The Found

Have no fear, Roo and Owl have been found. They were hiding in Great Britain eating Fish-n-Chips and having a pint. Funny because we went in a lot of stores today.....a lot.....and I saw them in one place only. They weren't big either. In the same display were large Poohs, Tiggers, Eors and Piglets. If I were these two dudes - I would be "royally" pissed (sorry). Look at the characters that Disney trots out to sign autographs...for Christ's sake....four years ago we waited in a line to get the damn mice from Cinderella...the MICE! I simply must look into the obvious effort to squash these few characters from Pooh. I should have something on this in the next week or so. The only reason I was able to post these pictures today was because I had my cell on me to await my call from Rio - a superb friend of mine from high school. We were in a garage band together that we called Melt Down. We were getting our families together to hang out and have some dinner. We had a great time. We ended up getting the giggles pretty bad in Norway after the ride when the girl scharted to tell us that a movie was next and if you didn't want to stay for the movie to proceed to the exit on the far side of the theater. I immediately went into schtick mode in order to amuse our group by saying things like "Woman from Norway, do not be offended that we do not care about your country or it's history...for we......" well, you get the point. We started to wonder if we would be shunned or looked upon unfavorably as we hurried for the exit......not so. As it turn out, 47 of the 50 people in room after the ride hurried for the exit. At that point, we started to wonder what the braided blond was thinking...."Wait, wait, please come back and schee our movie about our fishing....wait...". Ok, I just read that back and it's not even a little bit funny - yet, several hours and a few French beers ago it seemed hilarious. Lesson learned: Don't drink and mock the Norwegians. All-inall, a good day was had at Epcot. We rode Mission SPACE and our team won the race after the ride is over, Test Track, The Big Golfball Thingy, ate some brats in Germany, had some French desserts and beers, had some Margaritas in Mexico, saw the newer Nemo ride and walked around the acquarium....and had great conversation with folks we don't get to see often enough. Tomorrow: Typhoon Lagoon.

The Ignored

So I've been in Disney for two and a half days and I've seen 42 different Grumpy shirts....best one...."I'm bringing Grumpy Back". There are 52 mugs of Grumpy and 24 baseball hats. I bought a new Grumpy shirt myself this week - a baseball jersey. Cool stuff. What's really cool is that it has the #37 on the jersey which is the year Grumpy was "born". I also have the Kevin Smith View Askew hockey jersey with a #37 on it. If you don't know why 37 is associated with Kevin Smith, watch Clerks because I'm not going to tell you. Here's the thing, Grumpy didn't say much in that movie - and it was only one movie. How in the Hell did he get to be one of the top 5 marketed Disney characters? There are so many stuffed animals that the characters go very deep into some movies. We saw a float in the late parade last night that I'm embarrassed to say I didn't even know which movie it was from. It had a hippo in a tu-tu and I think an alligator. What did I miss? Anyway, I bring this up because today, for the first time ever - I saw a stuffed "Rabbit" from Pooh. My daughter never took to Pooh and didn't even want to ride the Pooh ride when we were here 4 years ago when she was age appropriate. For whatever reason, it just never clicked with her. Needless to say, I'm in the Disney store at the mall at minimum two times a month....at minimum -sometimes 3 or 4 as we like the food court for quick meals where everyone gets their choice and the Disney store is very close to it and I've enever seen any 'Rabbit" merchandise in there. . What does Rabbit have to do to raise his street cred? There are books on Pooh, movies, TV shows, specials.....yet have you ever seen a "Rabbit" Tee shirt? I haven't. Wasn't "Rabbit" a bit OCD? Always worried about stuff....always behind....always catching up... If Merck had a good marketing department maybe they'd get "Rabbit" to do some of their anxiety drug commercials. Lunesta has the cool butterfly....why not a sheep by the way......but "Rabbit" is underutilized. If memory serves, another character "Roo" was dropped for Disney's latest version of the TV show that started airing 4-5 years ago. There's something fishy going on with Pooh characters. How can Tigger and Eor have 10-12 different stuffed animals in one store yet Rabbit and Roo have zilch? I'm looking into this when I get home and have some time.......

