Be afraid. Be very afraid. We hear all the time on the news how a simple prop in a terrorist video or a single word in a press release can trigger an attack. Terrorists are very adept at using symbols and signals. I may have uncovered a local plot myself. A little background first. My office likes to eat Chinese food on Wednesdays. I've included the front and back pages of the menu from our closest provider of oriental cuisine. Well, Ok, we call it Chinese, but as you can see from the menu - they serve szechuan, hunan and cantonese. Needless to say, it's an oriental establishment.....or is it? Maybe they are North Korean and hate all Americans? Look at the cover of the menu. Do you see anything odd? At first glance, it looks like every other oriental takeout menu in the US. You have the "all you can eat" price, the frolicking Panda bears on a fan and the obligatory oriental symbols which could say "Die a horrible death you filthy American, you" for all we know. Now, look near the top at the chef/waiter. First of all, he doesn't look oriental to me. He's chubby and he has round eyes. Also, notice the duplicity - he's wearing a chef's hat, yet he's carrying the tray like a waiter would. Interesting. Lastly - look what's on the tray for God's sake. It's a....it's a....chinese rootbeer float? WTF? And a sandwich? And what's the other item? I can't even tell. Creamer? Sugar? For what? This chubby round-eyed profession confused "spy" is delivering a bologna sandwich and rootbeer float - there is no need for either creamer OR sugar. You figure it out. I can assure you, there is no sandwich on this menu. And not only are there no floats, there are no beverages. Hmmmmmm. How can I tell it's a sandwich and not a burger? Fool! It's cut in half! That's an obvious clue. While A&W serves rootbeer floats, they do not serve sandwiches. To me, this is a clue about an establishment that serves both floats AND sandwiches. Let's turn our attention now to the back page of the menu. You guessed it, the lunch specials. Here you will find things like Moo Shu Pork, General Tso's Chicken and......singing tomatos? Three of them....with nine musical notes. That's 3 notes each and I'm positive that's significant. I'm not sure about you, but I've eaten about 1,132 chinese meals since 1990. Not once have I come across a tomato. Why not singing water chestnuts? Why not, indeed. There is also a single tomato prominently featured on the front of the menu, yet strangely enough, it is not singing. In fact, it appears to be unanimated. Does "unanimated" equate to dead? And what of the onion? Oh, how I wish I had paid closer attention while my daughter was in her Blue's Clues years. Broccoli is also prominently featured on the cover. I don't know about you, but broccoli gives me gas. Tomatos signify something Italian to me when I see them on a menu. But, since there is no lasagna listed here, what should I assume? Surely the mafia of the boot country wouldn't have anything to do with this sinister plot? Yes, this menu rivals the Dead Sea Scrolls for it's complexity and leaves many questions unanswered. For instance, notice they open at 11:00 AM but the Lunch Buffet doesn't start until 11:15 AM. I'm going down there tomorrow, incognito, to see what happens if I order the Lunch Buffet at 11:08 AM. Will the cashier give me a knowing wink and assume I'm in on the plot? Why did they choose to add another line under "Only $5.25" for "Take Out Lunch Buffet $5.25"? Why not just say "Also Available To Go"? I'll tell you why...they needed to get the words "Take Out" on the menu because it's part of their evil plot. While an untrained eye might not catch it, I was quickly able to unscramble the name of the establishment "Panda Pavilion" to get part of the message: "Di Paopl in a van". So, for the unfortunate who cannot see through this cloak and dagger menu - let me translate it for you. On the day of 5/25, sometime between 11:00 and 11:15 AM, a slightly chubby man who may or may not be wearing a chef's hat but will have round eyes, will smash a van loaded with gas right into the local Friendly's through the TAKE OUT window while screaming "Die People". If you "sing" about this plot to anyone, 3 guys from the Chinese Mafia will make sure you end up unanimated by putting 3 bullets each right into your onion. Case Closed.
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