FAN: Don't Let The Door Hit You

When did the practice of sending an email to the coworkers you liked when you leave a company start? Can I please go on record as hating it with a passion? I guess it's acceptable if you send one to your closest coworkers who you might not see for a while, but for the love of God, these people who you barely talked to in the first place who send out a 9 paragraph goodbye need to stop.

I first recall this happening at the end of my longest run with a company (13 years) circa 2003. A lot of people were leaving around that time and a lot of us had been with that company a long time. It's almost understandable when the same core group of 25 people are together 13 years in a company that only made it to 50 employees. What I'm noticing now though is a joke.

Someone who started 17 months ago at my newest place of destruction just left on Friday and sent out an email that was just plain bizarre. They all sound the same...I just want to say a heartfelt thank you to the people who actually tried to get to know me....puke, gag, hack. What's worse is then it becomes like high school. In a water cooler moment Jane Doe just has to say "did you get so and so's goodbye email?" when she knows who was on the list and who wasn't. Like Sally is going to give a flute that Mary didn't recognize her as someone who tried to get to know her. You know what, Mary? I don't get up at 5:30 every frikkin day to make new friends. I don't really want to get to know you. I'll be more than friendly to you and will never purposefully try to do you wrong, but let's end it there.

We had a consultant who was on for 3 months. 90 days came and went and we went to a monthly agreement with their rep. After about 6 months the work dried up and they were told we wouldn't be retaining their services. Of course, an email had to come out saying goodbye and thanking us for helping them LEARN more about yadda yadda yadda and they didnt know WHAT they did to not be retained....yadda yadda yadda....

Guess what? Nothing. You were fine. We ran out of work you could do. If a 1 means I hated you and a 10 means I love you and I must find a way to hire you, you were a good solid 5. I think at minimum you should have to work somewhere at least 5 years before you can send one of these emails when you leave. They are boring. They are awkward. If you were there 5 years and there are people you consider friends, you don't have to say goodbye because they will be emailing you or having you over for a cookout. Don't you only have to say goodbye if you don't plan on keeping in touch? That's what confusing to me about these things. They read like the person is moving to the other side of the world and there is no chance you will ever interact with them again.

I've been in the rat race since 1991 and you get over people leaving. I've made some long term friends out of former coworkers....a few who are reading this right now. If you've never been to my house, I've never been to yours, we've never once went out to eat lunch together or got it on in the empty room in the basement - please don't feel compelled to include me on your farewell speech. I don't care that your creativity is being held down by the man or that you can no longer continue to grow in this environment. My paycheck still clears from here and I really don't give a shit. Hrumph!

FAN: Horrible Confluence of Events

So we're going on a vacation and we're getting passports. Our local Post Office only has odd hours for filing the paperwork and they don't do weekends which is ludicrous. You even have to make an appointment. The next town over has an open door policy on Passport filings at their Post Office.

Still A Stroke was being dismissed at 10:30 on Friday so I worked from home. Mrs. Fan left work on lunch around 11:00 and came to pick us up to go to the Post Office. The night before we got the forms signed and had all the birth certificates out as well as our pictures. We were prepared.

We got to the PO and I realized I forgot my wallet. I was working from home and forgot to grab it before we left and I was being picked up so I wasn't driving. Mrs. Fan wasn't pleased at all. "Go Get It!" There was one group already getting it done and one other couple in front of us. I took her keys and like Micahel Jackson Beat It.

I went two miles down the road and decided stupidly to take a side road because there was construction on the road going back to our house. Less than 2 miles up the side road, IT was closed. I got on another side road that went back to the road I left. I floored it. When I got to the redlight, ........yup........I saw the flashing lights right stinking behind me.

I've been driving 25 years and until this past Thanksgiving I've had a perfect driving record. I got nailed going 81 mph in a 65 zone heading to see Still A Sis. What did this guy clock me at? He was on that side road knowing it was the only way back down to the main road. He was a weasel! I rolled down the window and he asked for.......my license. Stop laughing. I said that's a funny story officer, can I pull into the nursery right here and tell you? No. Tell me right here.

Jackass made cars go around us making the intersection totally unsafe for 25 minutes. I told him that my wife was on lunch and that we were getting passports and I forgot my wallet and was going home to get it and the road was closed. 57 in a 35 and no license or registration so another $75 on top of the speeding.

He wasn't personable, friendly or even polite. He was a tool and he'll see me in court where I will lose and pay the stupid ticket, but I will get back the $75 for having a license and hopefully 0 points.

My insurance didn't go up a nickel from the first ticket as I get an "Oooops" every 5 years. A second "Oh Shit" on top of an "Ooooops" will draw attention if I get points. 25 years! Well, I've been lead footed for 25 years so Karma is indeed a bitch.

FAN: Epic Math FAIL

Forgive me for the following stereotype non politically correct thingy I'm going to say, but I thought Asians in general were supposed to be good at math? I seriously once read if you are in a math class or a scientific class and it's graded on a curve and it is full of Asians - run and drop the course. I'm not making that up!

