FAN: Playing The System

Didn't we just talk about stuff like this? Dude, if I was even slightly tan, I would go buy an Arabic T-Shirt and buy a $200 ticket to Florida. What's $200 when you can score like this?

FAN: Opportunistic Lawyer

How can you read this article and not wonder if this was a complete setup. Obviously these are bright people involved. Who better than a Muslim lawyer to board a plane with an entire group of Muslims and proceed to openly talk about the subject matter while the passengers are boarding the plane? They get kicked off, interviewed, cleared......and now he is already talking about a civil suit. They will pay him to settle and he'll make millions and write a book. God Bless America.

Sardines, Anyone?

I would kill somebody. Seriously. Dead. I don't like people even bumping into me. How in the hell do they get off the train if they are in the middle? Is this a joke? I thought everything on this here Internet was true?

Foul Air Rules

Hmmmm, that title can definitely be read two ways.

Somewhere my old roommate would be rolling if he read this as he is a connoisseur of dick and fart jokes. He would giggle about this story for weeks.

Back On The Road

Wow. I forgot what I missed so much above business travel. Leaving the house at 5:30 AM to make an 8:45 flight rocks! Packing your Chapstick in your suitcase. Waiting in line with my luggage, there was a couple of another nationality that will remain nameless right in front of me. Both smelled like they just ate multiple cloves of garlic for breakfast. In all seriousness, I didn't want to be within 10 yards of this couple, let alone 10 inches. Jesus. I pity the people that had to sit in front of them on the plane. The thing that still freaks me out about airports is how much people talk on cell phones while waiting for the plane. Did we as Americans lose the ability to sit quietly for 30-60 minutes? The woman beside me made at minimum 10 calls and typed furiously on her Blackberry. It's 7:30 AM!! Sit down, drink your coffee and watch CNN or read the paper. Damn! The flight was uneventful and I got my rental car fast. I'm sporting around in a Kia Optimus or something. I wanted the Mini Cooper but then I would have had to pay more. Interesting that the smaller car is more than an intermediate. Anyway, I got to my hotel thanks to my Razr phone's GPS and got settled in. What a place! The Peachtree Plaza Westin. Sweet. I'm on the 52nd floor looking down on the city right now. What a view. Nicest room I've ever had. It's a round floor and each room is a slice of pie with the outside wall being all window. The room even has a nice robe. Comfy! I might keep it. The vendor fair sucked as usual, but they had great food. I ate Cocconut Shrimp all night. I even pilfered some drinks from the bar so I didn't have to drink them from my mini-bar in the room. A can of soda is $2.50! There's a little bag of almonds in there that could be mine for $7.75. No shit. The airplane size alcohol is $7.00 per bottle. It's madness. Madness I tell you. I mean I want to stay in the nicest place possible.....but I wish the nicest places also had vending machines so you don't have to spend $3.00 for a Snickers bar (yup, right off the pricing sheet in the mini-bar. What's cool is looking out towards the airport. You can see the lights from the jets as they come in and out. After the fair ended I got to spend some time with an engineer for another Fiserv product called FIDO. It's an alert system that runs within the core processor for the CUs that is rules based and shoots out emails when something isn't right. It recently foiled a plot by a guy who was depositing large sums via fake checks at multiple branch locations and then started taking it out the next day. FIDO correctly picked the next location he would withdraw from and the police were there waiting for him. Cool stuff. Why isn't our software more sexy?

Cut It The #$%& Out!

Listen you stupid Muslim terrorists, and you ARE terrorists...not "freedom fighters". What is your obsession with jets and airliners? Why can't you quietly infiltrate America's borders and start blowing up Wal-Marts and country music radio stations? Then you might get some people on your side. I have to fly to Atlanta in a few weeks and now I have to check my damn luggage or buy my "personal items" while I'm there. Jesus, I can't take water on the plane or a Diet Coke, gel shoe inserts, shampoo, toothpaste and God knows what else. Pretty soon we're going to check everything and just ride the plane in the buff - which might be pretty cool except I always end up next to a Rosie O'Donnel type instead of a Jessica Alba type. This is a SNAFU anyway you look at it. They are saying vital medication and baby formulas are OK. Oh, OK, well - what's stopping Al-Assid-Fu-Q from mixing up a batch of Carnation's Big Gaping Hole in the seat right in front of me? Really?! I mean I just read this morning where our x-ray machines cannot detect shoe explsoives - yet I STILL have to take my shoes off as a precaution. Against what? To make sure I don't bring down the plane with my bunion? Stop, or I'll rub my athlete's foot all over the captain! Get serious. It said that an explosive the size of a shoe insert no thicker than 1/4 inch COULD NOT be detected and it's enough to bring down a plane. Why are we reporting this in the media? I did NOT need to know this. However, Affer-Um-Ug-Li was very happy to read that last night. The entire airline industry is totally F'd up right now. We're going to end up being like Israel and questioning each person for an hour after probing their ass to ask them why they want to go to Disney World. Listen, I have a serious 2 part solution to this problem. Dead serious - I'm not kidding. Why won't it be implemented? Because it makes too much sense, that's why.

