FAN: Elena Kagan, Patton Oswalt - Separated At Birth?

Separated At Birth?

DOG: Vaginal Bruising / Injured Colon!

Well, the off-season from Hell continues along it's merry way. First we have to dump Santonio Holmes for a bag of peanuts. Then Big Ben gets accused of getting frisky with a young co-ed complete with accounts of vaginal bruising which results in a 4-6 game suspension. Now Ben's sidekick, Willie Colon, has a torn Achilles and is likely out for the season. Frankly I can't wait for the season to begin. This off-season has been a nightmare of Bengalian proportions!

No matter how you slice it, we've lost 3 starters from our last Super Bowl team for at least the first 4 games of the season, 2 of them for all of it. And that's not good.

Not that Wille Colon was some great Tackle, he wasn't. He was average on a good day. But he was arguably our second best offensive lineman. I don't see who can replace him among the candidates we have available. Someone will inevitably get the opportunity. And whoever that turns out to be, I hope he seizes the moment and puts a lock on the RT position. But really, that's just wishful June-football thinking.

As my friends will tell you I am fond of using the phrase "Every coin has two sides, and some have more than two." The sides I see are: The Bad Side where we have nobody to play RT in Colon's absence. And The Good Side where our false start penalties have immediately been cut in half!

Please let the games begin. I can't take much more off-season bad news.

FAN: Good Taste

So another guy at my office has superior taste in both cars and football teams. Nice!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

DOG: Gettysburg Festival

So the Dogs went on a date last night. A rare occasion even for married couples whose kids long ago "flew the coop." And as you close followers of this blog know, this story was supposed to be an update on the Afro Bop Alliance concert and we'll get to that. But the real story here is the Gettysburg Jazz Festival. That's where we went.

This festival is 10 days long and includes music, art, dance, and culinary arts. It is absolutely fantastic for a city as small as Gettysburg, PA. Kevin Eubanks is the headline act on Saturday and the parade of first class musicians goes on from start to finish. But last night it was Caribbean night. And the featured artist was the Afro Bop Alliance who were also featured on this blog a couple months ago as the top album in our regular segment "What Are You Listening To Now?"

The Afro Bop Alliance was very good. A bit of lacking instrumentation from their albums left us a bit disappointed. They were missing a trombonist and there was no steel drums or vibraphone as we expected. But their two sets were both top notch nonetheless.

The best thing was the Caribbean Cookout put together by former White House chef Walter Scheib. I talked to Walter and he was a most gracious man and a very cool guy. The actual chef was a young dude who is starting a new restaurant on Front Street in Harrisburg, PA called The Milestone. Anyhow it was without a doubt the best buffet dinner I have ever had. Hands down!

I can't remember what all they had. But I'll tell you what all was OUTSTANDING and that'll cover 90% of what they offered up.

Started off with real (everything here was real, not a single damn thing from any kind of pre-produced anything) potato chips. And not just potatoes but a couple different kind of potatoes including sweet potato chips and 3 different heavenly dips for them which I cannot even describe.

The salad I had was called Mango Tango. Some exotic lettuce leaves resembling Romano lettuce with thinly sliced mangoes. I used a coconut dressing with roasted Brazil nuts and some kind of awesome grilled crouton looking things that were out of this world.

Then I picked up some mushroom pockets and a Cuban Grinder which is a small sandwich of pulled smoked pork with a coleslaw on top. The mushroom pockets were spectacular, the Cuban Grinders were just good.

Then on to the seafood. Some kind of wonderful baked fish I can't remember the name. Next they had this ground trout mixed with seasonings and other stuff inside a corn husk that was sensational. The jumbo shrimp were perfectly done in some kind of Virgin Island sauce that was killer.

I got some Cuban hot ribs that were frankly just good. But the Jamaican Jerk chicken was moist and absolutely fantastic. They had grilled veggies, red peppers, zucchini, squash, and asparagus and every one of them was done to perfection. Crisp but not over or under cooked. Grill marks and all. As someone who knows how difficult that is to accomplish I really think they did a magnificent job on the vegetables.

And from the bar, Rum Mojitos were the order of the day. We each had four before they ran out. The also offered only two beers but both were excellent microbrew choices from Appalachian Brewing in Harrisburg. Didn't drink any wine.