Crazy People

We survived Magic Kingdom today. Survived is the operative word. The park was open until 2 AM today so we had a relaxing morning and didn't even head out until close to noon.

We ate breakfast, walked around the grounds and found all the cool stuff inside the lodge - even played some arcade games. Took the boat from Wilderness Lodge to MK which rocked....better than busing. At first the place was crazy and we waited in line for 60 minutes to ride Thunder Mountain, but after a solid lunch at Pecos Bill's, the crowd seemed to die down a little. The thing that gets me in these parks are attractions like The Hall of Presidents and The Haunted Mansion, which have "free for all" lines. Inside the Hall, we got there 15 minutes before the every half hour show. We walked over to the yellow line where the curtains would open to go in and sat down. There was about 3-4 feet between me and the line. As the doors closed and the crowd started to move towards the curtain, a couple in their early 50's probably zigged and zagged past everyone and walked right around us to proudly stand on the yellow line like they had conquered Everest. Think I kept my mouth shut? Nope. I said almost right into the guys ear "I love how we've been sitting here for 15 minutes and people don't even feel bad about walking around you." The guy never turned around to even make eye contact with me but he did mutter something. His wife didn't turn around either. Hopefully they felt bad about their behavior but I doubt it. At The Haunted Mansion, A mom around our age and her son were in line directly behind us. We even made small talk at one point about a hat somebody was wearing in front of us. When we got to the doors where a group of people go in at once - they moved to the side to sit on a rail. When the maid opened the door to go in, they hopped off of the rail and YUP, shimmied right past us to get in the door 3 seconds before us. At Stitch's Escape the dad in front of me and myself looked at each other in disbelief as 2 younger guys hopped past us right at the door entrance. The dad was southern and looked at me and said "It would be sad if I had to whoop somebody's ass right here in DisneyWorld. Word. He could've too, he was a big 'ole boy. What we're seeing is nothing short of weird. Parents screaming at kids, people going from ride to ride like their lives depended on something. Are they really enjoying themselves? My wife and I have as much fun observing other people as we do riding and seeing shows. We have an 8-year-old with us and we have a single backpack barely loaded and a teeny tiny sling camera bag with us. We keep passing people without kids who look like they're outfitted for a 2 month canoe trip down a river. I love people. I should have been a sociologist. We stayed for the evening parade of lights at 9 but skipped the 10 PM fireworks. That same show is at 9 another night this week so we'll go back. Animal Kingdom tomorrow and on Tuesday we're meeting Rio and his family in Epcot. I think there are some Rio stories on here from the past 2 years. I'll link them on Tuesday. We haven't seen him in 5-6 years. Fun will be had by all. He's currently flying to Rome...and not as a passenger...he's a commercial pilot. What a cool job. Makes mine look boring.

Wilderness Lodge

Have a magical day. I've heard it about 50 times in 24 hours so far. Trip is fine after day 1. I hate travel days, but with the exception of Kumar taking the bus line of Wilderness Lodge people to Animal Kingdom Lodge, everything has worked out so far. After we (I) corrected him, he still didn't believe us. Everyone backed me up and he showed his ticket to the guards at Animal Kingdom and they told him he was in the wrong place. So, after we were back out on the highway he says "So, we're supposed to go to "Animal Kingdom Lodge, right?" About 50 people in unison said "No!". We were in the first row. To the amusement of everyone, I said "You can tell us, is this your first day?". He laughed and said it was his first day on this run. Huh? There are only so many parks and resorts that the Disney buses even travel to with their Express Service. Anyway - we're here and having fun. Yesterday we checked in, went to dinner at Puck's place, shopped, came home and swam with the ducks in the hot springs pool which starts inside the lodge and then goes over a waterfall before draining into the pool. We crashed hard at 10 pm as we were all beat from getting up at 4 AM. More later.

They Did What? Mendenhall?

