Dragging him to.....wait, what?

There is nothing better than clicking on an article, reading 90% of it and buying it....and then reading the 10% that makes you spit your ice cream out through your nose. I saw a link about Siegfried and Roy adopting 5 tiger cubs and I thought it was odd and wanted to read it. Do you find any humor in it? These dudes are approaching Michael Jackson type weirdness. Did you see the last line of the article?

"The pair have said they believed Montecore sensed Horn was having a mini-stroke and was dragging him to safety, rather than attacking him."

Ummm, when did this tiger go to medical school? What, did Montecore give him a cat scan? For the love of Christ, do they really believe that? Maybe Montecore woke up in a pissy mood that fateful day. Maybe Montecore had finally had enough and said "Fug it. I am not jumpin' through no mother fuggin' hoop tonight. Today, it ends." Maybe the shit was planned out. It could have been as planned out as D-Day in that tiger's mind. First, he was like "Monte what? Montecore? What the fug is Montecore? I am a regal beast. I am first cousin of the King of the Got-damn jungle. You stick that gay head of yours in my mouth tonight, Twinkles, and I'm bitin' it off". Mini Stroke. God, that's funny. Dragging you to safety? Did he drag you to an ambulance? He was just taking you behind the curtain to protect his fresh kill. All that poor tiger did was act on his genetic code. For that he probably got the white beat right off of him. "Oh look Seegy...isn't he cute...he is not unlike a little cotton poof". Yes, Roy, just like a little cotton poof. One that will act kindly towards you because you feed it. One that will someday grow into a full grown predator. One that will someday see you as a huge steak, just like in the cartoons. One that will someday try to rip your mousse encrusted head right the fug off. This is analogous to Hilary Clinton inviting the Swedish Bikini Team over for a sleepover. This is like asking Robert Downey Jr. to lay the chalk lines at the 'ole ballpark. It's like taking Woody Allen to one of those places where you eat sushi off of a young naked Japanese girl. "But the tiger....he's so preeeety". Celebrities make me sick.

The Ice Cream Man

Man, I remember it like it was yesterday, not at my house though - Still A Dad was too smart to pay fifty cents for something that was only worth ten.... What is this rant about? The Ice Cream Man, of course. The only place I remember getting to buy from the dude in the orange truck was at my grandmother's. Her sister lived right beside her and the second we heard the truck, the coins started to change hands. To tell you the truth, I don't remember a thing about the Ice Cream Man from 1975 in western PA. The fact that I don't have nightmares about him tells me that he was probably a stand up guy...clean cut, polite....well spoken. Welcome to 2008 in the big city burbs. Where in the flying fig newton do they truck these guys in from to drive this overpriced shit around? The immaculate white van with a sliding screen door for service plays music that is not unlike the sirens Jason and his posse probably heard. My daughter, knowing full well we have a freezer stocked with frozen goodness looks at me with those puppy dog eyes and screams "Ice Cream Man!" like so many generations have before her. I look at my wife, who looks at me and we roll our eyes at each other. Yes, princess is told she can get something....but not a freaking $3.00 frozen treat. How about a nice Italian ice? Fine....take Daddy's hard earned money and go enjoy yourself. We are air-conditioning whores so rare is the day we even hear the damn van. As I walk her outside to stand with the money I see the van and it stops. In a split second decision, I wanted to throw a blanket over my daughter and pick her up like a roll of carpet and run away with her. I had seen the devil and his name I can't pronounce. I sent buttercup back up the driveway with her order and told her I would bring it to her. I sucked in my gut, puffed out what little chest I have left and put a scowl on my face that would send...oh I don't know....librarians running. With my OG attitude I ordered the Italian Ice and shot this crazy bastard a look that hopefully told him to not go to his sicko little notebook where he makes lots of misspelled scribblings about cute little girls and the addresses they live at. I asked him if he was having a busy day to engage him in a battle of wits. When he replied yes I told him I was busy too. I was meeting my shooting buddies and we were going over to the target place to put some holes in some targets. Yeah, now who's creepy, buddy? Go sell your frozen pedophile pops to some other neighborhood kid. But really, what are these companies thinking when they hire these dudes? I mean, they're making, I don't know, 1700% profit on some of that stuff.....can't they hire a nice clean cut college guy who would wear a 1950's white ice cream parlor get-up? COME ON! Ice Cream van owners of the suburbs....are you listening? We (Overly Cautious Dad's or OCD) do not trust your drivers! They look like Charles Manson albeit from another country. Please send us a Goddamn Ice Cream Man that I can feel good about letting my daughter place her own order with. Cheese and crackers this gets under my collar. I have enough stuff to worry about. I would be afraid....AFRAID...to open up the storage freezer in this dude's van. I would be all "Oh, Mrs. Johnson....how did you get in there? Hey, your lips are blue, are you Ok?" and then when I turned around quickly to confront my "friendly" person-napper (I totally just made that up) I would be too late as the sharp end of a frozen sugar cone got jammed 4 inches deep into my orbital socket. They play their music loud to cover up the kids screaming.....that's all I'm saying. We now play a new game at my house. When I hear the van coming....I start singing Van Halen's Ice Cream Man at the top of my lungs. Princess hands me $1 and I truck on over to the freezer and grab her something.....and I'm still making a sweet profit.

