Is Holmes A Punk?

An interesting tidbit I read today on www.steelerslive.com (which is operated by a newspaper) quoted Big Ben as saying he placed several calls to Santonio Holmes after he was drafted and none of them were returned. He said the first time he spoke to him was on Friday and all he said was "Hi". How much sense does that make? Furthermore, if Ben came out and said this to the press, does it mean anything? Santonio has been working out with Hines Ward so hopefully Hines will rub off on him a little and he'll end up being a keeper. I'm starting to wonder:

A. Whose draft pick was it? Cowher's or Colbert's?

B. Was it contentious?

C. If it was Colbert's pick and Cowher didn't agree with it, could that be why all the speculation has come out since the draft about Cowher returning after his contract is up?

I've always waited to see the #1 picks perform before I throw judgement around, but this kid isn't doing anything to endear himself to the fans. I can't think back to the last #1 pick that irked me before Holmes. I can't think who the last long holdout was, but certainly nobody comes to mind when thinking about all the little things this cat has done already. Thank goodness they're all small things.

Guess Who Didn't Run The Drills?

Doesn't Duce look good in a sweatsuit? He should get paid endorsements for wearing sweatsuits since that's all he does. The Steelers released the list of players that did NOT take part in the opening running drills that coach Cowher does every year on Day 1 to gauge the fitness level of his players. You would think at some point Duce would just man-up and do something...ANYTHING....to prove to this city and his teammates that he is tough enough to be the bruising back he was brought here to be. Doesn't he understand if gave 120% this city would adopt him and worship him? It's hard goddamn work getting paid that much money to sit in a tub of ice and hold coach Cowher's headset cables. Am I alone on this?

6 Degrees of Cock

Ok, now that I did a top-rated "Cock" movie list title steal and a Joel and Ethan Coen "Cock" list - I decided to use Kevin Bacon for installment #3. On to the titles:

Cockloose
Animal Cock
Cock The 13th
QuickCock
White Cock Summer
Plans, Trains & Cocks
She's Having A Cock (my personal favorite)
Flatcocks (a close second)
He Said, Cock Said
A Few Good Cocks (too obvious)
The Cock Up There (wow. thats funny)
The Cock Wild
My Cock Skip (hilarious!)
Mystic Cock or Cock River (can't decide)

This is so much fun I need to make it a weekly column!

Slanted #24

Click On Image For Larger View

Inspired By Winkie

Slanted #23

Andrew Velez, My New Hero

You may have seen the headline today or at least heard the soundbite...the Velez family of Texas lost their second son to the war on terrorism. What a lot of news outlets are hiding in the soundbites and at the bottom of stories is the fact that when his brother Freddy was killed in Fallujah, Andrew was given the option to return home and leave Afghanistan. I don't need to go into detail about how some of the left likes to paint the war on terror. You'd almost think our guys are being held there against their will from what you hear from the TV talking heads. When given the option to return home, Andrew Velez decided that what he was doing was making a difference and he wanted to stay. He was part of the team searching for Osama Been Hiden. This guy wanted to serve his country and serve it well. Well, serve it well he did. Our heroes should not be people that hit dimpled or stitched balls far. Our heroes shouldn't be giants that can throw footballs 70 yards or run people over when carrying one. Our heroes shouldn't be musicians that play music in front of 50,000 fans at a time or actors that make Hollywood magic. Our heroes should be people that are half a world away, helping to prevent the next terrorist attack. Our heroes should be Pat Tillman and Andrew Velez, two men who didn't have to sign up, but did because they believed in the cause and wanted to make a difference. My heart goes out to this family and I hope they know how much people like myself appreciate their sacrifice.

Training Camp Eve

Still A. Crazy South Bob...or whatever he wants to be called....sent me this clip this morning and it got me FIRED UP! I had goosebumps! That's how much I love my team. The soldiers is what gets to me. Can you imagine the Iraqi citizens going about their daily business and a friggin' tank rolls through town with a Steeler flag flying? Wow. I'm ready to turn the main content of the site back over to Steeler Nation. Watch this clip. I think I'm going to prepare my own as well.

Gen X Flashback

Click Here!

Impressed By Home Videos

This is superb. I think it's a bunch of Bush clips spliced together to create the lyrics to Sunday Bloody Sunday. Even if it's faked, it still sounds really good and it's entertaining. The networks should be afraid. There are far more creative people putting together 5 minute clips than are making network TV shows. They should be trolling YouTube looking for creative people.