So, I'm sitting at Wolfgang Puck's place yesterday around 5:30 eating my gourmet Meat Loaf made with veal and pork when my cell phone started to buzz. Here it is, our first pick of 2008 draft....coming to me via Still A Dog who promised to call it in since I would be nowhere near a television. Which Hog would we take? Which pass protection specialist or running mauler would allow Roethlisberger more time to throw next year? I was giddy with excitement. I almost picked it up, but I didn't want to disturb the other guests or get glares. Thank God I didn't pick up the phone. If I did, I would have screamed "They did what? You have to be fugging kidding me!" A running back? Tomlin just said Parker will be 100% for camp. True, we need a pile driver, but the rookies from last year and Davenport looked like at times they could manage last year. If you told me we were taking a running back - I would have said - ok, maybe in the 5th or 6th round. I do not understand this pick at all unless the kid turns out to be Bo Jackson or Willie Parker is hurt way worse than anyone is saying. SO - we'll take the monster OL in the second round right? Right? Won't we? Maybe a CB? One who can return kicks? A wide receiver? Huh? Are you serious? A tall wide receiver with no speed whatsoever? His first name is WHAT? Limas? Isn't that a disease that kids get? So, Ben wishes for a tall wr and gets one...a bit early in my estimation. Hines Ward is going to be furious. With Holmes and Ward the clear starters, where does this put our #2 pick on the field? Ward in the slot? Listen, I don't have time to get too deep into this right now, but on the surface, I'm very disappointed. Ask even a casual fan of our team what our biggest weakness was last year and they would say OL. Unless the coaches think our group just needs to gel and they will be fine, I can't explain the picks. Somebody should be fired over this if Ben gets sacked even 30 times next year.

Off To Orlando

Hopefully I'll have some funny Disney stories to tell during the week. Laptop is packed and ready to go. Nothing I like more than sharing a pool with lots of tubby people from other countries. Speaking of people from other countries, I like them and all.....but why do they mow their lawns in khakis and a golf shirt complete with "non" grass cutting shoes? Why? Why I ask you? Tonight going the back way to my house from work, there were two guys....both clearly not born here - well, that might not be true, but their Dads weren't born here - mowing their lawns wearing what they wore to work. What the truck? Go put on some raggedy shorts and an old T-Shirt and you'll fit in better. Better yet, put an ice cold brewskie in one hand while you're at it. And I know Dog, I pay a landscaper! But when I did do it myself, I wasn't out there in Polo chinos and an Alfani shirt with leather shoes on. I was wearing a 2000 NYC US Open T-Shirt and some pants I grew out of cut off into shorts with 8 colors of paint stains on them.....and a -4 generation of running shoes. Word.

Steve McNair In The Hall...The Hall?

Jesus, SI.com had a slow news week. You'd think with the draft coming up, they could find a better story than talking about Steve McNair's chances of making it into the Hall of Fame. What? The Hall of Fame? You have to be elite for the better part of your career to be in the Hall. If not, then it's not The Hall. It would be The Hall of the better than average with one to three really good years sprinkled in. Come on! McNair? The Hall of Hearts.....maybe. Fame? No way. Not even close. Not even if he won a Super Bowl.....or two. All I remember is the Steelers killing him for years on end. When he came to Baltimore I was giddy. The Hall of Fame? Bradshaw, Unitas, Marino, Elway...McNair? McNo. What a waste of space. I vote that if the writers don't have anything to report about, go home and save the white space. It's pleasing to the eye.

