Best Line From Disney

Not sure how I forgot this gem, but my wife reminded me yesterday: As we were walking away from The Tower of Terror on Thursday - a mom was pushing her toddler in a stroller. The little girl was crying and without breaking stride the mother kind of leaned forward and said "I will park this stroller and let someone else take you home". Nice. Now this woman didn't look like a crack whore either. She didn't have smeared lipstick, a haircut from 1984 and she wasn't poorly dressed. She didn't look like a Jerry Springer mom to me....just a normal suburban mom with no parenting skills. They were on display everywhere. God help us all.

Who Allowed This?

What is this, a porn company? Not quite, in fact it's the farthest thing from it. At Disney's Hollywood Studios (the old MGM Park) there is a comedic film crew that just sits in the middle of the road riffing on people all day long. I would be PERFECT for that job, but it appears to be taken. Anyway, the name of their film company is "In The Can". How on Earth did the marketing folks let that one slide through? It reminds me of WDVE's old bit on Dicken's Cider....some people even like it, in the can.

Aerolift

Hey Boys and Girls, here's a fun way to spend the day - be in line with your daughter for Aerosmith's Rockin' Roller Coaster and see over a wall on a ramp flashing lights. On closer inspection, it's a firetruck, police car, ambulance and EMT SUV...all with blinking lights. "What's wrong, daddy?" she said just from seeing the look on my face. "Nothing, are you excited?" I asked trying to change the subject since she couldn't see over the wall. Well, the helicopter landing behind the building blew my cover.....standing on my tip-toes I saw them wheel a gurney towards the flying machine. Egad. Now Lucy had some splainin' to do. I told her it might have nothing to do with the ride and that it probably didn't since we were still moving in line. It could be someone who just felt faint...a bump on the head....who knows....bee sting! Inside, my anxious heart was going about 180 bpm. I couldn't wait to get back to the room to see a headline on CNN like "Healthy 39-year-old Dreams On after riding Aerosmith Coaster". Didn't see anything so I guess nothing serious happened. Still, reading that in the paper and being in line while it's happening and seeing it are two TOTALLY different animals. When I got back I still did a Wikipedia search on Disney "accidents" and it's quite a good read. They actually have a very good record. Think about the number of riders per day on the main attractions. It's not like toddlers drop dead on Winnie The Pooh or anything. We had an excellent day today - we (my little thrill seeker and I, not mommy) rode The Tower of Terror for the first time. What a feeling to have your ass leave your seat for a full 3-4 seconds before finding it again. Some dude screamed "Oh Shit" three rimes during the ride and usually I say something in situations such as those but homeboy made three of me so I made like Paul McCartney and Let It Be. We saw The Muppet show again even though we saw it the last time we were here because we're such big fans. We staked out our territory on the road to see High School Musical and my little princess was plucked out of the crowd to help shake salt-n-pepper maracas to the song in the kitchen from part II. She also went back out to dance to "We're All In This Together" so she got to feel a little like she was in the limelight twice. Sweet. Holy cow, I miss my bed...and one of my two cats. Wanted the second I get home tomorrow late afternoon? A pizza from our local pizzeria. Mars needs women....Disney needs good pizza.

Disney Quest

We checked out Disney Quest last night for the first time. I have to say, we had a blast. We did several virtual reality rides like Aladdin's Magic Carpet and Pirates of the Caribbean where we manned cannons and steered the ship. They had a station where you created a roller coaster and then got in a small capsule that actually played out your roller coaster with corkscrews and loops included. The guy let me watch my wife and daughter's capsule while they rode their coaster. It was amazing to watch the thing spin and rotate. We could see their faces on a monitor. After the ride you could purchase the video of the track synced up with the video of their faces from the ride. When I watched mine it was hilarious because I was wearing a dog tag and it kept flipping down and as we were righted - it would get stuck on my ear! We played an asteroid game where you drove a bumpercar that sucked up asteroids under the car and then you grabbed them inside the car to feed into a cannon....then you shot other cars. You could build a toy from Toy Story with different bodies, heads, arms...etc....and then actually purchase the toy you created from the game kiosk. There are 5 floors with different sections to each floor. We were there for close to 3 hours and I'm not sure we did everything. My daughter came in second out of 12 people on the ride displayed here....a sort of human pinball hockey game and I won a race of 8 NASCAR drivers on the sitdown driver game where all the sitdown games were linked up. There was an "old school" room with the classics and one of my favorites was there - "Tron", but it wasn't working. Tron was in a cleaners on my paper route when I was a youngster and if I made $20 a week I put $18 of it back into Tron. What a hi-low to see it and not be able to play it. Maybe I'll have to seek it out on Ebay and add it to my basement Blasteroids.