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That

Lance Bass of 'N-Sync came out of the closet today as the first of the 5 kiddie boppers in the band to make the announcement "I'm gay and proud of it". So proud in fact that he "hid" this news for several years. In other news today.... George Bush announces he is a conservative. Al Gore states he's for the environment. Jenna Jamison loves the porn. Tiger Woods seems to be taken with golf. Pam Anderson is smitten with rock stars. Joe Theisman loves to hear the sound of his own voice. Apparently the Yankees and Red Sox don't care much for each other. Heather Locklear and Denise Richards are no longer friends. Paris Hilton loves to bend just so when she gets out of a car wearing a skirt and no panties. Ok, this is getting bad in a hurry. It says Lance is in a relationship with a former reality TV Star. Hello? Calling Clay Aiken? Calling Clay Aiken? I bet somewhere tonight in the dark...Lance Bass's Ass is Aiken....not that there's anything wrong with that. I hope those kids will be happy. Lance Bass is gay. Shit, I could have told you that in 1997!

Parents. Parents? Parents!

This sickens me to my core. Yes, a monster committed the crime, but where on earth were the parents? You DO NOT let a 5 year old go outside by herself and then go out to check on her 5 or 10 minutes later! I don't care that the yard was fenced in! It was chainlink! A fence is for a dog, not a child. You need to have your eyeballs on a 5 year old! My daughter will be 7 in 2 months and she isn't out of my site for 10 minutes at a time. This isn't 1975 (as much as I wish it was). This is 2006. I feel for these people for they will probably never forgive themselves - but if the dad is saying he went outside 5-10 minutes later to check on her...how long was it really? I hope the scumbag that did this gets the death penalty and I hope he gets bent over his cot on several occasions before he dies a horrible death. Freaking piece of shit. There better not be an insanity plea. You could really say anyone who wants to bring harm to a 5 year old is insane. Please let the world be rid of this worthless waste of breath. Don't let your kids have too much freedom at that age. You can't afford to in this day and age. Back in the day, I could ride my bike to little league practice 4 blocks away and then go to a friend's house to play 6 blocks away from the ball field. I didn't have to be home until the street lights came on. I wasn't 6 or 7 but I wasn't 12 either. I started to run the neighborhood when I was 9 or so. The thing is, I couldn't go anywhere and not have someone know me. My neighbors didn't change. Ever. I knew if I stepped out of line several blocks away - eyes were on me that knew my parents. Fast forward to 2006: I've lived in this house for 2 years now and I seriously don't know the first or last names of the people that live 2 doors away from me on either side of me! I don't know the name of the woman that lives across the street from me, but I say "Hi" all the time. You don't know your neighbors anymore. You might know some really well, but there are others right around you that you have no CLUE about. There is so much turnover these days in big city suburbs that it is unbelievable. This house was built in 1991 and we're the 3rd owner. Our first house was built in 1991 also and it has had 3 owners - as has the house right beside our first house. I would be willing to bet that out of the 120 or so houses in our little development, less than 10% are original owners. So, I guess if you live in a small town with little or no turnover - sure - let the kids go outside and play their hearts out because you know everyone and everyone knows your kid.....but if you live somewhere where "For Sale" signs are common or you live in a neighborhood where "thru traffic" passes through for the daily commute....you're a fool if you let your 5 year old go unattended for 10 minutes. F-O-O-L.

Star Wars Chad Vader

This is some funny funny stuff. Maybe I'll look for more and start a series of these. This one is called Chad Vader: Day Manager

