Monopoly Is Not A Monopoly

When I was a kid, if I wanted a game for my birthday, I would tell my grandmother the name of it and I would get it. I don't see how that would be possible today. I can't even imagine telling Still A Dad to get the Webkinz my daughter currently wants. Where he lives, not too many stores probably even sell them, let alone the latest and greatest one that everyone wants. Where did this come from? Last Friday Princess only had 2 hours at school for their last day and they could bring a game. A girl in the class brought the new pink boutique Monopoly game. Friday after dinner, we needed to get to Toys'R'Us to see if they had the game. They did, along with 11 other versions of Monopoly. E-L-E-V-E-N. I knew board games started franchising when she was much younger because she has the Disney Trivial Pursuit game and the Disney Sorry! game. A good trivia question would be which board game caved first? Who cares! As I continued to rant on about all the choices just for Monopoly, Still A Wife rolled her eyes and made a comment about me writing about it. Exactly. I finally got around to it tonight and it's much worse than what I originally thought. From going to Hasbro's website (I guess they bought Parker Brothers) you can find the following versions:

Monopoly
Monopoly Speed Die
Monopoly Brand Jr Disney
Monopoly Brand Disney Jr Princess
Monopoly Jr
Monopoly Express
Monopoly Town
Monopoly Deluxe
Monopoly Here and Now Limited
Monopoly Spongebob
Monopoly Disney
Monopoly Spider Man 3
Monopoly Disney Pixar
Monopoly Electronic Banking
Monopoly Here and Now World Edition
Monopoly Tropical Tycoon DVD Game
Monopoly Transformers
Monopoly Red Sox

Wow. I thought the list was long. Way long. Then, I realized the version my daughter wanted wasn't listed. I bounced to Toys'R'Us to find (and I'll stop typing Monopoly every time:

M: Pink Boutique Edition
M: Nintendo Collector
M: Pirates of Caribbean
M: Coca-Cola
M: Superman Returns
M: My American Idol Edition
M: Dog Lovers
M: Horse Lovers
M: NFL
M: Bass Fishing
M: Cat Lovers
M: Pirates of Caribbean The Trilogy
M: Celtics
M: American Choppers
M: US Navy
M: Army
M: Air Force
M: ESPN
M: Golf Holes
M: John Deere
M: Marines
M: Family Guy
M: Harley
M: M&M's
M: White Sox
M: Wizard of Oz
M: Planet Earth
M: Fantasy Baseball
M: MLB

That list does not include what I found out from Wikipedia.....that Monopoly is in the public domain now and anyone can make "opoly" games. Toys'R'Us also sells about 30 University games that aren't made by Hasbro. There is also another company that makes "Bugopoly", "Ponyopoly", "Spaceopoly" and the list goes on and on. That's what is available at this moment from checking two websites. I'm not going any further. The complete list of licensed versions is right here.

I gotta say, I just don't get it. How one stinking board game morphed into this mess is crazy! Somewhere, a secret meeting is going on where some very stressed out Hasbro big wigs are going "we.....need.....a.....new......Monopoly". "yes, a new one." "I agree, a new one is needed. How long has it been since we released a new version?" "It's been 37 days, sir. The market is really demanding a new choice." "Ok, thanks Peterson. I've made up my mind.......we'll give the world....Rodentopoly....YES....yes, it will be grand." "But sir, which rodent will be Board Walk, surely not the Squirrel?" "Actually, I was thinking Porcupine but I have a soft spot for Beaver......."

Isn't it Ironic that anyone can make an "opoly" game? Monopoly is not a monopoly.

Guns-N-Airports

Athletes crack me up. Do they always have to be strapped? I can just see this idiot's checklist for the airport.....shaving cream...Check.....extra socks...Check.....2 belts...Check.....Guns?...Check. Has it become so commonplace to carry them that you forget you have it on you when you go to the airport...Post 9-1-1? Ridiculous. When the team takes a bus to a game that is only a rock's throw away (Washington @ Philly), you have to wonder how many guns are on the floor of the away team? The freaking thing was loaded! Goodness. I mean, I like me some guns, but forgetting a loaded one is in your bag is just crazy.

