This article is ludicrous. You have to be shitting me. Let me tell you what's going to happen to anyone who installs these machines. They are going to have to keep replacing them, and replacing them, and replacing them....because people like me are going to break them, break them, break them. Dispense 5 sheets per load? 5? 20 inches of paper? The article says that on average an American uses about an arm's length of paper. Good God I think I use twice my height and I'm a little over 6 feet tall! 5 sheets? I can't clean up a dead spider that I've squished with a slipper with 5 sheets let alone what happens the morning after a meal at Chili's. Depending on what was eaten and what it was washed down with - you could potentially use 12 ft of paper, 2 baby wipes (a Howard Stern trick), some fine sandpaper, a paint stripper and a pressure washer. Other times, a lone sheet will do. I would like to take the logic of this machine a step further. I would like to give all Americans a card for these machines not unlike an ATM card. It will be called your ASS card. Automated Shit Sheets. You swipe it when you start your business. ASS swipe. Yup. You see, you "earn" 5 sheets per use, but if you happen to only use 2-3 sheets, you can "bank" the rest of them until next time. Use 2 sheets today, say hello to 8 sheets tomorrow. This way, you can save up for a cheap beer or Mexican night and know you're not in trouble the next morning at work. I think restaurants should have a card reader right at your table. "Bill, what are you having tonight?" "Well sweety, I don't know, let me check my card." (Swipes). "Hmmm, I have 27 sheets saved up - I guess I'll have the ribs and baked beans!". There will also be several after market services developed as well. Instead of eBay, we'll have eBowel - where after entering your swipe code - you'll be able to sell your unused sheets. If Bobby Bo Ray is a heavy user, he can go online and bid on Lindsey Lohan and Nicole Ritchie's extra sheets - you don't eat when you're doing coke and if you don't eat........well, you get the picture. This is just so ridiculous I can't even believe it. Think about it...a big burly guy sitting at the booth next to you eating wings at your favorite tavern - he has to go - NOW! 5 sheets does exactly 10% of the job for him. Now he comes back to the table unable to finish the job God intended him to do. Yuck. You know how the faucets work for 5 seconds when you put your hand under them? Think how funny it's going to be when everyone is in there ramming their asses up against the faucet to get some water to finish what 5 sheets of paper could not. Better yet, lots of people will come out of the stall doing the penguin walk with their pants around their ankles, shut the door - open the door and return to the stall to get another 5 sheets! See, they didn't QA the system yet. What if it takes your ass print and will only dispense 5 sheets per incident? You could go to another stall while walking the penguin...but if they are all networked together (WAN: Wide Ass Network) the stall 2 doors down will know you already got your 5 sheets. In the year 2007, 97 out of every 100 people are carrying a cell phone with them at all times. In 2009, the cell phone will be replaced by a roll of toilet paper as the object of choice to carry around. Lanyards will be created to make them easier to carry. I'm sure Belkin will have a line of "skins" and belt clip attachments. Apple will develop the iPoop which is a tubular iPod that fits snugly in the empty roll. It will come standard with a USB "NUMBER 2" cable (which is different than USB 2.0) which dumps and loads songs really fast...faster than the splash after you drop the kids off at the pool in the morning.
2 comments:
This will never work. Wives everywhere will revolt.
I haven't had a wife yet that used less than half a roll for #1 and a full roll for #2.
Fan has found yet another reason Americans are idiots. We try to legislate everything from safety to morality and now to how much paper you can use to wipe your ass.
Men die, and have died, to protect our freedom and we give it away five sheets of toilet paper at a time.
It is little wonder the world hates us and laughs at us.
There is one important piece of information that they leave out of that article - is that 5 sheets per wipe or 5 sheets per dump? 5 sheets per wipe isn't that bad. I would ASSume if you needed more you'd just get another 5 sheets. If it is per dump, you're going to end up with stalls with crap all over EVERYTHING! You will also see a lot of partially-wiped people trying to be creative in getting the dispenser to think there is a new person in the stall.
Post a Comment