Brady Schmady

I'm still trying to figure out how Peter King of SI picked the Patriots to go to the Super Bowl for the AFC. Ok, they have Tom Brady, but from what I understand, Brady doesn't run the ball, play receiver or kick huge game-winning field goals....he doesn't rush the passer, stop the run or defend on deep bombs. Here's a list of who the Patriots lost this off season: PK Adam Vinatieri, LB Willie McGinest, WR David Givens and TE Christian Fauria left via free agency. QB Doug Flutie retired. Defensive coordinator Eric Mangini became head coach of Jets. This is a list of who they added: WR Reche Caldwell, PK Martin Gramatica, CB Eric Warfield, DT Jonathan Sullivan. Exactly! Yes, they have the coach and yes they have the QB - but we've all found out how cyclic the NFL is and I have news for you...if the Steelers don't go back to the Super Bowl...it will NOT be because of the Patriots. Who will it be if it's not the Steelers? Tough question. Indy replaced Vanderidiot with Vinatieri giving them a money kicker. I say money because I'm still not sure the team with the best offense in the league needed to spend that kind of money on a kicker when two defensive starters left. In my estimation, they did not get better. Denver may have gotten better by adding Javon Walker. Nobody even cares if "Assley" returns since Javon showed up. Kubiak leaving isn't a problem since Shanny runs the offense anyway. The Bengals lost nobody of importance and the only issues are Palmer being ready to play and if they can field enough people to play since half their team is in jail. The Jaguars were starting to look scary as I think they are solid all around and have good coaching - but since Jimmy Smith retired and they didn't replace him adequately, I'm not sure if the passing game can take pressure off the running game. The Chiefs are always a question mark. I can't believe the offense will remain as potent with Herm Edwards there as he is way more conservative than Vermeil and Saunders. The defense should be a little better. Maybe this will be their year or maybe they'll be 8-8, you can never tell about the Chiefs. San Diego? Not in Philip River's first year - sorry. The Fish? Interesting....but the sexy pick this early in the year never pans out. Culpepper is rumored to only be at 70%. He better get better fast or he's going to be on his back alot come week 1. I like our chances to get back to the bowl. I think a hungry Panthers team will be there waiting for us!

Winkie Lives!

Read it here. I think Winkie used to work in my building when I worked in the city. I rode the elevator a few times with her.

The Wild 1, Humans 1

Two stories caught my eye this morning as I browsed the news. They both contain animals not in the news that often. The first is Winkie, an elephant. Seems Winkie doesn't like the direction her life has taken. She used to be a performance elephant and now she's still in captivity....in Tennessee. Winkie has a history of being naughty to humans. Gee, I wonder why? Now don't get me wrong - I'm not a PETA supporter. All I'm saying is this beast has never lived a day of it's life the way it was intended to be lead, that's all. I can understand. It's like the Doctor that blew up his building in New York. I don't agree with the method....but I understand why he did it. Every once in a while we get tired of "The Man" telling us what to do. If you have any kind of backbone at all, you push back a little. Maybe Winkie decided "You know what, I'm sick to death of eating hay all day. Get me some peanuts, bitch". Do we know what really happened? No. Maybe the caretaker was having a bad day and did something to annoy Winkie? Someone will probably have Winkie's head on a wall by the end of the week. I sympathize with the trainer's family but if elephants were supposed to be in Tennessee, then they would be native to Tennessee. How pissed off would a PA black bear be if we dropped him in the middle of Africa and poked and prodded him all day? And speaking of bears.....read this. This bear is minding his own business in the woods, and takes a nibble of a boy's arm. He knows instantly it's not his normal diet and he lets go and runs away. Later the next day, the camp is cooking ribs and the bear comes back because it's smells cooked flesh! For this, it gets SHOT. First of all, how on earth do they know it's the same bear? It was dark and the kid was in a tent! So, if you go out in the middle of the woods and cook food and attract a bear - shoot it! That will solve everything. Maybe when bear hunting comes into season....you should just shoot a cow in the head...put it over an open flame and wait. Shoot anything that comes to check it out! Listen, I'm from western PA and I have no problems with the NRA. If I had $1,000,000 to give and it had to be the NRA or PETA, there would be a lot of happy hunters out there. Hunting and tracking take skill and precision. I'm not impressed however when someone builds a tree stand right by a path leading to a cornfield. A hungry bear smells meat and goes to it and gets shot. Almost makes me feel bad for the bear. It's also an ironic twist - aren't the Boy Scouts supposed to be about protecting and respecting nature?

