FAN: US Airways 1549 Was Brought Down

Seen swimming on the Hudson shortly before takeoff.

Silent Night, Holy Night

All is calm....BAM!....Bin Laden's Buddy Dead <----- Read It. Guess we won't have to worry about Mullah Akhtar Mohammad Osmani anymore.

Merry Christmas Bin Laden

A Christmas Story from Still A Dad:

Little Rebecca comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Christmas. "Since Christmas is for Christians and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a Christmas card?

Rebecca's father thinks! a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Christmas card to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock?

"Well", she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a card, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent cards to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.
Rebecca, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Rebecca says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him and send him back to hell where he belongs!"

Foul Air Rules

Hmmmm, that title can definitely be read two ways.

Somewhere my old roommate would be rolling if he read this as he is a connoisseur of dick and fart jokes. He would giggle about this story for weeks.

We Want You

This is from an AP story released today:

The fugitive terror chief Abu Hamza al-Muhajir said experts in the fields of "chemistry, physics, electronics, media and all other sciences — especially nuclear scientists and explosives experts" should join his group's jihad, or holy war, against the West.

The Associated Press missed some of the coverage though as they mistook a pregnated pause as the end of his plea. Steel City Slant's recorders were still rolling as al-Muhajir continued his request for particular fields. "We need the proctologists to massage and stretch our tiny assholes. We need someone who can build a perfect turkey kaiser, with just the right amount of mayo. We need someone who can shine the shoes so good that his own image is visi.....oh, we wear sandals...OK forget the shine boy and instead make it someone who can tie the two cans together with the string to make a next generation "talkie" device. We need one brave soul who will experiment with the bathing every day. I would like one person who can explain to me why we still dress like it is 67 BC. I would like somebody to teach me how to groom my goddamn moustache evenly as it is much ticker on de one side like the goat and yet the other side is not so tick like de goat but still OK I guess. I would like it if the same man could then explain to me the eyebrows as I try to pluck dem to match but as you can see I cannot. I would like to talk to someone about getting me a pair of the sunglasses like that cool guy from Saudi Arabia wears when he is on the TV. I would like a PR person to get my name out there so I am recognized for the genius that I am....Hitler, bin Laden...ah-muharjir. I would like a plumber or two so I could stop de pooping in the sand and covering it up much like your domestic house cats and I would have them put in some indoor plumbing but not with the ass picks like the Brits have since they scare me when I am there. Finally, I would like it very very much if you could send me some of the western porn so I can stop masturbating while thinking about the soft, subtle sexy curves and skin of my secretary's ankles. Ummm, die all you Western dogs.

Yeah. Thanks, Abu. Isn't Abu the name of the monkey in Disney's Aladdin? In the words of great American Johnny Carson, "May the flies of a thousand camels infest your mother's armpits."

Scare Piece? You Be The Judge.

You can either simply dismiss this as a scare piece of journalism or you can start building a bunker in your basement. Either way - reading it makes me feel many different things. I don't know whether to wish for world harmony or to wish the westies would simply wipe the planet clean of Islamic militants....collateral damage be damned. Violence seems to be the only thing they understand. One word - "Hiroshima". What if we just blow a couple of cities off the face of the planet? I guarantee you that if a nuclear bomb is ever detonated on our soil, I can easily name about 6 cities that I'd start with. It's silly to even say things like that, but when you read something so offensive - what are our real options?

The Proof Is In The Pudding

This is from an AP story:

BEIRUT, Lebanon - Hezbollah leader Sheik Hassan Nasrallah said in a TV interview aired Sunday that he would not have ordered the capture of two Israeli soldiers if he had known it would lead to such a war.
Hezbollah guerrillas killed three Israeli soldiers and seized two more in a cross-border raid July 12, which sparked 34 days of fighting that ended Aug. 14. Five other Israeli soldiers were killed as they pursued the militants back into Lebanon.
"We did not think, even 1 percent, that the capture would lead to a war at this time and of this magnitude. You ask me, if I had known on July 11 ... that the operation would lead to such a war, would I do it? I say no, absolutely not," he said in an interview with Lebanon's New TV station.

Good. Good. Good. If you retaliate ten-fold when you are picked on, maybe you won't be picked on again in the future. A very logical conclusion if you ask me.

Cut It The #$%& Out!