So what brings this on? After just writing about being made to feel like an idiot while in line - I turned the tables on somebody Sunday night. I went back to Home Depot for the 37th time since the bathroom remodel began to buy a piece of trim. No silly, not that kind of trim. You can't buy that legally in PA.....unless dinner counts as payment? Anyway, I knew I needed a piece exactly 90 inches long and I picked out a piece that you pay for by the linear foot.

The lines were long in the main part of the store so I thought I would go pick out an extra Sheppard's hook and check out in the garden section. Well, the young Asian man who checked me out must have been about 22 or so and he seemed disgusted that I brought building materials down to gardening to checkout. Now, would the main floor be mad if I bought some bush up there? No. So gardening shouldn't be mad if I buy some wood or trim down there. Damn. So he said "we don't have the visual vertical tape down here to measure it". I said no problem, mate, it's exactly 90 inches, I cut it myself to size. He stared at his register looking like a 16 year old at McDonald's looking for the picture of the Big Mac. He sighed. He looked at the person working the other register and said "how do I do feet?". The person said "What?" and he said "oh never mind I have my phone."

At this point I'm lost because I thought he didn't know how to key it into his system. He stopped, pressed some keys on his phone, frowned, then looked at me and said "so you don't know how many feet it is?" I said yes, it's 7 1/2 feet. "Thanks! I needed the feet number, you can't key in inches. I couldn't remember how to do it".

Ladies and gentlemen, he wasn't even embarrassed. It's not like he forgot how to spell embarrassed. It's not like he couldn't remember who the last 10 Popes were. It's not like he couldn't name every element in order. I have to assume the man knows there are 12 inches in a foot. So either he didn't know that A. division was the required operation or B. he just couldn't divide 90 by 12 in his head.

I said "If it doesn't take inches how do you put in the half foot?" I was assuming that you just pay for 8 even if you bought 7 1/2. If it were my store, 7 feet 1 inch would equal 8 feet. Or, maybe they actually divide the per foot price by 12 for each inch but I doubt it. He replied, "I just put in 7 feet."

God help us. My daughter is 10. She can convert mostly all English units of measurement. Time, weight, liquid ounces, distance...... Home Depot needs some Home Schooling. They measured all of their IQ's. They were pretty Lowe's. Booooooooooooo.

FAN: Hi, Would You Like To Be A Jerk In Public?

You know, when I buy something at a store and there are 10 people behind me in line, do you have to ask me if I'd like to donate $1 to kids with cancer? No, I don't want to. I'll say it in public, I don't care. I might come home and write them a check, but I'm not doing it through your store. I have no idea what kind of side deals you're doing or what charity you're even collecting for.

I leave that store and go to another and it's the same thing - would you like to donate a $1 to help kids in tough environments get a better education. No! People donate to what they want to donate to. I'm sick of going into a store specifically to buy something that costs $5 and I have to put up with the donation question at the end of the transation. No wonder I enjoy online shopping so much. It's peaceful. I don't have to park. I don't have to wait in line and I don't have to donate a $1.

I get it, I understand - one US Dollar doesn't sound like a lot and a charity that might otherwise get ignored gets some money - but I have an underlying feeling that the store makes out somehow. Even if not, charity is personal and private, to me at least. Grrrrrrrr. I feel bad for the poor kids running the registers that have to ask. I'm sure they have something to say under their breath when somebody can't give $1 to sick kids. Maybe they should take a look at my tax return to see what I give. Oh, that's right, I like to keep that private.

FAN: Winter Olympics Random Rant

I'm finding that the older I get, the more I realize I don't really like the Winter Olympics. Maybe I don't even like the Olympics, period.

At least for the summer, the sports seem more pure to me. You line guys up to run the 100, it's man against man. Same track, same conditions. It seems like every Winter event I watch - I can find fault with.

I watch the bobsledding and luge events and see that 37 teams all finish within 2 seconds of each other. I would love....love.....to strap two crash test dummies into a sled and send it down the track. I'm pretty sure they could get on the podium. In fact, I'm willing to bet that if had data dating back 50 years as to the combined weight of the sledders and sleds - we would begin to see a pattern for these small differences in time. Still A Fan and his one bad cat and one good cat take Bronze in 1 Human 2 Animals Bobsledding!

Ski Jump looks the same to me. Strap some skis on me which I have never done in my life and let me on that hill. I think I can beat at least one person from a warm country. Seriously! What if I'm the lucky bastard who gets a big lift from the wind at the precise time of takeoff? During one of the alpine events the first skier had perfect vision and it was a downright blizzard halfway in. How is that fair? Also, aren't there advantages, disadvantages just from the condition of the course as more skiers go?