The Holy Rolling Far Right Is Bothering Me

I'm utterly frustrated with my political party this week. Yes, I swing to the right on a lot of key issues - at least idealistically. Most of my affiliations with the right are things connected to money, taxes, defense, government size, toughness on crime and punishment..and things like that. However, there are still a few issues that I don't side with the right on, the biggest being abortion. It's not that I would ever choose it, but I buy into the business that we shouldn't be telling people what to do with their bodies. There are Republicans so far to the right that I don't agree with them just like there are some moderate Democrats that I do agree with on some things. It's the far left that I am most out of touch with as I'm not sure I agree with one liberal policy and I don't consider abortion a "liberal" policy per se. I'm not a huge fan of social programs either. Communities can have them if they want, but I don't like federal taxes going to every cause under the sun. I just can't think of one good reason to hold up stem cell research yet Bush's White House is intent on doing just that. I know his opinion is that we have enough lines started already but from what I've read, there aren't enough and his figure is grossly overestimated. Even with Nancy Reagan on board, Bush vetoed the bill. From what I've read, Bush may not even think this is a good idea but he wants to keep his "base" happy. Well, is the religious right his "base"? I know they vote for him, but I also know a ton of young Republican professionals who are not overtly religious who are very much for increasing the availability of embryos for stem cell research. I'm just guessing if we miked up God Almighty he might think it's just fine to do all the stem cell research we can handle. How can the Bible be against something that just started a few years ago? I don't agree much with Bill Maher but he had a great line once...."I'm an equal opportunity killer", meaning he's for abortion and the death penalty while most people on either side of the aisle are only in favor of one or the other. The really disappointing thing about this is that Rick Santorum of my home state felt the need to get his name on a piece of "feel good" legislature that says something asinine like "I'm all for creating new lines of stem cells as long as it's not from discarded embryos". Really? He may as well pass a bill that says "I'm against all sex acts committed against children". It's pointless really except that he's positioning himself to run as a moderate by saying he created stem cell legislation. All this from the party that I align myself with because in some respect they do seem to pine for the days of a more moral America. I'm still 90-10 to the right, but after this week it's more like 89-11. I feel like there's no way a Republican can win the next election and that makes me worry that I could wake up one day to President Clinton....again. Where is Rudy when you need him? We can still fight to have the morals of the 1950's even though we have technology from 2000. Wow. That sounds really stupid coming from the guy who likes to put "cock" in movie titles!!

Slanted #22

FiOS Rocks

I just got Verizon FiOS installed today and it is F-A-S-T. Right now I'm clocking 5 times faster than my DSL and in a few weeks when they move to speeds of 10-30-60 instead of 5-15-30, I'll be 10 times faster than DSL and 2 times as fast as cable....all for $29.95 a month. If I was willing to pay a little more I could be 12 times faster than cable but my rep said only businesses seem to be going that route. This is the 2nd time this week Verizon has helped me out. On Tuesday night we were at a swim meet when the worst storm in several years blew through. We had to navigate and redirect a few times on our way home because of all the downed trees. We were an hour away from our house in unfamiliar territory and visibility was nill. I hopped on my new Verizon RAZR phone and started up VZ Navigator and it talked me right back to my house. I fell in love with GPS while on the road for business and couldn't believe what I had been missing. I researched it a bit and instead of opting for yet another gadget, I bought a phone that had the same capabilities. I can now route, plan and navigate from the phone and it is simple to use. One cool feature that I like is being able to see a realtime map of the surrounding area with a moving icon representing me. Cool stuff. That way, if I'm not currently navigating using the gps feature, I can still see where I'm at and all the major highways in relationship to me. My only complaint would be the smallish screen as the one I had in a rental car had a screen the size of a portable dvd player. However, for as often as I'm really going to use it - the screen is fine. Big ups to Verizon (so far) for the new technologies they are offering.

Porn Title Steals, The Sequel

Wow. A lot of good feeback from adding "cock" to movie titles in place of another word. True to my promise, here is the next installment. This is a list of Joel & Ethan Coen movies:

The CockKillers
Intolerable Cock (I worked for this guy for a long time)
The Cock Who Wasn't There
O Cock, Where Art Thou?
The Big Cock
Cocko (How else do you change Fargo?)
The Cocksucker Proxy (Ok, I cheated, but Hudsucker is so easy!)
Cock Fink.....or Barton Cock
Miller's Cock
Raising Cock
Blood Cock

Damn, this is fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun.

Patriotic Country Music

Well, no, I didn't start listening to country music. It's funny that someone like me who can listen to blues, rock, heavy metal, death metal, techno, pop, alternative, new wave, ska, punk, rap, hip hop and jazz - finds most country music not to my liking. If you go back to when I was growing up, I could stand old school country like Waylon Jennings, Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson. I even remember Buck Owens playing a nasty guitar on Hee-Haw along with that fellar who played the banjo...Roy Clark. It's that older stuff that contains elements of the blues that draws me to...well...not hate it. However, with the advent of "New Country" or whatever the hell Garth Brooks brought with him...or whatever they call all these idiots in skin tight muscle shirts that they're passing off as country...it made me not appreciate country just a little more. I want my male country music artists to be someone you'd be afraid to go outside with to discuss a matter. Not some clean shaven pansy who buys $300 shirts from Neiman Marcus. Frankly, these new male country artists fronting as badasses make me laugh, with Toby Keith being the obvious exception. Anyway, you may have seen this piece already on Comedy Central but it's pretty funny. Let me be clear about this - I'm ALL FOR country musicians being patriotic and wrapping themselves in the flag. Anyone who knows me knows my thoughts on the current state of the mideast. And even though I don't buy country artist's music, I'm fine with the patriotic sentiment in alot of their work and I back the ClearChannel (eveil empire) decision to restrict airplay from any artist they choose...they do own the stations. Ooops, I just thought of something...I do own 2 Charlie Daniels LPs. For you younger folks, LPs were these big black vinyl....oh, nevermind. Anyway, even though I'm down with the politics of a lot of country music artists, this clip is funny even though they're making fun of people like Toby Keith. It drags on and on, but the best line comes right around the 50 second mark. You can stop it after 1:00 unless you feel compelled to watch the rest of it. You won't believe how the ficticious singer finishes the line "Eagles are bald, so am I, If you're from Europe.........". I almost pee'd myself.

