FAN: Moss at Ground Zero

There's been a ton of debate recently about potentially having moss at ground zero. Some folks are up in arms about it and some say that moss at ground zero proves how tolerant we can be. I thought it was time for Steel City Slant to weigh in on this subject.

I am firmly in the corner of Roberto "No Moss" Duran. I try to be an equal opportunist with horticulture but eff me moss is annoying. My yard has numerous mature trees providing plenty of summer shade, but it also provides optimal growing conditions for moss on my not so flat paver patio....and let me tell you something, moss is as slippery as owl shit when it's wet. Little patches of moss sprout up all the time on my patio. You know what I do to them? I kill those bastards. I don't use the wimpy "Round-Up" made for dandelions either. I use poison ivy and small brush killer. I don't use a single spray either. I apply the killing agent liberally. After I'm done with a round of moss killing, there's no doubt in my mind they'll dry up into a yellowish brown mess and turn to dust in a week which can easily be swept away.

I don't know why people think it's OK for moss to grow at ground zero. One summer I didn't keep the moss under control and it just spread and spread all over my property. I had a hell of a time beating it back once I realized what was going on. I think ground zero should be kept as sterile as possible. Heck, if moss starts growing there, you could have anti-moss types protesting every day. That would make it uncomfortable for folks who just want to go and pay their respects to the innocent people who lost their lives there that day. I used to walk to lunch down a street that had a Jewish business on one side and a Palestinian one on the other. For a year straight there were protesters on both sides of the street shouting and yelling insults back and forth at each other. We can't have that at ground zero.

The prediction I'll make is this, if moss starts growing there it won't be long before commercial weed control trucks start showing up trying to kill it. Is it idealistically wrong to not want moss at ground zero? Probably, yes. Do I want moss at ground zero? No. Hell no.

FAN: I Blame Country Music

These kids are listening to country music and it distorts their decision making process.

FAN: Elena Kagan, Patton Oswalt - Separated At Birth?

Separated At Birth?

FAN: Tiger Woods Picture Of The Year

FAN: Oil Spill Plug

So I read a comment on a Justin Bieber post over at That's Church and it made me laugh so hard I've been telling a lot of people about it....the comment simply said "They should try plugging the oil leak with Justin Bieber".

My daughter fits this idiot's demographic but thankfully she hates him. Her entire little crew does so he's fair game to make fun of in my house. SHe thought it was hilarious too. To honor the comment a bit more, I'll list some things they could try plugging it with that wouldn't bother me.

Joran Van DerSloot

Joran Van DerSloot's mother (Hey, I blame her for ever marrying his tool of a dead Dad)

Keith Olbermann, the pompous snit

The cast of Twilight

The Baltimore Ravens minus Michael Ohler because my daughter loves him. I refused to watch the movie for the longest time because I can't like a Raven. I watched it. I still hate him. This includes all past Ravens, coaches, front office people, receptionists, janitors, equipment managers, turf team, refreshment stand workers, security guards, ticket takers....and all of their parents as well.

Creed

Charlie Sheen's wife for potentially ruining my Monday nights

Dave Matthews

and anybody in his band

Lady Ga Ga and Christina Aguilera

Huh? Oh, I meant I want to watch them wrestle in oil

Bill Weir, I just don't get him or his popularity

The Situation, I don't even know who the guy is and I can't identify him but if I have to read his name one more time.....

The old bat female judge on So You Think You Can Dance with the Botox Joker smile who can't stop laughing

Everybody all together now....."TOM BRADY"

hmmmmm, let's try 3 more

Dane Cook

Can I say Creed twice? No? Ok then Scott Stapp

Pete Wentz

Who do you want to plug it with?

FAN: Epic Math FAIL

Forgive me for the following stereotype non politically correct thingy I'm going to say, but I thought Asians in general were supposed to be good at math? I seriously once read if you are in a math class or a scientific class and it's graded on a curve and it is full of Asians - run and drop the course. I'm not making that up!

So what brings this on? After just writing about being made to feel like an idiot while in line - I turned the tables on somebody Sunday night. I went back to Home Depot for the 37th time since the bathroom remodel began to buy a piece of trim. No silly, not that kind of trim. You can't buy that legally in PA.....unless dinner counts as payment? Anyway, I knew I needed a piece exactly 90 inches long and I picked out a piece that you pay for by the linear foot.

