FAN: Death Star Conspiracy

Funny original parody.

Waddler Plot Broken Up

So, by this time everyone has heard about the group of third graders in Georgia that planned on assaulting their teacher. However, with all the other controversies going on in the world, this one was missed. It seems that a gang of waddling toddlers in a Detroit suburb also hatched a plot last week against their daycare "teacher" Miss Muffy. The weapons they were able to cache were astounding. Found in the leader's (Ry-Ry) cubby were : a small mallet not unlike the ones used to bash wooden pegs through a board, several baby aspirin, teeny tiny nail clippers, an olive sword (Miss Muffy drinks her "lunches") and one-third of a ball of yarn.....pink. Most of the group of five cannot yet speak well enough to defend their suspicious actions, but they have left as evidence a series of drawings that can only be described as "sheer terror". One depicts the muscle of the group, Jimmy Poo Poo, smearing what appears to be, well....Poo, into the face of the teacher who is being held down by Sally "Pancakes" Jenkins. One of the little girls, Lysol, is able to form simple sentences and gave the following statement before going into the preliminary hearing: "Gooble babba gibble NO. Gooble babba gibble NO. dabba....MINE! faffa badda NO! .......i need go potty".

Suk & Phuk

Last week when that plane crashed in Thailand, I couldn't stop giggling over the province's name - Phuket. How did someone with my sense of humor and penchant for giggling miss that one? I don't even care how you are supposed to pronounce it, I went to YouTube to watch people mangle it - and mangle it they did. I could just imagine them saying "Earlier today a plane crashed in Thailand near Foookay...I mean Foka...I mean Faaa...Oh F*ck it!". Yes, exactly! And the other day at work as I'm planning my week I see that one of the days is (I guess) a Jewish Holiday called "Sukkot". Again, I do my best Butthead impersonation "huh-huh...huh......huh-huh......Suck It". A quick trip to Wikipedia tells me that Sukkot is:

"Also transliterated as Succoth or Sukkos) and also known as the Feast of Booths, the Feast of Tabernacles, Tabernacles, the Season of Our Happiness, the Feast of Ingathering, or simply The Feast"

The Feast Of Booths? What the hell does that mean? I feasted in a booth last night at Texas Roadhouse. Does that count? Succoth? That's just as funny as Sukkot! You sir, Sucketh. Feast Of Ingathering? I thought they only do that in West Virginia? These Jewish Holidays are tough, man. Lots of rules. Lots of derivations. I'm almost afraid to turn my calendar at work next week for fear of what I'm going to find.

MAME

A new grass roots movement is out to rid shopping malls of escalators after countless incidents involving 'Crocs' type shoes and younger children. The group is going by "MAME" or more simply - Mothers Against Mall Escalators. Read about it here. Ok, I made up the MAME part, but I think it's damn funny.

Jesus Christ, No Really.....

Maybe you remember my Christmas rant last year against Hallmark? I got a lot of good reviews on it. It was about how terrible their marketing department must be. Well, now I've seen it all. We had to stop at the local mall yesterday to pick up a few things. My daughter likes to go into the card stores to see the Webkinz. So, as we're coming out of one.....I stopped dead in my tracks. I thought I saw baby Jesus made out of marshmallows! I closed my eyes and squeezed them shut real hard, hoping that when I opened them the sweet, puffy Christ would be gone. No such luck. Not only that, the Lord Our Savior and King of the Joo Joo Bees was flanked by Mary and Joseph - both made out of the sugary substance. So, here we go again..... they have mailmen, police officers, firemen, soccer players, baseball players..... And? And then some guy in a suit said "Wait...I Have It!!!....Let's make a baby Jesus out of a mini mallow!!!" Genius. Pure Genius. Did he ever wonder how those in the manger were keeping themselves warm? A small fire maybe? Has he ever gone camping? Does he want Baby Jesus to turn crispy brown after only a few moments in front of the fire? And what's keeping him warm? Is that a blanket or a wad of chewed gum? You know what, people? I like Christmas. No, I LOVE Christmas. Ask anyone who knows me. I love getting into the spirit of the Holidays and I love listening to Christmas music and going out looking at the decorated neighborhoods. We decorate the house with tasteful ornaments. Now I'm sorry if you already bought one of these, but I do not think we need little baby Jesus made out of mini-mallows laying on chocolate and a graham cracker! Am I wrong? If I'm wrong, I don't want to be right. It did however, strike me as a good time to compose a new Christmas Song....

