FAN: Hunger in America

I know I don't talk about American Idol at all anymore (mainly because it sucks this year) but I did watch Idol Gives Back last week. Besides giving money to Africa which Dog pointed out a few years ago is almost worthless as the local strongmen take everything for themselves anyway......they started giving some money to an organization which feeds hungry Americans.

Do I doubt there are hungry Americans? God, no. I know there are and I feel very badly for them. What I take offense at are over-inflated statistics and people who take advantage of the charity of others.

There was a produced piece with a food bank that featured David Cox. The piece stated that one in eight Americans go to bed hungry every night due to monetary issues. Bull Freaking Shit. I don't believe that for a second. I scoff at your silly numbers. One in eight? Come on. Just for giggles I Googled a few items to see what I could find. I found a site which had similar statistics which didn't call you "hungry" it called you "food inadequate"....lol. I submit that this isn't funny at all and I totally get that it's a real problem, but "food inadequate"? Anyway, to classify as food inadequate, you have to go to bed hungry ONE TIME DUE TO MONEY ISSUES in the last calendar year. I had trouble nailing down how many people are in a constant fear every day of not having enough to eat. One site can be drastically different from another. I understand why they do it. Who is going to donate money to a charity who represents 1 out of every 98 Americans when 1 in 8 sounds so much more drastic. I hope the CEO's of these places aren't drawing huge paychecks.

As far as taking advantage of the charity of others is concerned.....a Math teacher was on with his family of 4. They go to the food bank. There they are given 90 pounds of food for $10. Don't get me wrong - this is super for people who need it. But I'm like, WTF, the guy is a teacher, they interviewed him in his house and the inside did not look modest at all and all 4 were dressed in a manner which suggested to me they weren't buying their clothes at Wal-Mart. I apologize if you buy your clothes at Wal-Mart. I don't mean anything by it other than to suggest that Wal-Mart probably has the lowest prices you can find on new clothing. I understand they are way better now than 20 years ago and even have big name celebrities working with them on some lines. I went for the name grabbing effect since it sounded funnier than "Bobs House Of Clothing".

Anyway, what I REALLY wanted to see was their family car, or cars. Do they have cell phones? How many cellphones? How many televisions? I'm tired of going over this as I sound like a broken record every year or so when I see something like this. What cable package do they have? It puts a bee in my bonnet that this family is using a foodbank when there are people out there who are literally starving! Heck, what do you have to do to qualify for the food bank? Maybe I'll roll up and drop a ten spot and take 90 pounds of groceries home. If that guy or his wife smokes, I'd be on the phone with that company tomorrow asking for my money back (if I gave them any). Now I want to see what I need to do to qualify.

I don't want this place to not exist and I don't want people to not give, I just want the money spent on those who truly need it. Not those that have their priorities all effed up.

FAN: The Hottest Band In The World, KISS

So, while Still A Dog was enjoying the Blues Fest - the Fan family caught the ending to American Idol's recent season. Haven't talked much about it as I haven't had a lot of time to post. Much like I singled out David Cook to win last year after hearing his audition, I thought the same this year for Danny Gokey. I told Still A Dad to write it down before all the gold tickets were even given away. Compared to who ended up winning, he should have. Kris Allen sucks. He sucks bad. It took a pretty big man to admit on stage after 100,000,000 votes came in that Adam Lambert deserved to win. Jesus, he blew him away singing with Brian May screaming on guitar in the background. Kris Allen shouldn't be allowed to plug in Adam Lambert's microphone. I've had a nickname for him for months....Cheeky Monkey. He looks like a baby chimp. I want to find the 5 people who would pay hard earned money to go see this clown in concert. 5. Find me 5. Adam, glam as he is, came out and rocked Beth...then joined Kiss for two half versions of Detroit Rock City and Rock and Roll all Nite. Funny, Paul Stanley was just in my building last Friday doing a radio interview for his art work. I took in his solo LP and a sharpie and went out in the lobby every 3 minutes for 30 minutes straight, but didn't catch him. So far since I've been there Bobby Flay, Little Steven and a host of other "celebrities" have been in. I've met one half of the DJ team that is easily Philly's finest and if I got to see Paul Stanley last week it would have been cool, but alas, security snuck him in a side door because of all the creepy 40 year old guys with shit to sign standing around. Actually, maybe 12 people were actually waiting for him. Anyway, back to Idol......some thoughts for the entire thing:

Bikini Girl getting Punk'd was awesome. No way she knew that was coming. You can't act that mad. Kara tore her up.

