Slanted Simon Says: Zzzzzzzzzzz

Why the Zzzzzzzz's? Not because I found the show boring, but because I slept through it. I woke up at 8:50 and caught it on DVR. I got home from work and promptly threw up within 10 minutes of walking in the door. Shaky legs, hot sweats.....out of nowhere. Went to bed for a few hours, felt good as new. Weird. Maybe I'm pregnant? Or maybe I had bad tuna for lunch? Wow - can't wait to see Still A Dog's comment about how there is no such thing as bad tuna. On to the show...which you really don't miss much by watching it in 25 minutes as opposed to 60:

1. David Cook Can't Lose
2. Syesha - Wow. Don't call it a comeback...
3. David Archuleta - more of the same
4. Carly Smithson - the new Pat Benatar
5. Brook White - Worst performance that I can remember for her
6. Jason Dreads - Boo. Just.......boo.

The Big Word Project

Man did I get sucked into a new website hoping it goes hyper-viral. If you didn't already know, I launched a website last month (wealthblocks.com) that deals with saving money, and more importantly, the future value of money. I won't bore you with the details, you can click the link or the graphic on your right to check it out. Back to the other website - I subscribe to Wired magazine and came across an article just yesterday about The Big Word Project. It's kind of like the Million DollarWebsite 2.0. If you remember, the kid that started MillionDollarWebsite sold 1,000,000 pixels at $1 a piece. Lots of people came to check it out - lot's of people got cheap advertising for their sites. TBWP is in the same genre I guess - you buy a word...any word....and link it to whatever you want. It costs $1 per letter. It hasn't been up that long and I didn't think I'd be able to buy any good words but I was surprised when I went this morning. Even though over 2,400 words have been purchased - I was still able to snag FRUGAL, SAVE & CALCULATOR. The last one was kind of key since I named the tool on my site "The Calc-U-LATER". Sweet. Cheap Ads if people see them. Very good words for what my site does content-wise. I looked around on the site for a long time and got a kick out of the sites I saw. Best one? Look up "socialist" - somebody linked it to Obama's website. Nice! If you go, also see where "Burgh" goes. Word. Oh yeah....SLANT is there as well.

Sardines, Anyone?

I would kill somebody. Seriously. Dead. I don't like people even bumping into me. How in the hell do they get off the train if they are in the middle? Is this a joke? I thought everything on this here Internet was true?

Slanted Simon Says: "Ew"

Wow. When I was younger, I remember Mariah Carey being such a hottie. Not anymore. The years haven't been too kind to her and she's still young. Ish. Can you imagine what an intolerable person she must be in private? She seems like such a diva. More #1's than Elvis as a solo artist? Quick..name five of them! See, can't do it can you? However, you can roll out Elvis songs all day long. 19 #1's and if pressed, maybe I could name 1 or 2 by their correct titles. Anyway - here is this week's list, just based on this week:

1. David Cook. Lock. Stock. Barrel.
2. Brook White. Dug. It's the voice and the character in the voice.
3. David Archuleta. Not sure he can win against Cook, but may have more teeny boppers vote for him.
4. Kristi Lee Cook. Rarely hits a bad note. Lacks stage presence and star power.
5. Carly Smithson. Once a force now running on empty.
6. Jason Dreads. Just don't get it. Not at all. I think the only reason the judges say they like him is because we haven't seen a winner in his genre yet. I'm telling you....it's the ONLY reason.
7. Syesha. I once thought she could maybe win......no way, not now, not ever.

The Sky Is Falling

This is weird. I read this article and instead of being alarmed at the thought of the destruction of both coasts and a never ending cloud of dust......I focus instead on the math. The article claims there are over 40,000 satellites in orbit. Really? No, really? A quick search of Sputnik, the first satellite, shows that it went up in 1957. It's 2008. That's 51 years (says Captain Obvious). That's 18,615 days give or take. That's 2.15 satellites per day being launched into space since the first one. So, I'm also guessing that 2 per day didn't start flying the day after Sputnik went? Right? If only one per month went up for the first decade....how many does that leave for the last 10 years? I find that number hard to believe - very hard to believe. Could it be a typo? I'm too tired to research it. Why do I care? 40,000? Give me some quarters.