"Away in a manger, chok-lit for a bed,
The little lord mallow lay down his sweet head,
The hay for his pillow went right through his eye,
It looked like a stir stick so Swiss Miss I tried"

I could go on and on.... Jesus made out of marshmallows? Who in the Mother Hubbard signed off on that idea? Well, at least it's a "tasteful" tasteless ornament.

A Waste Of Ink

I posted a rant before about Diet Coke and how unfair the press is when it comes to studies that prove nothing. All that needs to be present to make a startling headline is a link. What is a link? A link is not a cause and effect. What is a link? If I followed 100 fat-asses around for 10 years and wrote down everything they ate (for which I'd need a thick notebook) - when they are all dead and buried, if I read their logs and discovered that of the 60 who died of a heart attack, 50 of them ate carrots as a midnight snack - I could publish an article that claims "eating carrots may lead to heart attacks in obese men". Why do I care about this? I don't, but it cracks me up to read snippets in magazines that amount to nothing. Tonight I read in a sidebar blurb "Eating a bowl of whole grain cereal with skim milk after a workout may replenish nutrients as well as sports beverages." Hmmmm. I know after running a 10K I usually skip the Gatorade and go right for a bowl of Special K. The word "may" pretty much allows for anything. Monkeys "may" fly out of my ass when I get up from this chair later tonight. I "may"start to enjoy my job tomorrow. Drinking four Ketel One and tonics "may" make me invisible. Eating Taco Bell "may" precipitate an ugly bathroom experience...well, actually it will. The other day I had a bowl of cereal and right on the front it claimed that eating it for breakfast "may" lower my cholesterol. Well, which is it? Will it, or won't it? Actually, it's neither... It's not like eating Mini-Wheats will magically lower anything, it's what the Mini-Wheats are replacing that matters. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that if I generally eat a half pound of sausage, home fries and 20 oz. of whole milk for breakfast and I suddenly switch to 1/2 cup of Mini-Wheats with skim milk that it will be better for my body. And that's another thing.....who in the bleepity bleep can eat 1/2 cup of cereal? That's literally seven mini-wheats. Oh yeah, I checked, seven. The box says something like 18 servings. 18 servings? Maybe Karen Carpenter could get 18 servings out of a box of cereal but I'll be good and goddamned if I can get more than three. Wow. I had to Google Karen to see if I spelled her name right.....did you see that last picture on the link I posted? Did you watch Scooby-Doo as a kid? Bitch looks just like that cackling green skeleton-faced monster that ran around the airport.

Yeah, that's him!

Now, what point was I trying to make?

Global Cooling - Act Locally!

How does the old saying go? April showers bring snow plowers? I don't know about you, but I'm getting sick to death of hearing about Global Cooling on TV all the time. "Global Cooling" this and "Global Cooling" that. It's crazy. Every semi-political show I watch or every topical piece I read - I have to have Global Cooling shoved down my throat. And I just love the facts that these idiots use to make their case! In this week's Sport's Illustrated, there is a blurb in the popular "Go Figure" column where it states that in 2006, exactly 10 MLB games were started with a game time temperature of below 45 degrees. So far in 2007, there have been 34 such games, with more to come. That doesn't prove a damn thing. These Global Cooling nuts don't realize that 1000 years ago there was a year that was colder than this year. I don't know about you, but I am not going take suggestions from celebrities to go out and buy a Hummer or a Suburban in an effort to help heat up the planet. I like cold weather! I grew up in the mountains south of Pittsburgh. I want it to keep getting colder! Next year they may move the start of baseball season to May in order to duck the chilly night games. And what about the lunatic fringe that thinks it's actually getting WARMER every year? Nothing like having your head buried in the sand, huh? I just had a young college student the other day knock on our door because they saw we recycled and asked us to please just throw everything away. The belief is that by not recycling, we can help heat the planet up a fraction of 1 percent. Come on, who are you trying to kid? Me throwing away my Diet Coke cans isn't going to change anything! I don't care if the planet freezes over. It's my grandchildren's children's problem, not mine, although I'm a little upset that now it looks like I'll have to take a Parka with me to North Carolina in June...but whatever - I don't leave the house anyway. We have a heated pool in the back yard, but I'm not going to turn the heat on just to piss off the people who WANT me to use more energy. Screw them.