Dragging him to.....wait, what?

There is nothing better than clicking on an article, reading 90% of it and buying it....and then reading the 10% that makes you spit your ice cream out through your nose. I saw a link about Siegfried and Roy adopting 5 tiger cubs and I thought it was odd and wanted to read it. Do you find any humor in it? These dudes are approaching Michael Jackson type weirdness. Did you see the last line of the article?

"The pair have said they believed Montecore sensed Horn was having a mini-stroke and was dragging him to safety, rather than attacking him."

Ummm, when did this tiger go to medical school? What, did Montecore give him a cat scan? For the love of Christ, do they really believe that? Maybe Montecore woke up in a pissy mood that fateful day. Maybe Montecore had finally had enough and said "Fug it. I am not jumpin' through no mother fuggin' hoop tonight. Today, it ends." Maybe the shit was planned out. It could have been as planned out as D-Day in that tiger's mind. First, he was like "Monte what? Montecore? What the fug is Montecore? I am a regal beast. I am first cousin of the King of the Got-damn jungle. You stick that gay head of yours in my mouth tonight, Twinkles, and I'm bitin' it off". Mini Stroke. God, that's funny. Dragging you to safety? Did he drag you to an ambulance? He was just taking you behind the curtain to protect his fresh kill. All that poor tiger did was act on his genetic code. For that he probably got the white beat right off of him. "Oh look Seegy...isn't he cute...he is not unlike a little cotton poof". Yes, Roy, just like a little cotton poof. One that will act kindly towards you because you feed it. One that will someday grow into a full grown predator. One that will someday see you as a huge steak, just like in the cartoons. One that will someday try to rip your mousse encrusted head right the fug off. This is analogous to Hilary Clinton inviting the Swedish Bikini Team over for a sleepover. This is like asking Robert Downey Jr. to lay the chalk lines at the 'ole ballpark. It's like taking Woody Allen to one of those places where you eat sushi off of a young naked Japanese girl. "But the tiger....he's so preeeety". Celebrities make me sick.

Finall!y! Something Goes Right For...ME!

I used to work from home two days per week. That's when I was at my dream job where I made some really good friends. Also, if for any reason you really needed to work from home another day...no problem, no questions. You wake up and there's a little snow? Working from home. You need Thur and Fri as opposed to Tue, Thur...no problem. You need 4 days from home this week? Ok. It was easy to schedule things that required people at your house....contractors, deliveries, maintenance. When you have that for 4 years, you miss it about a month after it ends. I could still do it when I worked for HELL (yes, you remember) and I've done it once before for my new job, but there is no regular schedule for it. Well, my daughter's school has the craziest last week schedule that I've ever heard of. It consists of two half days, followed by a day off, followed by a half day, followed by a two hour day. Not sure what dual income families are supposed to do with that....but we manage. I asked to work from home today about a month ago when my "real" boss told me I needed to be here to cover one day. No problem. Being that I'm going to be here, I scheduled a few things. One was the hard wood floor installation which is going splendidly. As it turns out, the installer is a Yinz'er. When dude shows up wearing a Steelers shirt, all is going to go well. I hooked him up with a Bettis IC can. I'm sure I'm getting better attention than most. I also scheduled my switch over to FiOS tv. While I need Direct TV to get my Stiller games, the DTV techs were not able to secure the HD signal at my house which borders a park with very high trees. Easy solution. Keep 1 line of basic DTV for football season and then cancel it until next year. Bring on the WOW of FiOS to everything else. Just what the Sony Bravia-XBR4 ordered. Lastly, I have my furnace serviced on a contract and he comes in the spring and fall. I hooked that up for today as well. So, besides having all those people here, I still needed to work online and keep my daughter busy. At 7:00 AM my phone rang.....my boss. Turns out the power was out at the office due to a tree falling and it wasn't expected to be on anytime soon. They were sending people home. Jackpot! The office is 13 miles away and we have some pretty big tree limbs down in my yard. He called back around 9 and I cringed....I was dreading the "you can get on now" call. Nope. Was told to stay tuned for news about tomorrow that it still might not be fixed. There is a God in heaven. Is that the pool I hear calling? Oh yeah, the floor looks kickass....pics to follow at some point.