Timisuckia

So I'm watching John Adams on HBO and I'm enjoying the crap out of it. I have to admit, it's the first time in my 39 years that I've seen these historical figures as real people and not just a painting or a cartoon. To see the brash Adams have a debate with the much more sophisticated Thomas Jefferson is television gold. I'm enjoying it so much that after last night's episode, I hopped on Wikipedia for what turned into a huge time suck. I started off by reading Adams' entire entry. I branched off to read things he authored and to read about treaties and loans he brokered. George Washington is also involved in most of the episodes so I read more about the French and Indian war which had a famous battle really close to where I grew up. I never really knew the history of the fort or the battle until last night. I know I've toured the place and heard the canned speech - but I was probably 8 and pulling some girl's hair while the speaker was going on and on. I then trailed over to read about General Braddock, a British general who served near my hometown as well . Not much on him on Wikipedia, but still enlightening. Finally, although I've sat through the retelling of his story more than a few times - I went out looking for information on Zachariah Connell. I used to go fishing right where his reconstructed cabin is located. Washington crossed the Yough right around that area as well. Did he sleep there one night on his way west? I can't remember completely, but I think so. From what I remember, a lot of famous folks stopped in there to stay over on their way west. Anyway - it;s a wonder I didn't dream about colonial times last night after watching 90 minutes on TV and then reading until midnight. But no, my dreams were the same......getting kidnapped by Desperate Housewives and SI cover girls.

Boycott, Scmoycott

Great. Now Dr. Z on SI.com is suggesting countries boycott the Olympics because of China and Tibet...blah blah blah. Again, how about we blame the folks who picked China? If I was an Olympic athlete (and I could have been....is toenail clipping a sport?) and my country canceled because of the host county's human rights record, I would go ballistic. All the hours of training? All the dedication? I'm not saying it's not a good cause and I'm not condoning anything. I'm saying there are other ways to get them to stop abusing peeps. Don't take it out on the athletes. They are going to end up getting the short end of the pole vault stick. Can't we just intercept their satellite TV signals after the Olympics and make them watch nothing but Rosie O'Donnel reruns? Can't we block their radio transmitters and jam them with nothing but Creed? Did the last boycott work? I think not. Stop making the Olympics political.

Simple Solution To Olympic Torch

You know what? This isn't going to be popular, but I have a way to solve the Olympic Torch problem of all these protesters running around trying to put it out......shoot them. Shoot them in their stupid heads. Yeah, I guess that's a little extreme, so let's shoot them, shoot them in their stupid legs? Ok, China government needs a little help with human rights, but you know what, the men and women selected to run with the torch didn't freaking pick Beijing to host the Olympics. Blame the stupid bribed committee that did. Typically it's a big deal to carry the torch and you have to apply and/or be nominated and stuff like that. For these idiots to be out there messing around with these people is ludicrous. If you meet and protest in peace somewhere like the lawn of the White House, fine. Add the hunting aspect of trying to put the torch out and now you get bored college kids and seekers of fame involved. In my mind, you can't even blame China. They had to win the bid. Somebody had to pick them. The pampered folks that made that call are sleeping soundly while innocent people trying to carry on a tradition are dealing with a huge pile of bullshit. Trot the secret service out there to run with the torch. Anyone but the runner gets within 5 yards of the torch.....pop them. Taser the living daylights out of them. Squirt them with high pressure water. Make them listen to Abba. I don't care what method they use, just don't let them become part of the show.

Slanted Simon Says - Give Back

Geez, I didn't post anything last night on the show because I fell asleep on the floor. Nothing like waking up with carpet burn on your face....but I did see the show before zonking out. Based only on last night:

1. Brooke White - Not that she was superb, but everyone else was a shade off.
2. David Cook - Weird song. Who?
3. Kristi Lee Cook - Nice job!
4. David Archuleta - Meh.
5. Carly Smithson - Good, not great.
6. Micahel Johns - Not consistent at all.
7. Jason Dreads - Why do they like him so much? Stinkin' weirdo sissy pants.
8. Syesha Mercado - Liked her in the beginning and thought she was a threat. No more.

Did anyone notice when they pointed out that William Ford dude in the crowd? Have you ever seen anyone so uncomfortable in their own skin? Ick. He reminded me of Al Gore when his advisers told him to loosen up so he took off his jacket and rolled up his sleeves. Al cannot be casual with that giant stick up his ass. Ford looked like he had a meeting with 4 advisors who told him what to wear and he changed clothes 3 times before coming out. What an idiot. Be yourself, you jackass. Kids of today see right through fake.....and dude, you looked like a $3 bill.