Typhoon Lagoon, I'm Blind

Ok, I'm 39, I'm 6 feet and change and I weigh between 185-195 depending on the season and soemtimes I feel weird going shirtless in public. Everyone is usually hesitant when wearing beach attire in public - unless you're Amanda Beard or someone - but I've now decided after looking over the crowd yesterday at Typhoon Lagoon that my slight ice cream overhang should no longer concern me in the least. We belong to a pool in our neighborhood in the summer and I have to say that the difference between the crowd there and at Disney is night and day. I actually lost my appetite yesterday which is very rare. For every beach beauty, there were 50 people that should have been completely covered up. What's weird is that it seemed like the bigger the belly on the men, the smaller the trunks were. There was more cottage cheese on the women than at a Wisconsin convention. Is self pride a thing of the past? I mean what the heck? With all the information out there about health and nutrition, I can't understand for the life of me what's going on inside some people's heads. Here's a newsflash - if you are a man and your stomach measurement is more than 4" greater than your waist size...please do us all a favor and wear big baggy swimming trunks and put the Speedos back in 1975 where they belong. I kid you not, while in the wave pool, my eight year old daughter looked at me and said "some guys should wear bras". She cracks me up and is certainly my daughter. Also, to the woman who was right beside us with the hairy armpits.....it's 2008, shave those things or don't lay with your arms crossed above your head. To me, that's just begging for attention. Also - what's up with these parents who put suntan lotion on their kids and then send them into the water 4 seconds later? Read the label folks.....it don't work that way. No wonder there were 3,127 little kids running around looking like Apache Indians.

The Found

Have no fear, Roo and Owl have been found. They were hiding in Great Britain eating Fish-n-Chips and having a pint. Funny because we went in a lot of stores today.....a lot.....and I saw them in one place only. They weren't big either. In the same display were large Poohs, Tiggers, Eors and Piglets. If I were these two dudes - I would be "royally" pissed (sorry). Look at the characters that Disney trots out to sign autographs...for Christ's sake....four years ago we waited in a line to get the damn mice from Cinderella...the MICE! I simply must look into the obvious effort to squash these few characters from Pooh. I should have something on this in the next week or so. The only reason I was able to post these pictures today was because I had my cell on me to await my call from Rio - a superb friend of mine from high school. We were in a garage band together that we called Melt Down. We were getting our families together to hang out and have some dinner. We had a great time. We ended up getting the giggles pretty bad in Norway after the ride when the girl scharted to tell us that a movie was next and if you didn't want to stay for the movie to proceed to the exit on the far side of the theater. I immediately went into schtick mode in order to amuse our group by saying things like "Woman from Norway, do not be offended that we do not care about your country or it's history...for we......" well, you get the point. We started to wonder if we would be shunned or looked upon unfavorably as we hurried for the exit......not so. As it turn out, 47 of the 50 people in room after the ride hurried for the exit. At that point, we started to wonder what the braided blond was thinking...."Wait, wait, please come back and schee our movie about our fishing....wait...". Ok, I just read that back and it's not even a little bit funny - yet, several hours and a few French beers ago it seemed hilarious. Lesson learned: Don't drink and mock the Norwegians. All-inall, a good day was had at Epcot. We rode Mission SPACE and our team won the race after the ride is over, Test Track, The Big Golfball Thingy, ate some brats in Germany, had some French desserts and beers, had some Margaritas in Mexico, saw the newer Nemo ride and walked around the acquarium....and had great conversation with folks we don't get to see often enough. Tomorrow: Typhoon Lagoon.