So with ourselves full of mojitos and the finest Caribbean food you could get this side of Havana, it was on to the Afro Bop Alliance.
With the temperature at 100 degrees earlier in the day, the night settled in and ABA kept the "cool" flowing until well after dark.

FAN: Tiger Woods Picture Of The Year

DOG: Sawmill Makeover

Mattie Dog poses in front of Mt. Dog at the "Sawmill"

While Fan has been struggling and bitching and plumbing his way through a new bathroom project, I, like the smart squirrel who stores his nuts for winter (although I use mine year round), have been lumberjacking since early spring.

I've taken trees down for folks, cut up trees that were already down from storms and aborted lumberjacking projects by a homeowner, and cut up trees that were taken down due to building projects. So I've accumulated lots of good wood for this winter. Problem is/was that I was running out of places to put more logs in my back yard.

To explain, my back yard is split in half by a very nice winding brick walk which I installed some years ago to make my house handicap accessible for when my father lived with me. One side of the walk is like a pleasant garden with flowerbeds, patio, picnic table, bar, and landscaping. That is Mrs. Dog's side. On the other side, my side.... well it's a fucking sawmill. I got a hydraulic log splitter over there and stacks and stacks of wood in all phases of development. Logs that need to be cut, cut logs that need to be split, split logs that need to be stacked, and stacked logs that need to be burned. It was full of pallets on which logs could be stacked. But half of them had rotted out from years back there. It's pretty much a mess.

Now we're having this backyard BBQ for Mrs. Dog who is graduating from college next month. So I got to get the sawmill side in order before we have guests over. And you know I have a backyard BBQ just about every weekend and sometimes my friends come over too. But I guess there's gonna be people from her work there so, much as I hate to do it, I've got to put on appearances. For two weeks I've been splitting wood and I'm not near done with just that part. So this weekend I cleaned out the rest of the storage area and next weekend I hope to wrap this up.

I've got a mountain of split wood which is about 6 1/2 feet tall by 12 feet long by I don't know the depth of it, it's variable. People say, "How many cords is that?"

I say, "Who gives a shit?" I ain't selling wood, and I ain't buying wood. The only people who need to worry about what a cord of wood is are the people buying and selling firewood. I ask myself this question only, "Is that going to be enough to heat my house this winter?" That's all I give a shit about. Well that, and of course if the final makeover the sawmill side gets is satisfactory with Mrs. Dog.

FAN: Horrible Confluence of Events

So we're going on a vacation and we're getting passports. Our local Post Office only has odd hours for filing the paperwork and they don't do weekends which is ludicrous. You even have to make an appointment. The next town over has an open door policy on Passport filings at their Post Office.

Still A Stroke was being dismissed at 10:30 on Friday so I worked from home. Mrs. Fan left work on lunch around 11:00 and came to pick us up to go to the Post Office. The night before we got the forms signed and had all the birth certificates out as well as our pictures. We were prepared.

We got to the PO and I realized I forgot my wallet. I was working from home and forgot to grab it before we left and I was being picked up so I wasn't driving. Mrs. Fan wasn't pleased at all. "Go Get It!" There was one group already getting it done and one other couple in front of us. I took her keys and like Micahel Jackson Beat It.

I went two miles down the road and decided stupidly to take a side road because there was construction on the road going back to our house. Less than 2 miles up the side road, IT was closed. I got on another side road that went back to the road I left. I floored it. When I got to the redlight, ........yup........I saw the flashing lights right stinking behind me.

I've been driving 25 years and until this past Thanksgiving I've had a perfect driving record. I got nailed going 81 mph in a 65 zone heading to see Still A Sis. What did this guy clock me at? He was on that side road knowing it was the only way back down to the main road. He was a weasel! I rolled down the window and he asked for.......my license. Stop laughing. I said that's a funny story officer, can I pull into the nursery right here and tell you? No. Tell me right here.

Jackass made cars go around us making the intersection totally unsafe for 25 minutes. I told him that my wife was on lunch and that we were getting passports and I forgot my wallet and was going home to get it and the road was closed. 57 in a 35 and no license or registration so another $75 on top of the speeding.

He wasn't personable, friendly or even polite. He was a tool and he'll see me in court where I will lose and pay the stupid ticket, but I will get back the $75 for having a license and hopefully 0 points.