Plenty Of Woods

I would like plenty of woods for the winter...or summer.....fall too.....ok, spring too.

DIY? PBY!

I am very angry right now with the previous owner of my house. As Still A Dad can attest to - everything he did to this house, he managed to.....how can I say this politely.....bone up. Do it yourself? How about "Pay By Yourself". He is a complete moron when it comes to home improvement. Mr. Klein, you suck. You suck. You suck. You suck. My poor coworkers are sick to death of me complaining about you. No matter where I happen to be working at the time, rest assured, if I need to do something to the house and it's an area that Mr. Klein had his grubby little fingers in....I will have to "Unbone" something that he "boned up". The laundry list of items is too long to get into tonight. All I can do is tell you about the current deal. From the moment we bought this house four years ago, I've hated the ceramic tile floor. We had vinyl in our first house and I always wanted tile, but not this tile....installed in this manner. Jackass did it himself and I don't think he read a damn thing about it before he did it. First, the tiles were cheap. If you go to Home Depot and look in the tile section...the ones at the end of the row marked .99 per square foot....those are them! He chose a light tan grout, the tiles themselves are porous and I don't think he sealed either after completing the job. Why? Because I can see every water mark and count the rings where water sits in the grout. Did I mention he sucks? He piled up grout in corners to where it looked like an ant hill. He didn't remove the baseboards, instead he grouted the tiles to the baseboards and all doorway trim and thresholds. Basically, it looked like shit. So, we picked out a nice maple Bruce hardwood floor. I'm refinishing the cabinets in the same color and we're changing all the hardware to match the brushed nickel trim that's on some of our appliances. Do I want to rip out the old floor myself? No. Do I want to pay someone $3.50 per square foot to take it out? No. I'll do it myself and save $950. Do I want to pay $45 to have the fridge moved? $45 for the oven? $150 for the toilet? $150 for the pedestal sink? No. No. No. No. I move the stuff. I rip out the tile. Easy pickins. I go to rip up the backerboard. Nothing. Won't even start. I dig, rip and claw a keyhole to start. Takes a long time. I go to Home Depot and buy a $20 shovel handle scraper thingy....nice. The next morning, I start again. I have about 10 days to the install. Nothing. I go online and read a little about this project in news groups. It says it should rip right up......unless it's glued down. What then? Well, basically, you're "boned". I see screws. I start taking screws out. The crazy F'er had a screw about every 2 inches and I'm not kidding. I am NOT kidding. I knew I wasn't going to do this myself. I hired a dude off of CL to do it for me for $300. I interviewed him and selected him from over 40 applicants. He got an entire 3x5 sheet off and wasn't happy. He said if you are going to glue with liquid nails or construction adhesive - you need not screw. Also, you needed a bead of glue down both sides of the backerboard. Mr. Klein put "snakes" or "worms" down the length of the boards....every 2 inches....then he put a screw in every 2 inches around the perimeter and a few in the middle (for good measure). Basically, you could barely get a spoon under this stuff let alone a shovel or scraper. There was no wiggle room. Hired dude originally thought he would be done by noon starting at 7:30. At 3:30, drenched in sweat and almost crying (I think), he said he was done. He gave up. I couldn't blame him. Why? Mr. Klein is an asshole. Hired dude said it was the most ambitious glue application he had ever seen and guessed a tube per sheet was used. He had snakes, worms, X's, and bullseyes on the floor. He said commercial jobs for offices and restaraunts do not require that amount of anchoring. After dude left, I worked for another 2 hours myself. I decided in order to not have the installer try to kill me, I'd call him and get his advice. He came over today while I was at work to survey. My wife said his face went blank when he saw the sheer amount of glue still on the floor with remnants of backerboard on it. He said if I got off more in a few hours tonight, he would come back tomorrow and finish and then put another layer of plywood over the mess Mr. Klein left. It would be an easier install knowing that a slightly raised piece of glue or a hammered in screw or staple wouldn't pop back up and mess up the job. I guess I forgot to mention the staples. When taking up the glue, you need to slide the scraper into it. It needs to not hit anything as you are gaining momentum. Also still on the floor are the staples from the original floor he had down. He didn't remove them before he put the backerboard down. Again, very hard to do anything with staples mixed in with this stuff. I got home at 5 and with sweat dripping off my face every second in a very cool air-conditioned 73 degree room......spent another 4 hours working this stuff up. My hands are torn up as thrusting this scraper at 7 year old glue and small staples and having it stop abruptly puts a tremendous amount of force on the body. I feel old. Reeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal old. This floor better be worth it, or me, the dude and the installers are going to get his new address, go over there, and beat him senseless with bars of soap wrapped in towels. Pictures when I get my FiOS back. I'm still "piggybacking" off of a neighbor.