Working Women Baggage

Can someone...anyone....explain to me why women have to bring so much stuff to work? I've been a white-collar worker now for 15 years and I've never, ever...EVER...carried more than a briefcase to the office. My office window overlooks our parking lot which we share with another business. I watch with amazement each day at the volume of crap these size 2 through 10 women are able to carry. Not only that, it was eleven degrees this morning and everyone was dressed bulky. On the rare occasion I have something for lunch that doesn't fit in the briefcase, sure, I'll take a small lunch cooler with me. However, when I took the train into the city for 5 years straight - I ate out every day JUST SO I wouldn't have to look like a pack mule on the rails. There was nothing worse than a business woman coming down the aisle, bumping every aisle rider in the head with her considerable amount of bags as she marched to her seat. I get out of my car this morning with my briefcase and off I go. I really don't even need it, but it's a good way to carry headphones, gum, bananas, power bars, chap-stick, pens and cds. Another guy gets out carrying a cup of coffee and a sling bag. Good job! The first woman of the day pulls up and gets out after reaching across her seat to get her bag off of the passenger seat. She proceeds to the back door and gets what appears to be a laptop out. That goes over the other shoulder. We go from there to the trunk to get another hand held bag with a strap and a briefcase type bag. Four bags. Another guy comes...1 bag. Another girl comes...3 bags. It continues like this for an hour. Every female without fail has at minimum 3 bags. Most have 4. Some have MORE than 4 including purse. Not one guy has more than two. That throws out the purse theory. What kind of mystery is this? What are we guys missing? I want to know what's in there - but I also don't want to know. I know it's going to be something like "well smart ass, I carry War & Peace in case the turnpike closes down while I'm on it so I have something to read. I take the laptop home so I can work a little in my spare time (you're not fooling anybody - you don't even turn it on). I have 3 snacks all in separate containers for morning, early afternoon and late afternoon. I have 2 cans of Diet Coke because it's cheaper than the machines. I have extra plastic ware in case our kitchen is out. I have 2 cell phones, an iPod and all their chargers. I have a cake mix, 2 eggs and a 1/4 cup of milk in case the office needs cheering up. I have a yoga mat and my blowup exercise ball for my break. Are you happy NOW smart ass? Oh, you want to know what's in the other 2 as well?". No, I don't. I want to know if business women have a higher rate of back pain than the rest of the population.

Monty Python Meets Star Wars

This is probably old, but I just saw it for the first time today. If you're a fan of both Holy Grail and Star Wars, you should find this entertaining. I remember seeing Holy Grail as far back as in high school and as recently as the week before Christmas while on the treadmill during a rainy morning. Who hasn't been hurt only to exclaim "It's only a flesh wound" in a bad English accent?

Back With Little Or No Demand

I haven't done a celebrity "cock replace" in a while. Madonna is all over the news these days, so let's pick on her and husband Guy Ritchie. I could easily do all of Madonna's movies since there aren't that many, but there aren't even that many notable ones in the short list.

Cock Quest
Desperately Seeking Cock - My Favorite
Who's That Cock?
A Cock Of Their Own
Cock Of Evidence
Dick Cock

And I had to throw in this Guy Ritchie gem:

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Cocks - HA!

Wow. Mixes Made In Heaven

So, to me, putting Pulp Fiction together with Star Wars is pretty cool since I am a huge fan of both movies. They could have made it more personable for me if everyone was wearing Steeler helmets, eating ice cream and had 80's metal playing in the background..but these are still pretty cool. You won't think this is funny unless you saw Pulp, but if you did, it's pretty damn creative. The second clip must have many hours involved as some of it matches up perfectly. I bet if QT saw this he was laughing his ass off.

It Hurts When I Laugh, Charlie Brown

Funny!