My insurance didn't go up a nickel from the first ticket as I get an "Oooops" every 5 years. A second "Oh Shit" on top of an "Ooooops" will draw attention if I get points. 25 years! Well, I've been lead footed for 25 years so Karma is indeed a bitch.

DOG: Lightnin' Jesus!

He used to be called Jacuzzi Jesus, Big Butter Jesus, and Touchdown Jesus (much to the ire of Notre Dame fan who have their own Touchdown Jesus).

But now they call (what's left of) him "Lightnin' Jesus" -not to be confused with Lightnin' Hopkins, Lightnin' Slim, or Lightnin' Malcolm- after God struck him down with a bolt of lightning!

I for one used to have what is commonly known as "the fear of God" put into me when threatened with punishment by my father. So I suppose it's a father's right to punish his son and God may have done that at the Solid Rock church in Monroe, Ohio. Here's the story.

But it's more likely he punished a church called Solid Rock for erecting a 62' statue of Jesus Christ out of styrofoam and fiberglass!!!

False idols, anyone?? And is the Notre Dame version next on God's list?

FAN: Grrrrrr

So almost done with the bathroom remodel and last night my wife notices water on the basement floor which could have easily been overlooked because we had really bad rain. Nope. Just the intersection of bad luck with bad timing.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

DOG: What Are You Listening To Now?

Hey cool cats, what are you listening to these days? Last time I was at Cousin Patty's house a few weeks back we spent a few beers and hours introducing each other to new music. So when her comment to my Buildin' Them Chops post included a music reference, I knew it was time for another edition of WAYLT.

It was hard to narrow the choices down to 10 albums (and really there's eleven if you count both the Paul Gilbert ones). But it's been a while since we did one of these which gave me ample time to acquire new music all over the place. So here's what has been reverberating at my place lately:

10. Frank Gambale-Natural Selection. Starting off with a little jazz-rock fusion by the incredible Frank Gambale. I pretty much have to listen to this alone. Mrs. Dog is not a big fusion fan and I need the solitude to concentrate on what is going on. This stuff is fairly complex and although I know I don't "get" all of it, it's not for lack of trying. I thought the album cover was rather poignant too. Natural Selection, and you got a blue chameleon on a yellow & red & green flower. Not blending in at all. What else was Frank gonna use for a graphic? A beaver who chopped a tree down on top of himself? Natural Selection at work!

9. Hamilton Loomis-Live In England. I was very pleasantly surprised when I first heard this album. I had read a short bio on Hamilton Loomis in Blues Revue magazine which said he was one of the young "up and coming" blues guitarists of the next decade. But I take the Blues Revue stories with a grain of salt. They strive to be objective. But at the end of the day they're struggling to stay afloat like most paper publications these days and record company advertising is what keeps them in business. So I'm always suspicious of a bias. But they were right with this one. Loomis is very entertaining and can really play. The energy of the live performance is captured nicely. Check this dude out, he's legit.

8. Pat Travers-Fidelis. Pat Travers is widely known as a blues-rocker yet I am shamefully unfamiliar with much of his music. So with his new album in my mitts, I decided to find out. And I really like like it. Flaming, screeching, screaming, growling, crying guitar spitting out blues riffs over top of rocking boogie. What's not to like? All I can ask is "What took me so long?" Plus, again he has a perfect album cover. There is no more loyal breed of dog than the dalmatian. So for "Fidelis" the choice was perfect. I've been known to dump a wife here or there. But not a single one of my dalmatians. They stay for life.

7. Vargas Blues Band-Chill Latin Blues. This is what's playing right this second in the "Media Room." The latin flavor with outstanding blues guitar is refreshing to say the least. Javier Vargas IS blues in Spain, although he grew up in South America in both Argentina and Venezuela. Part flamenco, part bossa nova, a tiny bit hip-hop part jazz, and part blues. A tasty combination. In this case, the album cover kinda looks like Mrs. Dog's patio tablecloth don't it? This is what I'd like to think Carlos Santana's music would sound like if he was left to be an artist instead of a money making machine for record company executives.


6. Smokin' Joe Kubek & B'nois King- Have Blues Will Travel. I don't know why I like Smokin' Joe Kubek so much. I have about a dozen of his albums, and to a large degree the guitar riffs all start to run together into one style. Can't say as there is anything new on this one you haven't heard before if you are familiar with Smokin' Joe's style. But I like it anyway. He's a solid pro slinging that Texas blues at ya. If you like that stuff this is a good album. If not, pick up one of his earlier releases such as Chain Smokin' Texas Style instead. As for me I'm listening to this one... for now.