Jesus Christ, No Really.....

Maybe you remember my Christmas rant last year against Hallmark? I got a lot of good reviews on it. It was about how terrible their marketing department must be. Well, now I've seen it all. We had to stop at the local mall yesterday to pick up a few things. My daughter likes to go into the card stores to see the Webkinz. So, as we're coming out of one.....I stopped dead in my tracks. I thought I saw baby Jesus made out of marshmallows! I closed my eyes and squeezed them shut real hard, hoping that when I opened them the sweet, puffy Christ would be gone. No such luck. Not only that, the Lord Our Savior and King of the Joo Joo Bees was flanked by Mary and Joseph - both made out of the sugary substance. So, here we go again..... they have mailmen, police officers, firemen, soccer players, baseball players..... And? And then some guy in a suit said "Wait...I Have It!!!....Let's make a baby Jesus out of a mini mallow!!!" Genius. Pure Genius. Did he ever wonder how those in the manger were keeping themselves warm? A small fire maybe? Has he ever gone camping? Does he want Baby Jesus to turn crispy brown after only a few moments in front of the fire? And what's keeping him warm? Is that a blanket or a wad of chewed gum? You know what, people? I like Christmas. No, I LOVE Christmas. Ask anyone who knows me. I love getting into the spirit of the Holidays and I love listening to Christmas music and going out looking at the decorated neighborhoods. We decorate the house with tasteful ornaments. Now I'm sorry if you already bought one of these, but I do not think we need little baby Jesus made out of mini-mallows laying on chocolate and a graham cracker! Am I wrong? If I'm wrong, I don't want to be right. It did however, strike me as a good time to compose a new Christmas Song....

"Away in a manger, chok-lit for a bed,
The little lord mallow lay down his sweet head,
The hay for his pillow went right through his eye,
It looked like a stir stick so Swiss Miss I tried"

I could go on and on.... Jesus made out of marshmallows? Who in the Mother Hubbard signed off on that idea? Well, at least it's a "tasteful" tasteless ornament.

