Ouch, My Bleeeeeeep

So I haven't really gone off on anything for a while. Have things not been bugging me lately? No, I've just been up to my ears in things to do, and I'm almost 6'1". I came close to working 55 hours last week while still working on my kitchen cabinets and attending swim meets on what seems like every night of the week. I think we've established that I love the kids....especially the one I call my own. I'm an in-between parent when it comes to most things. I'm not a Nazi but I don't allow her run amok either. She knows most curse words thanks to certain movies that slip them into a PG-13 movie and the occasional friend with loose lips or a TV show that is on in the background while she is doing something else (Ugly Betty?). Anyway, I know she doesn't yet know the one that starts with F and ends in UCK that is not FIRETRUCK. I know this because as I was shuttling her and a friend somewhere one day late in the school season I overheard them talking about a boy in 5th grade who was in trouble for saying "the F word" and they both admitted to each other that they don't even know what it is. She may have already found out as other kids talked about it or maybe not. You can't stop them from hearing things, you can only tell them it's a bad word and they better not say it. My daughter, I think, has an advanced sense of humor and when we think something is funny, we laugh out loud. We laugh at things at home that I sometimes have to tell her that I don't think she should laugh at someplace else or tell anyone we were laughing about it. For instance, being home alone with her and screaming "Fire in the HOLE" before relieving one's self of gas....I'm not saying I do that.....I'm just saying that would be an example. Anyway, while that can weirdly be a bonding point for father and child at home, you would simply want to die if she went over to the Smith's for dinner one night and screamed "Fire in the Hole" at the table while launching into bean burrito flatulence. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, we had a swim meet tonight. My daughter was swimming in the first heat for one of the last events, the 8&U female freestyle relays. Her team was designed to win first place in the event and win it they did, by about 5 seconds. While the 2 relay teams (8 girls) were lining up to walk over to the blocks, I went over to give her some encouragement. The girls were wound up on candy and Gatorade as it neared 9 pm and a few of them were rough housing a bit. I know at least 6 of the girls out of the 8 as they've been to my house many times. As I whispered in her ear to the side of the mosh pit, one of the girls said rather loudly...."Ouch, you bumped my vagina!" and then laughed hysterically. I spun around and looked at my friend who was talking to his daughter (the anchor) as well. I said "Did I just hear what I thought I heard?" He confirmed that I did. Through the process of elimination, I know one of the girls that isn't a family friend has an older sister that is probably about 14. BINGO! Nice. I want my baby to be a baby forever. I know it's 2008 and not 1975 and my wife will soon be having a talk with her that will make me very uncomfortable, but I know it's necessary. As a parent, I wanted to act like I didn't hear it and hope the other girls weren't all wondering "hey, what's that? It's not an eye. It's not a nose. It's not an arm......". The other part of me, that finds humor in everything, wanted to just start laughing out loud at how out of the blue the comment was. Hopefully, when my daughter has a clue what every "bad" word is, she'll use her better judgement and not say things in public that can come back to embarrass her....or us! On the other hand, words are just words and if used in a manner that aren't hurting anyone or causing anyone disrespect - I'm not sure I have a problem with it.....when she's older. Like I've mentioned a million times before - BS'ing with your friends in private is one thing - talking in a public place is another. If the child's mother needs to teach her anything, it's that difference. It's one thing for a kid to know the correct body part name and maybe most girls do at that age....I don't know....I just do NOT need to hear an 8 year old yelling it in a public place.

Joe Horn, Watch My House

Wow. I wish I could get Joe Horn to watch my house when I go on vacation. Do I feel bad the two men are dead? A leetle, but let's face it and be real - had the two guys not broken into his neighbor's house - they might still be alive today. I absolutely love the idea of putting fear back into those with criminal minds. I'll tell you what - anybody who had plans to rob a house thought twice after hearing about that.....for a few days anyway. Since they obviously aren't afraid of the law and a court - they need to be concerned about the crazy yahoo watching the house. Dead men don't come back for seconds.

Steelers Dump Davenport

The Steelers went in the closet and dumped Najeh Davenport, clearing up the crowded backfield they put together. With Mendenhall and Melwelde Moore coming onboard since the end of last season, the roll (not toilet paper) Najeh never nailed down was up for grabs. He never did seem to move the pile the way the Steelers brass wanted him to. Hopefully this doesn't mean his career is down the crapper. If he could ever get that one night back, do you think he would change his actions?

Would Anybody Like A Peanut?

A mash-up (kind of) of The Princess Bride and Star Wars. What's funny is I just mentioned Princess Bride to somebody today at a swim meet. I was talking about Carol Kane as I talked to another pop culture junkie about Scrooged...and someone asked who she was. All I could think of besides Scrooged at the time were Princess Bride and Latka's wife on Taxi. The title of the post is my favorite line from PB. If you haven't seen it.....dial it up.