The lines were long in the main part of the store so I thought I would go pick out an extra Sheppard's hook and check out in the garden section. Well, the young Asian man who checked me out must have been about 22 or so and he seemed disgusted that I brought building materials down to gardening to checkout. Now, would the main floor be mad if I bought some bush up there? No. So gardening shouldn't be mad if I buy some wood or trim down there. Damn. So he said "we don't have the visual vertical tape down here to measure it". I said no problem, mate, it's exactly 90 inches, I cut it myself to size. He stared at his register looking like a 16 year old at McDonald's looking for the picture of the Big Mac. He sighed. He looked at the person working the other register and said "how do I do feet?". The person said "What?" and he said "oh never mind I have my phone."

At this point I'm lost because I thought he didn't know how to key it into his system. He stopped, pressed some keys on his phone, frowned, then looked at me and said "so you don't know how many feet it is?" I said yes, it's 7 1/2 feet. "Thanks! I needed the feet number, you can't key in inches. I couldn't remember how to do it".

Ladies and gentlemen, he wasn't even embarrassed. It's not like he forgot how to spell embarrassed. It's not like he couldn't remember who the last 10 Popes were. It's not like he couldn't name every element in order. I have to assume the man knows there are 12 inches in a foot. So either he didn't know that A. division was the required operation or B. he just couldn't divide 90 by 12 in his head.

I said "If it doesn't take inches how do you put in the half foot?" I was assuming that you just pay for 8 even if you bought 7 1/2. If it were my store, 7 feet 1 inch would equal 8 feet. Or, maybe they actually divide the per foot price by 12 for each inch but I doubt it. He replied, "I just put in 7 feet."

God help us. My daughter is 10. She can convert mostly all English units of measurement. Time, weight, liquid ounces, distance...... Home Depot needs some Home Schooling. They measured all of their IQ's. They were pretty Lowe's. Booooooooooooo.

FAN: Bret Michaels Brain Hemorrhage Cause

People have such short memories. They will eventually forget about Ben's suspension. Bret Michaels apparently suffered a massive brain hemorrhage. Nobody knows why. I do! Click Here. How fast people forget. Maybe Trump made him think too hard on Celebrity Apprentice. I shouldn't make fun of this as it's pretty serious - but that's what we do here isn't it? The man is not very smart. I watched one episode and stamped him with an IQ of about 87. Just sing Bret, the good Lord did not put you on the planet to think.

FAN: Suicide IS The Answer

I don't feel passionately about suicide one way or the other. I don't think you should do it over a member of the opposite sex, but if you want to whack yourself...who am I to say you shouldn't? HOWEVER, if anyone on the planet should commit suicide....it's this guy.

FAN: Wash That Stank Off

No, this is not a Tiger or Ben post although I get it if you think it is. I was picking up my shirts at the local dry cleaner's and I was shooting the shit with the owner. An older gentleman walked in and by older I just mean older than me (41). I'm guessing he was Stilladog + 5 years of age. The girl said "....and how do you like your shirts again?". He said and I kid you not - "heavy heavy heavy starch." Wow. I guess he likes that tight polished look, good for him. Then he continued.... "yes, that way I can wear them four times before I need to bring them back."

Dude. Do not bring "the funk" into the work place. It's the worst. We expect it from some. Heck I work with a guy who I swear smells like he ate a 14" salami right before coming to my desk, but for all that is good and holy, please do everything you can not to smell at work. Four days? With a nice crisp shirt? I will give you two if it's heavy material and doesn't wrinkle. I have a few oxfords like that. But even still, I'm not a fan of putting on a shirt that I've already worn to work one day. I get dressed at 6:00 and undressed at 5:00. That's eleven hours.

Don't get me wrong - I'll wear the same exact hoodie Monday evening through Friday evening after work. I wore the same t-shirt on Sunday working in the bathroom that I already wore all day Saturday working in there. It's not about that, it's about the audience. I've worn jeans that can almost stand up on their own, but not to work. Come on, dude.

FAN: Tiger Woods Press Conference Hides Behind Olympics

Did anyone else think Tiger's suit jacket was huge? As soon as I saw a picture and then the clip, I immediately thought of David Byrne in his large white suit from the 1980's. The thing that's weird to me is I keep hearing that two ex Bush advisors staged the entire event. Was there a reason to not have him looking like a million bucks? I think they tried to make him not as "slick". It helped the cause to have him seem less than perfect.