Listen you stupid Muslim terrorists, and you ARE terrorists...not "freedom fighters". What is your obsession with jets and airliners? Why can't you quietly infiltrate America's borders and start blowing up Wal-Marts and country music radio stations? Then you might get some people on your side. I have to fly to Atlanta in a few weeks and now I have to check my damn luggage or buy my "personal items" while I'm there. Jesus, I can't take water on the plane or a Diet Coke, gel shoe inserts, shampoo, toothpaste and God knows what else. Pretty soon we're going to check everything and just ride the plane in the buff - which might be pretty cool except I always end up next to a Rosie O'Donnel type instead of a Jessica Alba type. This is a SNAFU anyway you look at it. They are saying vital medication and baby formulas are OK. Oh, OK, well - what's stopping Al-Assid-Fu-Q from mixing up a batch of Carnation's Big Gaping Hole in the seat right in front of me? Really?! I mean I just read this morning where our x-ray machines cannot detect shoe explsoives - yet I STILL have to take my shoes off as a precaution. Against what? To make sure I don't bring down the plane with my bunion? Stop, or I'll rub my athlete's foot all over the captain! Get serious. It said that an explosive the size of a shoe insert no thicker than 1/4 inch COULD NOT be detected and it's enough to bring down a plane. Why are we reporting this in the media? I did NOT need to know this. However, Affer-Um-Ug-Li was very happy to read that last night. The entire airline industry is totally F'd up right now. We're going to end up being like Israel and questioning each person for an hour after probing their ass to ask them why they want to go to Disney World. Listen, I have a serious 2 part solution to this problem. Dead serious - I'm not kidding. Why won't it be implemented? Because it makes too much sense, that's why.

Number 1: Raise the price of friggin tickets and HIRE and TRAIN competent people to do the searches and x-rays. I've flown 20+ times since 9/11 and only 1 guy impressed me as giving a shit. Really, most people checking IDs in the line are fine if you just wave it at them. Not one person ever looked at my ID and then really looked at me to make sure it was me. NOT ONE! Listen, if you want to fly to Las Vegas or Orlando or Italy...you are not going to care one bit if they raise the price $100 per ticket. If you are going, you are GOING. Nobody stopped driving when gas went from $1.50 to $3.25 - so why would people stop flying if Orlando cost $325 instead of $150? People fly for convenience (that's a joke in itsef), you have to pay for convenience. Nobody is going to take this seriously until it happens again. We still don't check every checked bag from what I understand. We need to pay these people like they are high profile professionals. We need to test them and if they fail - they are fired - easy as that. No union bullshit. You miss something on a realtime test, you are fired....you wanna see people take their job seriously? Do that. Raise prices and PAY THEM!

Number 2: We need to devise a system that will make 95% of Americans "Safe Flyers". What does that mean - only a small percentage of Safe Flyers would ever be searched at random. They can check stuff but they wouldn't get pulled out of line for extensive hand searches and stuff. How would we do this? I don't know...get a good economist like Steven Levitt, the author of "Freakonomics" to devise a system where if you are 3rd generation born here and have been steadily employed for 5 years and own property - or something else like you have flown 25 times in the past for the same business...you can file a form where you will be checked out ONCE by a committee of agencies....it might even take a year to clear...but once you clear...you're in the clear! Abu-Basi-Gote-Effer moves here after his student Visa expires...you check his ass out EVERY single time he flies..top to bottom...tear the bags apart...you have time since you saved time by not searching everyone who has the Safe Flyer card.

Is that profiling? You bet your sweet ass it is. If a lion rips somebody to shreds in a zoo, you don't start punishing the otters. I fear we won't take this problem seriously until something happens involving planes again. I hope I'm wrong.

Funny, Berg Doesn't Sound French

I put this idiot's picture in the "left" column because that's where he is most comfortable. Let me introduce you to Michael Berg - father of beheaded American Peter Berg. al-Zarqawi killed his son with his own hands. He also beheaded another American, a Mr. Armstrong. Here is the difference between Armstrong's family comments and Berg's:

"An evil man is dead, and what more can you say?" said family spokeswoman Cyndi Armstrong, the wife of the slain contractor's cousin. Michael Berg, a pacifist who is running for Delaware's lone House seat on the Green Party ticket, said al-Zarqawi's death is likely to foster anti-American resentment among al-Qaida members who feel they have nothing left to lose. Berg said the blame for most deaths in Iraq should be placed on President Bush, who he said is "more of a terrorist than Zarqawi." "Zarqawi felt my son's breath on his hand as held the knife against his throat. Zarqawi had to look in his eyes when he did it," Berg added, pausing to collect himself. "George Bush sits there glassy-eyed in his office with pieces of paper and condemns people to death. That to me is a real terrorist."