Andrew Lloyd Weber

Dig this, as we're watching Idol the other night, my wife says "so is he gay?". Not that there's anything wrong with that. Neither of us are homophobic. Heck, in her profession - we've had many friends over the years who have played for the home team. No big deal. Anyway - to answer her question, I'm like "What? Hell yes, can't you tell!". My gadar was whoooping loud enough for the neighbors to hear and the blinking lights sent my cats into epileptic seizures. So, I wanted to post a picture to see if anyone would allow him to babysit for them cause he's a bit creepy in an old horror movie kind of way - and one of the first pictures on Google images is of him and his.......wife. Not his "friend". Not his "life partner". Not his "hetero life mate"......his w-i-f-e. Interesting. I wonder how long it's been since his Phantom saw a Cat? Sorry, I couldn't help it. Damn, Wikipedia credits him with three wives. He has a strong pimp hand and $750 million dollars. Shit, I'd be his towel boy for that kind of change. And I wouldn't tell his "wife".

Star Child On Idol?

I swear, near the end of the show, as they were panning the crowd going to commercial, I saw a very familiar....well, kind of.....face. It sure looked like Paul Stanley to me. It looks like his eyebrows have been stapled about 2 inches higher than they should be, but I'm 99% sure it was him. Can Still A Jet or Still Moor confirm?

Branden Albert

Peter King, my favorite football writer (cough), put out an "informed mock draft" yesterday. He has the Stillers taking OL Branden Albert with their 1st round pick.....as do a lot of other draft "experts". We'll see. With the addition of Justin Hartwig and the signing of Max Starks - I hope to see blood and guts on the floor for the starting five to unfold in camp. I want Kemoeatu and Colon in there battling all these guys. In the end, I want the five best performers from camp to start....I don't care about names, I don't care about draft position, I don't care about history....I want the five hungriest guys to play. Amen.

Slanted Simon Says: Zzzzzzzzzzz

Why the Zzzzzzzz's? Not because I found the show boring, but because I slept through it. I woke up at 8:50 and caught it on DVR. I got home from work and promptly threw up within 10 minutes of walking in the door. Shaky legs, hot sweats.....out of nowhere. Went to bed for a few hours, felt good as new. Weird. Maybe I'm pregnant? Or maybe I had bad tuna for lunch? Wow - can't wait to see Still A Dog's comment about how there is no such thing as bad tuna. On to the show...which you really don't miss much by watching it in 25 minutes as opposed to 60:

1. David Cook Can't Lose
2. Syesha - Wow. Don't call it a comeback...
3. David Archuleta - more of the same
4. Carly Smithson - the new Pat Benatar
5. Brook White - Worst performance that I can remember for her
6. Jason Dreads - Boo. Just.......boo.

The Big Word Project

Man did I get sucked into a new website hoping it goes hyper-viral. If you didn't already know, I launched a website last month (wealthblocks.com) that deals with saving money, and more importantly, the future value of money. I won't bore you with the details, you can click the link or the graphic on your right to check it out. Back to the other website - I subscribe to Wired magazine and came across an article just yesterday about The Big Word Project. It's kind of like the Million DollarWebsite 2.0. If you remember, the kid that started MillionDollarWebsite sold 1,000,000 pixels at $1 a piece. Lots of people came to check it out - lot's of people got cheap advertising for their sites. TBWP is in the same genre I guess - you buy a word...any word....and link it to whatever you want. It costs $1 per letter. It hasn't been up that long and I didn't think I'd be able to buy any good words but I was surprised when I went this morning. Even though over 2,400 words have been purchased - I was still able to snag FRUGAL, SAVE & CALCULATOR. The last one was kind of key since I named the tool on my site "The Calc-U-LATER". Sweet. Cheap Ads if people see them. Very good words for what my site does content-wise. I looked around on the site for a long time and got a kick out of the sites I saw. Best one? Look up "socialist" - somebody linked it to Obama's website. Nice! If you go, also see where "Burgh" goes. Word. Oh yeah....SLANT is there as well.

Sardines, Anyone?

I would kill somebody. Seriously. Dead. I don't like people even bumping into me. How in the hell do they get off the train if they are in the middle? Is this a joke? I thought everything on this here Internet was true?