Craigslist Crazies

I have a great aunt that would think someone might want these. She's 83. There is something fascinating to me about what other people think might be useful to someone. Saying that is a stretch as this actually might be useful to someone. However, to trade emails and then arrange to go pick this up....with gas hovering at $4.00 per gallon is all kinds of loony. Stay tuned for next week when Crazy Aunt Bea posts in the CL Free Ads "I have for free 37 yellow cheeseburger wrappings from McDonald's. Some have slight ketchup remnants and others (while stain free) smell of onions. Several are wrinkled and folded but most were able to be straightened out through ironing them. It seems a shame to throw them away as I bet they would make beautiful paper flowers that could be hot-glued to green pipe cleaners. Serious inquiries only please."

Is CutWillieReid.com Available?

Will this be the year Willie Reid stops sucking up a roster spot? Historically the Steelers have carried five wide receivers on their roster. The flunker, I mean flanker, from Florida State was supposed to be our new Antwaan Randle El in the kicking game when ARE bolted for the Redskins a few years ago. Willie was a high draft pick and hasn't shown me bubkiss yet. He is either hurt, or just plain ineffective. With the signing of Mewelde Moore and the drafting of Mendenhall - we have more options to look at for the return game. Also, Jeremy Bloom may blossom after a full camp given the shot. He's a burner, but much like Reid will be a liability in the passing game. It's a damn shame we can;t return a punt or a kick worth a squat since before ARE's last year. Maybe it's time to have open competition and have every starter and backup with any kind of experience catching kicks back there. If Parker were more durable, I'd even consider that. Can you imagine shortening the field by 8 more yards after every change of possession? Anyway, with all the bodies in camp, let's look at who your opening day WRs will be - in order:

1. Santonio Holmes - yes, Hines is the heart and soul of the team since Bettis retired, but this is going to be Santonio's breakout year.....as long as he keep his clothes on.
2. Hines Ward - Nuff said.
3. Nate Washington - coming along fine. Needs to squeeze more balls. No comments, you know what I meant.
4. Limas Sweed - a 2nd round pick is not getting cut.....he will be on the team.
5. As far as I can tell, this spot is open to either Jeremy Bloom or Dallas Baker. Baker is 6-3 206 and already has time on the practice squad. Bloom is a burner who returns kicks for a living. Since Heath Miller and Matt Spaeth are already monster targets and Sweed was added to the mix, I wouldn't be surprised if Bloom makes the team. However - with the Passing Game getting more important every year, maybe they'll keep 6. Who knows? I see another monster rookie on the roster by the name of Micah Rucker out of Eastern Illinois. Dude is 6'6" 221. They gave him Weegie Thompson's old #87. I can see a play on the 2 yard line consisting of Miller, Spaeth, Sweed, Baker and Rucker. Doesn't matter, Benny'll get sacked.

Free Craigslist Posted In Wrong Section

Shouldn't this be in the Personal Ads? Come on! Clearly, this is as planned out as sitting in a toilet stall and doing something which will alert the patron in the stall next to you that you want to get.....kinky. I'm tempted to go on CL and post an ad in the Free area for "Huge Collection of Bette Midler and Barbara Streisand LPs". Hi, my name is Melvin and I'm moving (in & out) in a few weeks and I simply must get rid of these old dusty LPs. If you want, we can listen to them together first before I pack them up for you.

Who do you think you're fooling, Nancy?

iBus

This is tragic and I grieve for the family that has to read about their son's head getting crushed by a bus. That being said, they are looking for a quick settlement from the transit company and I hope they don't get it. He was wearing an iPod on a bike and according to witnesses "swooped" right off the sidewalk and into the path of the steel behemoth. I bet the real issue is that Mom & Dad knew he was riding his bike with his iPod on and never told him that it might not be in his best interest. I'm guessing the volume wasn't on 1 and he wasn't listening to Bach.