Blind dude should NOT dance. You copy? Blind guy....no dancing!

I am so tired of Megan's little shoulder shimmy. But she's still got something like a young Jenny McCarthy thing going on.

Bikini Girl will be in Playboy....or porn....write it down. This I know.

It was cool to explain to Still A Stroke that Queen's singer died and they couldn't "carry on, carry on" because nobody could sing his songs. I saw George Michael do a pretty good job at the Wembley concert for AIDS and they gave him the hard ones....but Freddy could blow. Adam Lambert is the next closest thing to Freddy Mercury. If it was 1985 he'd be all spandexed up singing with Crue or something. Did I just say Freddy could blow?

I don't like Lil Rounds. She stupid. She look like TO when she talk.

Who the fuck is dressing Queen Latifah? Really? Sorry for the rude language people but Jesus....she was a mess. She's a couple Super Sized #3's away from Aretha Franklin.

I really thought Whitney Coke Whouston was going to come out while Tatiana was doing her lame acting. It didn't even fool my 9 year old. Lame. Booooooo.

Randy should bring out Journey with Steve Perry, not freaky looking Steve Perry clone, and do Don't Stop Believin' smoe year for the final.

Rod Stewart is the farthest thing from sexy I can imagine. Please stop thinking you're sexy.

Oh well......that's what I listened to tonight. Every group song sucked. The duets with stars were OK. What the hell song did Lionel Ritchie sing first? The Black Eyed Peas were OK I guess...if you're in a club...which I'm never going to be again...so I have no reason to listen to them.

I give the entire show tonight an 8 because I got to see KISS and Queen.....and Steve Martin playing banjo....and Cyndi Lauper playing and singing....always liked her.

Peace. Gotta get a goodnight's sleep for the drive. Kris freaking Allen....are you kidding me????

FAN: Hilary Swank on American Idol?

I think it's cool that Hilary Swank guested on AI this week. I never knew she sang country. Apparently she's a big deal at the Grand 'Ole Orthodontist. She looks much older than when she first appeared on the scene in Boys Don't Cry. I told my daughter she looked like a skeleton with hair. Scary. Some of the faces she made while singing the duet with Carrie Givesmewood were priceless. She almost looks worse than that other country singer, Lyle Lovett. (Shudders) I love it when celebrities age poorly. Hard livin', man. Happens all the time.

FAN: Blind Idol

Yes, American Idol has a blind finalist. I don't know about you, but I just can't see him winning.

RIM SHOT.

I am so ashamed of myself.