Number 1: Raise the price of friggin tickets and HIRE and TRAIN competent people to do the searches and x-rays. I've flown 20+ times since 9/11 and only 1 guy impressed me as giving a shit. Really, most people checking IDs in the line are fine if you just wave it at them. Not one person ever looked at my ID and then really looked at me to make sure it was me. NOT ONE! Listen, if you want to fly to Las Vegas or Orlando or Italy...you are not going to care one bit if they raise the price $100 per ticket. If you are going, you are GOING. Nobody stopped driving when gas went from $1.50 to $3.25 - so why would people stop flying if Orlando cost $325 instead of $150? People fly for convenience (that's a joke in itsef), you have to pay for convenience. Nobody is going to take this seriously until it happens again. We still don't check every checked bag from what I understand. We need to pay these people like they are high profile professionals. We need to test them and if they fail - they are fired - easy as that. No union bullshit. You miss something on a realtime test, you are fired....you wanna see people take their job seriously? Do that. Raise prices and PAY THEM!

Number 2: We need to devise a system that will make 95% of Americans "Safe Flyers". What does that mean - only a small percentage of Safe Flyers would ever be searched at random. They can check stuff but they wouldn't get pulled out of line for extensive hand searches and stuff. How would we do this? I don't know...get a good economist like Steven Levitt, the author of "Freakonomics" to devise a system where if you are 3rd generation born here and have been steadily employed for 5 years and own property - or something else like you have flown 25 times in the past for the same business...you can file a form where you will be checked out ONCE by a committee of agencies....it might even take a year to clear...but once you clear...you're in the clear! Abu-Basi-Gote-Effer moves here after his student Visa expires...you check his ass out EVERY single time he flies..top to bottom...tear the bags apart...you have time since you saved time by not searching everyone who has the Safe Flyer card.

Is that profiling? You bet your sweet ass it is. If a lion rips somebody to shreds in a zoo, you don't start punishing the otters. I fear we won't take this problem seriously until something happens involving planes again. I hope I'm wrong.

Yet Another Reason to Hate Flying

I'm supposed to go deep into West Virginia in June for a business trip. I hate connections and view them as a waste of time. From Philadelphia there is a direct flight for $1000. Can you explain that? You can fly to Florida for $139. So I see my trip is 467 miles and driving at or near 80 mph will get me there in 6 hours. 7 is more likely. From Philly airport I can make 1 connection to get there but it will then take 4-5 hours and still cost over $400. I check around for flights out of Allentown, Trenton, Wilmington, Baltimore and Harrisburg. Nothing is available that will be worth the drive first. If I'm going to drive up to 90 minutes to an airport - I need a direct flight from there or it's easier to just drive. Here's the kicker: There is a flight leaving from Harrisburg that connects in Philly for $365. I write down the flight number for the second leg and go back to check the direct flight from Philly - it's the SAME! From Philly it's a 1 hour and 10 minute flight. From Harrisburg it's about a 3.5 hour flight and $635 cheaper! So I'm thinking I'll buy the ticket for Harrisburg and then skip the first leg.....can't do it. The travel agent says if you are a no-show for leg 1, they cancel the entire itinerary. Looks like I'll be driving to WV. I know this cool place in Westminster, MD where I hear you can get a good meal and a few beers around 8 or 9 pm at night if you are a weary traveler.

A Potentially Good Roundtrip Flight?