The Ignored

So I've been in Disney for two and a half days and I've seen 42 different Grumpy shirts....best one...."I'm bringing Grumpy Back". There are 52 mugs of Grumpy and 24 baseball hats. I bought a new Grumpy shirt myself this week - a baseball jersey. Cool stuff. What's really cool is that it has the #37 on the jersey which is the year Grumpy was "born". I also have the Kevin Smith View Askew hockey jersey with a #37 on it. If you don't know why 37 is associated with Kevin Smith, watch Clerks because I'm not going to tell you. Here's the thing, Grumpy didn't say much in that movie - and it was only one movie. How in the Hell did he get to be one of the top 5 marketed Disney characters? There are so many stuffed animals that the characters go very deep into some movies. We saw a float in the late parade last night that I'm embarrassed to say I didn't even know which movie it was from. It had a hippo in a tu-tu and I think an alligator. What did I miss? Anyway, I bring this up because today, for the first time ever - I saw a stuffed "Rabbit" from Pooh. My daughter never took to Pooh and didn't even want to ride the Pooh ride when we were here 4 years ago when she was age appropriate. For whatever reason, it just never clicked with her. Needless to say, I'm in the Disney store at the mall at minimum two times a month....at minimum -sometimes 3 or 4 as we like the food court for quick meals where everyone gets their choice and the Disney store is very close to it and I've enever seen any 'Rabbit" merchandise in there. . What does Rabbit have to do to raise his street cred? There are books on Pooh, movies, TV shows, specials.....yet have you ever seen a "Rabbit" Tee shirt? I haven't. Wasn't "Rabbit" a bit OCD? Always worried about stuff....always behind....always catching up... If Merck had a good marketing department maybe they'd get "Rabbit" to do some of their anxiety drug commercials. Lunesta has the cool butterfly....why not a sheep by the way......but "Rabbit" is underutilized. If memory serves, another character "Roo" was dropped for Disney's latest version of the TV show that started airing 4-5 years ago. There's something fishy going on with Pooh characters. How can Tigger and Eor have 10-12 different stuffed animals in one store yet Rabbit and Roo have zilch? I'm looking into this when I get home and have some time.......

Crazy People

We survived Magic Kingdom today. Survived is the operative word. The park was open until 2 AM today so we had a relaxing morning and didn't even head out until close to noon.

We ate breakfast, walked around the grounds and found all the cool stuff inside the lodge - even played some arcade games. Took the boat from Wilderness Lodge to MK which rocked....better than busing. At first the place was crazy and we waited in line for 60 minutes to ride Thunder Mountain, but after a solid lunch at Pecos Bill's, the crowd seemed to die down a little. The thing that gets me in these parks are attractions like The Hall of Presidents and The Haunted Mansion, which have "free for all" lines. Inside the Hall, we got there 15 minutes before the every half hour show. We walked over to the yellow line where the curtains would open to go in and sat down. There was about 3-4 feet between me and the line. As the doors closed and the crowd started to move towards the curtain, a couple in their early 50's probably zigged and zagged past everyone and walked right around us to proudly stand on the yellow line like they had conquered Everest. Think I kept my mouth shut? Nope. I said almost right into the guys ear "I love how we've been sitting here for 15 minutes and people don't even feel bad about walking around you." The guy never turned around to even make eye contact with me but he did mutter something. His wife didn't turn around either. Hopefully they felt bad about their behavior but I doubt it. At The Haunted Mansion, A mom around our age and her son were in line directly behind us. We even made small talk at one point about a hat somebody was wearing in front of us. When we got to the doors where a group of people go in at once - they moved to the side to sit on a rail. When the maid opened the door to go in, they hopped off of the rail and YUP, shimmied right past us to get in the door 3 seconds before us. At Stitch's Escape the dad in front of me and myself looked at each other in disbelief as 2 younger guys hopped past us right at the door entrance. The dad was southern and looked at me and said "It would be sad if I had to whoop somebody's ass right here in DisneyWorld. Word. He could've too, he was a big 'ole boy. What we're seeing is nothing short of weird. Parents screaming at kids, people going from ride to ride like their lives depended on something. Are they really enjoying themselves? My wife and I have as much fun observing other people as we do riding and seeing shows. We have an 8-year-old with us and we have a single backpack barely loaded and a teeny tiny sling camera bag with us. We keep passing people without kids who look like they're outfitted for a 2 month canoe trip down a river. I love people. I should have been a sociologist. We stayed for the evening parade of lights at 9 but skipped the 10 PM fireworks. That same show is at 9 another night this week so we'll go back. Animal Kingdom tomorrow and on Tuesday we're meeting Rio and his family in Epcot. I think there are some Rio stories on here from the past 2 years. I'll link them on Tuesday. We haven't seen him in 5-6 years. Fun will be had by all. He's currently flying to Rome...and not as a passenger...he's a commercial pilot. What a cool job. Makes mine look boring.