Highschool Flashback

This morning I woke up early and was treated to two things that I loved in highschool. I wached the Rush: R30 dvd and when that was over Pretty In Pink was on a movie channel. To this day, I still think Andy should have picked Ducky! Essentially, the same story gets told again in Some Kind Of Wonderful only this time the two right people end up together. Anyway, to get back to Rush - they have been one of - if not my favorite - bands since Moving Pictures came out. I don't need to ramble on about them but it says enough that they still sell out tours in the same halls as they did 30 years ago and not county fairs like other bands that still play. Geddy looks younger now than when he had that terrible pony tail in the mid 90's. Alex looks the same though a few pounds heavier and it almost pained me to see Neil's cheeks and chin flap a bit when he plays. He's still as fluid as water but you can tell visually that he has to try harder to keep up with the speed and difficulty level of the tracks he put down some 30 years ago. Overall it's a fantastic concert, but of course I'd like to see more pre 1990 songs. This could have been 4 hours instead of 2 plus. They should have played 2 different shows and spliced them together.

Cirque du Soleil - Quidam

We went to see Quidam on Saturday. What a lovely way to spend over $300. I'm always very impressed by the acts and the music. The clowns for this show were fantastic and the two crowd participation acts they did were hilarious. The air conditioners failed to some degree yesterday and it made it very humid and uncomfortable in the tent. If I have one critique of Cirque, it's that I don't understand the bit characters that stand around and watch the action striking a different pose with every punctuation of music. Had I not read the paragraph describing the show on their website before we went, I would have had no idea what was going on! I may have made an educated guess after viewing the show, but in reality, it's a bunch of really cool acts with tremendous performers with weird transitions and even weirder (more weird?) characters. I get the giggles sometimes because as I'm watching a brilliant balancing act, out of the corner of my eye I catch a dude that looks like Uncle Fester (wearing boxing gloves?) doing Madonna's Vogue. I would be just as happy if an emcee introduced each act and the music stopped, but I guess this is far more artistic. I would assume a lot of the audience is there because of the supposed artistic value of the shows. I can assure you, however, that I am there to simply witness the athleticism and competence of the performers themselves. The artistic value is fourth in line for me after the performances, comedy and music. Maybe fifth if you count some of the skimpy outfits.

Ben Interview Was Interesting

Curse ESPN. Last night's Sportscenter was on from 10:30-12:00. I wanted to catch the Roethlisberger interview but I also wanted to go to bed as I was exhausted from being a coordinator at a swim meet. They started the interview with Jim Rome around 10:50 and I thought I was off the hook....not so fast - they broke the interview into three parts! The complete transcript is on ESPN's website. He did look MUCH thinner to me on screen. His face does have subtle differences but I'm not sure if that's attributed to the weight loss or the surgery. It seems like he's holding his mouth differently when he speaks - on the top middle portion. I heard and read parts of the interview before I saw it in it's entirety and I liked the answers in the interview in context instead of reading it watered down. When I first read it, it almost seemed like he was saying that he usually wears his helmet but forgot it that day. In reality, he was supposed to take it to get it painted that day but forgot it. The one thing that I just can't understand though is his reply to the question "Why don't you always wear a helmet?". Ben answers something like "Because I don't have to. In PA you have your choice and I prefer to feel free when riding the bike since it's not a law." That's incorrect from what I've read. If you have a permit or have only had a license for less than 2 years - you ARE required to wear a helmet in PA. That's why he was ticketed. I don't understand his response or why Jim Rome didn't make him qualify his answer. Maybe Rome was unprepared for the interview and didn't know the law? Who knows. All I really care about is whether our boy is going to be ready on the first day of camp. I like the way the interview ended. Ben said something to the effect of he now has more motivation since people were writing him off after the accident and he has something to prove. Let's hope he proves it and he's still playing into February this season.