Slanted Simon Says: "Ew"

Wow. When I was younger, I remember Mariah Carey being such a hottie. Not anymore. The years haven't been too kind to her and she's still young. Ish. Can you imagine what an intolerable person she must be in private? She seems like such a diva. More #1's than Elvis as a solo artist? Quick..name five of them! See, can't do it can you? However, you can roll out Elvis songs all day long. 19 #1's and if pressed, maybe I could name 1 or 2 by their correct titles. Anyway - here is this week's list, just based on this week:

1. David Cook. Lock. Stock. Barrel.
2. Brook White. Dug. It's the voice and the character in the voice.
3. David Archuleta. Not sure he can win against Cook, but may have more teeny boppers vote for him.
4. Kristi Lee Cook. Rarely hits a bad note. Lacks stage presence and star power.
5. Carly Smithson. Once a force now running on empty.
6. Jason Dreads. Just don't get it. Not at all. I think the only reason the judges say they like him is because we haven't seen a winner in his genre yet. I'm telling you....it's the ONLY reason.
7. Syesha. I once thought she could maybe win......no way, not now, not ever.

The Sky Is Falling

This is weird. I read this article and instead of being alarmed at the thought of the destruction of both coasts and a never ending cloud of dust......I focus instead on the math. The article claims there are over 40,000 satellites in orbit. Really? No, really? A quick search of Sputnik, the first satellite, shows that it went up in 1957. It's 2008. That's 51 years (says Captain Obvious). That's 18,615 days give or take. That's 2.15 satellites per day being launched into space since the first one. So, I'm also guessing that 2 per day didn't start flying the day after Sputnik went? Right? If only one per month went up for the first decade....how many does that leave for the last 10 years? I find that number hard to believe - very hard to believe. Could it be a typo? I'm too tired to research it. Why do I care? 40,000? Give me some quarters.

Timisuckia

So I'm watching John Adams on HBO and I'm enjoying the crap out of it. I have to admit, it's the first time in my 39 years that I've seen these historical figures as real people and not just a painting or a cartoon. To see the brash Adams have a debate with the much more sophisticated Thomas Jefferson is television gold. I'm enjoying it so much that after last night's episode, I hopped on Wikipedia for what turned into a huge time suck. I started off by reading Adams' entire entry. I branched off to read things he authored and to read about treaties and loans he brokered. George Washington is also involved in most of the episodes so I read more about the French and Indian war which had a famous battle really close to where I grew up. I never really knew the history of the fort or the battle until last night. I know I've toured the place and heard the canned speech - but I was probably 8 and pulling some girl's hair while the speaker was going on and on. I then trailed over to read about General Braddock, a British general who served near my hometown as well . Not much on him on Wikipedia, but still enlightening. Finally, although I've sat through the retelling of his story more than a few times - I went out looking for information on Zachariah Connell. I used to go fishing right where his reconstructed cabin is located. Washington crossed the Yough right around that area as well. Did he sleep there one night on his way west? I can't remember completely, but I think so. From what I remember, a lot of famous folks stopped in there to stay over on their way west. Anyway - it;s a wonder I didn't dream about colonial times last night after watching 90 minutes on TV and then reading until midnight. But no, my dreams were the same......getting kidnapped by Desperate Housewives and SI cover girls.

Boycott, Scmoycott

Great. Now Dr. Z on SI.com is suggesting countries boycott the Olympics because of China and Tibet...blah blah blah. Again, how about we blame the folks who picked China? If I was an Olympic athlete (and I could have been....is toenail clipping a sport?) and my country canceled because of the host county's human rights record, I would go ballistic. All the hours of training? All the dedication? I'm not saying it's not a good cause and I'm not condoning anything. I'm saying there are other ways to get them to stop abusing peeps. Don't take it out on the athletes. They are going to end up getting the short end of the pole vault stick. Can't we just intercept their satellite TV signals after the Olympics and make them watch nothing but Rosie O'Donnel reruns? Can't we block their radio transmitters and jam them with nothing but Creed? Did the last boycott work? I think not. Stop making the Olympics political.

