Every office has one, the person who doesn't drink their coffee, they make love to it. What do I mean? I have no idea. No, they don't take out their penis and dangle it in their mug, nor do they use a turkey baster filled with the caffeinated beverage. I can't describe it, damnit, but I know what I mean. Let's say that first, they tend to hold the mug with two hands, as shown here. There is nothing fast about it for they are not simply banging the coffee....it is more slow, sweet love. It takes them what seems like forever to raise it to their mouths. Their eyes slowly cross as they see the nutty brown liquid....almost passing out from pleasure as the aroma overtakes them. They drink - not like a person who is thirsty, but more like a wine connoisseur trying to map the grape to the country, no - the region. As they lower the mug (again slowly) from their satisfied lips they stare at you, not blinking but more like a young doe in headlights, and act like they are listening to your conversation but they are not. They are thinking "Oh great Java God I give myself to thee....please alloweth this idiot to shut hiseth pie hole soeth I may drink deep from my chalice of Juan Valdez again". This person is not a "type A" personality. Without the coffee they might not even show signs of life. They speak slowly. They act slowly. They think before speaking. They drive slowly. While yes, I have a coffee love maker in my morning midst, this morning I was trapped behind one. Even worse. The right lane was moving at a steady 50 mph. The left lane was blistering along at 52. I down shifted the Max and lurched forward in a playful manner two or three times behind the offender - who didn't have a single car in front of her. To make matters worse, she was driving a Bug....a cute....little....bright freaking yellow.....Bug. A Bug is an appetizer to a Maxima and mine was hungry. I straddled the center line for a few seconds trying get her attention. No dice. What? Now she's actually slowing down. Sigh. The right lane was now looking better so I popped over to pass. As I got up beside the car I looked over in disbelief. It was a woman in her 40's, with a stupid flower in her stupid dashboard bud vase, a bluetooth earpiece on, chatting about work no doubt as you could tell by the seriousness on her face....and the worst part.....as I stared over waiting for her to look so I could give her my "GAWD YOU'RE STOOOOOPID" look....she stopped talking and ever so slowly started to raise a coffee mug to her mouth as she stared into the mug. The M-U-G. She didn't have a travel mug or a thermos type thingy...it was a mug...with steam. Hmmmm. Think maybe that's why she's going 52 on a major highway? Did you ever have that impulse to quickly jerk your car and trade paint with your braindead highway brethren? I almost did it and I wouldn't have even looked back to enjoy watching the matchbox flip end over end until the woman was covered in coffee.....and stupid flower petals.
No comments:
Post a Comment