We Want You

This is from an AP story released today:

The fugitive terror chief Abu Hamza al-Muhajir said experts in the fields of "chemistry, physics, electronics, media and all other sciences — especially nuclear scientists and explosives experts" should join his group's jihad, or holy war, against the West.

The Associated Press missed some of the coverage though as they mistook a pregnated pause as the end of his plea. Steel City Slant's recorders were still rolling as al-Muhajir continued his request for particular fields. "We need the proctologists to massage and stretch our tiny assholes. We need someone who can build a perfect turkey kaiser, with just the right amount of mayo. We need someone who can shine the shoes so good that his own image is visi.....oh, we wear sandals...OK forget the shine boy and instead make it someone who can tie the two cans together with the string to make a next generation "talkie" device. We need one brave soul who will experiment with the bathing every day. I would like one person who can explain to me why we still dress like it is 67 BC. I would like somebody to teach me how to groom my goddamn moustache evenly as it is much ticker on de one side like the goat and yet the other side is not so tick like de goat but still OK I guess. I would like it if the same man could then explain to me the eyebrows as I try to pluck dem to match but as you can see I cannot. I would like to talk to someone about getting me a pair of the sunglasses like that cool guy from Saudi Arabia wears when he is on the TV. I would like a PR person to get my name out there so I am recognized for the genius that I am....Hitler, bin Laden...ah-muharjir. I would like a plumber or two so I could stop de pooping in the sand and covering it up much like your domestic house cats and I would have them put in some indoor plumbing but not with the ass picks like the Brits have since they scare me when I am there. Finally, I would like it very very much if you could send me some of the western porn so I can stop masturbating while thinking about the soft, subtle sexy curves and skin of my secretary's ankles. Ummm, die all you Western dogs.

Yeah. Thanks, Abu. Isn't Abu the name of the monkey in Disney's Aladdin? In the words of great American Johnny Carson, "May the flies of a thousand camels infest your mother's armpits."