FAN: Hunger in America

I know I don't talk about American Idol at all anymore (mainly because it sucks this year) but I did watch Idol Gives Back last week. Besides giving money to Africa which Dog pointed out a few years ago is almost worthless as the local strongmen take everything for themselves anyway......they started giving some money to an organization which feeds hungry Americans.

Do I doubt there are hungry Americans? God, no. I know there are and I feel very badly for them. What I take offense at are over-inflated statistics and people who take advantage of the charity of others.

There was a produced piece with a food bank that featured David Cox. The piece stated that one in eight Americans go to bed hungry every night due to monetary issues. Bull Freaking Shit. I don't believe that for a second. I scoff at your silly numbers. One in eight? Come on. Just for giggles I Googled a few items to see what I could find. I found a site which had similar statistics which didn't call you "hungry" it called you "food inadequate"....lol. I submit that this isn't funny at all and I totally get that it's a real problem, but "food inadequate"? Anyway, to classify as food inadequate, you have to go to bed hungry ONE TIME DUE TO MONEY ISSUES in the last calendar year. I had trouble nailing down how many people are in a constant fear every day of not having enough to eat. One site can be drastically different from another. I understand why they do it. Who is going to donate money to a charity who represents 1 out of every 98 Americans when 1 in 8 sounds so much more drastic. I hope the CEO's of these places aren't drawing huge paychecks.

As far as taking advantage of the charity of others is concerned.....a Math teacher was on with his family of 4. They go to the food bank. There they are given 90 pounds of food for $10. Don't get me wrong - this is super for people who need it. But I'm like, WTF, the guy is a teacher, they interviewed him in his house and the inside did not look modest at all and all 4 were dressed in a manner which suggested to me they weren't buying their clothes at Wal-Mart. I apologize if you buy your clothes at Wal-Mart. I don't mean anything by it other than to suggest that Wal-Mart probably has the lowest prices you can find on new clothing. I understand they are way better now than 20 years ago and even have big name celebrities working with them on some lines. I went for the name grabbing effect since it sounded funnier than "Bobs House Of Clothing".

Anyway, what I REALLY wanted to see was their family car, or cars. Do they have cell phones? How many cellphones? How many televisions? I'm tired of going over this as I sound like a broken record every year or so when I see something like this. What cable package do they have? It puts a bee in my bonnet that this family is using a foodbank when there are people out there who are literally starving! Heck, what do you have to do to qualify for the food bank? Maybe I'll roll up and drop a ten spot and take 90 pounds of groceries home. If that guy or his wife smokes, I'd be on the phone with that company tomorrow asking for my money back (if I gave them any). Now I want to see what I need to do to qualify.

I don't want this place to not exist and I don't want people to not give, I just want the money spent on those who truly need it. Not those that have their priorities all effed up.

FAN: Pat Robertson Responds To 6.1 Aftershock - Shakira's Fault

Pat Robertson continued his hate tirade this morning. After learning of Haiti's 6.1 Wednesday morning aftershock, Robertson was quick to study the latest media trends and came away from it with a new revelation. "Shakira Caused This!" Robertson has declared.

Robertson's sleuthing methods have been uncovered. He dove headfirst into the world of social media to see who has been helping the Satan saved Haitians. After absorbing the information Pat decided that Shakira appearing on Oprah and pleading for help was the swizzle stick that stirred this particular drink. Let me repeat, it had nothing to do with yours truly wanting the hottest picture to post here. This was the work of Pat Robertson.

Robertson equated Shakira's hips with Beezlebub and admitted that he himself has been in a Shakira induced "hip trance" which he saw "on the YouTube". The trick uncovered was that Shakira helped send aid to the area and then unleashed yet another earth quake while the aid workers were there. He likened the plot to 9/11 where the first plane striking the towers brought the crowds in to see the second one happen live.

"Shakira needs to be stopped. It's that simple" said Robertson. Asked what you can do to help, he continued "Bring her to me. I can help her. It would be good if you could restrain her first." Asked how he can help Pat explained how he could give her a religious experience that would change her ways and make her act and dress more like "a lady" instead of "the damned devil". He explained his methods further - "it's a three step process, first the prayers, then what they call chloroform and if she still resists, the Holy roofies will be administered." Roberts claims a night alone with him will make the devil hips jump right out of her.