5. Jason Elmore & HooDoo Witch-Upside Your Head. I guess this band is kinda new. Well, they're new to me anyway. A friend highly recommended this album to me. I know this guy's taste pretty well and he knows what I like for the most part too. So I wasn't surprised when I heard it. I thought it was terrific. Even Mrs. Dog says she likes it and I don't trust her taste in music near as much. This is just good old American blues rock with the emphasis on blues. Slide guitar flying around everywhere on this record. These guys hail from Texahoma, which is to say North Texas/Southern Oklahoma. So you know what brand of blues they be playin'! Rory Gallagher meets Joe Bonamassa is how I've seen them described. Can't say I disagree or disapprove.

4. Sonny Criss-CrissCraft. I'm pretty sure I've included other Sonny Criss albums on WAYTL before so you may already be aware that Criss was a jazz saxophonist extraordinaire. I think this was one of the few of his recordings which had eluded me. I knew it was widely regarded as one of his best albums. But I just couldn't find it anywhere for the longest time. I do not believe it is currently in print in any medium. What I have is a high quality digital rip from vinyl source. Anyway, it's as good as advertised. Glad I've lived long enough to experience the "other" music that was being made in 1975 in addition to what I was into back then (Allman Bros, ELP, Ten Years After, Jeff Beck, and the new Southern bands, ZZ Top & Lynyrd Skynyrd).

3a & 3b. Paul Gilbert-Flying Dog & Burning Organ. Paul Gilbert is a shred-metal-jazz-fusion-rock guitarist of the first degree. He's another superbly talented guy who I am just discovering. I think the Burning Organ album is the better of the two but Flying Dog was my introduction to his music. Whatever. If all form of pyrotechnic guitar is your cup of tea. Have some Paul Gilbert. He'll blow your head off.

2. Rick Wakeman-Always With You. You all know Rick Wakeman as the original keyboardist in Yes. But this album is so far from Yes, so far from all the others I've listed before this that it's mind boggling. Always With You is a brand new release and it is just Wakeman at the piano. The songs are all classics and come from all sorts of sources including classical composers and even Lutheran hymnbooks. You will recognize many songs but you will actually know the titles of very few. My recommendation for this recording is to prepare a candlelight dinner for someone you love and play this music. It will soothe the soul. A terrific album.

And the #1 album at my house for almost a month now is:

Joe Satriani-Live In Paris:I Just Wanna Rock. Satch is in superb form on this double-live CD recorded last year. He showcases why he is fast becoming the acknowledged master of rock guitar... even by his prodigious colleagues, virtuosos in their own right. When guys like Paul Gilbert seek him out to take lessons from him, that says it all for me. My son wants to listen to this every time he comes to my house ever since I first played it for him a few weeks back. Guess I'll need to hook him up with a copy!! Do yourself a favor, get a copy for yourselves too. If you know and love Satriani you'll think this is great. If you just want to check him out, this is as good a place to start as any.

Update from last WAYLT. The top group/album last time was Caribbean Jazz Project-Afro Bop Alliance. I did not realize that much of that album was recorded with the CJP backed by a band from Washington DC called Afro Bop Alliance, hence the name of the album. In two weeks I am going to see Afro Bop Alliance play at the Gettysburg Jazz Festival. I'll let you know how it goes.

DOG: Buildin' Them Chops

I found some unique white eggplant to grill with a few pork chops and some peppers last night. No big deal really. Just wanted to let everybody know (and see) that the new Weber Genesis is really working out well. I love it.

I used a McCormick rub called Sweet & Smoky on the chops and they were absolutely wonderful. It was formerly known as Cinnamon Chipolte, but for whatever reason the marketing department must've thought they'd sell more of it as Sweet & Smoky. I assume this because it is neither sweet nor smoky. But it is a damn good rub for pork.

For the veggies, just paint them with some EVOO and salt & pepper to taste.

The chop on the left didn't get as much seasoning because Mrs. Dog reminds me that everyone doesn't have the taste for elaborate flavors like I do. I don't think that one looks very pretty either.

