You know what? I hate squirrels. Are they cute? Yes. Do we feed them peanuts off of the back patio? Yes. Are they a nuisance? YES! I've taken a liking to bird feeders and bird houses the older I get. We have a garden area that I have a ton of feeders and houses in, and I can't keep the damn squirrels out of anything that is labeled "Squirrel Proof". I paid a lot of money for a 4 pronged wrought iron shepherd's hook at Home Depot and then I mail ordered a Squirrel Baffle which is a wide long tube with a dead end that you slip onto a pole. Thing is, most heavy shepherd's hooks have a forked bottom which will not allow you to slip the baffle on. I had to buy an inferior pole to use the thing on and the hanging arm doesn't reach out far enough to keep the feeder away from the baffle. Sigh. For the 4-pronged jobbie I bought one of those big plastic saucers but it was made for hanging from a hook before a feeder, not for stopping the climbing of the pole. So, I drilled a hole through the pole, threaded it with an insulation hanger, bent the hanger and put the disk above the hanger. Great, except that the damn squirrels jump from my very short rock wall to the top of the saucer and then quickly (because it's like a see-saw) grab the pole and continue on their way to my expensive food. I'll fix them. I bought a tubed feeder that has a cage around it to keep the squirrels away from the food. I watch helplessly from the windows as they jump from the ground to the bird bath to the cage and then hang on the cage for up to 30 minutes eating away upside down. Sigh. I have 6 squirrel feeders in retrospect. While Christmas shopping at Target last weekend, I picked up another "squirrel proof" feeder. This one is really cool as you can see in the picture. It's a globed cage to allow smaller birds in to feed while keeping those pesky tree rats out. On this one the cage is far enough away from the food that they won't hang on it and just reach in. HA! I thought I would hang this one by our big window to allow the two cats to watch the birds feed. I needed a new feeder to replace the plastic Finch feeder that was there. Why was? Because I found it behind some bushes with all of the eating holes chewed off. Seems that squirrels need a bigger opening to feed than the slit that the Finches need. Damn squirrels. Ha! This will show them. They will bow to the beauty and clever design of this elegant feeder purchased from the local aisles of the one they call "Target". Wrong. I got a call today while I was out from my laughing wife. She told me I had trapped a squirrel and it couldn't get out. What did I want to name it? Well, then he's stupid I said, because what goes in must come out....it's simple physics. She grabbed the camera and got the proof before the cute little demon figured his way out. I'm going to send this picture to the manufacturer and tell him about a few upgrades he needs. I've heard greased poles don't work. I've heard .357's do....but I'm not a killer. I see this as a challenge and if you don't know me, I'm tenacious. You see, I'm currently reading nut labels to see which nuts have the most fat. That's right - I'm going to fatten that bastard up until he won't fit inside anymore. PS - the cats like the squirrels more than the birds. I think they envy their freedom. I'm afraid to travel for Christmas for fear of coming home and finding six squirrels sitting at my bar, playing my drums, drinking my vodka, smoking cigars and having their way with my tied-up cats.....who are just stupid enough to be talked into opening the door "just for a second" for one of the tailed devils begging to use the bathroom or something.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Squirrel Proof My Ass
You know what? I hate squirrels. Are they cute? Yes. Do we feed them peanuts off of the back patio? Yes. Are they a nuisance? YES! I've taken a liking to bird feeders and bird houses the older I get. We have a garden area that I have a ton of feeders and houses in, and I can't keep the damn squirrels out of anything that is labeled "Squirrel Proof". I paid a lot of money for a 4 pronged wrought iron shepherd's hook at Home Depot and then I mail ordered a Squirrel Baffle which is a wide long tube with a dead end that you slip onto a pole. Thing is, most heavy shepherd's hooks have a forked bottom which will not allow you to slip the baffle on. I had to buy an inferior pole to use the thing on and the hanging arm doesn't reach out far enough to keep the feeder away from the baffle. Sigh. For the 4-pronged jobbie I bought one of those big plastic saucers but it was made for hanging from a hook before a feeder, not for stopping the climbing of the pole. So, I drilled a hole through the pole, threaded it with an insulation hanger, bent the hanger and put the disk above the hanger. Great, except that the damn squirrels jump from my very short rock wall to the top of the saucer and then quickly (because it's like a see-saw) grab the pole and continue on their way to my expensive food. I'll fix them. I bought a tubed feeder that has a cage around it to keep the squirrels away from the food. I watch helplessly from the windows as they jump from the ground to the bird bath to the cage and then hang on the cage for up to 30 minutes eating away upside down. Sigh. I have 6 squirrel feeders in retrospect. While Christmas shopping at Target last weekend, I picked up another "squirrel proof" feeder. This one is really cool as you can see in the picture. It's a globed cage to allow smaller birds in to feed while keeping those pesky tree rats out. On this one the cage is far enough away from the food that they won't hang on it and just reach in. HA! I thought I would hang