We can only hope.

FAN: Checks And Balances

Seriously folks, I don't care if you're Republican or Democrat, left wing nut job or right wing religious zealot - Scott Brown winning that election was good for the country. 47 years is bout 37 too long for me personally to like anyone sitting in a Senate seat. I wish we could go back in time and have people from every profession filling these seats like a jury. Do your voting and lobbying in a 2 week period every 6 months and do the rest online from the comfort of your own house. Career politicians suck. If people were swapped in and out, there would be no time or use for political favors. Everyone would hopefully just do what makes sense for their city, state and country. It tells me people in that area were ready for change and most of them probably just never headed out to vote because they assumed Ted was going to win anyway. This is good, trust me.

FAN: From My Cold Dead Hands

I absolutely love reading stories like this.

The kid is badass. He's 11. He's like "Yeah I shot him, now get me a juicebox before you're next".

FAN: Universal Wealthcare

We sometimes dive into politics and I think I want to cannonball into this one. This one isn't about blowing shit up or torturing terrorists or pulling the fingernails off of child molesters before burning them at the stake. This one is about universal health care. Or is it? Maybe it's just about spending money wisely. Don't jump all over me for this if you're in the President's corner. If you read closely you'll see that I want those that really need it to be covered. Those that really need it. That's the problem. How do you define them?

This issue has been hot for a while and I'm just now writing about it. Why? Well, I finally have time and I saw something on TV this morning that disturbed me. I'm not even sure what city it was in, but people were in line waiting for a free health care clinic to open so they could get processed. It was still dark outside. The line was long.....think Wii lines 2 weeks before Christmas at Walmart long. Why did this particular clip annoy me? They spoke to some people in line and showed many more. The stories they told all sounded good on the surface, but I'd like a little harder edge to my interviewing of these people. I have some really hard questions I want to ask. Really hard. Ready?

Where do you work? If you are unemployed what system are you currently in to make a living? I want to know these things why? Well, I'm guessing that some of the folks in this line have an option to buy cafeteria insurance at their jobs and they don't. I'm guessing some think they can't pay all of their bills if they take out money for health care. Sure, call me an asshole for pointing this out and I'm also sure it's only a fraction of the people there, but how many of them in a family of four have four cellphones? How many of the family of fours have four televisions, all hooked up to premium cable? Roll with me people....I have to be right about some of them.

I have a job. I have a very good job. I have very good health coverage, but it's not cheap by a long shot. See, my company offers four different plans. Guess which one I have? The most expensive. Why? Because it's important to me. We're a relatively healthy family but I can't stand systems. I'm not going to a doctor when my shoulder hurts only to have him give me a form and tell me to so see a shoulder guy. I'm going to the shoulder guy on day one. I pay more just so I have that luxury. What do I pay? I don't know but it's between $3-$4k per year. I don't expect somebody who is making $30k per year with a family of 4 to pay $3k for health care, but I do want them to pay something. Again, I'm not trying to be a creep - I know there are millions of Americans who really truly need this and I'm not saying don't give it to them. What I'm saying is to be very, very..........very careful when handing out the golden tickets. Somebody who is historically poor - YES. Somebody who is historically stupid - NOT SO MUCH.

There was a lady in line who had a young lad with her. She was waiting in line to get him free glasses at the clinic. Ladies and gentlemen, this did not look like a woman distraught and down on her luck. Her coat would cover the cost of the glasses! I do not take the eye care option on my insurance. Why? Well, because I know what our eye care costs are for the year and since the eye insurance sucks and only pays for certain things, the entire nut paid out of pocket yearly is the same cost as paying the premiums all year and getting their measly deductions. We go to Walmart for our vision needs. The eye doctor is not a Walmart employee. He just has his office there and they get bulk prices for the wares which makes it very attractive to him. We talk about it. I've been going there to the same guy for over 10 years. I love him. My wife loves him. My daughter loves him. My exam costs like $40. I buy the most expensive breathable, disposal contacts that they offer. Total yearly cost? $160. Still A Stroke has purple Miley Cyrus frames that her friends rave over. She has the no scratch no glare lenses and I think the whole deal was $140. How much would it be without the name attached and without the space-age polymer applied? If that mom smokes or plays the lottery or goes to lunch everyday - she should be shot. She's taking the time and resources away from a kid who really does need the glasses because she is irresponsible and careless with her financial decisions.