The Idol Bounce

Have we ever debated the value of American Idol here? Ok, Ok, I'm joking. God knows Still A Dog hates it and everything it stands for....and I respect his opinion as one of the most if not the most intense and knowledgeable music fans I know. Some other whack packers always watch (Still A's While, Jet, Sis). Still A Cowbell - not sure where he stands but he's a musician at heart and our two circles in the music Venn Diagram overlap a lot. While respecting everyone's opinion, I thought I'd take a second to address a point that none of us has ever made here. Like I've said before, American Idol is a superb chance for me to bond with my daughter as she simply adores the show. We talk about music while watching it and why we like or dislike a performance. She can definitely tell you like Randy when somebody goes off key and gets "pitchy". She's also pretty damn good at determining the genre of a song for an almost nine year old. To get back to the point I wanted to make - if you are a fan of music in general - there's almost no denying that the show opens up volumes of music to those who have never heard it before. As ZZ Top finished up playing with David Cook last night, I looked at my wife and said "Sharp Dressed Man" will be on iTunes Top 100 downloads tomorrow. My daughter was asking questions about their beards and thought they were funny and cool. I told her we'd listen to some more ZZ Top this weekend as thanks to the Dog, I have about 80 ZZ Top tracks on my iPod. Everyone my age has Eliminator somewhere. If you don't, what cave did you live in? Well, I just checked iTunes and just as predicted "Sharp Dressed Man" is number 62. That's really incredible when you think about it. ZZ Top's main demographic (shit, their top 3 or 4 demographics) probably were not tuned into the show last night - that's a safe bet. Also, their main demographic already owns the song. So, last night's performance, where they didn't even sing (Cook did the singing) sparked enough buzz for people to go pay for their song. I browsed the Top 100 quickly and I saw that Bryan Adams got a bounce for "Summer of '69" as it was #77. Think of all the young kids who never heard "Imagine" before and bought it (albeit the Archie version) at #17. That might be the first taste of The Beatles for an entire generation. Same thing for "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me" at #9. While a newer song (not really, I'm just getting old) "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" done by Cook is #3. As little kids are weened off of The Wiggles and graduate to Hannah Montana and The Jonas Brothers, this is really the next logical step (in my opinion) to introduce them to "big people" music. I remember playing The Police's original version of "Every Step You Take" for my Daughter after she liked the rendition by Brook White. She also downloaded White's version of "Here Comes The Sun" and loves it. Are these versions better than the originals? Not usually, however I like some of the covers very much. David Cook's version of "Hello" rocks. There are undeniable problems with the show. Too often it runs too long. You are supposed to be left wanting more. I don't need any one show more than 60 minutes and the kickoff shows could be reduced to 30. They should learn something from ABC cramming Who Wants To Be A Millionaire down everyone's throat four nights a week. I can't make up my mind about Paula. She is so annoying when she speaks, yet it's also very entertaining. She can't sit down anymore. Sit down, Paula, you're driving me nuts! I will keep watching as long as my daughter is interested and it continues to be one of the few shows my entire family watches together. Last word.....please, please if there is a God in Heaven, please stop the group numbers. I don't care if you replace them with a blank screen, just stop it.

ZZ Top

Wow. It was good to see ZZ Top live. I haven't seen any of them since I saw Billy join Kid Rock on another special several years ago. They were tight....and looking a little old. Cook's voice fit that song to perfection and I'm glad the boys let him sing it, although I think they should have traded verses. My thoughts on tonight's show - the Jimmy Kimmel thing was as unfunny tonight as it was funny for Idol Gives Back. He bombed. What's with Amanda? Look happy much? Crazy bitch. I didn't miss her not one little bit. Not even a little. Didn't miss Hernandez either. I've known scores of dudes like him...and didn't like any of them either. What a freakin' poser he is. Brook White is cool.....singing folk acoustic with Mr. Nash. Well played. I'm glad Archuleta Sr. is going home with a loss. Ass Hat. How do you get thrown out of an American Idol broadcast and a Star Search Episode? Stage Dad Much? George Michaels is starting to look a little bit creepy. I remember when his voice was a powerhouse and he was tagged as the only star who could sing several of the Queen songs for the concert at Wembley. These huge sunglasses just make everyone look like hornets. Mad hornets. Mad creepy hornets that pay for gay sex in bathroom stalls. Still, the worst part of any show continues to be the lame group numbers. They really need to stop doing that. Anyway, I hope DC decides to put Hello on his first CD. Carrie Underwood...wow....just ....wow. I might have to take my princess to one of her concerts. The Jack Black, Ben Stiller piece was good. True comedians making people laugh without even talking. I had no idea that was Robert Downey Jr until Ryan said it was. I guess I didn't recognize him without the crack pipe hanging from his lips.

