Suk & Phuk

Last week when that plane crashed in Thailand, I couldn't stop giggling over the province's name - Phuket. How did someone with my sense of humor and penchant for giggling miss that one? I don't even care how you are supposed to pronounce it, I went to YouTube to watch people mangle it - and mangle it they did. I could just imagine them saying "Earlier today a plane crashed in Thailand near Foookay...I mean Foka...I mean Faaa...Oh F*ck it!". Yes, exactly! And the other day at work as I'm planning my week I see that one of the days is (I guess) a Jewish Holiday called "Sukkot". Again, I do my best Butthead impersonation "huh-huh...huh......huh-huh......Suck It". A quick trip to Wikipedia tells me that Sukkot is:

"Also transliterated as Succoth or Sukkos) and also known as the Feast of Booths, the Feast of Tabernacles, Tabernacles, the Season of Our Happiness, the Feast of Ingathering, or simply The Feast"

The Feast Of Booths? What the hell does that mean? I feasted in a booth last night at Texas Roadhouse. Does that count? Succoth? That's just as funny as Sukkot! You sir, Sucketh. Feast Of Ingathering? I thought they only do that in West Virginia? These Jewish Holidays are tough, man. Lots of rules. Lots of derivations. I'm almost afraid to turn my calendar at work next week for fear of what I'm going to find.

Jesus Christ, No Really.....

Maybe you remember my Christmas rant last year against Hallmark? I got a lot of good reviews on it. It was about how terrible their marketing department must be. Well, now I've seen it all. We had to stop at the local mall yesterday to pick up a few things. My daughter likes to go into the card stores to see the Webkinz. So, as we're coming out of one.....I stopped dead in my tracks. I thought I saw baby Jesus made out of marshmallows! I closed my eyes and squeezed them shut real hard, hoping that when I opened them the sweet, puffy Christ would be gone. No such luck. Not only that, the Lord Our Savior and King of the Joo Joo Bees was flanked by Mary and Joseph - both made out of the sugary substance. So, here we go again..... they have mailmen, police officers, firemen, soccer players, baseball players..... And? And then some guy in a suit said "Wait...I Have It!!!....Let's make a baby Jesus out of a mini mallow!!!" Genius. Pure Genius. Did he ever wonder how those in the manger were keeping themselves warm? A small fire maybe? Has he ever gone camping? Does he want Baby Jesus to turn crispy brown after only a few moments in front of the fire? And what's keeping him warm? Is that a blanket or a wad of chewed gum? You know what, people? I like Christmas. No, I LOVE Christmas. Ask anyone who knows me. I love getting into the spirit of the Holidays and I love listening to Christmas music and going out looking at the decorated neighborhoods. We decorate the house with tasteful ornaments. Now I'm sorry if you already bought one of these, but I do not think we need little baby Jesus made out of mini-mallows laying on chocolate and a graham cracker! Am I wrong? If I'm wrong, I don't want to be right. It did however, strike me as a good time to compose a new Christmas Song....

"Away in a manger, chok-lit for a bed,
The little lord mallow lay down his sweet head,
The hay for his pillow went right through his eye,
It looked like a stir stick so Swiss Miss I tried"

I could go on and on.... Jesus made out of marshmallows? Who in the Mother Hubbard signed off on that idea? Well, at least it's a "tasteful" tasteless ornament.

First Good Joke In A Long Time

I get a lot of jokes passed my way online. Most of them are either old or not funny. This one from Still A. Dad made me laugh out loud when I read both punchlines.

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own f*@%ing blanket!" After a moment of silence ... he farted.

.....Can You Do Math Now?

Let me start off by saying this clip is long. It's 22 minutes in length, but you can work while listening as it's an audio clip, not a visual clip. The clip itself is funny, if you understand the math involved, but what's even funnier is that a different guy then posts a 3 minute response saying that it's "not a scam but a computer glitch" and that "Verizon is making mad money because of their software glitch if you multiply this out". So, this idiot doesn't even understand the real problem, yet he's blogging about all the extra money Verizon has collected because of their software. It's not a software problem and Verizon doesn't have a scam running! What Verizon has is people answering the phones who don't know how to correctly read the number in English when asked what it represents! As a math major AND SQA guy - this entire thread is hilarious. All the poor SOB wants is for somebody to understand what he's saying and he can't find one warm body to do it. Count me in - I understand. The call gets really funny at the 12 minute mark when the girl gets on the line. "There is no point zero zero two dollars!". Hilarious!

Foul Air Rules

Hmmmm, that title can definitely be read two ways.

Somewhere my old roommate would be rolling if he read this as he is a connoisseur of dick and fart jokes. He would giggle about this story for weeks.

Laugh Out Loud Funny

A link forwarded to me by Still A. Rockin. My favorite part is when he disappears back up into the ceiling and then falls on top of the merchandise. I have a really good friend who works for a company that sells security cameras that respond like this one does. It continues to zoom and focus on faces, making it easier for police to identify criminals in security camera footage. The ladder hits home to me because like an idiot I've fallen off of one twice since living in our new house. The first time I was looking for the sewage pipe running between the cement wall and the finished wall of our basement which are separated by about 6-8 inches. I was weirdly propelled as the ladder fell and my knee went through the drywall. Nice. The second time was on Christmas day. I was standing on top of a 4' step ladder (yes, there is a warning right there that says not to do it) reaching into some rafters built into my garage looking for the "fit kit" to put a Thule storage box on top of my car for a trip back to western PA. Once the box was located, I needed an extra inch or two to grab it. As I recoiled and unleashed to give myself the extra distance - the ladder went down and I fell into an area 2 feet wide between 2 cars on a cement floor. Again, I was propelled and backed into my wife's car slightly denting the area right in front of the driver's door. It made a horrible sound when you opened the door for a few days and then it finally bent in such a way that it stopped screeching. It took this dummy 2 times to respect the power of the ladder!

Back With Little Or No Demand

I haven't done a celebrity "cock replace" in a while. Madonna is all over the news these days, so let's pick on her and husband Guy Ritchie. I could easily do all of Madonna's movies since there aren't that many, but there aren't even that many notable ones in the short list.

Cock Quest
Desperately Seeking Cock - My Favorite
Who's That Cock?
A Cock Of Their Own
Cock Of Evidence
Dick Cock

And I had to throw in this Guy Ritchie gem:

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Cocks - HA!