Dwight White - RIP Mad Dog

Geez. 58. That sucks. I remember a parade in my hometown after the glory days ended - it was probably around the time I was in high school - 1985-87. Dwight White was the grand marshall of the parade. Isn't it weird how many ex-Steelers have died in the last 5 years or so? Still A Dog, what's the best Dwight White story you have?

What A Day

My wireless router is having issues. Last Saturday it started acting up so I called Verizon FiOS and was told a brand spanking new one would be at my house on Wednesday. Well, it's Saturday again and I'm sitting by our door "piggybacking" off of an unsuspecting neighbor who is like "WEP, what's WEP?". Back when I first bought this house I could only see my own wireless connection. I can now see three. Progress. Hopefully someone will always be unprotected. My own connection is going in and out and it's driving me crazy to keep getting kicked off. Princess had her dance recital today. I think it was 94 degrees and the air conditioners in the school we were at gave up. Yes they did. Every person in the place was fanning themselves with programs. It reminded me of my hometown unairconditioned church. Everyone had a personal fan. You wonder why kids don't listen these days. Parents. Parents set bad examples. You aren't allowed to tape the recital. They tape it professionally and make you buy it if you want it. However, they allow you to come to the dress rehearsal and stand right in the pit for your own act and tape it close up. That didn't stop the dude sitting right in front of me. His view finder distracted me to the point where I almost said something but it was so hot in there that I was already pissy and I didn't think getting arrested for handing some guy his ass would do well for having a nice family day out. They also sell pretzels and water in the foyer but there are signs all over the place saying that you cannot bring it into the auditorium. Guess who ignored the 97 signs about halfway through the show? Right, the same guy with the camera....whose 12ish son was with him. Great example. The rules don't apply to us son, we're special. Also, I'm guessing in the 29 number show no less than 10 flashes from cameras could be counted. That's right, after the annual speech by the dance school owner where she acts like we're the students and asks us to please not take flash photos as they distract the dancers. The other thing was the attire of half the audience. I know I've railed on church goers in the past and that's another pet peeve of mine, but this was probably worse. You had everything from people looking like they were going to an upscale restaurant to a guy I saw in a white tank top. A white tank top. No, really. Yes, it's hot - suck it up. I didn't even wear shorts or sandals. It's a special day for the kids and they are all dressed up in their costumes. Don't you think it's even more special for them if they see their parents get all gussied up like they're going to a real "show"? I know it sounds petty on my part, but seriously, you're going to your kid's dance recital and you're looking in the closet and you're thinking "now where is that white tank top?". Show some respect. I'm also in a world of physical hurt today. We're getting a new floor installed in our kitchen on Wednesday and Home Depot charges $150 to move a toilet, $150 to move a pedestal sink, $45 to move an oven and $45 to move a fridge. That's $390 that I can save by doing hardly anything.....except Winnie The Fridge wouldn't fit through the closest doorway and I had to push/pull/shimmy/lug/walk it to the next closest one and then spin it to make it fit through the door. It's now sitting in our family room which is damn convenient when you want some ice cream. It's 11:20 PM. I want some ice cream.

