You know what? I hate squirrels. Are they cute? Yes. Do we feed them peanuts off of the back patio? Yes. Are they a nuisance? YES! I've taken a liking to bird feeders and bird houses the older I get. We have a garden area that I have a ton of feeders and houses in, and I can't keep the damn squirrels out of anything that is labeled "Squirrel Proof". I paid a lot of money for a 4 pronged wrought iron shepherd's hook at Home Depot and then I mail ordered a Squirrel Baffle which is a wide long tube with a dead end that you slip onto a pole. Thing is, most heavy shepherd's hooks have a forked bottom which will not allow you to slip the baffle on. I had to buy an inferior pole to use the thing on and the hanging arm doesn't reach out far enough to keep the feeder away from the baffle. Sigh. For the 4-pronged jobbie I bought one of those big plastic saucers but it was made for hanging from a hook before a feeder, not for stopping the climbing of the pole. So, I drilled a hole through the pole, threaded it with an insulation hanger, bent the hanger and put the disk above the hanger. Great, except that the damn squirrels jump from my very short rock wall to the top of the saucer and then quickly (because it's like a see-saw) grab the pole and continue on their way to my expensive food. I'll fix them. I bought a tubed feeder that has a cage around it to keep the squirrels away from the food. I watch helplessly from the windows as they jump from the ground to the bird bath to the cage and then hang on the cage for up to 30 minutes eating away upside down. Sigh. I have 6 squirrel feeders in retrospect. While Christmas shopping at Target last weekend, I picked up another "squirrel proof" feeder. This one is really cool as you can see in the picture. It's a globed cage to allow smaller birds in to feed while keeping those pesky tree rats out. On this one the cage is far enough away from the food that they won't hang on it and just reach in. HA! I thought I would hang this one by our big window to allow the two cats to watch the birds feed. I needed a new feeder to replace the plastic Finch feeder that was there. Why was? Because I found it behind some bushes with all of the eating holes chewed off. Seems that squirrels need a bigger opening to feed than the slit that the Finches need. Damn squirrels. Ha! This will show them. They will bow to the beauty and clever design of this elegant feeder purchased from the local aisles of the one they call "Target". Wrong. I got a call today while I was out from my laughing wife. She told me I had trapped a squirrel and it couldn't get out. What did I want to name it? Well, then he's stupid I said, because what goes in must come out....it's simple physics. She grabbed the camera and got the proof before the cute little demon figured his way out. I'm going to send this picture to the manufacturer and tell him about a few upgrades he needs. I've heard greased poles don't work. I've heard .357's do....but I'm not a killer. I see this as a challenge and if you don't know me, I'm tenacious. You see, I'm currently reading nut labels to see which nuts have the most fat. That's right - I'm going to fatten that bastard up until he won't fit inside anymore. PS - the cats like the squirrels more than the birds. I think they envy their freedom. I'm afraid to travel for Christmas for fear of coming home and finding six squirrels sitting at my bar, playing my drums, drinking my vodka, smoking cigars and having their way with my tied-up cats.....who are just stupid enough to be talked into opening the door "just for a second" for one of the tailed devils begging to use the bathroom or something.
Showing posts with label squirrels. Show all posts
Showing posts with label squirrels. Show all posts
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Squirrel Proof My Ass
You know what? I hate squirrels. Are they cute? Yes. Do we feed them peanuts off of the back patio? Yes. Are they a nuisance? YES! I've taken a liking to bird feeders and bird houses the older I get. We have a garden area that I have a ton of feeders and houses in, and I can't keep the damn squirrels out of anything that is labeled "Squirrel Proof". I paid a lot of money for a 4 pronged wrought iron shepherd's hook at Home Depot and then I mail ordered a Squirrel Baffle which is a wide long tube with a dead end that you slip onto a pole. Thing is, most heavy shepherd's hooks have a forked bottom which will not allow you to slip the baffle on. I had to buy an inferior pole to use the thing on and the hanging arm doesn't reach out far enough to keep the feeder away from the baffle. Sigh. For the 4-pronged jobbie I bought one of those big plastic saucers but it was made for hanging from a hook before a feeder, not for stopping the climbing of the pole. So, I drilled a hole through the pole, threaded it with an insulation hanger, bent the hanger and put the disk above the hanger. Great, except that the damn squirrels jump from my very short rock wall to the top of the saucer and then quickly (because it's like a see-saw) grab the pole and continue on their way to my expensive food. I'll fix them. I bought a tubed feeder that has a cage around it to keep the squirrels away from the food. I watch helplessly from the windows as they jump from the ground to the bird bath to the cage and then hang on the cage for up to 30 minutes eating away upside down. Sigh. I have 6 squirrel feeders in retrospect. While