FAN: Still A Fan, The Early Years IX

This is Christmas 1982 so I was a fresh 14 years old. Ahhh, my Atari 2600, sigh. The hours I spent with this machine. The first game machine we had was one of the very early Pongs that came with a Magnavox TV. It was black and orange and had 2 paddles, both with wheels on them. There may have been a button as well, I can't remember. It said on the back of the picture that for Christmas I received the stand (not Atari but aftermarket), and ET the game, Megamaniac (by Activision) and a baseball game. Have I mentioned that carpet before? I have? Ok, I'll stop. Slightly embarrassing to admit, but I recently bought a French Blue T-Shirt with the Atari Logo on it from thinkgeek.com. I get rave reviews when I wear it.
Much like I stated in an earlier "The Early Years", I started developing my game at a young age..lol. Even though I was in my awkward years here at 14, I was swimming in the family pool with the hottie neighbor who was a year older than me - so 15 here at the time. Hanging out with neighborhood girls allowed me to gain comfort when talking to girls later instead of having paralysis by analysis. That and I liked it when we braided each other's hair and painted each other's toenails. Ok, that was totally a joke. I was - and still am - all about the honeys. I don't think I came out of my awkward lanky look for a few more years though. Maybe by TEY XI.
This was the first day of school in 1983 and I'm rockin' the Angus Young shirt. I got this from the kiosk in the mall with the 100's of transfers to sift through and then you picked your T-Shirt color and they slapped it on there. Almost comical that my hair there would kind of pass for a 14 year old today. Just let it grow long and don't really do anything with it.
This is around Halloween 1983. It's before Still A Dad redid our kitchen as I barely remember it like this. Well, we haven't owned the house since like 1992 so I barely remember it at all. First, notice the Phillies hat. It's 4 years after We Are Family and I was a Phillies fan already. People that live out here now don't believe me when I tell them that. That's "Harry", a dummy a friend and I made. It's a funny story really. I remembered being at my cousin's house once and he and his friends made a dummy that came down a staircase on a line when the door was opened. They were all engineer types too and it was pretty cool. My bedroom window looked out onto old train tracks which were elevated to about the same height as my bedroom window.

Our plan was to put Harry on a pulley and put a line from my room out to the railing alongside the tracks. When someone was walking down our alley, we would pull Harry on the line and he would scare the walkers! Well, we couldn't get the line tied tight enough to hold the weight and one time he actually broke the line during a test and fell in the pool cover.

We didn't want anyone to know we were working on this plan so we hid him in our basement. We put him in our "cold room" and sat him in an old highchair. My mom kept our Hi-C drink boxes in this cold room. On this particular morning she ran out of drink boxes in the fridge and needed some for packing lunches so down to the cold room she went.

I was sleeping when a loud scream woke me up. Mom went in the room, got the drink boxes, and when she turned around to leave the room a dummy the size of me was sitting in the chair looking at her. I never meant to scare anyone, I was just hiding it, but it was a great story to tell for a long time after it happened.

This was my 15th birthday and I got Metal Health by Quiot Riot, from my GRANDMOTHER! My Grandma on Still A Dad's side of the family was so cool. She would ask me to write down what I wanted and then on Senior Citizen's day at the mall she would go and buy it. Can you imagine a grandma in National Record Mart going up to the register with that LP cover? She bought my Atari console and most of my games for me there because she got a 10% discount or something. I would give her my money and she would buy my merchandise. Nice system.
This is me shortly after my birthday. I used my birthday money and some paper route money to buy my first PC, a TI-99/4a. Check out the tape drive! I didn't own a disk drive until I bought a Commodore-64. The same cousin who inspired me to make the dummy inspired me to buy a PC. He had a Trash80 and I loved going over to play games on it. The US invaded Grenada in 1983 and one of the first computer programs I ever wrote was a war game called "Camp Grenada". I made an intro screen and everything - complete with the song "Hello Mother, Hello Father" beeping one note at a time. The game was simple enough but when I go back and think that I wrote a simple video game at age 15 I only wish to God I could get my hands on it somehow.

It made use of sprites for those in the know. The tank (you) started in the first column of the screen in the middle. Moving the joystick in any direction would add 1 or subtract 1 from the row,column you were in. Pressing the Fire button created another sprite which was a missile at the tank location plus 1 column, same row. It then moved to column + 1 every half second or something. I had sprite trees and sprite enemy tanks which moved at random and if the missile sprite shared the same column, row as an enemy tank sprite a Batman "POW" type thing was displayed and the tank disappeared and you got points. Me making that game allowed me to think about what the code was doing on every video game I've played since. I can't even begin to imagine how complex it is programming a Wii remote with the Sports Resort add on compared to a stick and a button!