Slanted Simon Says For The Last Time

Cook. Cook. Cook. I have no idea what the judges were seeing tonight. I guess it's just my taste in music and I can understand that the little guy is a decent enough singer - but I'd never pay a nickel to hear him sing. Never. At this point I think they are going for diversity. They've never had a squeaky clean young male winner. Clay Aiken was not squeaky clean.....but he was made to squeak on occassion. Anyhooooo, in totality for the competition, I pick David Cook. Like I've been saying since I started talking about it many moons ago - he was my early favorite just from hearing his original audition doing the Bon Jovi song. I just dig his voice, plain and simple....and I'd take his version of that song over the original any day of the week.

Slanted SImon Says: Teenage Wasteland

I didn't really enjoy this week. I think in my mind, I know how everything is going to turn out so I don't care as much anymore. It's almost like it's been decided already. Howard Stern had the odds on today and Archuleta is a 6-5 favorite with Cook being a close 3-2. Syesha was 15-1 and you can't count high enough to see what Jason's odds are. Is he retarded? I hate to use the word "retarded", but really, is he retarded? He's in his early 20's and he's already smoked a lot of brain cells away. I think you could say "Jason, I have to tell you something.....your grandmother died in a house fire today" and he'd cough up some smoke and say "Really?........dude I'm going to miss her" and then smile and laugh some more. Tonight everyone seemed to prefer little David to big David but I didn't. I'm not saying his voice wasn't better, but I would never entertain buying a CD of little David's. Not for a second. He's never done a song on the shoe I even own. He is so freaking squeaky clean though that my daughter loves him and I'm glad for that. If only he wasn't probably one out of 1,000,000 in the nice department for young men. I like how DC takes songs like Hungry Like The Wolf and adds his gritty voice to it. He's still my choice but I doubt he can overcome the teeny boppers and moms who will vote for DA. Also, if you want a better version of Cook's Who rendition, go to YouTube and check out Blue Man Group's version with Tracy Bonham doing vocals. Heck, I was being lazy - I linked you. Very cool.

Andrew Lloyd Weber

Dig this, as we're watching Idol the other night, my wife says "so is he gay?". Not that there's anything wrong with that. Neither of us are homophobic. Heck, in her profession - we've had many friends over the years who have played for the home team. No big deal. Anyway - to answer her question, I'm like "What? Hell yes, can't you tell!". My gadar was whoooping loud enough for the neighbors to hear and the blinking lights sent my cats into epileptic seizures. So, I wanted to post a picture to see if anyone would allow him to babysit for them cause he's a bit creepy in an old horror movie kind of way - and one of the first pictures on Google images is of him and his.......wife. Not his "friend". Not his "life partner". Not his "hetero life mate"......his w-i-f-e. Interesting. I wonder how long it's been since his Phantom saw a Cat? Sorry, I couldn't help it. Damn, Wikipedia credits him with three wives. He has a strong pimp hand and $750 million dollars. Shit, I'd be his towel boy for that kind of change. And I wouldn't tell his "wife".

Star Child On Idol?

I swear, near the end of the show, as they were panning the crowd going to commercial, I saw a very familiar....well, kind of.....face. It sure looked like Paul Stanley to me. It looks like his eyebrows have been stapled about 2 inches higher than they should be, but I'm 99% sure it was him. Can Still A Jet or Still Moor confirm?

Slanted Simon Says: Zzzzzzzzzzz

Why the Zzzzzzzz's? Not because I found the show boring, but because I slept through it. I woke up at 8:50 and caught it on DVR. I got home from work and promptly threw up within 10 minutes of walking in the door. Shaky legs, hot sweats.....out of nowhere. Went to bed for a few hours, felt good as new. Weird. Maybe I'm pregnant? Or maybe I had bad tuna for lunch? Wow - can't wait to see Still A Dog's comment about how there is no such thing as bad tuna. On to the show...which you really don't miss much by watching it in 25 minutes as opposed to 60:

1. David Cook Can't Lose
2. Syesha - Wow. Don't call it a comeback...
3. David Archuleta - more of the same
4. Carly Smithson - the new Pat Benatar
5. Brook White - Worst performance that I can remember for her
6. Jason Dreads - Boo. Just.......boo.