Email, Come Hither

Maybe you know someone like this: you send them an email at work, and within 10 minutes they are standing in your space, answering your question.....or trying to. There is one at every company. Maybe they aren't doing it on purpose. Maybe they can't type. Maybe they don't want any of their answers to ever come back to haunt them (ding ding ding). For whatever reason, they choose to answer in person, then chit chat. There is an individual at my new place of business who does this and it's become very predictable. I can send a very detailed email asking for certain information that she knows off the top of her head. I can ask for it in a bulleted list. I would like it written down so I can reference it later. Nope. Here she comes. Can I act like I don't see her as I bop to my iPod? No. If I asked for 6 things, she'll tick them off. If I present a scenario with what I believe to be true and simply ask "is this correct?", she can't even type "Yes" or "No". She'll walk over and say it, and may even point out that it was a great example to draw up. What is really bothersome is when you send the email at say 10 AM when the issue is right in your sweet spot, then you go to a meeting, or lunch. You come back and get totally into something else, and BAM! she answers your question live without a net before your brain can even catch up and process it.....and I've been accused of thinking to fast. However, when you're 5 steps removed from the subject matter and then she's standing there saying "oh, about your email, yes - you can take the flutergork and process it with the ding-a-ling-dongs as long as the fripper frapper isnt stuck on bunk-bunk." Oh, I also don't hide my WTF face very well. Anyway, if you do that......stop doing it, it's annoying. We use IM at my office and it's taking over email. Stop walking over to me with your answers. Jesus, next she'll be starting fires and sending up smoke signals with a blanket. Welcome to 2008, use the gadgets.

Monopoly Is Not A Monopoly

When I was a kid, if I wanted a game for my birthday, I would tell my grandmother the name of it and I would get it. I don't see how that would be possible today. I can't even imagine telling Still A Dad to get the Webkinz my daughter currently wants. Where he lives, not too many stores probably even sell them, let alone the latest and greatest one that everyone wants. Where did this come from? Last Friday Princess only had 2 hours at school for their last day and they could bring a game. A girl in the class brought the new pink boutique Monopoly game. Friday after dinner, we needed to get to Toys'R'Us to see if they had the game. They did, along with 11 other versions of Monopoly. E-L-E-V-E-N. I knew board games started franchising when she was much younger because she has the Disney Trivial Pursuit game and the Disney Sorry! game. A good trivia question would be which board game caved first? Who cares! As I continued to rant on about all the choices just for Monopoly, Still A Wife rolled her eyes and made a comment about me writing about it. Exactly. I finally got around to it tonight and it's much worse than what I originally thought. From going to Hasbro's website (I guess they bought Parker Brothers) you can find the following versions:

Monopoly
Monopoly Speed Die
Monopoly Brand Jr Disney
Monopoly Brand Disney Jr Princess
Monopoly Jr
Monopoly Express
Monopoly Town
Monopoly Deluxe
Monopoly Here and Now Limited
Monopoly Spongebob
Monopoly Disney
Monopoly Spider Man 3
Monopoly Disney Pixar
Monopoly Electronic Banking
Monopoly Here and Now World Edition
Monopoly Tropical Tycoon DVD Game
Monopoly Transformers
Monopoly Red Sox

Wow. I thought the list was long. Way long. Then, I realized the version my daughter wanted wasn't listed. I bounced to Toys'R'Us to find (and I'll stop typing Monopoly every time:

M: Pink Boutique Edition
M: Nintendo Collector
M: Pirates of Caribbean
M: Coca-Cola
M: Superman Returns
M: My American Idol Edition
M: Dog Lovers
M: Horse Lovers
M: NFL
M: Bass Fishing
M: Cat Lovers
M: Pirates of Caribbean The Trilogy
M: Celtics
M: American Choppers
M: US Navy
M: Army
M: Air Force
M: ESPN
M: Golf Holes
M: John Deere
M: Marines
M: Family Guy
M: Harley
M: M&M's
M: White Sox
M: Wizard of Oz
M: Planet Earth
M: Fantasy Baseball
M: MLB

That list does not include what I found out from Wikipedia.....that Monopoly is in the public domain now and anyone can make "opoly" games. Toys'R'Us also sells about 30 University games that aren't made by Hasbro. There is also another company that makes "Bugopoly", "Ponyopoly", "Spaceopoly" and the list goes on and on. That's what is available at this moment from checking two websites. I'm not going any further. The complete list of licensed versions is right here.

I gotta say, I just don't get it. How one stinking board game morphed into this mess is crazy! Somewhere, a secret meeting is going on where some very stressed out Hasbro big wigs are going "we.....need.....a.....new......Monopoly". "yes, a new one." "I agree, a new one is needed. How long has it been since we released a new version?" "It's been 37 days, sir. The market is really demanding a new choice." "Ok, thanks Peterson. I've made up my mind.......we'll give the world....Rodentopoly....YES....yes, it will be grand." "But sir, which rodent will be Board Walk, surely not the Squirrel?" "Actually, I was thinking Porcupine but I have a soft spot for Beaver......."

Isn't it Ironic that anyone can make an "opoly" game? Monopoly is not a monopoly.