The other thing that's very obvious to me but I didn't see or hear anyone else raise the issue - he did it on a Friday, during the day, DURING THE OLYMPICS. He'll be overun on sports pages, clips and websites. Very smart. Very calculating. Very Tiger. He's not sorry. He's sorry he got caught. I say who cares? He's still a golf machine.

FAN: Good News Out Of Snow

An article I just read about how the East Coast got pummeled with snow said and I quote:

"...but it wasn't all bad. There hasn't been a homicide in Washington DC in a week."

That made me laugh. I don't know why.

FAN: Driving By Periscope

I swear I passed a car worse than this on my way to work this morning. Local schools had a 2 hour delay for around 2 inches of snow which is idiotic in it's own right, but damn these kind of people piss me off. A car is designed to pretty much give a 360 degree view of your surroundings. This sap has about 17 degrees available. What is the cost of time versus the danger of driving like that? I seriously wish the police would be out on days after snow just begging for people like this to drive around. It's worse than speeding! I clear the top of my car off as well so I don't drop it on the guy behind me once I'm finally able to get up to speed. I just can't believe how lazy we are as a nation. Are we lazy? Is it apathy? What is it? It bugs me. I bet you $1,000 the Amish knock all the snow off their horses before they drive in the snow. You know what's worse? The driver was probably texting and eating at the same time.

FAN: Posh Mantis

Look, I like to post pictures of hot women, but Posh Spice has gone to pot.....or coke. On American Idol this week I couldn't stop looking at her. She is fascinatingly weird looking. I think she was way more attractive 8 years and 20 pounds of meat ago. Kara looks so much healthier than her. Ew. Like a big bug. Seriously, not a good look for her at all.

FAN: Pat Robertson Responds To 6.1 Aftershock - Shakira's Fault

Pat Robertson continued his hate tirade this morning. After learning of Haiti's 6.1 Wednesday morning aftershock, Robertson was quick to study the latest media trends and came away from it with a new revelation. "Shakira Caused This!" Robertson has declared.

Robertson's sleuthing methods have been uncovered. He dove headfirst into the world of social media to see who has been helping the Satan saved Haitians. After absorbing the information Pat decided that Shakira appearing on Oprah and pleading for help was the swizzle stick that stirred this particular drink. Let me repeat, it had nothing to do with yours truly wanting the hottest picture to post here. This was the work of Pat Robertson.

Robertson equated Shakira's hips with Beezlebub and admitted that he himself has been in a Shakira induced "hip trance" which he saw "on the YouTube". The trick uncovered was that Shakira helped send aid to the area and then unleashed yet another earth quake while the aid workers were there. He likened the plot to 9/11 where the first plane striking the towers brought the crowds in to see the second one happen live.

"Shakira needs to be stopped. It's that simple" said Robertson. Asked what you can do to help, he continued "Bring her to me. I can help her. It would be good if you could restrain her first." Asked how he can help Pat explained how he could give her a religious experience that would change her ways and make her act and dress more like "a lady" instead of "the damned devil". He explained his methods further - "it's a three step process, first the prayers, then what they call chloroform and if she still resists, the Holy roofies will be administered." Roberts claims a night alone with him will make the devil hips jump right out of her.

We can only hope.

FAN: Interesting Tactic To Try If Pulled Over

This lady might be worse than our old Japanese friend at the airport.

I forgot to write about it, but on my way up to NH for Thanksgiving, I was caught by a hiding trooper doing 81 mph in a 65 zone. Whatever. He had his trunk up so you couldn't tell he was PO-lice. Anyway, what would have happened if I reacted like this......

FAN: Idiot Local News

Ya know, I blame the networks when as a family we're watching a television show at 8 pm and they run a commercial for a rated 'R' horror movie. I can't stand it. Just what a 10 year old girl needs to see before going to bed. Heck, just what a 41-year-old chicken man needs to see before he goes to bed! Safe to say that when I notice it, we are watching something that can appeal to many age groups. Deal Or No Deal used to do it. American Ido used to do it.

Well tonight, at 8:30 pm, right smack dab in the middle of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer in the Philly area on CBS....they do a 15 second local news teaser after the commercials where the girl says and I quote...ahem...."Tonight at 11, the gruesome story of a 100-year-old woman who was strangled and the surprising suspect...".

