FAN: Corngasm

So, you read the comments from the previous post and you said "WTF is a corngasm?" That, my friends, is what happens when you slightly wet a paper towel, wrap it around a freshly shucked and picked ear of corn, then wrap that in aluminum foil (shiny side in) and place it on the upper deck of the grill for about 10-12 minutes. It's good enough just like that, but I really like a hint of butter, a hint of salt, and enough pepper to burn your lips. Good Lord. I can't wait for July. I added "corngasm" to the lexicon the last time Stilladog was at my house and grilled. To tell you the truth - I don't think we've boiled corn on the cob since you were at my old house when Still A Stroke was about 3 or 4.

FAN: Slanted Lexicon: "ICFT" is NSFW

The last two companies I've been at use IM. It cuts down on email but probably productivity as well. I know my boss sits right behind me and we keep an IM window up the entire day. That way when annoying Sally comes anywhere near us and starts asking stupid questions, we can say neat things like "Can you believe how f*ucking stupid she is?" without anyone overhearing us....except the Chief Security Officer. Today I banged out a couple really bad sentences in a row to different people and followed them up with "icft". Every time I did it I got the obligatory "lol" back meaning they figured out what I meant. Who couldn't. Anyone who uses IM or texting knows a lot of the acceptable slang "idk, omg, stfu, nsfw" - and they also catch on quick when you make one up on the fly "icft". It actually made me curious so I headed out to Google to see if "icft" is widely used. I can't find a single instance of it. In fact, if you search Google for "I can't f*cking type" you will only find 242 hits which is crazy! I guess most people put that in email or texting or Im.....not in anything that Google can crawl. If you add +icft to the query, you get zero.....0. So, there it is, I'm claiming it for my lexicon. "ICFT" is mine. Whenever you type "frined" instead of "friend", "perfrom" instead of "perform" or "ecsort" instead of......well, forget that one.....follow it up with a quick "icft", think of me, smile and move on. Maybe the next time I'm typing at work and pump out "qulaity" instead of "quality" I'll just scream "ick fit!" which is the spoken variation of "icft". While we're on the subject of IM'ing, I also want to name this practice - quickly correcting a typo to prove you aren't a moron when clearly the other person doesn't think you're that stupid. Case in point: you're in an IM exchange and you're blistering the keyboard and type "he just once to act like it was his idea". You know you meant "wants" not "once" and your fingers were going faster than your brain...but you still hit enter and then as fast as humanly possible you type "wants" by itself on a single row. Good for you. Because the guy you're IM'ing who went to St. Joe's really thought you didn't know the difference. Thank God you cleared that up for him. The thing is, isn't it funny what we choose to correct in the single word line and what we donut. That's a joke. Sea? Do not.....Donut? Whatever. You know I'm write. If you mistakenly type "I'll be working this wkeend" you say "f*ck it, he knows what I meant". You don't go back to correct that. But if you say "their supposed to call me as soon as they get it" well heck....you attach Olympic importance to typing out "they're" and hitting enter before they get a chance to respond lest they think you have the IQ of a chimp. After 3 minutes of consideration, I've decided to call this an "imrection". For starters, it sounds like "erection" which is cool. Plus, it's like a correction, but in an IM....imrection. Mine. I claim it. How about that? One day....two additions to my lexicon.