Guns-N-Airports

Athletes crack me up. Do they always have to be strapped? I can just see this idiot's checklist for the airport.....shaving cream...Check.....extra socks...Check.....2 belts...Check.....Guns?...Check. Has it become so commonplace to carry them that you forget you have it on you when you go to the airport...Post 9-1-1? Ridiculous. When the team takes a bus to a game that is only a rock's throw away (Washington @ Philly), you have to wonder how many guns are on the floor of the away team? The freaking thing was loaded! Goodness. I mean, I like me some guns, but forgetting a loaded one is in your bag is just crazy.

Dragging him to.....wait, what?

There is nothing better than clicking on an article, reading 90% of it and buying it....and then reading the 10% that makes you spit your ice cream out through your nose. I saw a link about Siegfried and Roy adopting 5 tiger cubs and I thought it was odd and wanted to read it. Do you find any humor in it? These dudes are approaching Michael Jackson type weirdness. Did you see the last line of the article?

"The pair have said they believed Montecore sensed Horn was having a mini-stroke and was dragging him to safety, rather than attacking him."

Ummm, when did this tiger go to medical school? What, did Montecore give him a cat scan? For the love of Christ, do they really believe that? Maybe Montecore woke up in a pissy mood that fateful day. Maybe Montecore had finally had enough and said "Fug it. I am not jumpin' through no mother fuggin' hoop tonight. Today, it ends." Maybe the shit was planned out. It could have been as planned out as D-Day in that tiger's mind. First, he was like "Monte what? Montecore? What the fug is Montecore? I am a regal beast. I am first cousin of the King of the Got-damn jungle. You stick that gay head of yours in my mouth tonight, Twinkles, and I'm bitin' it off". Mini Stroke. God, that's funny. Dragging you to safety? Did he drag you to an ambulance? He was just taking you behind the curtain to protect his fresh kill. All that poor tiger did was act on his genetic code. For that he probably got the white beat right off of him. "Oh look Seegy...isn't he cute...he is not unlike a little cotton poof". Yes, Roy, just like a little cotton poof. One that will act kindly towards you because you feed it. One that will someday grow into a full grown predator. One that will someday see you as a huge steak, just like in the cartoons. One that will someday try to rip your mousse encrusted head right the fug off. This is analogous to Hilary Clinton inviting the Swedish Bikini Team over for a sleepover. This is like asking Robert Downey Jr. to lay the chalk lines at the 'ole ballpark. It's like taking Woody Allen to one of those places where you eat sushi off of a young naked Japanese girl. "But the tiger....he's so preeeety". Celebrities make me sick.

Finall!y! Something Goes Right For...ME!

I used to work from home two days per week. That's when I was at my dream job where I made some really good friends. Also, if for any reason you really needed to work from home another day...no problem, no questions. You wake up and there's a little snow? Working from home. You need Thur and Fri as opposed to Tue, Thur...no problem. You need 4 days from home this week? Ok. It was easy to schedule things that required people at your house....contractors, deliveries, maintenance. When you have that for 4 years, you miss it about a month after it ends. I could still do it when I worked for HELL (yes, you remember) and I've done it once before for my new job, but there is no regular schedule for it. Well, my daughter's school has the craziest last week schedule that I've ever heard of. It consists of two half days, followed by a day off, followed by a half day, followed by a two hour day. Not sure what dual income families are supposed to do with that....but we manage. I asked to work from home today about a month ago when my "real" boss told me I needed to be here to cover one day. No problem. Being that I'm going to be here, I scheduled a few things. One was the hard wood floor installation which is going splendidly. As it turns out, the installer is a Yinz'er. When dude shows up wearing a Steelers shirt, all is going to go well. I hooked him up with a Bettis IC can. I'm sure I'm getting better attention than most. I also scheduled my switch over to FiOS tv. While I need Direct TV to get my Stiller games, the DTV techs were not able to secure the HD signal at my house which borders a park with very high trees. Easy solution. Keep 1 line of basic DTV for football season and then cancel it until next year. Bring on the WOW of FiOS to everything else. Just what the Sony Bravia-XBR4 ordered. Lastly, I have my furnace serviced on a contract and he comes in the spring and fall. I hooked that up for today as well. So, besides having all those people here, I still needed to work online and keep my daughter busy. At 7:00 AM my phone rang.....my boss. Turns out the power was out at the office due to a tree falling and it wasn't expected to be on anytime soon. They were sending people home. Jackpot! The office is 13 miles away and we have some pretty big tree limbs down in my yard. He called back around 9 and I cringed....I was dreading the "you can get on now" call. Nope. Was told to stay tuned for news about tomorrow that it still might not be fixed. There is a God in heaven. Is that the pool I hear calling? Oh yeah, the floor looks kickass....pics to follow at some point.