More Wheel of Death

I mined YouTube and this is the best act I could find that describes what we saw. Our show only had the dual pod wheel. Crazy people.

Dough!

I heard something on Howard Stern this morning that shocked me. The voice actors for The Simpsons just signed a new deal paying them each $400,000 per episode. You read that right, per episode. Thats $8.8 million dollars a year kids. They can show up in their underwear. Arte Lang said they are to the point after all these years where they know just how to deliver each line and it probably takes them less than 2 hours per week. From what I could find on Google, right now Charlie Sheen is getting $350,000 per episode and he has to actually act in front of the camera and memorize lines to get his cheddar. I'm a capitalist at heart and I say go get whatever you can and I don't blame the actors if that's what the market will pay, but isn't this just a tad out of whack? People complain about football players making too much money. Our own Big Ben Roethlisberger just signed a deal paying him essentially $10 million per year. Some people were outraged at the figure on blogs. Really? The NFL's true season is about 11 months any more with all the camps and organized conditioning. I'm not defending him making $10 million, but let's be real - look what an NFL player goes through! They get beaten up for 16 weeks plus the preseason and playoffs. They live at the facilities from camp through the pro bowl watching film, studying, lifting, running.....they could literally end up in a wheelchair on every play. The voice of Homer Simpson will earn $8.8 million (not including royalties or syndication) for delivering his lines while reading them...probably in his sleep. How crazy are the pay scales in the world? I've come across bumbling idiot big wigs at companies that make $1,000,000 easy in a year and they don't know their ass from a hole in the ground. If you find out somebody makes $250,000 per year you are so impressed with that number the person must be the most skilled surgeon in the area or a pretty successful lawyer or something. We pay the President of the United States of America $400,000 per year and the cast....voice cast.... of The Simpsons gets $400,000 for a 22 minute episode. How much is that per sentence? Again, I don't blame the actors, but damn....just....damn. The teachers that are teaching our kids get 60k after they've been there a while. Policemen who have to walk up to a driver after midnight in bad parts of town not knowing what to expect get paid what? Soldiers get paid what? It seems to me when most American professionals work over 40 hours per week and the national average household income is $48,000 - a fair wage for voice talent would be....even at super star status....$100,000 per year. 19% of all US households make over $100,000 per year. I bet a lot of those are dual income families as well. People read that Simpsons blurb and it doesn't even register anymore what celebrities make. At least a stand-up comedian is on the road working it. Bands are out touring and playing, living out of buses. I'm having a hard time getting my head around these folks pulling down $400k per episode. I should have worked on my silly voices more. I can do a mean Marvin Martian......and my daughter simply cracks up when I do that caterpillar guy from Bug's Life. I guess it bugs me a little that they are doing the same thing they did in 1989 for probably $15,00 per episode...the same thing....only now it's more popular. Ok, so I'm just jealous and I don't wear it well.....leave me alone........

New Kevin Smith Trailer - Zack and Miri

Just when I haven't Jones'd to see in a new movie in some time, I got this nugget tonight. I love me some Kevin Smith (as you know). Like it isn't weird enough I ran into him and his daughter in Philly while filming Jersey Girl, Still A Dad's neighbor across the street has worked on several ViewAskew films as the Construction Coordinator and got a mention on KS's podcast a while back. The trailer is funny. The man is so articulate and intelligent, yet he writes the best potty humor around....because it's not just potty humor....it's "smart" potty humor (if that makes any sense). It would be hard to defend him to some - but if you really "get" him, you get him. He just happens to talk a certain way, and in reality, it's a beautiful thing because he's not fronting for anybody. He's brutally honest on his blog and in his podcasts and it's just who he is, minus the act. I wish more people could be like that.