Don't even get me started about skating. I like the racing, especially the short track but I wonder where it originated. Most likely a poor country. It's like 4 guys racing in my frozen hot tub. Just think if they did that with summer track. Cool. I just hate the judged events. Hate them. I like clear winners. That little cry baby Nancy boy sissy from Russia...Plushenko or something? I'm pretty sure my 10 year old girl can kick his whiny ass. I am so tired of him.

I'm tired of this guy Dick Buttons who has to weigh in on everything skating. Who cares? I'm tired of the opening and closing ceremonies. Does anybody remember such drama and waste from the 70's or 80's? They said Canada spent $300 million dollars on the opening ceremony and that it was a fraction of what China spent. People want me to send $ to Haiti and even donate to our starving American kids yet nobody has an issue with a 3 hour "show" costing $300 million dollars to produce? And what's with the natives dancing the ENTIRE TIME the teams were walking out? I would have killed somebody, seriously.

The Olympics have become too big for their own britches. You win a bronze medal and the first thing you are asked seconds later is if it hurts not to get the gold. For F's sake buddy....I'm the 3rd best person in the world at LUGE.....LUGE!.....let me enjoy it before this angry guy from Pennsylvania super glues a bowling ball into my...luge?....in an attempt to take my medal away from me.

FAN: Dear Intuit

Dear Intuit,

I've been using your flagship product TurboTax for as long as I can remember. I have backed up tax files dating to 1999 but I think I started using TurboTax even before that. I think it's great how you find last year's file for me on my computer and pull over all the information for me from last year.

If you ever discreetly send information back to your servers you'll see my profession listed as software quality specialist. That means every time I use software, I'm in work mode. Nit-picking. Analyzing. Comparing. I pride myself on making the user experience better. I want to be the "go to" guy when the business and development can't make up their minds how something should flow. I would like to point out a minor annoyance with your software since you seemed to listen very well to an email I sent years ago concerning all the crap you wanted to install on my machine when I installed TurboTax. You haven't done that lately. Good for you.

You remember my name, my wife's name and my daughter's name. You remember where we worked. You remember our social security numbers. You remember not only what charities I gave money to but how much. You remember that I have a dismal side consulting gig that earns me fewer and fewer dollars each year as I have no free time to burn. You remember how I like to report that business as well as the method I use to track stock gains and losses. You remember where to send my check for direct deposit and who holds my mortgage. I would like to suggest one more thing you can remember.

I do not own a fucking farm! How many times do I have to tell you? How many? I didn't own one in 1999. I didn't own one in 2003. I didn't own one in 2007 and I don't fucking own one now! My address is the same! My job is the same. My wife's job is the same. Unless I figured out a way to make an extremely shady 1/3 of an acre profitable by growing 37 ears of corn - let me repeat - I DO NOT OWN A FARM. Who in the hell writes your software? Mr. Green Jeans? Al Gore? Bob Evans? Since about 10 AM yesterday I answered 126 questions using your software. No less than 43 of them were "Do You Own A Farm?" NOOOOOOOOOO. Cheese and Crackers! How about you add one question the second the software is installed.....right after you click launch. "Gee, Mr Still A Fan, I see here that you've filed your taxes with us electronically since 1999. We'd like to thank you for that. I also see that during that time, you've never once owned a farm (to see how miserable your life could be by waking up at 4 AM and pulling on cow tits, mending fences and going on a perpetual egg hunt - visit our sister site www.youshouldownafarmgoddamnit.com). If your farm owning status remains "No" please click here to avoid any farm related questioning during the interview process."

See how easy that would be, Intuit? One question saves many questions. Save a click, save a life....my life, because every time I see a question about a farm, it raises my blood pressure more than the farmer's special breakfast plate at IHOP. I mean it....stop it.

Sincerely,

Still A Fan

FAN: Favre Retiring Again...No Wait

Great. It's January 24th. Favre threw a pick which cost the Vikings a chance at the Super Bowl. With their front 7, the Vikings had a better chance in my opinion of beating the Colts than the Saints do. Oh well.

Now all we have to look forward to is Brett retiring and unretiring all spring and summer. We have about what, six months now of "will he" or "won't he"....which is six too many for yours truly and I like the man.

I was going to write a sort of parody of him already retiring and un-retiring 3 times since the game ended around 10:30 but what would be the point? I'm not sure it qualifies as a parody. He was brought there specifically to win this game and even though he had a spectacular season with only 7 picks, his never say die attitude which plagued him at times in the second half of his career came shining through today. If he takes off running with that ball and steps out of bounds they kick and win.

I think he's going to want that one back tomorrow. Next week. Next month. 10 years from now. In the end, he couldn't stop himself from being Brett.

FAN: I Protest

Still A Stroke is in 5th grade. Every day they do 4 math problems on a math maintenance test which gives them 20 questions for the week and then it's graded. The math maintenance tests then become a quarter of their trimester math grade. It's a good way to keep using things you've learned in the past. Full disclosure, I was half a math major.