It's closing in on Christmas, the girls baked Christmas cookies today, we're sitting on the couch enjoying Bumble and the Elf Boss and Charlie in the Box....and then BAM!...Lucy has some 'splainin' to do. "Yes, honey, there are terrible people in this world who do not respect life one little single bit. What's that? No honey, Daddy doesn't know why anybody would strangle a 100-year-old lady." All the while in the back of my head I'm thinking I can't wait until she's a little older - how much older I'm not sure - but old enough to hear what her old man really thinks about the piece of low life scumbag shitstain animal that did this.

Back to the real topic though...why, WHY did the network have to use that for a teaser while Rudolph was on? Is there not a Producer of some sort that makes these calls or looks to see what's on before running with a teaser? Are we that desensitised that kids aren't supposed to blink when they hear a fragile old woman was strangled? What's wrong with people? I don't want her to hear that one 30-year-old man strangled another 30-year-old man in a bar fight, let alone have her contemplate the senseless killing of some family's matriarch.

Like Dennis Leary says....Have a Merry Effing Christmas.

FAN: Tiger Shows True Stripes

I haven't watched Saturday Night Live in 15 years but I just bet you there's going to be a Nike commercial for "Just Do It" this weekend. What a horse's ass. All the money in the world. One of the most powerful people in sports. A wife that is like an angel so sweet you'd swear she was made out of cotton candy. Look at her! A beautiful child. Respect. All gone. Gone! G-O-N-E. For what? Some strange. McNair had to have it and it killed him. What if Elin chasing Tiger with a golf club caused him to crash so hard his head went through the windshield and he died. Can you imagine! What a fascinating way to go out. I hope sweet sweet Elin had a huge prenup. LOOK AT HER! Dear God. A swiss model/nanny and your child's mother - all traded in for a Las Vegas cocktail waitress. Cock and tail can only lead to divorce, my friend. Elin, that girl doesn't deserve her picture to be shown, the media whore. She can't compete with your toe jam. How stupid is Tiger to think she wasn't taping messages and keeping texts? All for what? Chris Rock nailed it. Men will do almost anything for NP.

FAN: Man or Woman

I gave blood today. I've been giving pretty regularly for the past 10 years or so. It makes me feel good the rest of the day, like I did my good deed. It always amazes me that the questions continue to change. I used to get a kick out of the verbal question "Have you ever paid for sex or traded sex for drugs, even once?" or something to that effect. I used to say "Does buying my wife dinner count?" and I would get a polite chuckle. That question has since been moved to the open laptop portion of the questioning. I just gave back in May and I swear I had a new question today. It was asked verbally too...not part of the laptop questioning...which made me think it was new as well. The question? "Were you born a male or a female?" Howard Stern has been talking a lot about Chaz Bono lately and I almost laughed when the woman asked me. I wanted to be witty with her but I could tell I was dealing with Ms. Blood herself so I better not be a wise acre, lest I find myself booted out.

FAN: Army Aunts

I don't have time to get into this entire story with all the details. I'm trying to get to bed early tonight as I'm driving back to the Steel Town area early Friday for my annual pilgrimage to Heinz Field with Still A Dog. I'll have a camera on hand and will post many pictures. This isn't about the Steelers, the Dog or Andy Griffith. This is about youth sports and why you have to be crazy to coach. We have 12 practices and 18 games. Including all the time driving to/fro, managing emails and other things, I'd say I have about 60-75 hours into this volleyball season. For free. Free time that I love. My running has suffered. My weight has suffered. The Slant has suffered. I do it because I really enjoy it. My group of girls are bad ass. Still A Stroke might have to change her name to Still A Serve as she was the best server on the floor tonight getting another 5 serve limit and two 3-point trips to the service line. So we're playing well as a team and we're a few games over .500 but on Sunday I had the craziest thing happen to me. When we got there another game was going on. A mom on my team who is a friend of ours from school and also a summer swim team member pointed out her sister-in-law to me. She was coaching the team on the floor. When we went out to play, the same coach took to operating the scoreboard. We played, we won, I rotated the girls in and out like I have all year to this point, we shook hands with the other team and before I could even go address my team and tell them all the positive feedback - this woman was in my face. I don't need to go word-for-word but in a nutshell she told me I wasn't coaching JV right. All the girls didn't get equal playing time. I told her I didn't have to. She said I left some girls in the entire game. I said "I know. That was my plan when I left my house. I have it all written down in my planner right here." She didn't appreciate my humor. She told me I HAVE TO play each girl equally. I told her that I didn't but thank you for making me miss talking to my girls as they had already scattered. I tried very hard to remain calm and polite as I knew it was her family but she didn't know we were good friends of HER sister-in-law. I knew what was up. She was mad that her niece didn't play as much as some of the other girls. She played exactly as much as 3 other girls. I even casually made reference to this during the discussion without singling her out. I said some of my girls come to everything and some have been to 4 out of 12 practices. Suck it, Aunt Bea.