Cirque Du Soleil - Kooza

We went back to see Cirque Du Soleil again this past weekend. That's 3 times for us in as many years. This time Kooza was in town, last time (blogged) it was Quidam. I have to tell you, there is something in this show that made my heart stop about 10 times. I could feel my little girl's grip on my knee tightening and you could hear people gasping every few seconds. What do they call this act? The Wheel Of Death. Does anyone know the Jon Lovitz reference here? It's hilarious but another story entirely... Normally I'm impressed enough with the show on exit, but this time we talked about two of the acts the entire way home. I also didn't shell out $300 for tickets and parking this time around. I got an email about an extended week and went online to buy the tix 30 seconds after receiving it. I got the best seats possible in the tier II tickets so 3 seats were only $140 and parking was $20. Of course getting all you can eat sushi for lunch drives the cost up a bit, but again, I think days like this are important for bunky pants....getting some culture in her otherwise scheduled life. The one act that was superb (and included a fall) was a high wire act. I remember when people used to just walk the damn things. These guys were doing incredible things. The fall occurred when one stopped in the middle and another of the troupe came running from his pedestal and tried to leapfrog the stationary guy. He made it over but missed the landing. With the crowd in his corner....he returned to try it again and made it. The place went bananas. For their finale, they brought out 2 bikes and a bar with shoulder harnesses. The bikes with no tires were ridden by two guys wearing the harnessed bar. A third guy got on the harnessed bar. Like that wasn't crazy enough, they then balanced a chair on the bar and the guy stood on the chair while they rode across the bar. Crazy. The act that brought the house down, though was The Wheel of Death. As trance-like music played, two big dudes looking like evil court jesters stalked the stage. As you can see in the picture, they got this thing moving around fast enough to create a breeze in the tent. What's crazy is as their "pod" cleared the apex, they would jump, and not land until the pod was at about 3:00 o'clock. That was sick enough. What came next shocked me. One dude left his pod and I thought it was over. Uh-Uh. He grabbed the outside of the empty pod the next time it came around and was now clinging to it. Mind you, there's no net. He falls and he's broccoli. So, hanging on isn't enough, he now stands up and starts to run in order to always be in the right place as it rotates. Words can't do it justice. Next, he whips out a jump rope and starts jumping rope as he goes around faster and faster....all while being on the OUTSIDE of one of the pods you see pictured here. He stumbled once while jumping and I thought he was toast. The next pass around, he skipped about 10 times on one foot while never missing a jump. Ok, he threw the rope away - now they're done. No they aren't. This is where a woman behind me screamed and I got a little nervous for his safety, as his pod reached high noon, he would leap and do karate kicks, and wouldn't land until the pod was at 3:00 or 4:00 o'clock. He did it on 10-15 passes in succession each time free falling longer and longer before landing back on top of the pod. It's the first time I can ever remember in my life being so "Oh My Gawd!" about a performance like this. When everyone came out by act at the end of the show for curtain calls, the crowd was twice as loud for these two guys. It was sick. It was crazy sick. When the trapeze artist and high wire acts went to the really dangerous stuff, a net was added to the set. These guys had no net. When you think about it, other entertainers make millions of dollars per year...golfers face no danger...you get my drift...what do these guys get paid? I hope a lot. My only criticism of the show is the ordering of the acts. They followed the Wheel of Death with inferior acts instead of ending with it. A juggler came out and was terrific, but after seeing what we saw - unless he juggled a sword, a flaming cannonball and a grizzly bear......a hungry grizzly bear.....you couldn't reproduce the fear and excitement from the other two acts. This show even included a short double bass drum solo as after one act with a percussive backdrop, they rolled out the drummer on a platform and let him kick it for 2-3 minutes. He was tight. I have to say, the show was worth every penny. Mad, mad props to the crazy court jester dudes.