FAN: Oil Spill Plug

So I read a comment on a Justin Bieber post over at That's Church and it made me laugh so hard I've been telling a lot of people about it....the comment simply said "They should try plugging the oil leak with Justin Bieber".

My daughter fits this idiot's demographic but thankfully she hates him. Her entire little crew does so he's fair game to make fun of in my house. SHe thought it was hilarious too. To honor the comment a bit more, I'll list some things they could try plugging it with that wouldn't bother me.

Joran Van DerSloot

Joran Van DerSloot's mother (Hey, I blame her for ever marrying his tool of a dead Dad)

Keith Olbermann, the pompous snit

The cast of Twilight

The Baltimore Ravens minus Michael Ohler because my daughter loves him. I refused to watch the movie for the longest time because I can't like a Raven. I watched it. I still hate him. This includes all past Ravens, coaches, front office people, receptionists, janitors, equipment managers, turf team, refreshment stand workers, security guards, ticket takers....and all of their parents as well.

Creed

Charlie Sheen's wife for potentially ruining my Monday nights

Dave Matthews

and anybody in his band

Lady Ga Ga and Christina Aguilera

Huh? Oh, I meant I want to watch them wrestle in oil

Bill Weir, I just don't get him or his popularity

The Situation, I don't even know who the guy is and I can't identify him but if I have to read his name one more time.....

The old bat female judge on So You Think You Can Dance with the Botox Joker smile who can't stop laughing

Everybody all together now....."TOM BRADY"

hmmmmm, let's try 3 more

Dane Cook

Can I say Creed twice? No? Ok then Scott Stapp

Pete Wentz

Who do you want to plug it with?

FAN: Cold Weather Super Bowl

I still read Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback just because I like to stay kind of up-to-date with the NFL during the off season. It gives me a little information besides the crawlers and headlines I read.

One thing he's been super negative about is the cold weather Super Bowl in New York or New Jersey. His main point that he keeps harping on - and it's everybody's point that doesn't like the idea - is that OMG it might be -20 and snowing and people paid $4000 for tickets and what will they DOOOOO for 4 hours out in the cold....

Are you effing kidding me? Really? You have to be effing kidding me, right? The Super Bowl is two weeks after Championship Weekend. So for the Conference Title Games you could be in Chicago, Green Bay, Buffalo, Cleveland..... Puhlease! How could 2 weeks make any difference in the world? It's a crap shoot you moron. New York fans don't know weather like Buffalo and Cleveland fans.

You know what it really means? Real fans instead of corporate idiots who don't know Brett Favre from Brett Michaels will be at the game. Buffalo season ticket holders go to 8 home games and probably 5 or 6 of them are in very cold weather. If you're "tough" enough to want to blow four large on tickets, you better be tough enough to sit outside in whatever weather could present itself.

The second game I went to at Heinz Field was with Still A Colt for a MNF game against the Colts. I was tailgating with the Genco crew and we started around 3 PM and it was 36 degrees. At 12:30 AM when we were crossing the river on the Gateway Clipper it was 20 degrees. That's 9.5 hours outside with the bulk of it below freezing. Were we cold? Yes. Were we dying? No! We were dressed for it.......and the beers didn't hurt either. Those were good times.

FAN: And This Is Wrong, How?

So a twenty-something year old male sexts a 17 year-old female. Dad goes Medieval.

DOG: Smokin' A Fatty!!

Well, Van Der Sloot hasn't choked a bitch to death here lately, so it's time to "smoke a fatty!" Noooo, not like Snoop Dogg. Like Still A Dog! That's right. A 1 lb. Bob Evans hot & zesty sausage log wrapped in Gwaltney applewood bacon smoked low and slow at 225 for 3 hours.

It was cooking experimentation day here at the Dog House. So we got down to some serious smoking. In addition to the "Fatty" we also whipped up some more Moink Balls. Moinks are rapidly becoming the signature dish being served on our patio this season. When you dip them in some Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ sauce, they are fantastic!

