Cut It The #$%& Out!

Listen you stupid Muslim terrorists, and you ARE terrorists...not "freedom fighters". What is your obsession with jets and airliners? Why can't you quietly infiltrate America's borders and start blowing up Wal-Marts and country music radio stations? Then you might get some people on your side. I have to fly to Atlanta in a few weeks and now I have to check my damn luggage or buy my "personal items" while I'm there. Jesus, I can't take water on the plane or a Diet Coke, gel shoe inserts, shampoo, toothpaste and God knows what else. Pretty soon we're going to check everything and just ride the plane in the buff - which might be pretty cool except I always end up next to a Rosie O'Donnel type instead of a Jessica Alba type. This is a SNAFU anyway you look at it. They are saying vital medication and baby formulas are OK. Oh, OK, well - what's stopping Al-Assid-Fu-Q from mixing up a batch of Carnation's Big Gaping Hole in the seat right in front of me? Really?! I mean I just read this morning where our x-ray machines cannot detect shoe explsoives - yet I STILL have to take my shoes off as a precaution. Against what? To make sure I don't bring down the plane with my bunion? Stop, or I'll rub my athlete's foot all over the captain! Get serious. It said that an explosive the size of a shoe insert no thicker than 1/4 inch COULD NOT be detected and it's enough to bring down a plane. Why are we reporting this in the media? I did NOT need to know this. However, Affer-Um-Ug-Li was very happy to read that last night. The entire airline industry is totally F'd up right now. We're going to end up being like Israel and questioning each person for an hour after probing their ass to ask them why they want to go to Disney World. Listen, I have a serious 2 part solution to this problem. Dead serious - I'm not kidding. Why won't it be implemented? Because it makes too much sense, that's why.

Number 1: Raise the price of friggin tickets and HIRE and TRAIN competent people to do the searches and x-rays. I've flown 20+ times since 9/11 and only 1 guy impressed me as giving a shit. Really, most people checking IDs in the line are fine if you just wave it at them. Not one person ever looked at my ID and then really looked at me to make sure it was me. NOT ONE! Listen, if you want to fly to Las Vegas or Orlando or Italy...you are not going to care one bit if they raise the price $100 per ticket. If you are going, you are GOING. Nobody stopped driving when gas went from $1.50 to $3.25 - so why would people stop flying if Orlando cost $325 instead of $150? People fly for convenience (that's a joke in itsef), you have to pay for convenience. Nobody is going to take this seriously until it happens again. We still don't check every checked bag from what I understand. We need to pay these people like they are high profile professionals. We need to test them and if they fail - they are fired - easy as that. No union bullshit. You miss something on a realtime test, you are fired....you wanna see people take their job seriously? Do that. Raise prices and PAY THEM!

Number 2: We need to devise a system that will make 95% of Americans "Safe Flyers". What does that mean - only a small percentage of Safe Flyers would ever be searched at random. They can check stuff but they wouldn't get pulled out of line for extensive hand searches and stuff. How would we do this? I don't know...get a good economist like Steven Levitt, the author of "Freakonomics" to devise a system where if you are 3rd generation born here and have been steadily employed for 5 years and own property - or something else like you have flown 25 times in the past for the same business...you can file a form where you will be checked out ONCE by a committee of agencies....it might even take a year to clear...but once you clear...you're in the clear! Abu-Basi-Gote-Effer moves here after his student Visa expires...you check his ass out EVERY single time he flies..top to bottom...tear the bags apart...you have time since you saved time by not searching everyone who has the Safe Flyer card.

Is that profiling? You bet your sweet ass it is. If a lion rips somebody to shreds in a zoo, you don't start punishing the otters. I fear we won't take this problem seriously until something happens involving planes again. I hope I'm wrong.