Wilderness Lodge

Have a magical day. I've heard it about 50 times in 24 hours so far. Trip is fine after day 1. I hate travel days, but with the exception of Kumar taking the bus line of Wilderness Lodge people to Animal Kingdom Lodge, everything has worked out so far. After we (I) corrected him, he still didn't believe us. Everyone backed me up and he showed his ticket to the guards at Animal Kingdom and they told him he was in the wrong place. So, after we were back out on the highway he says "So, we're supposed to go to "Animal Kingdom Lodge, right?" About 50 people in unison said "No!". We were in the first row. To the amusement of everyone, I said "You can tell us, is this your first day?". He laughed and said it was his first day on this run. Huh? There are only so many parks and resorts that the Disney buses even travel to with their Express Service. Anyway - we're here and having fun. Yesterday we checked in, went to dinner at Puck's place, shopped, came home and swam with the ducks in the hot springs pool which starts inside the lodge and then goes over a waterfall before draining into the pool. We crashed hard at 10 pm as we were all beat from getting up at 4 AM. More later.

Off To Orlando

Hopefully I'll have some funny Disney stories to tell during the week. Laptop is packed and ready to go. Nothing I like more than sharing a pool with lots of tubby people from other countries. Speaking of people from other countries, I like them and all.....but why do they mow their lawns in khakis and a golf shirt complete with "non" grass cutting shoes? Why? Why I ask you? Tonight going the back way to my house from work, there were two guys....both clearly not born here - well, that might not be true, but their Dads weren't born here - mowing their lawns wearing what they wore to work. What the truck? Go put on some raggedy shorts and an old T-Shirt and you'll fit in better. Better yet, put an ice cold brewskie in one hand while you're at it. And I know Dog, I pay a landscaper! But when I did do it myself, I wasn't out there in Polo chinos and an Alfani shirt with leather shoes on. I was wearing a 2000 NYC US Open T-Shirt and some pants I grew out of cut off into shorts with 8 colors of paint stains on them.....and a -4 generation of running shoes. Word.

Booty Booty Booty Booty Booty on the Flo

A nice Mash-Up video put to Disney animation.

Dying For Disney

Hey adventure seekers....come to Disney and ride Mission Space....it's a killer. It's now killed a second park visitor within the past 12 months. This one is a doozie! Disney was making room today to install the new warning sign that will be placed at the beginning of the attraction entrance. The sign reads: "Caution, this ride may be hazardous to your health. Please exit the line now if you have any of the following conditions - congestive heart problems, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, high sugar, a high forehead, hypertension, hyperthyroid, hyperextended knee, muscle spasms, muscle weakness, mucus leakage, headache, heartache, bellyache, hyperventilate, AIDS, MS, MD, ED, F ME, hangnail, ingrown toenail, ingrown hair, bad hair, bronchitis, gingervitis, arthritis, halytosis, herpes, crabs, clap, VD, ED, VC, Chinese, Japanese, Look at these, cavities, ulcer, cankor, rank odor, gout, hemmoroids, yellow belly, cavity, blemish, scratch, dry eye, misty eye, black eye, sore brown eye, blurry vision, double vision, circumcision, indecision.............we didn't start the fire.........it was always burin' since the world's been turnin'...... sorry, got on a little Billy Joel thing there...... anyway......

Who's the leader of the park that's killing you and me? M-I-C "see, I TOLD you we should have went to the Grand Canyon" K-E-Y "Why? WHY? Because the Grand Canyon doesn't have an attraction that pushes your pulse past where it was the first time you stuck your hand in the cookie jar......M-O-U-S........E. If you were grading this I'd get an "E". It's late and I've had a couple of beers so I hope you'll forgive me.

Disney Movie Club Full Of Pooh!