Simple Solution To Olympic Torch

You know what? This isn't going to be popular, but I have a way to solve the Olympic Torch problem of all these protesters running around trying to put it out......shoot them. Shoot them in their stupid heads. Yeah, I guess that's a little extreme, so let's shoot them, shoot them in their stupid legs? Ok, China government needs a little help with human rights, but you know what, the men and women selected to run with the torch didn't freaking pick Beijing to host the Olympics. Blame the stupid bribed committee that did. Typically it's a big deal to carry the torch and you have to apply and/or be nominated and stuff like that. For these idiots to be out there messing around with these people is ludicrous. If you meet and protest in peace somewhere like the lawn of the White House, fine. Add the hunting aspect of trying to put the torch out and now you get bored college kids and seekers of fame involved. In my mind, you can't even blame China. They had to win the bid. Somebody had to pick them. The pampered folks that made that call are sleeping soundly while innocent people trying to carry on a tradition are dealing with a huge pile of bullshit. Trot the secret service out there to run with the torch. Anyone but the runner gets within 5 yards of the torch.....pop them. Taser the living daylights out of them. Squirt them with high pressure water. Make them listen to Abba. I don't care what method they use, just don't let them become part of the show.

Slanted Simon Says - Give Back

Geez, I didn't post anything last night on the show because I fell asleep on the floor. Nothing like waking up with carpet burn on your face....but I did see the show before zonking out. Based only on last night:

1. Brooke White - Not that she was superb, but everyone else was a shade off.
2. David Cook - Weird song. Who?
3. Kristi Lee Cook - Nice job!
4. David Archuleta - Meh.
5. Carly Smithson - Good, not great.
6. Micahel Johns - Not consistent at all.
7. Jason Dreads - Why do they like him so much? Stinkin' weirdo sissy pants.
8. Syesha Mercado - Liked her in the beginning and thought she was a threat. No more.

Did anyone notice when they pointed out that William Ford dude in the crowd? Have you ever seen anyone so uncomfortable in their own skin? Ick. He reminded me of Al Gore when his advisers told him to loosen up so he took off his jacket and rolled up his sleeves. Al cannot be casual with that giant stick up his ass. Ford looked like he had a meeting with 4 advisors who told him what to wear and he changed clothes 3 times before coming out. What an idiot. Be yourself, you jackass. Kids of today see right through fake.....and dude, you looked like a $3 bill.

Hogs, Lots of Hogs

A quick look around some mock drafts have our beloved Steelers taking another DE/OLB type or a CB return-man demon (Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie) in the first round. A few have us taking the Virgina guard - but I want to know why ALL of them don't have us taking a HOG? I don't care if it's a guard, center, tackle....I want me a HOG. A big mean one! One we can have for 6-8 years minimum. I read the draft book on the Virgina kid ( Branden Albert) and one of his weaknesses is lack of football knowledge as he didn't start playing until late in his school days. He was a standout hoops guy before his football career took off. It also says he's a better pass blocker than a run blocker and that his motor runs hot and cold. Damn. I was starting to get depressed until I saw that Chris Long also has some "weaknesses" listed as well. I wouldn't care if we piled up the HOGS and had bacon for the first two or three courses! I could live with a supreme corner, but if they take another LB, I won't be happy. They could go DL as well, but if you ask any fan, even a casual fan, what our biggest hole was last year, they'll say OL without a doubt.

You Decide The Title

What's a better title for this story:

A. Once Upon A Time......

B. Bush Kills Baby, Then Mother.....

C. Her second cousin's wife's plumber's helper said.....

It kills me that this keeps happening. We'll need another verse or two in Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start The Fire" if she gets elected....

"Bullets whizzing past her head,
no insurance - now you're dead,
I did not kill not one Vince Foster,
Sharks can't breath right in White Water......

I'm too tired Bill, My head hurts,
Go ahead and chase that skirt.
Just be careful don't get caught,
But if you do I'll leave you not.

Bang that big fat Jewish girl,
Make it like the Tilt-A-Whirl,
Just don't leave no DNA,
and everything will be OK......Ooooops.

