The PacMaker

Wow. Now here is a match made in heaven. Pacman Jones and Michael Irvin together on Irvin's radio show. Nice. Did you hear they went out after the show? TMZ.com had them followed and this is a snippet of the article that will appear tomorrow.....

"...they left the studio in Pacman's Hummer with 29" wheels and rolling rims. Through the tinted glass we saw Irvin do a line off the dashboard while Pacman guzzled from an open bottle of Chrystal. We followed them to Dina's Den of Debauchery where they got out and stumbled to an ATM machine. Pacman filled up a paper sack with what appeared to be about $11,000 while Irvin stuffed his pockets with roughly $8,000. Michael's cellphone rang out with NWA's Fug The Police as his ringtone. He had a short conversation where we overheard him repeatedly demand a delivery of some sort to the club and also bring his favorite pipe. When questioned, Irvin said it was Domino's and they were bringing pizza and some cheese BITES. We followed them in the club where Pacman already had 13 nude girls grinding up on him in a corner. Irvin took off his shirt and joined in as Kid Rock's Cowboy blasted from the speakers. Another gentlemen seemed to be with them but we couldn't make him out through all the marijuana smoke. He appeared to be older and very ugly with tight skin....almost Montgomery Burns-like in stature wearing a blue suit. As he began to stand up, their personal security guard who looked amazingly like Nate Newton started to growl and mope in our direction so we bolted......"

I Hate Michael Irvin

I'm not sure about you, but I am sick to death of seeing, hearing and reading about Michael Irvin's Hall Of Fame acceptance speech. Does anyone believe a word of it with the exception of himself and his boys (the young ones from the fruit of his loin, not the posse or the Cowpokes)? I mean really! It all really speaks back to the Paul Zeise piece I did last week. How much press did you see this week about anyone other than 88? None? That's about right. Bruce Matthews and Thurman Thomas played right in my "wheelhouse" of NFL fandom. Both were extremely classy and very professional. Instead of the networks and the NFL pushing these two fine gentlemen on us, we got Irvin and his crocodile tears shoved down our throats. So, much like Mr. Zeise said last week - had Bruce Matthews been with hookers while snorting cocaine among other things - and then made a tearful speech to his family....maybe he would have had more face time. It's disgusting. I know in my bones that Michael Irvin will screw up again. It's in his DNA. He can be lumped in with Lawrence Taylor, Dexter Manley, Doc Gooden and Steve Howe in my book. These guys get caught numerous time and make a plea to be forgiven...saying they made "bad choices"...and within a year they are back in the news for the same transgressions. One final note, when you snort coke and bang hookers, get pulled over for speeding with a crack pipe in the car....whatever.....why do sportscasters interview them with kid gloves on? Why does Chris Collinsworth have to say "Michael, you've made some bad choices.....do your kids forgive you?" Why can't he say "Michael, in the prime of your career you liked to party with Nate Newton, get you some bitches and snort cocaine off of strippers asses......what will you say to your kids when they read that on the Internet in a few years?" I wouldn't treat that smiling preacher freak any different than I'd treat a murderer. And for every guy on a panel who acts all "buddy-buddy" with him..like Deion...who knows him "beyond the persona"....would they allow their 20 year old daughter to go to Irvin's "studio" so he could help her prepare for a job in telecommunications? I think not. Playmaker? Hell yeah if the play is to lie to everyone including himself. He's not sorry for one blessed second of his past "transgressions" and "poor choices". The only thing he's sorry for is that he got caught. Believe that.

The Pipe Maker Burns Out Welcome

Thank God. ESPN will not be extending Michael Irvin's contract this season. He was working on a 1 year deal which was a brilliant move on ESPN's part. Irvin has been with the program NFL Countdown since 2003 when he took over for another hyper analyst - Sterling Sharpe. These guys think whomever talks the loudest is the most correct. If they continue to fill that seat with arrogant idiots, Sean Salisbury will be in for interviews shortly. Irvin was always in trouble during his playing days and has had several missteps since being on ESPN - most recently saying Tony Romo's great great great grandmother must have visited the hood to "get some" or went down to the barn to see a slave. That's how Irvin explained Romo's speed for a white guy. Even though I watch less and less pregame shouting every year - it will be easier now to stomach Countdown without Irvin. I don't want Marty. I don't want "The Tuna". Emmit Smith and Marshall Faulk are both terrible on NFL Network. I'm not sure who they will chase but they can never settle on seats 3 and 4. Mort, Jaws and Steve Young still report but no longer sit. Ditka can't complete a full sentence because his mind races ahead of his mouth. Is it that hard to find somebody to complement Fred Flintstone and Tom Jackson?

What Will TO Apologists Say This Time?

Like there aren't enough reasons to dislike Michael Irvin already....I almost want to hear his low IQ explanation for what happened to TO this week. It never fails that he backs him up because TO is his "friend". They talk. They're boiz. The Playmaker and The Big Faker (I think this was staged to some degree to try and garner sympathy). I remember when he hurt his hand originally - TJ said with TO it will always be something. Irvin started to loudly defend him asking how hurting his hand is TO's fault. TJ's classic reply was to just keep fading out and saying "it will always be something.....it will always be something....it will always be something". Tom Jackson owns this angle. There is no other angle. However, because his damn necktie knot is so big it chokes the oxygen from his tiny squirrel-sized brain, Irvin will now probably get all serious and talk about depression and say how we all need to love and support TO. Support TO? Huh? Wuh? These two friggin idiots were made for each other. I wish they would get in a car with Drew Roseypalm - invite Stuart Scott and tell him they're going out partying in the hood, lock the doors, put on the child locks....and drive the stupid car over a cliff somewhere where there is water below. Boooooo-Yah!

The Answer Is Yes

And the follow up question should have been "and why is your tie knot as big as your head?".