This is a lesson not so much in false advertising, but more along the lines of doing business in a dubious manner. My daughter belongs to the Disney movie club. You know the drill, it's one where you receive a few movies up front for shipping and handling charges only, then you purchase 4 movies at regular club prices and then you can choose to stay in the club or end your membership. We've been in for quite some time and they do run decent specials, but once the committment is made, you are better off just buying the movies at Wal-Mart or The Disney Store so you don't have to pay $3.99 for shipping. I received the latest card in the mail telling me what movie would be mailed to me if I didn't respond. I started to wonder if we had fulfilled the agreement but I couldn't find that information on the card. I went to the website and of course I had to enter my life history over 3 pages just so I could find out how to potentially quit. I saw nothing that said "You need to purchase x more movies" or "You have fulfilled your committment". I went to the FAQ and found WAY at the bottom that "periodically we will display on your mailing your committment status". Well, Thanks! Periodically? Why not every month? You cram enough offers in the envelope that I could light a fire for a week, but you can't tell me how many more movies I have to buy? I decided to check over the card 1 more time. This time I saw a little area where it said I was a VIP member. I had no idea what that meant. I went back to the FAQ and saw that VIP stood for "it has been at least 60 days since you completed your obligation". Perfect! I'm out. Now all I have to do is find the "Cancel Subscription" link. Well, they have a link for everything but cancelling. I go back to the FAQ and again, near the bottom, is the question "How do I cancel?". Of course, you cannot cancel online, you have to call a number. I call the number, and it's definitely a pattern now, there is no option to cancel. I followed the directions and drilled down about 3-4 times and was finally in the generic bin. After waiting on hold for what seemed like 15 minutes, a very cheerful "castmember" suddenly sounded like I shot her dog when I told her I wanted to leave the club. After trying to get me to stay, she relented and cancelled my subscription. What a nightmare! If signing up is as easy as clicking a button online - I see no reason why cancelling shouldn't be the same. But that would be too easy, wouldn't it?

Fairy Godmother Comes Under Heavy Scrutiny

My 6 year old daughter borrowed Disney's animated classic Cinderella when she was about 3 years old. We watched it numerous times on VHS and bought the Special Edition 2-dvd set when it came out in late 2005. The Disney channel broadcast the movie last night at 8 pm and it never ceases to amaze me that my daughter will sit through commercials to watch a movie on TV that we own on dvd. Only half paying attention, I grabbed my laptop and started to browse online. Mind you, I've probably seen this movie 10 times in the last 3 years and I've been familiar with the story my entire life. I can't believe I never questioned this before...was the Fairy Godmother good or evil? How can I ask that question? Simple. Ask yourself this: If the FG was so nice, why in Walt's name did she impose the midnight curfew? Why? Why, I ask you? Cinderella was cooped up in the attic with a dried up prune of a stepmom and two bitch on wheels step-sisters who tore her dress off so she couldn't go to the ball. I think the ball started at 8:00. So, with travel time by horse and carriage (and who knows what traffic was like back then or how far from the castle they lived) to get there and back - she really in essence gave her - what - about 90 minutes at the ball? Maybe 2 hours tops? She was setting her up to fail! If she was really looking out for her, wouldn't she give her the entire night...change her back around 6 AM? What if Cinderella got lucky and Prince Charming wanted to get busy? By the time they finally met, danced, got the small talk out of the way and tried to politely excuse themselves to the royal hot tub - she would have been out of time. I say the fix was in and the Fairy Godmother was actually an evil witch of some sort. Maybe when the 7 angry little people chased the Evil Queen (posing as the old hag) off the cliff in Snow White she landed safely in water and came back to haunt yet another young lady in distress since she failed with Snow White. By the way...if that Evil Queen in Snow White could cast spells and stuff, why was she running away from 7 dwarves? I mean really, what were they going to do to her? Bloody her shins? Sneeze on her to death? And another thing, if you're going to make a poison apple - make a poison apple! Don't make it put her to sleep, make it KILL HER. She sent the Huntsman to kill her the first time, not put her to sleep....why chicken out on the second attempt? Cartoon characters are maddening and don't really follow logic all that well. Stay tuned for my next Disney rant - why an elephant cannot possibly flap it's ears fast enough to get airborn.