Plenty Of Woods

I would like plenty of woods for the winter...or summer.....fall too.....ok, spring too.

DIY? PBY!

I am very angry right now with the previous owner of my house. As Still A Dad can attest to - everything he did to this house, he managed to.....how can I say this politely.....bone up. Do it yourself? How about "Pay By Yourself". He is a complete moron when it comes to home improvement. Mr. Klein, you suck. You suck. You suck. You suck. My poor coworkers are sick to death of me complaining about you. No matter where I happen to be working at the time, rest assured, if I need to do something to the house and it's an area that Mr. Klein had his grubby little fingers in....I will have to "Unbone" something that he "boned up". The laundry list of items is too long to get into tonight. All I can do is tell you about the current deal. From the moment we bought this house four years ago, I've hated the ceramic tile floor. We had vinyl in our first house and I always wanted tile, but not this tile....installed in this manner. Jackass did it himself and I don't think he read a damn thing about it before he did it. First, the tiles were cheap. If you go to Home Depot and look in the tile section...the ones at the end of the row marked .99 per square foot....those are them! He chose a light tan grout, the tiles themselves are porous and I don't think he sealed either after completing the job. Why? Because I can see every water mark and count the rings where water sits in the grout. Did I mention he sucks? He piled up grout in corners to where it looked like an ant hill. He didn't remove the baseboards, instead he grouted the tiles to the baseboards and all doorway trim and thresholds. Basically, it looked like shit. So, we picked out a nice maple Bruce hardwood floor. I'm refinishing the cabinets in the same color and we're changing all the hardware to match the brushed nickel trim that's on some of our appliances. Do I want to rip out the old floor myself? No. Do I want to pay someone $3.50 per square foot to take it out? No. I'll do it myself and save $950. Do I want to pay $45 to have the fridge moved? $45 for the oven? $150 for the toilet? $150 for the pedestal sink? No. No. No. No. I move the stuff. I rip out the tile. Easy pickins. I go to rip up the backerboard. Nothing. Won't even start. I dig, rip and claw a keyhole to start. Takes a long time. I go to Home Depot and buy a $20 shovel handle scraper thingy....nice. The next morning, I start again. I have about 10 days to the install. Nothing. I go online and read a little about this project in news groups. It says it should rip right up......unless it's glued down. What then? Well, basically, you're "boned". I see screws. I start taking screws out. The crazy F'er had a screw about every 2 inches and I'm not kidding. I am NOT kidding. I knew I wasn't going to do this myself. I hired a dude off of CL to do it for me for $300. I interviewed him and selected him from over 40 applicants. He got an entire 3x5 sheet off and wasn't happy. He said if you are going to glue with liquid nails or construction adhesive - you need not screw. Also, you needed a bead of glue down both sides of the backerboard. Mr. Klein put "snakes" or "worms" down the length of the boards....every 2 inches....then he put a screw in every 2 inches around the perimeter and a few in the middle (for good measure). Basically, you could barely get a spoon under this stuff let alone a shovel or scraper. There was no wiggle room. Hired dude originally thought he would be done by noon starting at 7:30. At 3:30, drenched in sweat and almost crying (I think), he said he was done. He gave up. I couldn't blame him. Why? Mr. Klein is an asshole. Hired dude said it was the most ambitious glue application he had ever seen and guessed a tube per sheet was used. He had snakes, worms, X's, and bullseyes on the floor. He said commercial jobs for offices and restaraunts do not require that amount of anchoring. After dude left, I worked for another 2 hours myself. I decided in order to not have the installer try to kill me, I'd call him and get his advice. He came over today while I was at work to survey. My wife said his face went blank when he saw the sheer amount of glue still on the floor with remnants of backerboard on it. He said if I got off more in a few hours tonight, he would come back tomorrow and finish and then put another layer of plywood over the mess Mr. Klein left. It would be an easier install knowing that a slightly raised piece of glue or a hammered in screw or staple wouldn't pop back up and mess up the job. I guess I forgot to mention the staples. When taking up the glue, you need to slide the scraper into it. It needs to not hit anything as you are gaining momentum. Also still on the floor are the staples from the original floor he had down. He didn't remove them before he put the backerboard down. Again, very hard to do anything with staples mixed in with this stuff. I got home at 5 and with sweat dripping off my face every second in a very cool air-conditioned 73 degree room......spent another 4 hours working this stuff up. My hands are torn up as thrusting this scraper at 7 year old glue and small staples and having it stop abruptly puts a tremendous amount of force on the body. I feel old. Reeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal old. This floor better be worth it, or me, the dude and the installers are going to get his new address, go over there, and beat him senseless with bars of soap wrapped in towels. Pictures when I get my FiOS back. I'm still "piggybacking" off of a neighbor.