Catch Ben

Ben will be on ESPN's Sportscenter tonight for an interview. DAMN! I have to miss it. I have to work at my daughter's swim meet tonight. I'll watch a rerun when I get home. He'll also be on the ESPY's Sunday night accepting best team award with the rest of the Steelers. Cowher won for best manager/coach and you should see him. I saw the clips (taped last night, not airing until Sunday) and he's all tan with Hollywood shades on. I Love It!!!

Ben Back In Public

He doesn't look that much different to me. What do you think?
Granted, the structure of his jaw bone does look slimmer, but i'll have to wait until I see some video of him. Sometimes still pictures can be deceiving.

Slanted #21

Do I Have To Repeat Myself?

Why Why Why must we mess with Mother Nature? Is anyone ever going to feel safe driving through these tunnels? Read it here, but you already know the details. That is some scary stuff. Can you imagine driving through there and having a drop of water hit your windshield? I think I'd crap my pants! I can't even imagine the horror that poor guy went through as he crawled to safety knowing his wife was crushed to death. Be ready for the cover-ups. I know one thing: brother is going to get P-A-I-D.

Holmes Hurts Himself

After Santonio Holmes signs his first contract with the Steelers, I can't wait to see how it slots between the picks around it both this year and last year. I'm thinking even though his scrapes with the law were minor - The Steelers may still get a benefit from them in the form of a slightly lower contract for his draft position. Speaking of which - they may need to get some verbiage in there about his off field behavior. Not sure how the Ben contract will shake out - but since the Steelers backed him and didn't criticize him for his crash, maybe now would be a good time to sign him also. Maybe he feels a tad guilty right now and would take slightly less himself. I'll tell you what - should they repeat as Super Bowl champions this year, they are in HUGE trouble with both Ben and Troy's contracts coming up. I think it would be idiotic to try to redo both of those deals in the same off-season...but what do I know?

Porno Movie Title Steals

Somebody sent me a link of a lame blog that had made-up porno movie names using popular movie titles and substituting one word. It was terrible! It was so bad I won't even link it. What I will do, however, at the risk of making some people squirm is put out a list of my own titles showing this guy what creative energy really is. I'll be so creative that I'll only change one word of the title and I'll change it to the same word in every film. The word I choose is "cock". Simple. If you lean to the prudish side - just imagine that "cock" is another word for rooster and read on. Hopefully the list will make you laugh and you'll forget you're being prudish. In the words of the great Norm McDonald - "cock" is the best word ever to use in a joke.

Jurassic Cock
When Harry Met Cock
Lord of the Cock
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Cock
Spider-Cock (I'm giggling about this one)
The Passion of the Cock
Finding Cock
The Lion Cock
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Cock
Pirates of the Carribean: The Curse of the Black Cock
The Sixth Cock
The Cock Reloaded
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Cock (still giggling)
How The Cock Stole Christmas
Cock, Inc.
Cock Almighty
Raiders of the Lost Cock
My Big Fat Cock Wedding
Cock Busters
Beverly Hills Cock
Cock Kong
Saving Private Cock
Charlie and the Cock Factory (laughing out loud now)
Snow White and the Seven Cocks
Dances with Cocks
Mission: Cock
There's Something About Cock (this is an A+)
Beauty and the Cock
Three Men and a Cock (HA!)
The Longest Cock
Scary Cock
Fatal Cock
I, Cock
Lilo & Cock
Cock by the Dozen
Teenage Mutant Ninja Cock
Silence of the Cock
Honey, I shrunk the Cock
My Best Friend's Cock
the Hunt for Red Cock
Blazing Cock
The Cock of all Fears
You've Got Cock
Black Cock Down
The Pelican Cock

Ok, now I'm just bored. See how easy this is. I just used IMDB's list of all movies grossing 100 mil. My god, thats funny stuff. If anything, you should now be able to read the word "cock" in print and not even blink. Maybe I should make this a regular column and use different genres. The Disney movies did seem to work well in the formula. Anyway, I'm sure I missed a ton and I could have cut the list down to only the funniest ones........but I think I'll leave them all.

Fan & Dog Both Correct

It was Rice at third and Downing at home. Read it here.