Slanted Simon Says: "Ew"

Wow. When I was younger, I remember Mariah Carey being such a hottie. Not anymore. The years haven't been too kind to her and she's still young. Ish. Can you imagine what an intolerable person she must be in private? She seems like such a diva. More #1's than Elvis as a solo artist? Quick..name five of them! See, can't do it can you? However, you can roll out Elvis songs all day long. 19 #1's and if pressed, maybe I could name 1 or 2 by their correct titles. Anyway - here is this week's list, just based on this week:

1. David Cook. Lock. Stock. Barrel.
2. Brook White. Dug. It's the voice and the character in the voice.
3. David Archuleta. Not sure he can win against Cook, but may have more teeny boppers vote for him.
4. Kristi Lee Cook. Rarely hits a bad note. Lacks stage presence and star power.
5. Carly Smithson. Once a force now running on empty.
6. Jason Dreads. Just don't get it. Not at all. I think the only reason the judges say they like him is because we haven't seen a winner in his genre yet. I'm telling you....it's the ONLY reason.
7. Syesha. I once thought she could maybe win......no way, not now, not ever.

Slanted Simon Says - Give Back

Geez, I didn't post anything last night on the show because I fell asleep on the floor. Nothing like waking up with carpet burn on your face....but I did see the show before zonking out. Based only on last night:

1. Brooke White - Not that she was superb, but everyone else was a shade off.
2. David Cook - Weird song. Who?
3. Kristi Lee Cook - Nice job!
4. David Archuleta - Meh.
5. Carly Smithson - Good, not great.
6. Micahel Johns - Not consistent at all.
7. Jason Dreads - Why do they like him so much? Stinkin' weirdo sissy pants.
8. Syesha Mercado - Liked her in the beginning and thought she was a threat. No more.

Did anyone notice when they pointed out that William Ford dude in the crowd? Have you ever seen anyone so uncomfortable in their own skin? Ick. He reminded me of Al Gore when his advisers told him to loosen up so he took off his jacket and rolled up his sleeves. Al cannot be casual with that giant stick up his ass. Ford looked like he had a meeting with 4 advisors who told him what to wear and he changed clothes 3 times before coming out. What an idiot. Be yourself, you jackass. Kids of today see right through fake.....and dude, you looked like a $3 bill.

Ramiele Noodled Out

My thoughts for a picture tonight were for either a package of Ramen Noodles or the crazy old lady puppet "Madame". Why Madame? Are you serious? It's like Dolly Parton whistled "9 to 5" while cutting Madame's picture out of Puppet's Illustrated magazine to take to her plastic surgeon...."Here...I want to look like this". It worked you scary-ass, big titty, skeleton lookin' thing. I hate making fun of her because my grandfather liked her, but then I think, well, my grandfather and I shared some genes....so he probably just liked her big 'ole hooters (when they were young and taut). You go Grandpap. Glad Ramiele is gone. Jason Dreads has been locked on target for next week, unless of course it's Reggae week and he's allowed to bring a big mad bag of weed on stage with him while he's jammon'.

Slanted Simon Says Sleep

Wow. This was the most boring week I can remember for American Idol season seven. A real snoozer. I watched my laptop more than the show. I'm not even sure it's worth listing the singers out, but here goes.....with few comments.
1. Carly, I dug it
2. Michael Johns, dug
3. Brook White, I honestly like her voice, very much!
4. David Cook, my least favorite DC performance ever
5. David Archuleta, meh
6. Kristi Lee Cook, yawn
7. Jason Dreads, eh
8. Syesha Marcado, wow. pitchy. really pitchy.
9. Ramiele, really ready for her to go

Gone and Forgotten

Well, he had two good performances and a lot of mediocre onces - and now he's history. I had two of the bottom three and had the third one 6th. I just had a thought - maybe our Stillers should give Chikezie a call to see if he can play offensive line?

