FAN: Dear Job Seekers

There's a lot of commotion these days about the state of the economy. Jobs are hard to find and hard to keep. My department is expanding and I'm 50% of the interview process to land one of our jobs. I'm going to give some good practical advice for anyone who is seeking a job and has an interview coming up. I don't care if it's for software engineering or ditch digging. My advice will benefit the masses so allow me to spell it out so you can spread the word. You can read all the books and business websites you want. Go read Monster and Careerbuilder. You won't get these tips there. These are "real". I'm going to start with the three fatal flaws that sunk three out of four candidates for me last week. After that, you'll get a few bonus tips.

1. DO NOT ASK ME ABOUT OVERTIME. Apparently this is the worst job market in a long time. You just told me you were part of a layoff several months ago. Before I even asked if you had any questions for me, you have the balls to ask me about overtime? What's expected hourly? Do you work Saturdays and Sundays? Sigh. Out! Get out! Right now! Ok, I let the interview continue but I was disinterested after this exchange. You're out of work and you're asking about OT! This is software! I can have my day planned out in the car on the way in and by 7:30 AM I have to do a 180 and completely change what I was doing. Don't ask me how many hours I work! We have a minimum and I'm at least an hour over minimum every day. I don't expect that of you. I expect you to get done what I've asked you to. If it takes the minimum, fine. If it takes a little more, fine. If it takes a lot more, we have another problem all together. Do NOT ASK ABOUT OT if interviewing for a
salaried position. Geez!

2. BE EXCITED about the job! I interviewed a recent college graduate who had a job for 3 months and then her entire dept got wiped out. She was a math / comp sci person just like me. You can work in a lot of different positions within IT with that major. She was young and trainable, very bright. Was published for some writing she did on robotics. "So snowflake, tell me why you want to work in software quality assurance."  "Well, where I was at for 3 months I did a lot of BA work, but I also checked the results of some automated QTP scripts and I thought it wasn't bad and I could do it." Sigh. Not a good answer......at ALL. Even if you aren't made for QA by nature, try to act like you are! Convince me you get a hard-on when you break a Rockstar programmer's code. Convince me things have to be right before you can let them go. Don't tell me "it's not bad" cause you'll still be looking for a job. If I hired her, of course she could do the work, but after
I train her for a year she's going to leave when she gets an offer in robotics. Show me some passion for the position.

3. PLEASE DON'T FILABUSTER. We interviewed a very nice foreign guy back in March We liked him and kept him on file but he didn't get the spot. We brought him back for this spot. He still wasn't employed. He's a little older than us. My notes from the last interview said if he doesn't know something he just keeps talking. Well it has now taken over his entire interview process. He wouldn't shut up. Zero silence. He would ramble total nonsense. At some points just saying one word at a time "expectations......performance..........loyal.............3rd Grade........Miss Bonnie". It was so painful. I felt bad for him and I would just ask another question. "So if this, this and this happened, what would be your next move?".  "I am hard worker. I do anything you ask. For example.......if you need lunch, I make you lunch........car wash..........i take and do.....". Obviously I'm exagerating, but not by much. His answers made no sense this time.

That's what sunk three of the four and it seems too easy to me to not know you're doing these things. Isn't it? What's wrong with people? Here are some other minor annoyances. If they bother me, they probably bother others in a position to hire you.

4. Make some small talk with me walking to the interview room. It shouldn't feel like the Bataan death march. After 5 seconds of silence if I say "Did you find us OK?" don't say YES or NO. ELABORATE. This job requires quite a deal of communication between teams and being accepted by everyone is not easy. You have to move well between sharks, grandmas and kids that still need a babysitter. Show me you have some personality right away.

5. Here's how to NOT EVEN GET an interview.......keep your resume at 7 pages. Go ahead. I DARE you. "I have to keep it at 6 pages, I can't take one thing off". BULLSHIT. Edit. Summarize. I don't give a fig that you were a cloud in the school play. Don't make me read paragraphs either. This is IT. Bullets! Use bullets! Summarize. If it takes you 1,000 words to say the 50 important ones to me.....out! Next!

6. ASK ME QUESTIONS. This is huge! "Do you have any questions for me?"  "No, I think we covered everything." Really? In 30 minutes? There's not ONE thing you'd like to ask? "Pepsi or Coke in the vending machine?" would show me you care about something.

7. I'm still a little shocked that I get so few "Thank You" emails. Not important to me, I'm just saying it's appreciated and even better if you mention something that we talked about.

8. Don't be afraid to be honest. If I ask you if there are two positions available and one is back-end and one is front-end, which would you rather have? Unless you truly don't have an opinion, don't be wishey-washy, Charlie Brown! Own that shit. Be confident. "I'd rather do A. because I'm much better at it. However, if only the B position is availble, I'm more than capable of doing that as well."  To me that's better than "It really doesn't matter. I like both equally the same." No you don't, liar!

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