I took exception when I saw her results for last week's test. She missed two questions in a section where you are supposed to select THE BEST way to solve a problem. The choices were Mental Math, Estimation, Paper & Pencil and Calculator.

My daughter has always struggled with estimation and her school pushes the concept hard. When they want you to estimate they always say "About how much is 4312 + 2698". She is like me - black or white, not a lot of gray. She frequently puts the exact answer for estimation problems which leads to the teacher correctly marking them wrong. She's young. Her feelings are "but why get close when I know how to solve the problem?" It's a hard concept to explain.

Anyway, I get the idea of mental math. She got that question right because it was something like 200 * 20. However, the next question was something more like the first example I used: 4312 + 2698. The teacher wanted "estimation" for the answer. I've trained my daughter to look for the words "close" or "about" when doing estimation problems. When those words don't exist and you ask a 5th grader what's the BEST way to solve it, I'm not sure "estimation" is the correct answer. She said "calculator". I asked her the thought process she used. She said that she thought they wanted to know the best way to get the exact answer and even though she could do it with paper & pencil, why wouldn't you use a calculator if you had one. That makes sense to me the way the question was worded.

I don't even need to explain the other one she missed because again she used "calculator" and the correct answer was pencil & paper. If you think like a kid (which I do) and you're thinking "ok, I have paper & pencil, a calculator and two methods in my head" and you're presented with something and asked which is the BEST way to solve it, it's very subjective. Math is not subjective. Words like "Best" you have to be careful with. You can get your point across without "Best" being included and without "calculator" included in the list. Maybe have a matching of 1, 2, 3 with A, B and C. Then you see the kid knows that 500 + 400 is mental math, 6710 - 688 is estimation and so on.

I did send the teacher an email because I need it explained to me when pencil & paper is better than a calculator if you have both with you. The only reasonable answer I see is if you want to draw a picture of a doggy or a horsey.

I "get" these concepts and I like that they are being taught. I just want the problems worded a little more carefully for those kids that might think too much. When you add a calculator to the mix and then ask for the BEST way to solve.......that's an email.

FAN: Cleveland Chooses Holmgren's Mediocrity

Thank You Cleveland Browns. Thank You, Thank You....Thank You. Why? For hiring The Walrus of course! This hyped up pile of steaming poo is the poster boy for NFL mediocrity. I can't believe (actually I can) the way the press is all over every move the man makes. Where are the graphics showing the man's credentials to take over a franchise? Without knowing the facts before writing this I think his credentials suck monkey balls.

So, off to Wikipedia I go, in search of why Cleveland is all gaga over this guy. Holmgren coached 7 years in Green Bay with a record of 75-37. Very good. He began with 3 9-7 seasons in a row while Brett Favre learned how to play the game and then while Brett was in his prime he road his horse for a 48-16 record and playoff success and a Super Bowl win (and a SB loss). He had great success at Green Bay when tethered to Favre and his waistline, I mean legend, grew.

This is where it gets fun. Mike's ego wanted to run his own team. He wanted to buy the ingredients and cook the meal. Seattle offered him that opportunity and he jumped at the chance in 1999. He went 9-7 in his first year there. Decent enough but it takes time to turn a program around, right? He got worse in 2000. Much worse. His record was 6-10. Ask Bill Belimort, it's hard as Hell to win games without a star quarterback. In his third season as Seattle's football czar, Mike went 9-7 again. Ok, Now he's back on track and is set up to succeed in season four - except he didn't. He went 7-9. So, the genius Mike Holmgren was brought in to win and so far as the man in charge of everything, he's posted a 31-33 record. How did ownership react? They stripped him of his GM role and said "Just coach please". He couldn't run the organization. He failed at the thing he wanted most.

Without running the organization he had immediate success going 10-6 but lost the first playoff game. Like most of his tenure, he failed to put together back-to-back good seasons and went 9-7 followed by another first round playoff loss. Maybe Mike should change his name officially to "Nine Wins Holmgren". He finally delivered in 2005 going 13-3 but lost the Super Bowl (he he he) to a far superior team and then blamed the referees instead of being a man. Nice character there, Niner. You can only guess that he went 9-7 in 2006. He showed a little promise going 10-6 in 2007 but he lost in the playoffs to.......Brett Favre. Sigh. That must have really rocked his world because he ended his Seattle stint with a 4-12 record. Let me repeat that....a 4-12 record. In totality, in Seattle, the genius was 86-74 and 4-6 in the playoffs.

Cleveland wants a football czar. Hmmmm, who should they seek out? How about a coach who has 7 seasons with 10 wins or more out of 17 seasons. Out of the other 10 campaigns, 7 of them were 9 win seasons. Yawn. And don't forget he got shit canned as the GM after only 4 years. He hasn't had back-to-back 10 win seasons since 1998 and that was with Favre. The fact that this man is so sought after is mind boggling to me. I read once where he wanted to go open a coffee shop or a B&B and retire. He should have followed his dream.