A Waste Of Ink

I posted a rant before about Diet Coke and how unfair the press is when it comes to studies that prove nothing. All that needs to be present to make a startling headline is a link. What is a link? A link is not a cause and effect. What is a link? If I followed 100 fat-asses around for 10 years and wrote down everything they ate (for which I'd need a thick notebook) - when they are all dead and buried, if I read their logs and discovered that of the 60 who died of a heart attack, 50 of them ate carrots as a midnight snack - I could publish an article that claims "eating carrots may lead to heart attacks in obese men". Why do I care about this? I don't, but it cracks me up to read snippets in magazines that amount to nothing. Tonight I read in a sidebar blurb "Eating a bowl of whole grain cereal with skim milk after a workout may replenish nutrients as well as sports beverages." Hmmmm. I know after running a 10K I usually skip the Gatorade and go right for a bowl of Special K. The word "may" pretty much allows for anything. Monkeys "may" fly out of my ass when I get up from this chair later tonight. I "may"start to enjoy my job tomorrow. Drinking four Ketel One and tonics "may" make me invisible. Eating Taco Bell "may" precipitate an ugly bathroom experience...well, actually it will. The other day I had a bowl of cereal and right on the front it claimed that eating it for breakfast "may" lower my cholesterol. Well, which is it? Will it, or won't it? Actually, it's neither... It's not like eating Mini-Wheats will magically lower anything, it's what the Mini-Wheats are replacing that matters. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that if I generally eat a half pound of sausage, home fries and 20 oz. of whole milk for breakfast and I suddenly switch to 1/2 cup of Mini-Wheats with skim milk that it will be better for my body. And that's another thing.....who in the bleepity bleep can eat 1/2 cup of cereal? That's literally seven mini-wheats. Oh yeah, I checked, seven. The box says something like 18 servings. 18 servings? Maybe Karen Carpenter could get 18 servings out of a box of cereal but I'll be good and goddamned if I can get more than three. Wow. I had to Google Karen to see if I spelled her name right.....did you see that last picture on the link I posted? Did you watch Scooby-Doo as a kid? Bitch looks just like that cackling green skeleton-faced monster that ran around the airport.

Yeah, that's him!

Now, what point was I trying to make?

Water Under Troubled Bridge

This is sad. With all the money we spend on pork projects, I hope some local politicians can't sleep for years knowing this happened on their watch. Jesus Christ, from reading this article, it seems like the bridge actually has to fail before it will be replaced or shut down. If I was the agency that inspected that bridge or the person that acted on the inspection - I would hurry up and buy some towels and explosive devices and hide them in the bushes and rubble as quickly as possible. This is almost worse than terrorism. Here's what needs to happen, we need the daughter or son of every inspection officer to stand on every bridge with a full load of traffic and some construction equipment. If they aren't feeling good about that prospect......shut the bridge down! This isn't Mexico, this is the United States Of America. We pay $4 for coffee. We buy $500,000 homes. We drive $40,000 cars. We can't keep the busiest bridge in the state safe? Give me a freakin' break. 77,000 bridges in the nation are categorized the same way as this pile of shit? Oh my GOD! I'm driving to western PA this weekend. I'll feel safe crossing the Susquehanna going West on the new bridge....but I think coming East we'll be on the old bridge which needed to be replaced. Yikes! Talk about crossing your fingers and going. I'll be going about 100 mph. Still A Sis and family will be crossing the Tap/Zee tomorrow. I'll keep my fingers crossed, sis. Take a floaty with you. What horrible deaths those had to have been. It makes me sick to my stomach. As those agency's shredders warm up....I can only hope the very pants are sued off of them to the point where this will never, ever happen again here. Somewhere, that Mother Hubbard Bin Ladin is laughing at us and we probably deserve it.

Nike Steals Paris Hilton's Slogan

In this video clip of Wayne Rooney displaying his deadly accuracy, Nike pulls a fast one on Paris Hilton by using her personal mantra and corporate slogan without her permission or knowledge. According to her lawyers, her "knowledge" isn't that broad in the first place. To put it in today's perspective, the average person has the mental capacity of an 8gb iPod Nano. Doctors, Lawyers, Surgeons and Software Engineers have the equivalent of a 30gb iPod for a brain. A genius would then be sporting an 80gb iPod for their gray matter. In contrast, political and sports pundits would use a 4gb iPod Nano. Politicians would use a 2gb iPod Nano. People who worship celebrities would have the 1gb iPod Nano while most celebrities themselves would have the 1gb iPod Shuffle (it's still the same capacity as the smallest Nano - but it's style over substance and it's really tiny). We asked Hilton's personal psychiatrist to equate Paris' mental capacity to an electronics gadget. When told that "Toaster" did not qualify as a gadget - the doctor needed more time to think but did come up with a valid answer: the original Texas Instruments LED calculator. He was quick to point out that the calculator analogous to Hilton's brain did not have a memory function, square roots or exponentials....just basic addition, subtraction, multiplication and division. He also asked for the purposes of this comparison if we could all pretend that the relic computational device only held 6 digits.....knowing full well that it really held eight. Anyway, after the nice man kicks the soccer ball (soccer? what the hell is soccer?) into the target, you will see the stolen Hilton slogan. It's what she tells most people that she meets. If you remember, Hilton tried unsuccessfully to sue Nike when they first used "Just Do It" as she claimed it was a blatant ripoff of her massively popular "Just Do Me" slogan at that time.