Christmas shopping at Target last weekend, I picked up another "squirrel proof" feeder. This one is really cool as you can see in the picture. It's a globed cage to allow smaller birds in to feed while keeping those pesky tree rats out. On this one the cage is far enough away from the food that they won't hang on it and just reach in. HA! I thought I would hang this one by our big window to allow the two cats to watch the birds feed. I needed a new feeder to replace the plastic Finch feeder that was there. Why was? Because I found it behind some bushes with all of the eating holes chewed off. Seems that squirrels need a bigger opening to feed than the slit that the Finches need. Damn squirrels. Ha! This will show them. They will bow to the beauty and clever design of this elegant feeder purchased from the local aisles of the one they call "Target". Wrong. I got a call today while I was out from my laughing wife. She told me I had trapped a squirrel and it couldn't get out. What did I want to name it? Well, then he's stupid I said, because what goes in must come out....it's simple physics. She grabbed the camera and got the proof before the cute little demon figured his way out. I'm going to send this picture to the manufacturer and tell him about a few upgrades he needs. I've heard greased poles don't work. I've heard .357's do....but I'm not a killer. I see this as a challenge and if you don't know me, I'm tenacious. You see, I'm currently reading nut labels to see which nuts have the most fat. That's right - I'm going to fatten that bastard up until he won't fit inside anymore. PS - the cats like the squirrels more than the birds. I think they envy their freedom. I'm afraid to travel for Christmas for fear of coming home and finding six squirrels sitting at my bar, playing my drums, drinking my vodka, smoking cigars and having their way with my tied-up cats.....who are just stupid enough to be talked into opening the door "just for a second" for one of the tailed devils begging to use the bathroom or something.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Squirrel Lobby Too Powerful
I am a self-confessed connoisseur of kids movies. Why? I like to say that I'm a big kid at heart. My wife, however, would say that I've yet to mature. The truth lies somewhere in the middle. I've seen most animated movies aimed at kids since....well, since I was born. Call me an alarmist, but in the past 5 years or so, I've noticed that squirrels are getting more and more screen time and better characters. While Disney has yet to jump on the bandwagon and feature a squirrel in a prominent role - they may have fueled the recent trend by putting Bucky in The Emperor's new Groove. He helps Kronk find Kuzco and appears more in the sequel Kronk's New Groove. There is nothing better than hearing John Walburton as Kronk talk to Bucky with his deadpan "squeak.....squeak......squeakity". I do it all the time. Anyway, I digress....what was a squirrel doing there amongst the panthers anyway? I'll tell you what - a squirrel lobby lead by onetime squirrel strong man "Rocky" is taking over Hollywood. Tired of the endless dog, lion and fish movies - Rocky started a foundation to feature previously discriminated against animals in more attractive roles. With the help of Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton Rocky formed the Mammal Coalition and to advance squirrels specifically he started the NAAST (National Association for the Advancement of Squirrel Types). The Mammal Coalition was hugely responsible for developing Ice Age with a Mammoth and Sabre Tooth Tiger in the leads. The also brought Crush the turtle and The Goat to stardom in Nemo and Hoodwinked respectively. The NAAST, with their powerful slogan "A Nut is a Terrible Thing to Waste", scored major victories by placing Skrat in Ice Age and Ice Age II (he has declined offers for Ice Age III for fear of being type cast in future endeavors), Bucky in the Groove series, Hammy in Over the Hedge, Twitchy in Hoodwinked and most recently McSquizzy in Open Season. There were even fights in Hollywood over the resemblance of Hammy and Twitchy and how they both freak on caffeine in their individual films. Disney is said to be secretly working on a new picture featuring squirrels that will not borrow from any other film ever made. The Slant hacked into their system and got a copy of the new script. Here is the short version: A mother and father squirrel have 4 baby squirrels. Shortly after birth they want to visit their parents - the new grandparents. Along the way a wolf jumps out of nowhere and in a bloody scuffle devours the mother, father and two of the children. Luckily, the two youngest , Sammy and Itchy escape and have to fend for themselves. Along the way they get stuck in an ice making machine and get turned into squirrelcicles, dodge various hunters, escape a prolific exterminator and befriend a large intellectually challenged moose. Did I mention there is a dream sequence where they go back to Ancient Egypt? It's like no other movie you've ever seen..containing a squirrel....released since February of 2007. Could somebody please have one original idea for movie? Please? We're begging you! We did a little research to find the first movie squirrel and we have it posted here. The only thing missing is the clickity sound of the projector, the smell of hot dust and the voice of Troy McClure.
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