What has Cleveland gained since employing Mike? Well, they decided to keep a coach with a career NFL record of 28-36 because he had a 4 game winning streak. I'm impressed. The fact that Mangini went 10-6 in his first year with the Jets and 4-12 in his second tells me he went 10-6 with somebody else's team. Whatever. So what do I read this morning? Holmgren is close to hiring Seattle's Pro Personnel director to be Cleveland's GM. He's worked with him before in Green Bay and Seattle. Super! Steeler fans rejoice! Mike is going to bring his amazing streak of mediocrity to the Browns by surrounding himself with cronies from the old days who have already failed with him at other locations.

People, People, People.....please pull back the curtain and take a good look at your wizard. Your wizard isn't a wizard at all. Your wizard, is a walrus.

FAN: Geddy Lee is a WHAT?

Mark Dent of MLB.com wrote this article and I'm not sure if anyone with a clue edited it.

If you asked me to describe Rush's music or force me to put them in a genre - without looking at Wikipedia (which I'll do in a minute) I'd classify them as a few things...Progressive Rock first and foremost. Art Rock second. Hard Rock...meh. Back in the day maybe. I should know this stuff as when people ask me who my favorite band of alltime is I take turns answering Rush or Led Zeppelin. Anyway, let's see what Wikipedia says.....

Wikipedia states: Musically, Rush's style has evolved over the years, beginning in the vein of blues-inspired heavy metal on their first albums, then encompassing hard rock, progressive rock, and a period dominated by synthesizers. They have influenced various musical artists, including Metallica,^[1][2] and The Smashing Pumpkins^[3] as well as progressive metal bands such as Dream Theater,^[1] Primus,^[3] and Symphony X.^[4]

Why on Earth this idiot decided to call him a "Punk Rocker" is a mystery to me - other than the dude doesn't know dick about music and thinks "Punk" is somehow interchangeable with "Progressive". He probably cringes when people don't know about double switches, designated hitters and how far it is from the rubber to home plate. Don't jazz stuff about things you don't know anything about, Skippy. Makes you seem ill-informed to the informed.

FAN: Magazines Starting To Suck

Listen you stupid magazines - I'm not happy one single bit with your latest ploys to prolong subscriptions. We get so many magazines I can't even keep track. I'm much more of a magazine reader than a book reader these days. If I get sufficiently pissed off at some of them though, I'll end that in a hurry. A slew of renewal forms just came through the house and I noticed three trends.

One - I almost ripped one up that my wife no longer wants to receive but on closer inspection, it had written on it: "You will be automatically renewed and billed unless you return this card marked DO Not Continue". That's some bullshit right there. It's OK for auto insurance to do that and the like. It's NOT ok for magazines to do it. It's just not. Why? Because for years we've been trained to get a renewal card and decide what we want to do. It's standard operating procedure for subscribing to a magazine for a certain length of time. I'm sure the economy caused this, but big business is slimy so maybe it was coming regardless.

Two - I already paid for another year of one of my favorite magazines. Another mailing came and my wife even said "Oh, I thought you paid that one". I did. It was another offer to add another year on for a reduced rate, but it was made out to look like my normal renewal card. The slimy bastages are looking for people who have so many subscriptions they can't keep track of what they already paid - so when they get this, they just check the box and pay another year ontop of what they're already getting. I swear the text explaining that I was in good standing for the next year and this was for 12 issues ontop of that was very hard to find and very misleading even to someone like me. Imagine the old goats getting this! They might not even live another two years!

Three - I'm 6 months into a 1 year subscription and I'm being told to renew or risk interuption of service. I'm not going to miss my mailed medications. I'm not going to lapse my auto insurance. I might miss a month of a magazine that just jumbles their article names and keeps cranking out the same old shit month after month. Yeah, I'm not going to renew you period, Pilgrim. I'll have to keep my eyes peeled for it though so they don't trick me into sending them money.

Magazine marketers have become carnival barkers. Word!

FAN: Chipotle Needs Process ReEngineering

Take a good look at this picture. I thought I was gonna have to paint a picture with words for this rant but I plugged "Chipotle Mexican Grill" into Google Images and behold - I got more than I expected.

I'm a simple man. A little odd, yes. A little direct, yes, but I work a certain way. A predictable way. Things should make sense to me. Inefficiencies suck. Call me crazy. I only spilled the contents of a bagless vacuum on the freshly vacuumed carpet once. It's woven into my fabric. When things annoy me, I look for and find better ways to do them. It's why I do what I do for a living. There is no better job for me than to find fault with things.