this one by our big window to allow the two cats to watch the birds feed. I needed a new feeder to replace the plastic Finch feeder that was there. Why was? Because I found it behind some bushes with all of the eating holes chewed off. Seems that squirrels need a bigger opening to feed than the slit that the Finches need. Damn squirrels. Ha! This will show them. They will bow to the beauty and clever design of this elegant feeder purchased from the local aisles of the one they call "Target". Wrong. I got a call today while I was out from my laughing wife. She told me I had trapped a squirrel and it couldn't get out. What did I want to name it? Well, then he's stupid I said, because what goes in must come out....it's simple physics. She grabbed the camera and got the proof before the cute little demon figured his way out. I'm going to send this picture to the manufacturer and tell him about a few upgrades he needs. I've heard greased poles don't work. I've heard .357's do....but I'm not a killer. I see this as a challenge and if you don't know me, I'm tenacious. You see, I'm currently reading nut labels to see which nuts have the most fat. That's right - I'm going to fatten that bastard up until he won't fit inside anymore. PS - the cats like the squirrels more than the birds. I think they envy their freedom. I'm afraid to travel for Christmas for fear of coming home and finding six squirrels sitting at my bar, playing my drums, drinking my vodka, smoking cigars and having their way with my tied-up cats.....who are just stupid enough to be talked into opening the door "just for a second" for one of the tailed devils begging to use the bathroom or something.
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8 comments:
I feel your pain. I had one year where at least one of those buggers chewed some of my siding along with plastic planting boxes, resin chairs and a wooden picnic table. That joker got relocated up to Chalfont along with a couple of buddies. Unfortunately you would spend way too much time trapping and re-locating if you went that route. It's not that they come back, but that there are so many out there to begin with.
I've also had bird feeders torn apart by squirrels, so I don't put them out any more. Although you were joking, feeding them might be the way to go. Put out something cheaper that they can get to easily and they may leave the bird feedrs alone.
Just cause it won't keep squirrels out of your bird feeders is no excuse not to grease your pole!
You could use the squirrel eradication method employed by your late cousin. He used a shotgun but fell off his chair (drunk?) and pulled the trigger blowing a hole in his sliding glass door instead. At the very least it probably scared the squirrels away. And those with any sense stayed away from a human crazy enough to do something like that!
Hey, as long as they stay outside. A few winters ago, a family of them found their way into our attic insulation, where they nested and invited all their friends over for parties. Let's just say that mouse traps aren't big enough to kill them (they drag them around making ever MORE noise in the attic at 2 AM), but rat traps are. We did in about 18 of them before we called a repairman over to seal up the spot in the dormer where they were getting in.
I have a simlilar situation with mice every winter. You have to stop thinking of them a cute little woodland creatures and treat them like the terrorists that they are, and at my house we don't negotiate with terrorists. I turn into Carl Spangler. Take a lessson from Still A Sis and start offing these Rat Bastards.
my yard is the exact tip of a triangular piece of park though that houses deer and foxes as well. since my yard is a smorgasboard of bird food.....wont they just keep coming?
i cant be killing a squirrel a day. i don't have the nuts for it. i dont want to get blood on my work gloves as i free their dead limp bodies from the traps.
You don't need to free the bodies from the traps. Traps are cheap...cheaper than an exterminator. Just carry them outside and bury them in the woods, trap and all. Of course, we have lots of woods to do that and you don't. Hmmm...
Anyway, we lost all sympathy when they started eating away at the insulation on the wiring. Very dangerous. The first time we caught one in the mouse trap (NOT the rat trap), I peeked in the attic without turning the light on, saw something in the trap behind the door and told K when he got home. Of course, by then the little sucker dragged the trap away, so he had to go hunting for it. Emma wanted to know what the noise was in the attic that night. I told her that it was Santa's reindeer making a trial run! It was right before the holidays.
well, traps or an exterminator were necessary in your instance. right now, a 1/8 cup of birdseed a day is cheaper than anything, and it keeps the cats occupied. my logic is baffling here....
far less sympathy for humans that commit crimes. see, they know they are doing wrong. the squirrels? they see the feeders as their mcdonalds.
If you don't like the shotgun solution, you could always try the Mattie solution.
Mattie-dog chased a squirrel up a telephone pole and electrocuted his ass. Split him clean from his scrotum to his throat. The down side to this is you usually lose your electric power for upwards of a couple hours until the utility company can come out and replace the transformer.
Did I bury him in the woods? Hell no. I put him in a paper bag, threw him in the back of the truck and deposited him in the trash can of the gas station while filling my tank. Normally I'd just throw his dead carcass in the neighbor's yard.
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