Slanted Simon Says - The Full Nine

There were some really good performances tonight. This is when the show starts to get really good in my opinion as the people left can almost smell victory and they start to go for it a little more. These rankings are based solely on tonight's show:

1. David Cook - Continues to tear it up. He truly has a good rock voice and the necessary scream to go with it.
2. Michael Johns - I liked him early on and this is the first time he's shown promise since doing Bohemian Rhapsody and The Doors back in the earlier shows. Queen suits him.
3. Brook - I don't care that she started over, her voice is very distinct and I like it. She feels what she is singing.
4. Syesha - Didn't like the song and I want to like Carly so much more than her but she nailed that song tonight.
5. Carly Smithson - I did hear a few clunker notes mixed in tonight. Still should be in the final mix, maybe winning it all.
6. Kristi Lee Cook - No matter what she does, short of stripping on stage, she can't win - so I'm not sure it even matters what she does week to week. She is likable though.
7. David Archuleta - Wow. He may have peaked too early. That SUCKED. It really goes to show you how much things can change week to week.
8. Parchisi - Like Kristi, his days are numbered.
9. Jason Dreads - Dude, don't bogart that joint.

And that leaves cute little Ramiele on the outside looking in this week. She smacks of one of those marketing girls that a gum company hires to give away their product in a busy urban setting during lunch hours.

Pickled Tink

Nice to see Kellie Pickler again. There is something very likable about her. I think she reminds me of where I grew up. Do you think she even got Ryan's joke about "growing in so many ways"? Damn, I'm glad we're done listening to The Beatles and Amanda Le Pew. I've had it with her. For guys that want their women to be able to outdrink them and then kick their ass, she was for them. What was Carly doing in the bottom three? The only thing I can think of is that people assumed she was safe so they voted for other people last night. I have a sneaking suspicion that she won't be in the bottom three next week based on this theory.

Can We Be Done With The Beatles?

I was never really a huge fan anyway. Sure, I appreciate what they did, but I don't own one LP, cassette, cd or mp3 unless you count the Peter Frampton & Bee Gee's ripoff of Sgt. Pepper LP which hasn't been spun since 1985. Two weeks of nothing but their songs is enough for me.....actually, one was. On to the list which is only for last night's performances:

01. David Cook - I guess I'm not the only one who thinks he can be smug at times. I still like his voice though.
02. Carly Smithson - I dug it
03. David Archuleta - A little boring, but good.
04. Syesha - Needs to pick better songs.
05. Brooke - Wouldn't you like to hear her curse?
06. Kristi Lee Cook - Please stop dancing. She looks so uncomfortable when she moves away from the mic.
07. Jason Castro - Meh.
08. Chikezie - The most inconsistent performer. Great one week and "WHAT?" the next.
09. Michael Johns - One of my early favorites. That was bad, dude.
10. Ramiele - I was half sleeping through this....literally.
11. Amanda - who will remain at the bottom of my list until she's voted off.

Slanted Simon Says - Good Choice!

After personally ranking him 3rd and 2nd the last two weeks competing against men only, I dropped this pretty boy poser to 9th this week but easily could have had him as 11th as well. The three in the bottom up for elimination I had at 6, 9 and 11. I thought it was weird that all three judges said it was the right group. I thought Syesha was a glaring exception. Oh well. Now that votefortheworst.com is backing Amanda, she may be around for a while. I also read a news link that said someone in her home state is shopping nude photos of her to the National Inquirer. Is there anyone out there under 25 who isn't naked on the internet? I don't remember kids under 25 getting naked and taking photos of themselves before the proliferation of the internet. Why people do it now is beyond me. I'm not complaining, cause I'll google that shit all night out of curiosity, but I don't understand their choices.