I hate salad bars. Hate them! I love salad. Dilemma! Why don't I like salad bars? How much time do you have? They're basically a mess. We love Ruby Tuesday's salad bar....at certain times of the day. If you get there shortly after they open or before the dinner rush, it's much better. By "much better" I mean "much cleaner". I don't like hard boiled egg pieces in my beets. It must be the presentation thing for me. Yes, I'm going to mix all those things together in my own salad, but I don't want the grape that the snot nosed kid touched and put back. You feel me? I don't like it when the stainless steel parts between the crocks are so full of old stuff it looks like a rather large person sneezed a hurricane. I don't want the oily mess from a pasta salad dripping on the carrots. My wife had to get "kitchen certified" to be the administrator of an assisted living once. She learned all kinds of creepy things about salad bars. TIP: Pass on the spinach and sprouts.

So, that was a little background. On to Chipotle. I love Chipotle Mexican Grill. A quick affordable lunch much better than Taco Bell. I haven't been in a Taco Bell in 10 years - maybe longer. With the advent of "fast casual" places like Chipotle's, Qdoba, Moe's and Baha Fresh - why would you? Of all those mentioned, Chipotle is my absolute favorite. Small menu, refillable Diet Coke, excellent burritos! Software geeks L-O-V-E burritos and caffeine. There's nothing like going back to the cube farm with some good belches lined up. I'll try to make this short. Maybe I'll email Chipotle myself, but as I'm coming through the line every time, and I prolly eat there once a week, I get those old salad bar feelings when I look at the sour cream. Why? There's typically corn salsa and cheese backstroking in it. I'm having the corn salsa and I'm having the cheese, so to get the sour cream is no huge deal to me, but for presentation purposes or if I had an aversion to corn and wanted sour cream, I'd pass.

Now look at the picture again. Imagine the section with the meat and beans is where you first order and then the secion with the salsas and toppings are right beside it. The worker is standing on the side of the sour cream. The corn salsa is closest to the customer as you walk down the board. I want the corn closer to the worker! If the worker doesn't have to navigate corn on a spoon going for a flyover of the sour cream.....no kernel can decide to commit cornicide and jump off said serving spoon. Genius! I just solved the age old problem of corn in the sour cream! I noticed it the second time I ate there. Now when I go, I just laugh at all the corn in the sour cream and wonder A. How did this come about? and B. Why is it still like that? I thought maybe it was just the one store I eat at for lunch but it's not. Our local one is set up the same way and this picture indicates that it's most likely this way at every location.

I know that swapping the corn and sour cream solves little as you'll just have the opposite effect of sour cream in the corn....but why do those buckets have to be that way? Use a thicker sour cream and it won't run off the spoon. Keep the same runny sour cream but put it in a squeezable bottle like ketchup. There are probably 100 different ways to get around this problem, but it's hard for me to understand why a national chain hasn't seen this as an issue yet and changed it. If that store opens at 11 AM, I guarantee you the first piece of corn flies into the white quicksand around 11:07. If Chipotle's was around and I worked there instead of Burger King when I was in high school - I would have solved that bugger on Day 2.

Don't you think one worker..somewhere..anywhere.. at 11:07 AM is saying "Damn! You there, you slippery hot kernel...YOU...will be the last kernel of corn that ever falls in the sour cream on MY watch!"

FAN: Mathletes, Not

Maybe I'm biased because I majored in Math and Computer Science, but I read something so ridiculous (to me) last night I almost laughed out loud. I don't try many new recipes with a lot of ingredients so someone please correct me if I'm wrong. I might even debate you on it as it doesn't seem to make sense to someone who thinks like me. I was in the, um, reading room with no material of my own to read so I picked up one of Mrs. Fan's magazines. There was an article on healthy snacks to make for parties and there was a recipe for fruit and cheese balls that required no cooking. What struck me as totally odd and unnecessary was at the very top of the recipe right under the name. It stated "Recipe Can Be Doubled". Really? No shit, Sherlock! I bet it can also be.....wait for it....tripled or quadrupled! Is it me? Am I wrong? There was no chemical reaction to the process that I saw....maybe I'm just a grumpy old man? Please, school me on this one.

FAN: Unleash The Truth

I'm guessing Mike Tomlin didn't make it to the end of the movie Gladiator the day he was watching it and quoted it leading up to the Raiders game. Maximus dies, dude. Not only does he die, they killed his family! They didn't just kill them, it was more graphic than that when explained to him. They were left hanging at the property as well. Sound familiar? In the end he wanted death! He wanted to join his family in death and thought about it often. Now it really makes sense, no? You can just see Ike Taylor Swaggin' down in Miami after the season. Just close your eyes, Ike...close them....see the sand....feel it beneath your toes......that's right....drift off......let it go..............................

