When I graduated from school, I signed on as the 24th employee at a small consulting firm and lasted there for over 12 years. We went up to 54 employees but suffered a difference of opinions between joint owners and one company became two. We were back in the high teens when I left. I did a short stint at Merck through a large consulting firm for less than a year. I didn't like it much. I met some great people that I still keep in touch with and made a few good friends in that year, but professionally it was mind numbing. Too many consultants from too many different agencies all swimming in the same waters. It just wasn't my scene. There were 12,000 or more employees at the location I was at. Too much red tape - probably too many people in each department. I split to a micro-cap company with 18 people. Ahhhh, home....until the funding started to disappear. I lasted over 3 years before being proactive and looked for a job where going bankrupt was out of the question. I found it at a "medium-large" type company with 1,500 employees (1,100 at this site) last month. The thing is, when 16 of your 17 professional years are spent at companies with around 25 employees, 1000 is still a sperm whale compared to a neon. I've been there three days and have already seen the comical things that go on at large companies. They have a zero tolerance for smoking meaning there is no smoking allowed on company property. Smokers literally have to drive or walk off of the property to smoke. Whenever one place becomes too popular as a smoking spot...neighbors and motorists complain and the smokers have to scurry like roaches to another tree or something just over yonder past the parking lot. You cannot sit in your car and smoke on the lot. Funny. I swear as I'm walking to my car each evening, you can see heads bobbing up and down and wisps of something going into the air. I'm guessing either people are breaking the smoking rule or there is a plethora of quid pro quo type action going on out there and secretaries are taken back to their high school or college days - giving "headroom" an entirely different meaning than what Detroit marketing firms want you to think it is. Speaking of quid pro quo, I had to take an online course proving I know what sexual harassment is. Now remember, I'm coming from a place where if something goes wrong in the middle of my day I can stand up, kick my desk, slam my office door and scream "what the [mack truck] is wrong with this [mother hubbard] software you stupid piece of [bucking ship]. [Tuck me] in the [asparagus] I can't figure this [bugger] the [yuck] out. God [dang] [bleepin'] whore......[TRUCK!]". I've done that several times and while it isn't very professional.....it makes me feel a lot better and it makes everyone laugh and then they try to decide if that's the best curse I've ever strung together. Sadly it is not. One time I ran one together playing darts (something else you can't do at a big company) where I combined things like monkeys, [trucks], beans, nuns and whores. When cursing for laughs, you can't go wrong mixing nuns with whores. Anyway, to get back to my point, at the small company where everyone knows each other - it is nothing to say to a female coworker (in my best Jennifer Lopez Spanish Harlem voice) "damn, look atchew girl, you smokin in that skirt, yo". Now I'm taking a test and my online grade will be recorded forever with Human Resources. A sample of the test looks like this....it's a picture of some 40-something year old slob hanging over a scantily clad female at the copy machine. I have to pick which statement out of the four could get me trouble as representing a hostile work environment. The choices read as follows:
A. "Sally, let me know when you're done with the Xerox"
B. "Sally, if the machine needs toner let me know"
C. "Sally, every time I look at your ass my pants get tight"
D. "Sally, what is on the menu for lunch today?"
Of course I picked B. thinking he meant his man parts when he said "machine" and his reference to "toner" meant being buff. I was told I didn't understand the concept and I had to take this part again. The second example showed a male boss dictating to a secretary. First, I giggled at 'dictating' like a 12 year old, then I continued. Only one of these sentences is safe for Bob to say. Can you pick it out:
A. "Take my throbbing penis and put it in your mouth if you want that raise, bitch"
B. "Jesus Christ, what are you eating for lunch? You are not unlike a moose"
C. "Please send my wife some flowers or I'll forget"
D. "Daddy want put fun fun in your pooter"
I was confused by bringing the boss's wife into the picture and got flustered. I chose D. because there was no threat or promise of reward. At this point red lights flashed, sirens screamed and someone came and got me from HR. Everything's fine as I explained I was nuts from being at small companies my entire adult life so they are giving me a second chance. Stay tuned as it is going to be hard to swallow my thoughts as they come to me. It must be possible though, Still A Dog has never been fired and he's got to be worse than me!
6 comments:
You used to be able to use code to speak to office women and express your true thoughts. I got away with that for years.
"Did you see the massive ta-tas on Pat? The hydraulics are ten-hut and they ain't going down anytime soon with her around!"
"Pat, I'd like to join you for lunch if that's OK. Folks say that fish taco you bring from home is delicious. Want to share?"
"If it smells like fish, it's delish. If it smells like cologne, leave it alone."
And remember... there's only two things that smell like fish, and one of them's fish.
Living within earshot of The Greaseman for his good years, I got to give props to him. These are almost all things he said on his radio show from time to time... but he did end up getting fired multiple times.
I swear, some of this HR crap is going to cost some companies good workers. Before I came to work with you I interviewed at a place where the bulk of the interview was spent taking a test for HR. There were questions like "Sometimes it is OK to steal (T/F)?". When someone in HR asked me what I thought of the test I said I thought it was pointless because most people would just answer what they think is the "right" answer. Needless to say, my comment cost me any further consideration.
Hey fan, how's the Tuna runnin' over at the new gig?
Any keepers or just catch and release?
But really, as an aficionado of blues, you can get by like the old blues masters did and HR won't have a Gad Dang clue what you're talking about.
Pigmeat = The, ah, "charms" of a young woman.
Poodle = The ah, female sex organ (presumably surrounded by "poodle fur")
She got a nice little car but too many drivers at the wheel = A hot woman with too many sex partners.
Heist up yo' hood. I'm gonna check your oil this mornin' = Gonna put in my dipstick and see how wet it gets.
Hoo Doo, Hoochie Coochie, MoJo, Johnny Conqa Root (High John The Conqueror Root), Gooba Dust, Hot Foot Powder, and many more are just code words the old bluesmen used to conquer white censorship. And you got to do the same, my brotha. Because HR Depts nationwide are oppressing your speech!!!
catch and release. but then again, i havent seen the entire school yet.
HA! Once your married even catch and release is dangerous territory. Watch for the barracudas and pirhanas.
But I'm an old timer now. And to us, going fishing (tuna trolling)even when you don't catch anything is still fun.
Old folks boogie,
Boogie they will.
Cause to us,
The thought's as good as the thrill. -L. George
Teacher: Buckwheat, can you use the word "dictate" in a sentence?
Buckwheat: Oh yes, ma'am. Darla, what do my dictate like?
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