Dwight White - RIP Mad Dog

Geez. 58. That sucks. I remember a parade in my hometown after the glory days ended - it was probably around the time I was in high school - 1985-87. Dwight White was the grand marshall of the parade. Isn't it weird how many ex-Steelers have died in the last 5 years or so? Still A Dog, what's the best Dwight White story you have?

What A Day

My wireless router is having issues. Last Saturday it started acting up so I called Verizon FiOS and was told a brand spanking new one would be at my house on Wednesday. Well, it's Saturday again and I'm sitting by our door "piggybacking" off of an unsuspecting neighbor who is like "WEP, what's WEP?". Back when I first bought this house I could only see my own wireless connection. I can now see three. Progress. Hopefully someone will always be unprotected. My own connection is going in and out and it's driving me crazy to keep getting kicked off. Princess had her dance recital today. I think it was 94 degrees and the air conditioners in the school we were at gave up. Yes they did. Every person in the place was fanning themselves with programs. It reminded me of my hometown unairconditioned church. Everyone had a personal fan. You wonder why kids don't listen these days. Parents. Parents set bad examples. You aren't allowed to tape the recital. They tape it professionally and make you buy it if you want it. However, they allow you to come to the dress rehearsal and stand right in the pit for your own act and tape it close up. That didn't stop the dude sitting right in front of me. His view finder distracted me to the point where I almost said something but it was so hot in there that I was already pissy and I didn't think getting arrested for handing some guy his ass would do well for having a nice family day out. They also sell pretzels and water in the foyer but there are signs all over the place saying that you cannot bring it into the auditorium. Guess who ignored the 97 signs about halfway through the show? Right, the same guy with the camera....whose 12ish son was with him. Great example. The rules don't apply to us son, we're special. Also, I'm guessing in the 29 number show no less than 10 flashes from cameras could be counted. That's right, after the annual speech by the dance school owner where she acts like we're the students and asks us to please not take flash photos as they distract the dancers. The other thing was the attire of half the audience. I know I've railed on church goers in the past and that's another pet peeve of mine, but this was probably worse. You had everything from people looking like they were going to an upscale restaurant to a guy I saw in a white tank top. A white tank top. No, really. Yes, it's hot - suck it up. I didn't even wear shorts or sandals. It's a special day for the kids and they are all dressed up in their costumes. Don't you think it's even more special for them if they see their parents get all gussied up like they're going to a real "show"? I know it sounds petty on my part, but seriously, you're going to your kid's dance recital and you're looking in the closet and you're thinking "now where is that white tank top?". Show some respect. I'm also in a world of physical hurt today. We're getting a new floor installed in our kitchen on Wednesday and Home Depot charges $150 to move a toilet, $150 to move a pedestal sink, $45 to move an oven and $45 to move a fridge. That's $390 that I can save by doing hardly anything.....except Winnie The Fridge wouldn't fit through the closest doorway and I had to push/pull/shimmy/lug/walk it to the next closest one and then spin it to make it fit through the door. It's now sitting in our family room which is damn convenient when you want some ice cream. It's 11:20 PM. I want some ice cream.

More Wheel of Death

I mined YouTube and this is the best act I could find that describes what we saw. Our show only had the dual pod wheel. Crazy people.

Dough!