National Pastime has Passed

I remember when I was a kid, as much as I loved the Steelers, I also loved baseball. I grew up watching the Pirates and I was Pirates fan until around 1980 or so when I began to follow the Phillies and Mike Schmidt like my older cousin. My cousins and I would stay overnight at our aunt's and grandmother's house and hold a draft one night and then play numerous hours of wiffle ball the next day updating our drafted player's stats after every at-bat. We lived for that. Who didn't play some form of backyard baseball where the one side of the garage roof was a double and over the crest of the roof was a HR? If the ball went into the grapevine, you had to run it out, but over the grapevine was a dinger. How many hours were spent arguing over whether a ball was fair or foul, high or low, ball or strike? We all had our own "home" fields and everyone in the neighborhood knew the rules for your field. It's not like we didn't play "Bradshaw to Stallworth" as Stallworth was falling out of bounds with two feet barely in.....but we also hit home runs after cranking up our "Willie Stargell" bats or slapped singles after doing the "Joe Morgan chicken wing". We had our acts down for everybody! The Byrd, The Mad Hungarian, George Brett's stance, Rod Carew's stance, Pete Rose's stance....if someone batted left-handed, we had to bat left-handed when they came up. We were dedicated to accuracy if anything. If it rained outside, we played APBA. In my mind at that time, I was football 55% and baseball 45%. It helped those percentages that I played organized baseball and didn't have the physique to play football! Every year around this time we'd be so jacked up about the All-Star game that we couldn't stand it. The All-Star game was HUGE when I was a kid. I'll never forget the game where Dave "The Cobra" Parker threw out 2 AL runners in key situations during the game. I think it was either 1979 or 1980. If memory serves, he threw out Jerry Rice at the plate with Gary Carter doing the catching and another runner at third, but I can't remember the exact situations. It may have been Rice at third...I'll Google it and see what I come up with. Somehow - I think Still A. Dog might be able to remember this better than me as he seems to has a photographic memory for key sporting events. I bet Still A. Wife wishes he could remember to flush the toilet and put the cap on the toothpaste with that kind of regularity! Anyway, the following year, This Week in Baseball with Mel Allen used the Parker throw to the plate in the clips shown with the credits as the show ended to the familiar theme music. I couldn't tell you how many times I hummed that song and pretended I was Parker making that throw. I continued to watch baseball through college where I was the commissioner for our Rotisserie league in 1990. My team was the "Screaming Vikings" which was a Cheers reference. In college me and "Tailgating Big W" used to lay in bed (not together!) and quiz each other on starting 9's from teams of the past if we weren't in the mood to snuggle...I mean sleep. When you collected baseball cards, you knew most players from every team. My joy for baseball peaked somewhere between 1975 and 1990 and I got interested again as the Phillies had a tremendous 1993 season, but after the strike I got so disinterested that I never went back. In fact, since 1993 the only complete games I've seen are the 10 or so games that I've attended - and I probably didn't pay that much attention to the games. I went to see PNC Park 3 times and the Phillie's new park once. The other games were at the Vet and I went with coworkers to hang out, not to watch the games. I used to watch several complete games a week when I was a kid. What happened to baseball? I can't name 20 current players but I can probably name 20 players on the 'Big Red Machine' alone. Baseball lost me and a ton of other people my age. Will it continue to lose people? Who knows. I just know that as the All-Star game approached the past 10-15 years I could care less. Not one lousy bit. I didn't care what the score was or who the starting pitchers were. We used to argue over who the starting pitchers should be. Now, I couldn't even guess 5 players on each side with 100% certainty. Is that sad or what? I could go on forever about this and it's really old news anyway as this could have been written 10 years ago....but long live football. Long live th NFL. Long live the Rooneys and The Steelers. The King is dead. Long live the King.

Put Your Best Butt Forward

This sounds like a good event in concept...until you find out that there aren't that many babes there. I would buy a ticket for the train if the Hawaiin Tropics Bikini Team was lining the tracks. Heck, I might buy a ticket if someone younger than 40 was lining the tracks. From the write-up, it sounds like a bunch of old hags. Here's the article.

5..4..3..2..One Less Idiot

What is WRONG with people? <----Click It!

I Was One Shade Off

Try This <------ Report Back in comments if you are normal or not. Do not read the comments until you've tried it.

I guess I was right along...I AM slightly slanted.

I Miss Da 'Burgh

Check out these awesome photos of the city. Thanks to Mr. Britt for sending me the link. Thanks to the superb photographer for permission to link them here!

Check them out! <<--- Click Here!

Ode To Kenny Boy

There once was a man named Kenneth

Whose bookkeeping methods upset us.

He only gave matches in his stock,

From a capitalist guy thats a huge crock.