FAN: Black Noise, BlackBerry Overuse

So, feeling strong after the addition of Belimort to the football lexicon, I have another creation that I'd like to add to the business vernacular. Office buzzwords are so overplayed it's ridiculous. I go out of my way to avoid using them unless I'm an early adopter or I think they're really warranted. For instance, you'll never hear me say "my guy can't do that, he doesn't have enough bandwidth." How about Outside The Box? When people say that to me, I just roll my eyes, right in front of them. We have a guy in our office pretty far up the food chain who can't get through a meeting without saying the word germane. One day he wasn't in for our daily meeting and being the smart ass that I am, I actually said, "Hey, somebody else is going to have to say germane today." Half the attendees cracked up and half of them looked at me like they had no idea what I was talking about. I have a theory about those who had no idea what I was talking about. They have no idea that he says germane every day. You know why? Because they are too busy using their BlackBerry. This is not a rant about Research In Motion's BlackBerry. Heck, I own one. But you won't see me pull it out and check my email while I'm talking to somebody. You also won't see me on it in a meeting I'm in or staring at it blankly as I walk through the halls. You see, people today are too enamored of shiny objects. The people who are pecking away responses at meetings don't get it that only 5% of what they are sending needs to be answered at that very moment. This is my issue. Prioritization, my friends. The CEO is speaking at the daily meeting I'm in and I'm positive people are answering emails about lunch and what they watched on TV last night. A BlackBerry means you can get and answer your email on the go. It does not mean you have to answer Sheila when she asks you if you think Stacey is being a bitch lately. At least not right now. The instruction manual does not say "Stop whatever it is you're doing when an email comes in an answer it or you will be vaporized." So, what's my new buzzword? Have you heard of white noise? As in "Sort through all the white noise and pull out what's germane....er, I mean relevant." Well, I've noticed a trend since being at my first place of business where almost everybody has a CrackBerry......and I'm going to call it Black Noise.....and you are going to forward this article to everyone you know who may think this is funny.....or agree with me. Have you noticed after hours or on weekends when an important email comes out, everyone feels like they have to chime in? Look at me, boss, I'm checking my emails - on the weekend no less! Hmmmm, how can I make sure the boss knows I saw this? I know, I'll reply back to everyone - that way even Sally who never works on weekends will know I'm doing my fair share and she'll see my time/date stamp on Monday. So, on Sunday at 12:57 PM, 37 people get an email from this chronic purveyor of Black Noise that reads.........."I agree". Great! Thanks for that! Bob, who is currently in the local produce aisle looking for lemons feels the buzz in his pocket and starts to sweat. "Shit. Shannon got first. What should I do?" He looks around slowly contemplating his options. He doesn't want to do it, but feels like he must. You see, Bob is aware that he does this thing that hasn't yet been named, but he can't help himself. Slowly he begins to type. He hates himself. "Me too...talk more Monday." He clicks Send and grabs another lemon as he will now need more Vodka to hide his shame. Ladies and Gentlemen of the workforce, I give you.....

Black Noise: (noun) any communication stemming from a RIM BlackBerry (typically off core hours) that adds nothing of importance to a thread. In most cases sent so the sender can feel better about themselves for being involved in some process, even if they don't understand the process in which they are trying to seem a part of.

Now you, my loyal readers, can finally be an early adopter with "Black Noise". Start to use it at your office. Scoff at how much Black Noise Scott sends out on Saturdays. Use it in front of those you don't like without telling them what it means so you will seem more in the know. Go forth, and spread thy word.

FAN: Technically I Own Belimort

On 2/3/2008, I referred to Bill Belichick as Belimort. I recently looked at searches that landed at SCS and one of them was for Belimort. I did my own Google search and found that even though one other person used it, I used it first. When you think about it, if you were to merge Patriot's coach Bill Belichick with any other famous villain - who would it be? It flows so beautifully. Maybe Adolf Hitler, but how could you phrase it? Darth Vader? Same issue. I wish this would catch on and become part of the football lexicon. Just think of the marketing opportunities if Belichick embraced this idea. Even though Disney doesn't make the Potter movies, they do distribute them...don't they? Belimort T-Shirts would fly off the shelves. I can see Patriots authentic jerseys with number '666' on the back and "Belimort"stitched into history. I am hereby petitioning all NFL fans, heck, anybody that reads this, to copy as many football fans as you know with this link. I want to add Belimort to the NFL vernacular. Can't you just see this character stalking the sidelines, breathing heavily through his mouth, turning quickly in disgust after every bad play...... My dream would be for Belimort to be as big as Chucky during the week Mr. Gruden went to the Super Bowl. Voldemort, meet Bill Belichick.....brought to you by Steel City Slant.