FAN: Mall Santa Too Early

We went out to dinner last night and then headed to the mall to pickup a few things. We had dinner at a German restaurant and I was the only one who ordered something authentic. I had a sausage sampler which had one veal, one pork and one beef "link". They were so big I "Brat" some home. Poor joke, sorry. German potato salad and spaetzle rounded out the meal which started off with a roasted red pepper filled with goat cheese and drizzled with vinegar. To top it off we shared a slice of black forest cake and fresh cream that was the size of a cinder block. Yum. I asked the waiter and he confirmed that they buy some of their menu items from the German farm that I took Stilladog to when he last visitied. Cool, but I digress. What's stuck in my craw is that last night was Novemeber 21st and Santa was at the mall already. I know for years stores start decorating the second Halloween is over and one store we were in two weeks ago was already rockin' Christmas tunes, but usually you don't see the big guy until after Thanksgiving. I was kind of bummed out. When I met up with Mrs. Fan and Still A Stroke to go to the car I siad something about it and they told me he was out last week when they ran over to get something. Still A Stroke no longer believes so it makes it a little bit easier on us this year, but when the little kids have to put up with seeing Santa 6 or 7 weeks before the big day - I think it's too long. You can't stay excited that long. Marketers can have the airwaves and the storefronts. I'm just saying it was 56 degrees here last night at 8 pm. I was wearing shorts in the mall. To see Santa? Really? It just felt, well, wrong.

FAN: New Reruns

I am so sick of seeing recycled television. I saw the commercials for Modern Family starring Ed O'Neil and decided to give it a try. Al Bundy is one of my top 10 favorite TV characters of all time. What the heck, I'll tape it and give it a try. The show had two plots going on at the same time. The first plot had a dad who didn't trust his son with a new bike. He saw what he thought was his bike up against a parking meter so he decided to take it to scare his son. After some sitcom fun, they had 3 identical bikes at the house. Not funny. Really not funny when your daughter just started watching some old Full House reruns on Nick and you just saw this almost identical plot 2 weeks ago. It was so fresh in my mind it seemed like a blatant ripoff. I wish I could post pictures side by side of the families with 3-4 of the same bikes in the photo. The second plot going on involved a gay couple taking their adopted child to a "Gymboree" type place for some fun. Once there they are asked questions about his development like if he's grabbing for things or stacking blocks. The one guy actually takes a stack of blocks from in front of the kid next to his and slides it in front of his and then draws attention to it. Funny.....unless you're a big Murphy Brown fan. When people talk to me about Murphy Brown, three episodes come to mind. First, the modern art episode where she challenges critics to pick out something her son did against other artists. Second, the actor who plays Andre The Giant's keeper in Princess Bride is a politician who takes money from a white supremacist type group and then gets grilled by Murphy about it on air. Priceless. Third, the episode where Murphy joins a "moms group" only to find out how competitive it is and that other kids are clapping and her son won't clap. Again, 20 years apart it might not seem the same, but I swear if you played them back-to-back, people would cry "Bullshit". It reminds me of the time I saw the girl on ER interviewed (I can't remember her name. I'm too tired to Google but she was Clooney's chick and she was on The Sopranos for a short stint) and she was asked why she left. She said "how many times can one hospital ER blow up?". That summed it up brilliantly. My daughter is amazed while watching Drake and Josh or iCarly that I am able to tell her exactly what's going to happen. "How did you know that?" she'll say. Sigh. Because I saw Ritchie Cunningham do it. Then I saw Alex P. Keaton do it. Then I saw Mike Seaver do it. Then I saw Randy Taylor do it. The names change, a detail changes....it's the same freaking plot. People wonder why reality TV took over. Because all the good writers went to HBO, Showtime, Fx.... Once Two And A Half Men retires, the network sitcom will be completely dead.

FAN: Ratings Lead In

I listen to Howard Stern. I don't listen to the entire show, but I listen for 40 minutes driving in and slightly more driving home as it takes me longer in the evening. Since Conan took Jay Leno's time slot and Jay took a break before coming back in prime time - they have completely disected late night Neilson Ratings. Howard hates Jay and wants him to fail. The arguement is that even though he went from a 15 on opening night to a 4.6 last night, the show is cheap to produce and at that price it's still OK. One of the arguements on the other side is that it might be cheap, but you will never generate dvd sales from it or get syndication money. Good points, all. The one that really sticks in my craw (jaw?) is the arguement that he is losing lead-in for the local news. I'm not here to argue that maybe when dealing with local news lead-in might not be somewhat important as once the big story comes on, why change it.....but they talk about lead-in viewers like it's 1978.

I don't know about you, but I have a remote. I have pretty damn nice one too. Touch screen, runs software, controls 15 devices and knows what components to turn on and what the settings are for actions like 'Watch TV' or 'Watch DVD'. When you press an action, all the component settings change. It's like butter, but I digress. I was a very young kid when my great aunt got a tv that came with a remote. We followed a few years later. Lead-In? Are you serious. Are you telling me if your shitty show comes on after your really good show, I still might watch the shitty show? I seriously doubt it. I'm a stats geek. I would be willing to bet $1,000,000 if we could pull the data much like website analytics show "bolt rate" - we would see that the "Lead-In" effect has been in steady decline since the advent of the remote. I get it. I understand why it used to work. I was party to why it used to work. People watching TV today, at least the ones who count (the coveted 18-35 males) have the attention span of Robin Williams on a Double Gulp Diet Coke. Please with your Lead-In. People have their favorites of everything including late night news. Does anybody even watch the local news? Shows used to get a full season, sometimes two to prove their worth. Today they will be yanked after 3 or 4 episodes and there are a plethora of other new shitty shows with 8 episodes already in the can. I wonder how many people only know "plethora" because of Three Amigos? Anyway, I'm done, but I know a terrible show was crammed down my throat on every commercial break last year so I gave it a chance because it had that funny ass rich lady from Will & Grace in it....and after 6 minutes we turned the channel and never gave it a second chance. It didn't matter if Mother Hubbing Cheers was in front of it, I'm not watching a turd. Jay Leno? He's a clown anyway. Lettermen is King. Long live the King.