Well, I'm in Orlando this week for a User's meeting. I'm technical support for the salesman who is pushing my company's product to his core product's users. I was in a booth for a vendor's fair and I'm giving 3 demos. 2 were today. Kind of scary since I'm not used to talking to large groups of people - but I just went to the bar and a knocked back a few Ketel One and tonics first and everything went fine. Anyway I flew US Airways down and for the first time since I started traveling for business - nothing pissed me off about the flight. Decent sized seats, plenty of leg room, friendly help, no trouble in any lines, room in the overheads..... I have to say I couldn't find anything to complain about (which is weird for me). That leads me to one of two conclusions: 1. Everything will be fine again tomorrow and I'll continue to fly US Airways - or 2. the landing gear will fall off the plane somewhere over South Carolina and we'll be forced to belly land near Atlantic City off the coast. Things went so well Monday that I have a feeling the flying gods will be against me tomorrow. Here's looking forward to delays, reclined seats in front of me, a fat smelly woman on my right who wants to show me pictures of her trip, my car being towed when I get back to Philly airport, traffic jams trying to get home and realizing I don't have all my luggage when I finally arrive home at 10:32 PM from a flight that landed at 5:03 PM.

Even More On Why I Hate Flying

So I had another business trip last week, this time to LaFayette, Louisiana. It's about 80 miles west of New Orleans and escaped most of the Katrina damage. I'll try to make this short - but man, so many things went wrong on this trip I can't even begin to describe my level of frustration. So, in chronoligical order - here we go. For a 2:00 PM flight I needed to leave my house at 11:15 to make sure I'm there in time to wait in all the lines. When I got there, I drove to the economy lot - but it was closed because it was full. Instead of driving around to find a lot that provided a shuttle to the airport, I parked in the airport parking lot at a rate of $17 per day. They count "real" days meaning a Mon-Thur trip is 4 days. The economy lot only charges "nights" so that would be 3 days at $12 per day. I had a 3+ hour flight to Houston and then I had to catch a regional jet to LaFayette. To make it to that gate - you have to leave the main terminal and shuttle to the regional terminal. I made it just in time to have a quick snack before boarding. The sec0nd flight was only 38 minutes so it was fine. The small airport didn't have any cars with a gps unit, but I managed to find my way around. Coming back was a completely different story. Just like my trip there - I got to the airport 2 hours before my 5:00 flight. The line to check in had about 50 people in it. I couldn't believe it. The guy in front of me said Houston was full of fog and the airport was 4 hours behind. The 3:45 flight from LaFayette to Houston was cancelled. I waited in the line and found out the 5:00 flight was NOT cancelled. It was running late since it was coming from Houston, but the guy tried to board us in a hurry. It was supposed to get to Houston at 6:05. The new ETA was 6:28 and my flight was to leave Houston at 6:55. Remember, the regional terminal in Houston is a different building from the main terminal. My problems really started when we arrived at Houston. We were informed the 6:55 flight was on-time and currently boarding. I was hoping it would be delayed. I beeped the not-hot-at-all flight attendant and asked if the other flight knew we were on the ground. She said they should be tracking us and that I could ask the person at our departure desk to call over and let them know I was in route. Of course, my bag wasn't on the first cart over to the air walk. It was a regional flight so we still had to put large carry-ons under the plane. I pleaded with the girl in the air walk to radio the guys unloading the plane to bring my bag over. These guys were laughing, talking and not showing any sense of urgency. This is a small issue of mine - when a flight is really late and connections are at stake - they should be prepped to empty the plane ASAP. Obviously they were not. I got my bag and took off stopping to ask the girl at the desk to call over to the next gate to tell them to hold the plane - I was on my way. It was about 6:45. I flagged down a golf cart and hopped on and asked him to get me to the tram to the next building ASAP. He got me there in about 2-3 minutes. I had to wait a minute for the tram. The tram ride took a minute and then I had to flat out run to my gate. Even though I run in my spare time - I was breathing hard by the time I showed up. It was about 6:53 or 6:54. I was told I was too late. Had the plane been backing out, I could understand - but the damn plane was sitting there connected to the air walk and many hoses. I don't need to spell out everything I said to her, but I was loud and I slammed my hand down once in protest. At this point I felt like she may have been searching for the "Asshole" button under the counter so I turned around and walked away defeated. Oh, did I mention it was the last flight to Philly that night? That makes it even funnier. I went to the courtesy desk (oxymoron?) and again was faced with a long line due to the delays they were experiencing. I got a 50% room voucher and a ticket out the next morning at 8:55. After refusing to wait in another line for hotel shuttle calls, I took a taxi to the closest Hilton. The next morning, I showed up early in hopes of getting on an earlier flight. The shuttle dropped me at terminal C which is the gate Continental flies out of. Since I already had my boarding pass, I didn't have to check-in but I didn't have a gate assigned since they don't do that until the morning. When I walked up to the girl to ask her if I was in the right security line, she told me my flight was at terminal E, two buildings away. There are very few Continental flights that go out of E, but this was one of them. It was about a 15 minute walk. Since it was a replacement boarding pass, I automatically got selected for the full search coming through the security gate. Ho Hum. He felt around my groin more than my doctor ever did. I hope when they opened my suitcase they choked on the smell of sweat soaked running clothes. I did make it on the 7:30 flight, but of course it was already loaded and there was little room for my carry on.....and, of course, the dude in front of me had to recline his set the entire way. I could go on and on and on about the things that bug me about air travel, but it would be pointless. If it can happen, it will happen to me. From the cramped seating, to the long waits, I am almost inclined to see if I can pay the difference to fly first class on my next business trip! Or, see if I can get the client to pay for it!