Hogs, Lots of Hogs

A quick look around some mock drafts have our beloved Steelers taking another DE/OLB type or a CB return-man demon (Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie) in the first round. A few have us taking the Virgina guard - but I want to know why ALL of them don't have us taking a HOG? I don't care if it's a guard, center, tackle....I want me a HOG. A big mean one! One we can have for 6-8 years minimum. I read the draft book on the Virgina kid ( Branden Albert) and one of his weaknesses is lack of football knowledge as he didn't start playing until late in his school days. He was a standout hoops guy before his football career took off. It also says he's a better pass blocker than a run blocker and that his motor runs hot and cold. Damn. I was starting to get depressed until I saw that Chris Long also has some "weaknesses" listed as well. I wouldn't care if we piled up the HOGS and had bacon for the first two or three courses! I could live with a supreme corner, but if they take another LB, I won't be happy. They could go DL as well, but if you ask any fan, even a casual fan, what our biggest hole was last year, they'll say OL without a doubt.

You Decide The Title

What's a better title for this story:

A. Once Upon A Time......

B. Bush Kills Baby, Then Mother.....

C. Her second cousin's wife's plumber's helper said.....

It kills me that this keeps happening. We'll need another verse or two in Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start The Fire" if she gets elected....

"Bullets whizzing past her head,
no insurance - now you're dead,
I did not kill not one Vince Foster,
Sharks can't breath right in White Water......

I'm too tired Bill, My head hurts,
Go ahead and chase that skirt.
Just be careful don't get caught,
But if you do I'll leave you not.

Bang that big fat Jewish girl,
Make it like the Tilt-A-Whirl,
Just don't leave no DNA,
and everything will be OK......Ooooops.

Free Craigslist Items

Slow weekend for free stuff in my area. All I could find was this poor deer and this weird ad. It almost makes me think the Cheerios ad is a signal to someone. "hey jimmy, he posted the cheerios, we can go get the body now........".

Damn Dirty Apes

Weird. Totally weird. Last night the family was tired. Everyone went to bed early and I was wide awake. I flipped through the pay channels and saw that Reality Bites was on and about to start. It's a Gen X movie starring Winona Ryder back when she was a starlet with a future. A young Ben Stiller is also involved as is Jeanine Garafolo and Ethan "I have....a little....GIRL" Hawke. I decided to watch it even though I have "The Good Shepherd" DVR'd and ready to watch. I've seen it before, maybe even twice, but not in a long time and I remember really liking it, with the exception of Hawke singing the Violent Femmes near the end. In the movie, if you know it, Ryder goes to Stiller's office and breaks his collectible statue of Dr. Zaius - the orange ape with the high IQ from Planet of the Apes. When Tim Burton remade the movie (which was terrible) the only bright spot was Paul Giamatti playing Zaius....which reminds me, if you aren't watching John Adams starring Giamatti on HBO - you are missing out....bigtime. So, I saw Zaius last night. I wake up today, come downstairs, and the news is running the Charlton "...from my cold dead fingers" Heston obituary piece over and over..... Every time they show a clip from Planet of the Apes, you guessed it, Dr. Zaius is front and center. Weird. I go years without ever thinking about a movie character and then BAM! I get a double dose in the span of 7 hours.

Frustrated In Dayton

Ok. Well, I like to see where my traffic is coming from every few days. I find it interesting to see how people landing on my page. Check this one out! First, look at the location: Dayton, Ohio. Next, look at the search words: "Ben Roethlisberger Clubs Baby Seals". Nice. We're in their heads already and it's not even draft day. Ohio. This person is probably jealous that Benny left his home state and found true glory. Freaks. I tried to post the page from my report but it translated poorly from a cut/paste. You'll just have to take my word for it.

Waddler Plot Broken Up

So, by this time everyone has heard about the group of third graders in Georgia that planned on assaulting their teacher. However, with all the other controversies going on in the world, this one was missed. It seems that a gang of waddling toddlers in a Detroit suburb also hatched a plot last week against their daycare "teacher" Miss Muffy. The weapons they were able to cache were astounding. Found in the leader's (Ry-Ry) cubby were : a small mallet not unlike the ones used to bash wooden pegs through a board, several baby aspirin, teeny tiny nail clippers, an olive sword (Miss Muffy drinks her "lunches") and one-third of a ball of yarn.....pink. Most of the group of five cannot yet speak well enough to defend their suspicious actions, but they have left as evidence a series of drawings that can only be described as "sheer terror". One depicts the muscle of the group, Jimmy Poo Poo, smearing what appears to be, well....Poo, into the face of the teacher who is being held down by Sally "Pancakes" Jenkins. One of the little girls, Lysol, is able to form simple sentences and gave the following statement before going into the preliminary hearing: "Gooble babba gibble NO. Gooble babba gibble NO. dabba....MINE! faffa badda NO! .......i need go potty".