I heard something on Howard Stern this morning that shocked me. The voice actors for The Simpsons just signed a new deal paying them each $400,000 per episode. You read that right, per episode. Thats $8.8 million dollars a year kids. They can show up in their underwear. Arte Lang said they are to the point after all these years where they know just how to deliver each line and it probably takes them less than 2 hours per week. From what I could find on Google, right now Charlie Sheen is getting $350,000 per episode and he has to actually act in front of the camera and memorize lines to get his cheddar. I'm a capitalist at heart and I say go get whatever you can and I don't blame the actors if that's what the market will pay, but isn't this just a tad out of whack? People complain about football players making too much money. Our own Big Ben Roethlisberger just signed a deal paying him essentially $10 million per year. Some people were outraged at the figure on blogs. Really? The NFL's true season is about 11 months any more with all the camps and organized conditioning. I'm not defending him making $10 million, but let's be real - look what an NFL player goes through! They get beaten up for 16 weeks plus the preseason and playoffs. They live at the facilities from camp through the pro bowl watching film, studying, lifting, running.....they could literally end up in a wheelchair on every play. The voice of Homer Simpson will earn $8.8 million (not including royalties or syndication) for delivering his lines while reading them...probably in his sleep. How crazy are the pay scales in the world? I've come across bumbling idiot big wigs at companies that make $1,000,000 easy in a year and they don't know their ass from a hole in the ground. If you find out somebody makes $250,000 per year you are so impressed with that number the person must be the most skilled surgeon in the area or a pretty successful lawyer or something. We pay the President of the United States of America $400,000 per year and the cast....voice cast.... of The Simpsons gets $400,000 for a 22 minute episode. How much is that per sentence? Again, I don't blame the actors, but damn....just....damn. The teachers that are teaching our kids get 60k after they've been there a while. Policemen who have to walk up to a driver after midnight in bad parts of town not knowing what to expect get paid what? Soldiers get paid what? It seems to me when most American professionals work over 40 hours per week and the national average household income is $48,000 - a fair wage for voice talent would be....even at super star status....$100,000 per year. 19% of all US households make over $100,000 per year. I bet a lot of those are dual income families as well. People read that Simpsons blurb and it doesn't even register anymore what celebrities make. At least a stand-up comedian is on the road working it. Bands are out touring and playing, living out of buses. I'm having a hard time getting my head around these folks pulling down $400k per episode. I should have worked on my silly voices more. I can do a mean Marvin Martian......and my daughter simply cracks up when I do that caterpillar guy from Bug's Life. I guess it bugs me a little that they are doing the same thing they did in 1989 for probably $15,00 per episode...the same thing....only now it's more popular. Ok, so I'm just jealous and I don't wear it well.....leave me alone........

New Kevin Smith Trailer - Zack and Miri

Just when I haven't Jones'd to see in a new movie in some time, I got this nugget tonight. I love me some Kevin Smith (as you know). Like it isn't weird enough I ran into him and his daughter in Philly while filming Jersey Girl, Still A Dad's neighbor across the street has worked on several ViewAskew films as the Construction Coordinator and got a mention on KS's podcast a while back. The trailer is funny. The man is so articulate and intelligent, yet he writes the best potty humor around....because it's not just potty humor....it's "smart" potty humor (if that makes any sense). It would be hard to defend him to some - but if you really "get" him, you get him. He just happens to talk a certain way, and in reality, it's a beautiful thing because he's not fronting for anybody. He's brutally honest on his blog and in his podcasts and it's just who he is, minus the act. I wish more people could be like that.

Cirque Du Soleil - Kooza

We went back to see Cirque Du Soleil again this past weekend. That's 3 times for us in as many years. This time Kooza was in town, last time (blogged) it was Quidam. I have to tell you, there is something in this show that made my heart stop about 10 times. I could feel my little girl's grip on my knee tightening and you could hear people gasping every few seconds. What do they call this act? The Wheel Of Death. Does anyone know the Jon Lovitz reference here? It's hilarious but another story entirely... Normally I'm impressed enough with the show on exit, but this time we talked about two of the acts the entire way home. I also didn't shell out $300 for tickets and parking this time around. I got an email about an extended week and went online to buy the tix 30 seconds after receiving it. I got the best seats possible in the tier II tickets so 3 seats were only $140 and parking was $20. Of course getting all you can eat sushi for lunch drives the cost up a bit, but again, I think days like this are important for bunky pants....getting some culture in her otherwise scheduled life. The one act that was superb (and included a fall) was a high wire act. I remember when people used to just walk the damn things. These guys were doing incredible things. The fall occurred when one stopped in the middle and another of the troupe came running from his pedestal and tried to leapfrog the stationary guy. He made it over but missed the landing. With the crowd in his corner....he returned to try it again and made it. The place went bananas. For their finale, they brought out 2 bikes and a bar with shoulder harnesses. The bikes with no tires were ridden by two guys wearing the harnessed bar. A third guy got on the harnessed bar. Like that wasn't crazy enough, they then balanced a chair on the bar and the guy stood on the chair while they rode across the bar. Crazy. The act that brought the house down, though was The Wheel of Death. As trance-like music played, two big dudes looking like evil court jesters stalked the stage. As you can see in the picture, they got this thing moving around fast enough to create a breeze in the tent. What's crazy is as their "pod" cleared the apex, they would jump, and not land until the pod was at about 3:00 o'clock. That was sick enough. What came next shocked me. One dude left his pod and I thought it was over. Uh-Uh. He grabbed the outside of the empty pod the next time it came around and was now clinging to it. Mind you, there's no net. He falls and he's broccoli. So, hanging on isn't enough, he now stands up and starts to run in order to always be in the right place as it rotates. Words can't do it justice. Next, he whips out a jump rope and starts jumping rope as he goes around faster and faster....all while being on the OUTSIDE of one of the pods you see pictured here. He stumbled once while jumping and I thought he was toast. The next pass around, he skipped about 10 times on one foot while never missing a jump. Ok, he threw the rope away - now they're done. No they aren't. This is where a woman behind me screamed and I got a little nervous for his safety, as his pod reached high noon, he would leap and do karate kicks, and wouldn't land until the pod was at 3:00 or 4:00 o'clock. He did it on 10-15 passes in succession each time free falling longer and longer before landing back on top of the pod. It's the first time I can ever remember in my life being so "Oh My Gawd!" about a performance like this. When everyone came out by act at the end of the show for curtain calls, the crowd was twice as loud for these two guys. It was sick. It was crazy sick. When the trapeze artist and high wire acts went to the really dangerous stuff, a net was added to the set. These guys had no net. When you think about it, other entertainers make millions of dollars per year...golfers face no danger...you get my drift...what do these guys get paid? I hope a lot. My only criticism of the show is the ordering of the acts. They followed the Wheel of Death with inferior acts instead of ending with it. A juggler came out and was terrific, but after seeing what we saw - unless he juggled a sword, a flaming cannonball and a grizzly bear......a hungry grizzly bear.....you couldn't reproduce the fear and excitement from the other two acts. This show even included a short double bass drum solo as after one act with a percussive backdrop, they rolled out the drummer on a platform and let him kick it for 2-3 minutes. He was tight. I have to say, the show was worth every penny. Mad, mad props to the crazy court jester dudes.