More on Why I Hate Flying......

Big ups to "Iowa Chick" and "UCLA Guy" for the good conversation at the St. Louis Chili's in the airport. My flight was to leave St. Louis at 4:05 and board at 3:40. My meetings broke up early due to an impending snow storm in Chicago where one of the attendees was heading. I got to the airport at 1:00 Central thinking I would catch an earlier flight home. No deal. In a twist of cruel irony...I could get home 25 minutes faster if I connected in, you guessed it, snowy Chicago. I went to the bar at Chili's to relax and have some lunch...and 5 glasses of ice water to rehydrate myself from Wednesday night (a future entry). I went to my gate at 3:35 and was told my flight was delayed 1:15 because it was coming from .......Chicago. We boarded at 5:10 Central and the Capt. told us we had a good tail wind and we would make up time. We landed at 8:10 (40 minutes late) and then proceeded to sit on the tarmac for 10 minutes because of "some mixup". We were all squished into a regional jet that put all our carry-ons into the belly of the plane...effectively making them not carry-ons at all. So, we now had to wait for our bags to be unloaded while the people that did check bags got to start walking. I was at the front of the steps to the sky walk so as the bags came on, a nice worker asked me to pass the bags back to the end of the line. So, I asked her if she could put me on the payroll. I mean, after all the waiting I did yesterday - she now expected me to smile and do her job for her. Well, if you know me, I'm nice as hell so I passed the bags back....of course...mine was third from last. As I was walking away, I asked her why on smallish jet flights they don't just say you have to check your bags but all of a sudden, she wasn't so friendly now that "her" job was done. Thanks. Buh-Bye. I felt like David Spade had just blown me off. I walked out to wait for the shuttle which got there in a record 20 minutes (heavy sarcasm). Had I paid a private lot to shuttle me, I'm sure the economy shuttle would have passed 10 times in the same 20 minutes. When the shuttle made the second stop, too many people got on and the driver couldn't shut the door so he asked 2 people to get off. There was a small disagreement about who the 2 would be. I hope that old dude didn't get hurt, but I didn't push him that hard and it's only about an 18" drop from the platform. I parked in 'B' and the bus started dropping off at 'K'. I got home at 10:00 PM Eastern. There is something very wrong with this process. It covered 813 miles. I drive 80 mph. Thats 10 hours. I left a meeting at 12:30 Central and arrived home at 10:00 Eastern. I could have taken anything I wanted had I driven. Gas would have cost me about $80. Somebody PLEASE remind me again why we fly?

Where are the Hot Flight Attendants?

You know what? I'm sick of movies. They are so fake. They are soooo Hollywood. People like Kathy Bates because she looks like a "real" person. People like William Macy because he looks like a "real" person. Well, in any movie I've ever seen where a jetliner is involved - all the flight attendants are little hotties. They're all 24-35 with toned bodies and tight uniforms. I've recently become a reluctant business traveler and I can tell you without a doubt - I have yet to see one single hottie attendant. I'm a pissy guy. Everything pisses me off about air travel from the long lines to the shuttle buses to the lousy food to the long amount of time it takes to get off the plane....you name it - I hate it - that's my flight policy.....unless I'm heading to a beach on my own time. So, my thinking is, if I'm going to be crammed on this little jet that only holds 100 people for 3 hours and I'm going to hear the woman next to me cracking her gum for the next 3 hours...can't somebody throw me a bone and not give me the equivalent of Edith Freakin' Bunker for my flight attendant?! Does Hooter's Air fly out of Philadelphia? I'll have to check on that. That's complaint one....more to follow this week as I get more and more "revved up" about business traveling.