I can't even reconcile that statement in my head. Had that been my son I would have pulled a Pat Tillman and been over there ASAP. If the Army wouldn't have taken me, I would have went to a surrounding country and entered Iraq myself. If I ended up dead - at least I ended up dead trying to avenge my son's brutal murder. War is part of life. Always has been - Always will be. I respect his right to have an opinion.....even if his opinion makes me want to puke. My opinion is that Mr. Berg should pack up his bags and move to Paris.

Terror Plot Thwarted Through Clip Art?

Be afraid. Be very afraid. We hear all the time on the news how a simple prop in a terrorist video or a single word in a press release can trigger an attack. Terrorists are very adept at using symbols and signals. I may have uncovered a local plot myself. A little background first. My office likes to eat Chinese food on Wednesdays. I've included the front and back pages of the menu from our closest provider of oriental cuisine. Well, Ok, we call it Chinese, but as you can see from the menu - they serve szechuan, hunan and cantonese. Needless to say, it's an oriental establishment.....or is it? Maybe they are North Korean and hate all Americans? Look at the cover of the menu. Do you see anything odd? At first glance, it looks like every other oriental takeout menu in the US. You have the "all you can eat" price, the frolicking Panda bears on a fan and the obligatory oriental symbols which could say "Die a horrible death you filthy American, you" for all we know. Now, look near the top at the chef/waiter. First of all, he doesn't look oriental to me. He's chubby and he has round eyes. Also, notice the duplicity - he's wearing a chef's hat, yet he's carrying the tray like a waiter would. Interesting. Lastly - look what's on the tray for God's sake. It's a....it's a....chinese rootbeer float? WTF? And a sandwich? And what's the other item? I can't even tell. Creamer? Sugar? For what? This chubby round-eyed profession confused "spy" is delivering a bologna sandwich and rootbeer float - there is no need for either creamer OR sugar. You figure it out. I can assure you, there is no sandwich on this menu. And not only are there no floats, there are no beverages. Hmmmmmm. How can I tell it's a sandwich and not a burger? Fool! It's cut in half! That's an obvious clue. While A&W serves rootbeer floats, they do not serve sandwiches. To me, this is a clue about an establishment that serves both floats AND sandwiches. Let's turn our attention now to the back page of the menu. You guessed it, the lunch specials. Here you will find things like Moo Shu Pork, General Tso's Chicken and......singing tomatos? Three of them....with nine musical notes. That's 3 notes each and I'm positive that's significant. I'm not sure about you, but I've eaten about 1,132 chinese meals since 1990. Not once have I come across a tomato. Why not singing water chestnuts? Why not, indeed. There is also a single tomato prominently featured on the front of the menu, yet strangely enough, it is not singing. In fact, it appears to be unanimated. Does "unanimated" equate to dead? And what of the onion? Oh, how I wish I had paid closer attention while my daughter was in her Blue's Clues years. Broccoli is also prominently featured on the cover. I don't know about you, but broccoli gives me gas. Tomatos signify something Italian to me when I see them on a menu. But, since there is no lasagna listed here, what should I assume? Surely the mafia of the boot country wouldn't have anything to do with this sinister plot? Yes, this menu rivals the Dead Sea Scrolls for it's complexity and leaves many questions unanswered. For instance, notice they open at 11:00 AM but the Lunch Buffet doesn't start until 11:15 AM. I'm going down there tomorrow, incognito, to see what happens if I order the Lunch Buffet at 11:08 AM. Will the cashier give me a knowing wink and assume I'm in on the plot? Why did they choose to add another line under "Only $5.25" for "Take Out Lunch Buffet $5.25"? Why not just say "Also Available To Go"? I'll tell you why...they needed to get the words "Take Out" on the menu because it's part of their evil plot. While an untrained eye might not catch it, I was quickly able to unscramble the name of the establishment "Panda Pavilion" to get part of the message: "Di Paopl in a van". So, for the unfortunate who cannot see through this cloak and dagger menu - let me translate it for you. On the day of 5/25, sometime between 11:00 and 11:15 AM, a slightly chubby man who may or may not be wearing a chef's hat but will have round eyes, will smash a van loaded with gas right into the local Friendly's through the TAKE OUT window while screaming "Die People". If you "sing" about this plot to anyone, 3 guys from the Chinese Mafia will make sure you end up unanimated by putting 3 bullets each right into your onion. Case Closed.