Silverback Red-Assed

Hmmm. Hey Denmark, do you smell something rotting? I have mixed feelings about this. I want to attack it from many angles. First and foremost, Peter (Steelers Hater) King posted an article the other day calling the Steelers hypocritical for cutting Cedric Wilson and keeping James Harrison. Let me address that first. If he or anyone else is suggesting the Steelers cut Harrison for his alleged offense - they should have their heads examined. Pacman Jones got someone shot and the Titans didn't cut him. He was suspended for a year and the Titans didn't cut him. Ray Lewis was up for murder charges and the Ravens didn't cut him! You almost have to go to jail before a team will cut you. Look at Chris Henry. Yes, he finally got cut, but after 37 offenses. Here's the straight poop - Cedric Wilson is a marginal player. He didn't get cut just because he popped his girlfriend....terrible as that may be. He was on the chopping block already and then screwed up and they just dropped the guillotine sooner. He was on his way out, peeps - true that. Plus - this wasn't his first offense! The police recently had a standoff at his house over a domestic dispute. For King not to mention that is huge. Also, King is suggesting that the Cowboys trading for Pacman is a good idea, so is he condoning Pacman's behavior? I am not condoning ANYTHING and neither did Dan Rooney, but Jesus people, wake up. You cannot compare walking into a bar, walking straight up to a girl and punching her in the face - to busting down a door, breaking a cell phone and (insert choice of story here - One account was a slap - One account was putting a hand on the face and pushing). He should have never laid a finger on her, but just from reading the reports, it's not like walking into a bar and punching a woman in front of witnesses. All that being said, I'm betting the chick is driving around in a Hummer this time next week - because if Harrison didn't make promises and pay her off to drop the charges, maybe somebody else......did? No matter how this story ends, James Harrison - the mighty Silverback - should be red-assed embarrassed. He should also watch his step. The Steelers may believe in second chances, they won't believe in thirds though. If someone gets into an argument with somebody and it turns to blows and one person dies, I do not equate that with someone who hides in the bushes and stalks a stranger, killing them and hacking them up into little pieces. Wow, ok, that's not fair either, but there are different levels of assault.

Gas Prices

I stopped to fill up with gas on my way home from work the other night. I went to a place I've never stopped at before - new job - new route - new area. The freaking gas pumps had televisions on them...playing TMZ type clips, ESPN clips and local weather. Can't we even pump gas in peace? Wouldn't no frills pumps save us money? Not including football related programming or movies, I don't watch a ton of TV. I watch a ton of net surfing, but that's a different story. Maybe if I could use Google for 8 minutes while I spend $60 I would feel better about my lost 8 minutes. I've pumped gas Lord knows how many times in my life, not once have I wondered what was on TV while doing it. I'm usually in a trance, staring at traffic, taking a life break, thinking about the smell of the gas, thinking about a stale donut from inside the station.....never about an E! snippet. I think just like I can choose to not get a receipt - I should be able to choose to turn off the TV while pumping.....unless of course, American Idol clips are on.....oh I just threw that in to see if Still A Pavlov would salivate.

Guess The Article Topic

It's short (the article), but contains things like "discharge, wood, aims, naked, baton, rock". The funniest line is "investigators have yet to determine at what point the three officers shot the man". Well I'm stumped. I'd say immediately after "Williams then assaulted and injured an officer before gaining control of the officer’s impact weapon" which was presented two sentences earlier. Case closed. Who (in the F) is the moron investigating this case?

Ramiele Noodled Out

My thoughts for a picture tonight were for either a package of Ramen Noodles or the crazy old lady puppet "Madame". Why Madame? Are you serious? It's like Dolly Parton whistled "9 to 5" while cutting Madame's picture out of Puppet's Illustrated magazine to take to her plastic surgeon...."Here...I want to look like this". It worked you scary-ass, big titty, skeleton lookin' thing. I hate making fun of her because my grandfather liked her, but then I think, well, my grandfather and I shared some genes....so he probably just liked her big 'ole hooters (when they were young and taut). You go Grandpap. Glad Ramiele is gone. Jason Dreads has been locked on target for next week, unless of course it's Reggae week and he's allowed to bring a big mad bag of weed on stage with him while he's jammon'.

Slanted Simon Says Sleep

Wow. This was the most boring week I can remember for American Idol season seven. A real snoozer. I watched my laptop more than the show. I'm not even sure it's worth listing the singers out, but here goes.....with few comments.
1. Carly, I dug it
2. Michael Johns, dug
3. Brook White, I honestly like her voice, very much!
4. David Cook, my least favorite DC performance ever
5. David Archuleta, meh
6. Kristi Lee Cook, yawn
7. Jason Dreads, eh
8. Syesha Marcado, wow. pitchy. really pitchy.
9. Ramiele, really ready for her to go