The Ice Cream Man

Man, I remember it like it was yesterday, not at my house though - Still A Dad was too smart to pay fifty cents for something that was only worth ten.... What is this rant about? The Ice Cream Man, of course. The only place I remember getting to buy from the dude in the orange truck was at my grandmother's. Her sister lived right beside her and the second we heard the truck, the coins started to change hands. To tell you the truth, I don't remember a thing about the Ice Cream Man from 1975 in western PA. The fact that I don't have nightmares about him tells me that he was probably a stand up guy...clean cut, polite....well spoken. Welcome to 2008 in the big city burbs. Where in the flying fig newton do they truck these guys in from to drive this overpriced shit around? The immaculate white van with a sliding screen door for service plays music that is not unlike the sirens Jason and his posse probably heard. My daughter, knowing full well we have a freezer stocked with frozen goodness looks at me with those puppy dog eyes and screams "Ice Cream Man!" like so many generations have before her. I look at my wife, who looks at me and we roll our eyes at each other. Yes, princess is told she can get something....but not a freaking $3.00 frozen treat. How about a nice Italian ice? Fine....take Daddy's hard earned money and go enjoy yourself. We are air-conditioning whores so rare is the day we even hear the damn van. As I walk her outside to stand with the money I see the van and it stops. In a split second decision, I wanted to throw a blanket over my daughter and pick her up like a roll of carpet and run away with her. I had seen the devil and his name I can't pronounce. I sent buttercup back up the driveway with her order and told her I would bring it to her. I sucked in my gut, puffed out what little chest I have left and put a scowl on my face that would send...oh I don't know....librarians running. With my OG attitude I ordered the Italian Ice and shot this crazy bastard a look that hopefully told him to not go to his sicko little notebook where he makes lots of misspelled scribblings about cute little girls and the addresses they live at. I asked him if he was having a busy day to engage him in a battle of wits. When he replied yes I told him I was busy too. I was meeting my shooting buddies and we were going over to the target place to put some holes in some targets. Yeah, now who's creepy, buddy? Go sell your frozen pedophile pops to some other neighborhood kid. But really, what are these companies thinking when they hire these dudes? I mean, they're making, I don't know, 1700% profit on some of that stuff.....can't they hire a nice clean cut college guy who would wear a 1950's white ice cream parlor get-up? COME ON! Ice Cream van owners of the suburbs....are you listening? We (Overly Cautious Dad's or OCD) do not trust your drivers! They look like Charles Manson albeit from another country. Please send us a Goddamn Ice Cream Man that I can feel good about letting my daughter place her own order with. Cheese and crackers this gets under my collar. I have enough stuff to worry about. I would be afraid....AFRAID...to open up the storage freezer in this dude's van. I would be all "Oh, Mrs. Johnson....how did you get in there? Hey, your lips are blue, are you Ok?" and then when I turned around quickly to confront my "friendly" person-napper (I totally just made that up) I would be too late as the sharp end of a frozen sugar cone got jammed 4 inches deep into my orbital socket. They play their music loud to cover up the kids screaming.....that's all I'm saying. We now play a new game at my house. When I hear the van coming....I start singing Van Halen's Ice Cream Man at the top of my lungs. Princess hands me $1 and I truck on over to the freezer and grab her something.....and I'm still making a sweet profit.