FAN: Joe Buck's Show Sucks

I'm a Howard Stern fan and I loved what Artie Lange did on Buck's first show. Classic, it was. He hinted that he might be on tonight so I watched it and he was not. The show, by the way, was horrible. He had three panels. One was Joe Namath, Dan Marino and John Elway. Joe Namath is still ultra cool. Elway no longer looks like a horse. He now looks like a dead horse banged Gary Busey and he is the offspring. What an ugly messed up man he is. He might be living "Everyone's All American". Marino looks like he could still play. My issue with the segment was they just sat around and sucked each other off. He has the best release ever..No..No....you could scramble....No...No.... STFU. When asked who should fill the 4th seat if they could put anyone there they all said Montana. Whatever. Marino at least took a little shot at him by saying he was blessed to play on a great team.

The next panel had Jerry Jones and Mark Cuban. Cuban I find interesting. Jones? Not so much. He's a fantasy owner not quite as much as Daniel Snyder, but still. Talk about strange looking people. Much like I figured out Elway's ancestry, I think Yoda mounted Ross Perot which lead to Jerry Jones. Weird looking little effer, isn't he? Sam thing here...you're the maverick...No...No...you lead the way...No..No...you do what you want.... Y-A-W-N

Lastly, Curt Schilling came out to announce he would not run to fill Kennedy's empty senate seat. This guy just retired? Did he gain 80 pounds since he retired? Mother Hubbard. He looks like he tkaes a spit cup into Walmart to buy his ammo. Damn. I think I would most likely side with his political views but in all the years he pitched for my team I never saw him like he presented himself tonight. I know full well he's bigger right now than Luzinski or Kruk ever were in their playing days. I saw The Bull at last year's Philly Half Marathon and he looked good....half the size of Schil.

Did I mention Buck fawns over these guys and they're the same ones that snapped his bare ass with a wet towel in the gym lockers? Pompous unfunny prick.

FAN: More Big Company Nonsense

So about eight months ago I left my small company manager title and my real office with a door behind to chase bigger cash at a much bigger company with much deeper pockets. I am making much more money here to sit in a cube farm and not be "the guy" even though being "the guy"'s right hand man is as much work as being "the guy" at a smaller company. It took the new team at this place a while to put together a new SDLC and the managers and leads are now being trained on it. We learned that in order to get a project approved it has to be a money generator or a money saver. A few days later in a Change Management meeting, two projects appeared on the list - one to change everyone's Outlook signature to something standard and one to replace server names on communications about phone and service outages. Seems somebody was mad that an service interruption message was too explicit for the field. So, while major pieces of the production environment still have many issues to wade through - we're going to have resources working on those two mind blowing initiatives. It never ends.

FAN: Olan Mills

So I put a suit on tonight at 7:50 PM to go to our church to have a picture taken for the directory. You get a complimentary 8x10 just for taking part. Ha. Ha! HA! Fools, all of us. About 20 photos were taken and we were then lead into a room with a sales girl with super software that showed the pictures every which way to.....SUNDAY. I do not get snookered, so please don't think I got snookered. We haven't had a family portrait taken since Still A Stroke was 3 1/2 years old. She's going to be 10 this summer. It was time. But getting a photo for a church directory should not feel like buying a car! What's it going to take to put you into this 16x20 canvas - touched up professionally - with our overpriced frame and live forever magic epoxy?! I didn't even take my wallet. I had no idea. One minute I'm watching Harry Potter with Stroke as we're gearing up for the next movie installment July 15th, the next minute I'm discussing if I can bring the package down from $280 if I don't get the fancy smokey corners! What's wrong with the picture from 2003 that's only 11x14 above our mantle? My hair was still somewhat brown! My face was thinner! Look how cute Stroke's little bare feet are at 3! Why? Do we really need a 16x20 canvas as part of our package? Sigh. Yes. Also as a side note if you currently work at Olan Mills......when people are going to drop large amounts of cheddar with your company, you shouldn't ask them to "please don't do that, sir" when you whip out your BlackBerry to take a 2 megapixel blurry photo of your daughter while posed all cutesy. "Hey Honey, F Olan Mills....I got us the winner right here on my cell phone!".