One more rant and then I'm gone for the day. I've been paying $3-$4k per year for health insurance for my family since we became a family. I'm 40. My daughter is 9. I think Mrs. Fan is ....29....I think she says? Guess what? Yes if something bad happened we'd be screwed, but I would guess that since we were married, in any one year if we would pay for medical out of pocket we would not have incurred half that much in costs. You can go to the doctor without insurance. They have very lenient payment plans. I want to go through that line of people waiting for the free clinic to see what kind of cars they all drive. You know deep in your heart you want to know too. How many moderate family cars are there? How many leases are there? Those leases aren't for Saturns. Trust me. You weigh 350 pounds? You sure could afford the buffet and snack cakes, fatty. Back of the line. You have an 80 gb iPod? The cost of that alone would pay for 3 doctors visits easily. Priorities. Make sure your family is taken care of and then spend your money however you want to.

I am not against every American citizen who needs free health care to have it. I just want to sit on the board and help determine who needs it. Is that too much to ask? Let the left say what they can have. Let the right say who can have it. I grew up in the second poorest county in Pennsylvania. I had a paper route when I was about 12. I had people who couldn't pay me $1.10 on Thursday until their checks came in. I would also see those same people at Nick's Cut Rate buying smokes, lottery tickets, magazines and cheesie poofs. That's the economics lesson I had as a youngster. Still A Dad gave my sister and I the best lesson a parent can give. Is that a "want" or a "need"? You can't buy one of the two until you can afford it. You need to figure out which is which. When grown ass men can't make the right choices for their families, please don't take it out of my tax dollars. Pass it on.

FAN: Gore Morphs Into Griffith

Can someone tell me when Al Gore turned into Andy Griffith?

FAN: Obama Gets Retarded Karma

The liberal left would have crucified Bush if he said it.

FAN: Will Ferrell Broadway Bush

HBO ran Will Ferrell's Broadway show live last night and it was pretty good. While it wasn't a laugh a minute, some parts were hilarious. A Condi Rice look-alike pops out at one point and they do a 3 minute dance that looks like a 'Lil Wayne video. He's really good as George W. Better than he ever was on SNL. If you get a chance, check it out. Even if you swing to the right, it's hard not to appreciate this.

FAN: Mortgage Schmortgage Obama

This is awesome.

I think the stupid percentage that you used to be able to go up to on your mortgage was something like 30 or 33% of your monthly gross wages as a household. I think I have a pretty big house. It's not even 18 years old. I've lived in it for 4 years. When we bought the house, the mortgage payment was about 17% of our monthly gross wages. Now, four years later, it's 14.5%. Am I in any danger of losing my house? Not even close. What if one of us loses our job? Still not even close. Why? We bought comfortably within our means. We drop our daughter off to play at some houses that two of ours would fit into...and ours isn't small by any means. Had we stayed in the first house we bought, our mortgage right now would be 8% of our monthly gross. When we bought that first house in 1996, the mortgage was about 21% of our monthly gross. I refinanced the first house twice in 8 years bringing down the payment substantially. I bought less house so I could save for retirement and my daughter's college fund. If the government is spending money wisely I don't complain too much about taxes and I understand the logic that the economy could do even worse if these knuckleheads are forced out onto the streets.....but for fuck's sake.....if we are going to bail people out to the tune of what they are talking about concerning mortgages....then there should be rules attached. You smoke? Not any more, dickhead. We're not giving you a dime of government money if you continue to smoke two packs a day or $14 that could be going to your mortgage. Your car cost what? Yea, I'm sorry asshole, but you'll be trading in your Acura for a Ford Focus....tomorrow. We'll pay your mortgage, but the 52" Sony Bravia XBR4 is going right the fuck back to Best Buy where you can pick up your new 27" tube job. Eating out? Nope. Not, if we're paying your mortgage, dillweed. See, the government is going to make a new ID card you need if your rate got dropped due to your stupidity. You'll be leaving Legal Seafood and moving down to the Ground Round y'all. Ya Hear? Snowflake is in Private School? Not anymore she's not. Now she might end up behind the stairs making out with somebody of whom you don't approve. I am royally pissed off about this. I can't wait to hear the Dog's take on it. From my count, the Dog owns 5 houses...yes 5. Is he in any danger of losing any of them? Hell No, I wouldn't be surprised if 3 or 4 of them are paid off. Stupid people suck. There are people who bought under their limit and are doing all the right things and are having trouble keeping their heads above water and I respect the shit out of them. They are not the object of my scorn so don't think me heartless. My scorn is well placed and well deserved. I could rant on this all night and have before in the past. This is almost 3 years old.