So what goes with BBQ? Coleslaw. Before today I didn't know Jack-Shit about making coleslaw. But I have come a long way in a short time. So I scoured my cook books, and the internet in search of the perfect coleslaw recipe. And I am here to say, "Holy shit my brethren, there must be a coleslaw recipe for every human being who can digest it!" So here's what I settled on.

Mine is a variant of an Emeril Lagasse recipe (yes folks, he does have some dishes that do not require a degree in culinary arts -minor in chemistry- to actually make yourself) he calls Delta Slaw. I deleted some of his ingredients and added some of my own and I call mine Mississippi Delta Coleslaw. The best thing about it is, no mayonnaise. That means less fat and you can serve it on a hot summer day without the mayo spoiling and ruining the whole dish. Its an apple cider vinegar based slaw and I was quite happy with it for the first time out.

Still A Dog's "Mississippi Delta Coleslaw"

And Mrs. Dog's final verdict?

Moink Balls = Orgasmic. Dipped in the sauce they are out of this world.

Coleslaw = Outstanding. No onions (she's not a fan of onions) and no mayo make a winner.

Fatty = Too much. Too much meat, too much flavor (it was also rubbed with Tony Chachere's Creole seasoning), too much fat. Well, what do you expect from someone who doesn't like onions?? I thought it kicked ass.

So she said if I posted a picture of it to please include the colorful patio tablecloth she recently purchased. So here it is. Proving once again that fat and ugly are indeed two different things!

FAN: Burn In Hell With Your Dad VanDerSloot

You'll be dead in 10 years, guaranteed.

Plus, I hope you get ass raped while in prison.

I would like to apologize for those offensive statements to our loyal readers who might not be comfortable with offensive statements. I wouldn't be me without them. When Bubba is done with him, I hope he hits him in the back of his big head with a pipe.

FAN: Epic Math FAIL

Forgive me for the following stereotype non politically correct thingy I'm going to say, but I thought Asians in general were supposed to be good at math? I seriously once read if you are in a math class or a scientific class and it's graded on a curve and it is full of Asians - run and drop the course. I'm not making that up!

So what brings this on? After just writing about being made to feel like an idiot while in line - I turned the tables on somebody Sunday night. I went back to Home Depot for the 37th time since the bathroom remodel began to buy a piece of trim. No silly, not that kind of trim. You can't buy that legally in PA.....unless dinner counts as payment? Anyway, I knew I needed a piece exactly 90 inches long and I picked out a piece that you pay for by the linear foot.

The lines were long in the main part of the store so I thought I would go pick out an extra Sheppard's hook and check out in the garden section. Well, the young Asian man who checked me out must have been about 22 or so and he seemed disgusted that I brought building materials down to gardening to checkout. Now, would the main floor be mad if I bought some bush up there? No. So gardening shouldn't be mad if I buy some wood or trim down there. Damn. So he said "we don't have the visual vertical tape down here to measure it". I said no problem, mate, it's exactly 90 inches, I cut it myself to size. He stared at his register looking like a 16 year old at McDonald's looking for the picture of the Big Mac. He sighed. He looked at the person working the other register and said "how do I do feet?". The person said "What?" and he said "oh never mind I have my phone."

At this point I'm lost because I thought he didn't know how to key it into his system. He stopped, pressed some keys on his phone, frowned, then looked at me and said "so you don't know how many feet it is?" I said yes, it's 7 1/2 feet. "Thanks! I needed the feet number, you can't key in inches. I couldn't remember how to do it".

Ladies and gentlemen, he wasn't even embarrassed. It's not like he forgot how to spell embarrassed. It's not like he couldn't remember who the last 10 Popes were. It's not like he couldn't name every element in order. I have to assume the man knows there are 12 inches in a foot. So either he didn't know that A. division was the required operation or B. he just couldn't divide 90 by 12 in his head.

I said "If it doesn't take inches how do you put in the half foot?" I was assuming that you just pay for 8 even if you bought 7 1/2. If it were my store, 7 feet 1 inch would equal 8 feet. Or, maybe they actually divide the per foot price by 12 for each inch but I doubt it. He replied, "I just put in 7 feet."

God help us. My daughter is 10. She can convert mostly all English units of measurement. Time, weight, liquid ounces, distance...... Home Depot needs some Home Schooling. They measured all of their IQ's. They were pretty Lowe's. Booooooooooooo.