Bush Commuting Libby

I read several article headlines today and saw many news clips about President Bush commuting Scooter Libby. A lot of folks seemed upset and complained that he shouldn't do it....especially liberals. Aren't liberals supposed to champion the environment? Why shouldn't President Bush stop by and pick up Scooter on his way to the office? It would allow them to use the car pool lane on the Beltway and catch up on things
while commuting Scooter to his new job. Bush has always been attacked for his stance on the environment and I think this is a step in the right direction. If this works out, maybe he'll rent a bigger car and swing by and pick up Rummy as well. He should really commute all of his friends that used to work for him. It's just like the liberal media to attack him for something and when he tries to do something about it - they attack him for that. The poor man just can't win.

Global Cooling - Act Locally!

How does the old saying go? April showers bring snow plowers? I don't know about you, but I'm getting sick to death of hearing about Global Cooling on TV all the time. "Global Cooling" this and "Global Cooling" that. It's crazy. Every semi-political show I watch or every topical piece I read - I have to have Global Cooling shoved down my throat. And I just love the facts that these idiots use to make their case! In this week's Sport's Illustrated, there is a blurb in the popular "Go Figure" column where it states that in 2006, exactly 10 MLB games were started with a game time temperature of below 45 degrees. So far in 2007, there have been 34 such games, with more to come. That doesn't prove a damn thing. These Global Cooling nuts don't realize that 1000 years ago there was a year that was colder than this year. I don't know about you, but I am not going take suggestions from celebrities to go out and buy a Hummer or a Suburban in an effort to help heat up the planet. I like cold weather! I grew up in the mountains south of Pittsburgh. I want it to keep getting colder! Next year they may move the start of baseball season to May in order to duck the chilly night games. And what about the lunatic fringe that thinks it's actually getting WARMER every year? Nothing like having your head buried in the sand, huh? I just had a young college student the other day knock on our door because they saw we recycled and asked us to please just throw everything away. The belief is that by not recycling, we can help heat the planet up a fraction of 1 percent. Come on, who are you trying to kid? Me throwing away my Diet Coke cans isn't going to change anything! I don't care if the planet freezes over. It's my grandchildren's children's problem, not mine, although I'm a little upset that now it looks like I'll have to take a Parka with me to North Carolina in June...but whatever - I don't leave the house anyway. We have a heated pool in the back yard, but I'm not going to turn the heat on just to piss off the people who WANT me to use more energy. Screw them.

Back With Little Or No Demand

I haven't done a celebrity "cock replace" in a while. Madonna is all over the news these days, so let's pick on her and husband Guy Ritchie. I could easily do all of Madonna's movies since there aren't that many, but there aren't even that many notable ones in the short list.

Cock Quest
Desperately Seeking Cock - My Favorite
Who's That Cock?
A Cock Of Their Own
Cock Of Evidence
Dick Cock

And I had to throw in this Guy Ritchie gem:

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Cocks - HA!

Wow. Mixes Made In Heaven

So, to me, putting Pulp Fiction together with Star Wars is pretty cool since I am a huge fan of both movies. They could have made it more personable for me if everyone was wearing Steeler helmets, eating ice cream and had 80's metal playing in the background..but these are still pretty cool. You won't think this is funny unless you saw Pulp, but if you did, it's pretty damn creative. The second clip must have many hours involved as some of it matches up perfectly. I bet if QT saw this he was laughing his ass off.