FAN: Liberal Hollywood Hypocrites

Alone in the house last night for the first time in more than a week, instead of watching a movie we decided to watch the Inauguration Concert on HBO. It was mildly entertaining but full of hypocrites. I just couldn't stop laughing at all the mentions of bringing the country together. We don't have red states or blue states, we have United States. Puke. My question to these folks is easy: Would you have performed at this function had John McCain won and you were invited? Would these same performers say the same rhetoric if a liberal wasn't in office? Hilarious. Perform. Congratulate your candidate. Gloat a little. But please, don't insult everyone's intelligence by pretending that since Obama won, the red state's interests will be given the same preferences and we'll all hold hands and sing "Michael Rowed The Boat Ashore".

FAN: US Airways 1549 Was Brought Down

Seen swimming on the Hudson shortly before takeoff.

FAN: Torture

George W. Bush made his last speech tonight. I kind of feel bad for him. Why, you might ask? Why not keep the subject matter light and to football? Because I honestly believe some of the things he says. When he says he made unpopular decisions but kept terrorism out of the US for 7 years after 9-11, I applaud him. I don't care if you do or not. I do. I read another article on torture and it's effects coming from our side. It's interesting and hopefully fair. Consider if you will, if we didn't torture a few of those monsters and another attack happened on our soil. Can you imagine? IMAGINE? People blast the poor guy as it is - I can't imagine for a second what it would have been like if another commercial airliner went down in the middle of DisneyWorld at noon on a Saturday. Then the same people would have complained that he didn't do enough. Did the Iraq war create a front away from home? Yeah. Was it successful? Define successful. The article goes on to say that while no terrorist attacks happened here, they increased around the world. First of all, that number counts every roadside bomb used against our troops....so it's a bullshit number anyway. Second, maybe if those countries followed a more proactive plan and turned some screws, their numbers wouldn't have went up. Isn't that a fair question? Was Bush perfect? Hell no. Is Obama the second coming of Christ? Hell no. Change? Is that why the new cabinet is full of ex-lobbyists and Washington insiders? His main man was having hush-hush meetings with a Governor selling a Senate seat? C'mon. When you vote for a President, you're voting for the lessor of two evils most of the time. People say Obama inspires them. Why? I hope he inspires me. I'll give him a chance, but I don't inspire easy. I have a feeling his handlers are a lot more liberal than America knows.

FAN: Lame Duck My Ass

I don't know about you, but I'm sick of hearing about President Bush being a "lame duck" President. I watched that clip of him on YouTube about 20 times and he's a damn good ducker. At minimum he's better than Lincoln and Kennedy. If he could duck questions like he ducks shoes, maybe his legacy wouldn't be tarnished. If anyone should be criticized here it's the Secret Service. How on Earth did this dude get off the second shoe? I mean, I'm sure he took it off prior to the incident, but how did he have time to throw both of them? Trust me, his feet probably smelled of salami. The dudes sitting around him had to know something was up. I am sick and tired of these Arabs messing up American shoe etiquette. First Richard Reid tried to take down a commercial flight by lighting his shoes and now this assclown tries to take out the President with his. Yet, it's ME who has to take off his shoes just to board a plane. I don't light mine. I don't throw mine. Mine don't stink.....yes ladies, I have about 200 miles on my newest pair of Asics Nebulus....and the only thing they smell like is new shoes. It must be a gift passed on to me from Still A Dad. Now, I can't say the same thing about my breath in the morning or my armpits after a day or two of not showering, but the feet.....they don't stink. There will be those of you reading this who know who I mean when I say Still A Belly. Still A Belly could take his shoes off sitting a good 10 feet away from you and within a minute, a cloud of disgust would envelope you into gagging. Seriously. If he happens to read this, I guess I'm off the Christmas Card list but that seems to be the trend this year anyway. It's the economy stupid! Well, either that or I continue to piss people off at a colossal rate. Either way, let's get back to the shoes. Were they steel toed? Were they slip-ons? Were they leather? Can I buy them on Pakastani Ebay yet? Will they be featured at The Smithsonian, or will they be featured at the Nunn Bush museum. Nunn Bush. Nunn Bush? Get it? You people have no sole. Ok, I'm a heel.