Free Craigslist Items

Slow weekend for free stuff in my area. All I could find was this poor deer and this weird ad. It almost makes me think the Cheerios ad is a signal to someone. "hey jimmy, he posted the cheerios, we can go get the body now........".

Damn Dirty Apes

Weird. Totally weird. Last night the family was tired. Everyone went to bed early and I was wide awake. I flipped through the pay channels and saw that Reality Bites was on and about to start. It's a Gen X movie starring Winona Ryder back when she was a starlet with a future. A young Ben Stiller is also involved as is Jeanine Garafolo and Ethan "I have....a little....GIRL" Hawke. I decided to watch it even though I have "The Good Shepherd" DVR'd and ready to watch. I've seen it before, maybe even twice, but not in a long time and I remember really liking it, with the exception of Hawke singing the Violent Femmes near the end. In the movie, if you know it, Ryder goes to Stiller's office and breaks his collectible statue of Dr. Zaius - the orange ape with the high IQ from Planet of the Apes. When Tim Burton remade the movie (which was terrible) the only bright spot was Paul Giamatti playing Zaius....which reminds me, if you aren't watching John Adams starring Giamatti on HBO - you are missing out....bigtime. So, I saw Zaius last night. I wake up today, come downstairs, and the news is running the Charlton "...from my cold dead fingers" Heston obituary piece over and over..... Every time they show a clip from Planet of the Apes, you guessed it, Dr. Zaius is front and center. Weird. I go years without ever thinking about a movie character and then BAM! I get a double dose in the span of 7 hours.

Frustrated In Dayton

Ok. Well, I like to see where my traffic is coming from every few days. I find it interesting to see how people landing on my page. Check this one out! First, look at the location: Dayton, Ohio. Next, look at the search words: "Ben Roethlisberger Clubs Baby Seals". Nice. We're in their heads already and it's not even draft day. Ohio. This person is probably jealous that Benny left his home state and found true glory. Freaks. I tried to post the page from my report but it translated poorly from a cut/paste. You'll just have to take my word for it.

Waddler Plot Broken Up

So, by this time everyone has heard about the group of third graders in Georgia that planned on assaulting their teacher. However, with all the other controversies going on in the world, this one was missed. It seems that a gang of waddling toddlers in a Detroit suburb also hatched a plot last week against their daycare "teacher" Miss Muffy. The weapons they were able to cache were astounding. Found in the leader's (Ry-Ry) cubby were : a small mallet not unlike the ones used to bash wooden pegs through a board, several baby aspirin, teeny tiny nail clippers, an olive sword (Miss Muffy drinks her "lunches") and one-third of a ball of yarn.....pink. Most of the group of five cannot yet speak well enough to defend their suspicious actions, but they have left as evidence a series of drawings that can only be described as "sheer terror". One depicts the muscle of the group, Jimmy Poo Poo, smearing what appears to be, well....Poo, into the face of the teacher who is being held down by Sally "Pancakes" Jenkins. One of the little girls, Lysol, is able to form simple sentences and gave the following statement before going into the preliminary hearing: "Gooble babba gibble NO. Gooble babba gibble NO. dabba....MINE! faffa badda NO! .......i need go potty".