She ruined my night. She ruined my wife's night...lol. I sent emails to my Parish VB Director and to the CYO District VB Director. They both had my back in a huge manner. The District VB Director has ref'd 4 of my matches and told me I was doing a very good job, the girls always seem to be having fun, I never yell and I clap and always say something positive. It made me tear up (lie). In fact, there is no rule. To be more clear, I only have to make an attempt TO PLAY each player although that would be frowned upon in JV. She played 50% of the match. Her and another girl shared a spot on the floor. Two others shared another spot. The other 4 spots are my regulars. I sent her mom an email just in case Crazy Aunty didn't tell her what she did. She did. And mom got beer muscles I guess as her email made it clear she wasn't happy with snowflakes time either. Funny because after game 2 and in another email I said what my policy was and told people to approach me with problems. Attendance counts. My Director sent me the form all parents signed to join VB. Item #2 said Volleyball is a team sport. While the coach will make attempts to get everyone sufficient playing time, poor attendance will result in a loss of playing time. BINGO! Now I was really armed.

If you don't know me, I'm always right. So is Still A Dad. When we're not sure, we're right. When we KNOW we're sure.....poor you. POOOOOR YOU. I emailed mom back armed with my bazooka and asked her to please forward it to Aunt Bea. I also included in the email stats from my attendance sheet that I keep. I love stats. There are lies.....damn lies......and statistics. Out of 12 practices and 13 games to date she came to 4 and 8 for a total of 12. That's the worst attendance on the team yet I still put her in for 50% of the game, the same as some other players with far better attendance. How much better? Well, in 10th place on my team, a girl was at 7 and 9 for 16. Worst is 12. One slot up is 16! The girl with the 2nd worst attendance is still there 33% MORE than snowflake. Sigh. The top 5 girls are at 25, 24, 23, 23, 22. Get over yourself. You play two sports and this is #2 on your priority list. There's no shame in that. You just don't know where to be and what to do, you're clearly a liability on the floor and you shouldn't and won't play as much. Mom got the email and sent back a reply as sweet as one of Aunt Bea's pies. Mom clearly didn't know the stats until I enlightened her. I guess she realized to some girls on my team Volleyball is their #1 priority, like soccer is snowflake's. If Stroke signs up for something, she's going. Not when it's convenient, not when TV isn't good, not when she's bored.....she's going unless she's too ill to go to school. Learn responsibility and committment early kiddies - it will pay off HUGE in future endeavors. We all work and we all know that one guy or gal who just can't be relied upon. Shows up at 9:30, sick all the time, always leaving for this or that, always has car trouble....funny how dark clouds just hover over some people isn't it?

Some problems in life are clearly nails and need to be solved with a big heavy......calculator.

FAN: Coaching Parents

True story coming up, I swear. Last weekend was a busy one for my volleyball team. We had a practice on Saturday, a home doubleheader on Sunday and an away game on Monday night that was pretty far away. I only have 11 girls and you need 6 to start. Without 6, you have to forfeit. Since Monday's game was so far away (about a 45 minute drive in traffic) I wanted to find out who was coming so I could persuade the others to come if I didn't have 6. I've been asking for YES/NO replies along the way since the season started. For one other game, I only had 5 YES replies, sent an email asking for more, then went to 6, then 7, then 6, then 7 and finally 8. Parents are hilarious....and nuts. Anyway, I sent an email out on Friday to the team parents saying exactly this: "I need your help on our upcoming schedule. I do not need to know if you are coming to practice on Saturday. What I do need to know is if you are planning to attend the matches on Sunday and especially Monday. If we need to forfeit I want to do it before 5 families make the drive." My Blackberry buzzed not 5 minutes later with my first response which read "Sally will be at practice on Saturday." Sigh.