Federal What? Teachers & Hospitals

If I just heard Barack Obama correctly in his infomercial, he said he was going to hire an army of teachers and raise current teacher's salaries. Hmmmm, I thought teachers were paid locally? I guess there are federal teachers. Then he talked about the money being spent in Iraq every month and asked a frenzied crowd if they knew how many schools and hospitals could be built here in the United States with that money. That is the most ludicrous thing I've ever heard. He's making it out like if the money wasn't being spent on the war, we'd be building hospitals with it. Excuse me? Again, does the federal government build hospitals in communities? If they do, I'm sorry I didn't know that. If they build schools, I'll say I'm sorry. If Obama saves the money in Iraq, he's going to spend it somewhere else, trust me. Maybe it will be spent on things you personally agree with and that's fine for you. I think it will be wasted, and that's my opinion, We'll see new social programs sprouting up like weeds in my garden. Say whatever you want to say, but please don't act like that money will be spent on things that it won't.

Wind, Solar and BioFuel

I am so sick of hearing this line. Obama is talking about it in his infomercial. McCain says it as well, as has every person that has run for the Presidency since I can remember. We need to get off foreign oil and get on wind, solar and bio. When is it going to happen? It's like Jerry Lewis curing Muscular Dystrophy. Talk about it for 40 years and accomplish nothing.

Career Politicians

Isn't it funny how people talk about career politicians. I hate them. I don't trust them. Even if most of their beliefs align with mine, I still think they're mostly skeevy. So, leading up to this presidential election, there has been a lot of talk at my office about politics. I hate talking about politics at work and only offer up points of view if directly asked and only if it's somebody I feel like sharing with. Before either candidate picked their running mate, I had tons of these people agreeing with me that career politicians suck and we need new blood in most offices and seats so that favors don't need to be paid back. "Hell yeah" is the rallying cry. So, the second Palin is announced.....she doesn't have enough experience. Well, she hasn't been in politics too long and look what she's accomplished. I wonder if she was a man if the subject would even be brought up? Joe Biden himself said when John Kerry ran for preident..."he should pick John McCain to run with him". Sounds like a good enough endorsement to me.

Obama, Smooth?

You know, I thought Barack Obama was supposed to be a smooth dynamic speaker. Well, he may be when delivering a speech that he has memorized and has delivered it 100 times before....but off the cuff at the first debate, I was shocked. He stammered and stuttered and sometimes sounded like a motorboat trying to start. I thought McCain was going to look old a feeble compared to the vibrant Obama but I couldn't have been more wrong. I saw McCain's speech at the convention and I cringed about what would happen come debate time. I cringe no more. I am voting for McCain as my political slider is more to the right than the left. The Bush administration got away from the core Republican beliefs that I tend to side with about taxes and spending. I triust McCain to bring that wagon back around, not Obama to add more spending to it. I always say to throw away the 20% fanatical ends of the political spectrum. That leaves 60% in the middle from 21 Left to 79 right with 50 in the middle. My gauge is pinned at about 67 these days. People like to talk about Palin's lack of experience because she's the governor of an "insignificant" state. Hmmmm, was Bill Clinton the governor of New York, Pennsylvania or California? I didn't think so....and he wasn't even the VP candidate.

Palin Protected By Fox

US Weekly might want to pick a different individual to go on news shows to defend their stories. This dude got hammered.

Is There A Stronger Term Than Tree Hugger?

For the love of God, this is funny. I'll be the first to admit that when I see a cool looking tree, I can really appreciate it and stare at it and find it amazing. In that same breath - if you cut it down and use it for firewood....fine by me!

Palin, Sign Me Up

So, where can I pick up a McCain/Palin sign to plant in my yard?