Silverback Red-Assed

Hmmm. Hey Denmark, do you smell something rotting? I have mixed feelings about this. I want to attack it from many angles. First and foremost, Peter (Steelers Hater) King posted an article the other day calling the Steelers hypocritical for cutting Cedric Wilson and keeping James Harrison. Let me address that first. If he or anyone else is suggesting the Steelers cut Harrison for his alleged offense - they should have their heads examined. Pacman Jones got someone shot and the Titans didn't cut him. He was suspended for a year and the Titans didn't cut him. Ray Lewis was up for murder charges and the Ravens didn't cut him! You almost have to go to jail before a team will cut you. Look at Chris Henry. Yes, he finally got cut, but after 37 offenses. Here's the straight poop - Cedric Wilson is a marginal player. He didn't get cut just because he popped his girlfriend....terrible as that may be. He was on the chopping block already and then screwed up and they just dropped the guillotine sooner. He was on his way out, peeps - true that. Plus - this wasn't his first offense! The police recently had a standoff at his house over a domestic dispute. For King not to mention that is huge. Also, King is suggesting that the Cowboys trading for Pacman is a good idea, so is he condoning Pacman's behavior? I am not condoning ANYTHING and neither did Dan Rooney, but Jesus people, wake up. You cannot compare walking into a bar, walking straight up to a girl and punching her in the face - to busting down a door, breaking a cell phone and (insert choice of story here - One account was a slap - One account was putting a hand on the face and pushing). He should have never laid a finger on her, but just from reading the reports, it's not like walking into a bar and punching a woman in front of witnesses. All that being said, I'm betting the chick is driving around in a Hummer this time next week - because if Harrison didn't make promises and pay her off to drop the charges, maybe somebody else......did? No matter how this story ends, James Harrison - the mighty Silverback - should be red-assed embarrassed. He should also watch his step. The Steelers may believe in second chances, they won't believe in thirds though. If someone gets into an argument with somebody and it turns to blows and one person dies, I do not equate that with someone who hides in the bushes and stalks a stranger, killing them and hacking them up into little pieces. Wow, ok, that's not fair either, but there are different levels of assault.

Gas Prices

I stopped to fill up with gas on my way home from work the other night. I went to a place I've never stopped at before - new job - new route - new area. The freaking gas pumps had televisions on them...playing TMZ type clips, ESPN clips and local weather. Can't we even pump gas in peace? Wouldn't no frills pumps save us money? Not including football related programming or movies, I don't watch a ton of TV. I watch a ton of net surfing, but that's a different story. Maybe if I could use Google for 8 minutes while I spend $60 I would feel better about my lost 8 minutes. I've pumped gas Lord knows how many times in my life, not once have I wondered what was on TV while doing it. I'm usually in a trance, staring at traffic, taking a life break, thinking about the smell of the gas, thinking about a stale donut from inside the station.....never about an E! snippet. I think just like I can choose to not get a receipt - I should be able to choose to turn off the TV while pumping.....unless of course, American Idol clips are on.....oh I just threw that in to see if Still A Pavlov would salivate.

Guess The Article Topic

It's short (the article), but contains things like "discharge, wood, aims, naked, baton, rock". The funniest line is "investigators have yet to determine at what point the three officers shot the man". Well I'm stumped. I'd say immediately after "Williams then assaulted and injured an officer before gaining control of the officer’s impact weapon" which was presented two sentences earlier. Case closed. Who (in the F) is the moron investigating this case?

Ramiele Noodled Out

My thoughts for a picture tonight were for either a package of Ramen Noodles or the crazy old lady puppet "Madame". Why Madame? Are you serious? It's like Dolly Parton whistled "9 to 5" while cutting Madame's picture out of Puppet's Illustrated magazine to take to her plastic surgeon...."Here...I want to look like this". It worked you scary-ass, big titty, skeleton lookin' thing. I hate making fun of her because my grandfather liked her, but then I think, well, my grandfather and I shared some genes....so he probably just liked her big 'ole hooters (when they were young and taut). You go Grandpap. Glad Ramiele is gone. Jason Dreads has been locked on target for next week, unless of course it's Reggae week and he's allowed to bring a big mad bag of weed on stage with him while he's jammon'.

Slanted Simon Says Sleep

Wow. This was the most boring week I can remember for American Idol season seven. A real snoozer. I watched my laptop more than the show. I'm not even sure it's worth listing the singers out, but here goes.....with few comments.
1. Carly, I dug it
2. Michael Johns, dug
3. Brook White, I honestly like her voice, very much!
4. David Cook, my least favorite DC performance ever
5. David Archuleta, meh
6. Kristi Lee Cook, yawn
7. Jason Dreads, eh
8. Syesha Marcado, wow. pitchy. really pitchy.
9. Ramiele, really ready for her to go