DOG: A Day At The Pig Races!

Stilladog @ Pork Chop Downs

I could have titled this story several other things. Among them are, "A Weekend With The In-Laws" and "A Day At The Maryland State Un-fair." But I'm trying to focus on the positive here folks. The most fun I had all weekend was at the Pig Races (and pig swimming demonstration). So I'm going with that.

Yes I entertained my mother-in-law, brother-in-law, nephew, grandson, step-son, and daughter-in-law over the weekend. The only one missing was my sister-in-law (known on here as Dog-In-Law) but last I heard she was out in Kansas, or Oklahoma, or Little House on the Prairie somewhere. Their visit all went really well. But part of the entertainment was our trip to the Maryland State Un-fair.

I ain't a big Fair Person anyway, so why I thought it was a good idea to take everybody to the Maryland State Fair I don't know. If I ever suggest such a thing again, somebody just shoot me. I know why I thought it would be a good idea. I thought the kids, a pair of 3 year old boys, my nephew and grandson, would have a good time riding tractors and petting cows and riding rides and spending money on absolute stupid shit. And they did all that, and they did have fun.

The fair had a chainsaw carving demo, horse racing, and pig racing which were all things I knew I'd enjoy. So having a good time for everybody is what I thought we'd have. I am hearing my father's words in my head. "You know what Thought did, dontcha? He thought he had to fart and shit his pants!"

Soon as you come in they start hounding you to buy tickets to this and that and a subscription to the Baltimore Sun. The Sunpapers had gold and green mardi gras beads out so I grabbed one for each boy. Then the lady asked if I wasn't going to subscribe since I took her beads. I told her no I'm not going to subscribe. I went on to tell her that the Baltimore Sun sucks and I wait for the Carroll County Times to come out just so I can throw away my used crab shells because her paper is not worthy of the remnants of seafood. Then I added, "If you don't want people to take them, don't put them out!" I just got a couple for the little kids. It wasn't like I stashed them in my bag and was going to cruise the Midway asking women to show me their tits for a strand of beads like in New Orleans, geez. (Nice idea though!)

Next we went to the chainsaw carving. I was most interested in seeing this dude sculpt a pair of cowboy boots out of a chunk of a log using only about a dozen different chain saws. He was on a 3 foot elevated stage and had nylon mesh completely around his demo tent. Not many people were watching so I got up within about 5 feet of the stage and about 12 feet from where he actually was cutting. With nobody around that I could block anyone's view they asked me to step back from the demo area. I told them "Fuck you" and walked away.

So then we went over to the Pig Races where it was absolutely the highlight of the day. The Pigs had names like Nancy Piglosi, Brittney Spear-ribs, Brad Pigg, and Hillary RodHAM Clinton. It was funny as shit and the place was absolutely packed. The little pigs really run fast. The heavyweights just lumber out of the gate until one decides to take off and then the other pigs chase him. I bought pig noses for everyone. And knowing we were having boneless pork ribs for dinner, had a few jokes thrown in there too about whoever came in last place would be the first on my grill!

So after an hour of the pig races, I'm thinking it's time to go home and go "Whole Hog" on those pork ribs I had waiting in the fridge. But nope, we had to fish for toys first. Ok that's cool. So while the boys are fishing for plastic swords and stuffed animals I wander around. Just observing. Until I came to the basketball shoot. Lo and behold look what they have for prizes for making 3 baskets in a row. Limas Sweed and Willie Parker Steeler jerseys along with the excess inventory of Big Ben's (since I guess they're not the hot seller they once were). So I think, I'm going to take a picture of this, it'll make a great blog story. I shoot off the photo posted here and the dude tells me $2 to take a photo. Guess what? For the second time in two hours I told a complete stranger "Fuck you" and walked away.

Never take your in-laws to the state fair. In fact, if you ain't got prize livestock to show or the best rhubarb pie in the state, go someplace else for entertainment. The fair is just unfair... unless you want to see the Pig Races which I thoroughly endorse!