To the stockholders whom bullshit was fed,

No tears that Kenneth Lay dead.

To the employees who lost their retirement,

Joy that Lay's pump had stopped firin'.

To his wife who was tired of his whoring,

No more nights of Kenneth Lay snoring.

And his cronies who made plenty of bread?

Not even a BLINK that Kenneth Lay dead.

To the capitalists he gave a black eye,

No sorrow or pity he died.

When all is done and said,

CEOs heed karma....Kenneth Lay dead.

Somebody make me a list of things that rhyme with Skilling.....

180 Degree Difference

These guys got shot because they wanted to watch the World Cup. If I had my choice of getting shot or watching Italy play Germany in the semifinals, try to hit the fleshy part of my thigh.

...And Speaking Of Animals

This is embarassing. As we try and try to get respect for what we're accomplishing in Iraq, news like this makes me sick. It just goes to show that even in the greatest country in the world - animals live to torment others. All the details aren't out yet, but I can;t think of one reason to kill the younger sister, unless she was pointing a gun at you....and even that would be a tough call. I think this idiot should be put to death if all the allegations are true. I also think the other 3 in the house need to be charged as well as the other soldier who knew what happened but wasn't there. We are there to clean up Iraq. How on Earth are we supposed to get them to stop hating us and respect us when a renegade group of pathetic cowards like this running around. I'm pro defense in a big way which means this is a tough pill to swallow. Happy 4th. Just think how that Iraqi family feels. Wow.

PETA - People Eating Tasty Animals

This lady is a clown. Why on Earth do people who are hard core vegetarians feel like they have to shove their beliefs down our throats. There's no room in my throat for her beliefs because it's full of tasty rare London Broil. Does she care about Shrimp? Were they suffering from lack of freedom? I'm going to imagine for a second that Still A Dog wrote a letter to the local paper. It would go something like this:

Dear Sir,

Goddamn I love me some steak. This Fourth of July, I'm going to smoke a ham. I might leave the head on it. I want it to see who the boss is. While the ham is smoking, I think I'll throw some filets on the grill. I like them real tender - from young cows. Mmmmm...filet. For dessert, I'm having pork chops smothered in BBQ sauce. I might add a shot of Johnny Walker to the BBQ sauce and some liquid smoke. I think everyone should celebrate the Fourth of July the same way as me - by grilling the shit out of some tasty stupid animals that were put on this planet to nourish my body. Was Jesus a vegetarian? I like to do what Jesus did. I like to drink wine, attempt to walk on water.....have fish fries.....get drunk and get some hookers...... what? you don't think Christ Almighty has a sense of humor? He must....he put that dumb PETA bitch on the planet and gave her the right to write her stupid letter. I bet she's ugly, too. I bet she has bad hair, skinny, pale.....sickly...boys don't like her....can't get a date..... Shit, in the words of the great Ron White "Man did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots". The End. Well, I bet Still A Dog could write a better letter than that - but right now he's out getting hammered at the Blues Festival.

Slanted #20

Click Image For Larger View

Screw France, In Fact, Screw The World Cup

You know what? I'm sick. Sick to death of reading all of these self righteous sports writers trying to tell me that I should be enjoying the World Cup. Worse yet - trying to make me feel guilty or less of a sports fan because I'm not watching it. I'd like to know how many minutes of the games these clowns are watching....or if they're watching at all. I get the feeling they're like pseudo football fans - those who claim to be big fans but in reality they only watch highlights and read headlines, then regurgitate what they've heard. Listen, I've been hearing for 15 years how we should be into soccer. Guess what? We're not. Deal with it. I'm tired of ESPN running promos trying to make the event seem important to Americans. It's not. It is important to Americans with close ties to their homeland and newly minted (legal) Americans, but for the rest of us? Eh. Here's a shocking sentence that is absolutely true: If I happen to be in front of a TV at the time of the final game (couldn't tell you when it is) and I was flipping around and saw it - I would choose a 1974 rerun of Match Game on Gameshow Network over the final 30 minutes of the World Cup. No Lie. That Charles Nelson Riley really cracks me up! It's not just that the USA isn't still in it either. If the US was playing in the finals, I might be interested in the final score, but I still wouldn't watch the game. I'd rather watch Kim Possible with my daughter. That Dr. Drakken.....man he's crazy. World Cup? I'll pass. You can't fake passion. We just don't have it for soccer. I will say this, I hope France loses. I don't have any ties to Portugal, but I don't want France to win anything.

But Did They Finish The Show?

1st Of July Fireworks "display".