The Ice Cream Man

Man, I remember it like it was yesterday, not at my house though - Still A Dad was too smart to pay fifty cents for something that was only worth ten.... What is this rant about? The Ice Cream Man, of course. The only place I remember getting to buy from the dude in the orange truck was at my grandmother's. Her sister lived right beside her and the second we heard the truck, the coins started to change hands. To tell you the truth, I don't remember a thing about the Ice Cream Man from 1975 in western PA. The fact that I don't have nightmares about him tells me that he was probably a stand up guy...clean cut, polite....well spoken. Welcome to 2008 in the big city burbs. Where in the flying fig newton do they truck these guys in from to drive this overpriced shit around? The immaculate white van with a sliding screen door for service plays music that is not unlike the sirens Jason and his posse probably heard. My daughter, knowing full well we have a freezer stocked with frozen goodness looks at me with those puppy dog eyes and screams "Ice Cream Man!" like so many generations have before her. I look at my wife, who looks at me and we roll our eyes at each other. Yes, princess is told she can get something....but not a freaking $3.00 frozen treat. How about a nice Italian ice? Fine....take Daddy's hard earned money and go enjoy yourself. We are air-conditioning whores so rare is the day we even hear the damn van. As I walk her outside to stand with the money I see the van and it stops. In a split second decision, I wanted to throw a blanket over my daughter and pick her up like a roll of carpet and run away with her. I had seen the devil and his name I can't pronounce. I sent buttercup back up the driveway with her order and told her I would bring it to her. I sucked in my gut, puffed out what little chest I have left and put a scowl on my face that would send...oh I don't know....librarians running. With my OG attitude I ordered the Italian Ice and shot this crazy bastard a look that hopefully told him to not go to his sicko little notebook where he makes lots of misspelled scribblings about cute little girls and the addresses they live at. I asked him if he was having a busy day to engage him in a battle of wits. When he replied yes I told him I was busy too. I was meeting my shooting buddies and we were going over to the target place to put some holes in some targets. Yeah, now who's creepy, buddy? Go sell your frozen pedophile pops to some other neighborhood kid. But really, what are these companies thinking when they hire these dudes? I mean, they're making, I don't know, 1700% profit on some of that stuff.....can't they hire a nice clean cut college guy who would wear a 1950's white ice cream parlor get-up? COME ON! Ice Cream van owners of the suburbs....are you listening? We (Overly Cautious Dad's or OCD) do not trust your drivers! They look like Charles Manson albeit from another country. Please send us a Goddamn Ice Cream Man that I can feel good about letting my daughter place her own order with. Cheese and crackers this gets under my collar. I have enough stuff to worry about. I would be afraid....AFRAID...to open up the storage freezer in this dude's van. I would be all "Oh, Mrs. Johnson....how did you get in there? Hey, your lips are blue, are you Ok?" and then when I turned around quickly to confront my "friendly" person-napper (I totally just made that up) I would be too late as the sharp end of a frozen sugar cone got jammed 4 inches deep into my orbital socket. They play their music loud to cover up the kids screaming.....that's all I'm saying. We now play a new game at my house. When I hear the van coming....I start singing Van Halen's Ice Cream Man at the top of my lungs. Princess hands me $1 and I truck on over to the freezer and grab her something.....and I'm still making a sweet profit.

RIP Harvey Korman

Wow. A true comedy legend. I couldn't tell you how hard Still A Dad and I laughed at those old Carol Burnett shows. More funny than the originals were the "Blooper" specials. The Carol Burnett show was on the cutting edge of that wave for sure. There was nothing like watching Conway and Korman flubbing their lines together or making each other laugh. I used to watch reruns of The Carol Burnett Show after school when I was in Jr. High. I clearly remember watching it after I got off the bus, before dinner and homework. I only remember Korman from that show, Mama's Family, Herbie The Love Bug and a few other movies. Check out his IMDB page and Wikipedia entry. I watched some stuff of his on YouTube before bouncing here. They have all the classic skits and a great Muppets appearance. Harvey is one of those dudes that's been old since I remember him. I'm wondering who is in their 50's now that my daughter will continue to follow and someday mourn when she's near 40? She knows Tim Allen from plenty of movies. He's a far cry from comedic genius. Jim Carrey is still a little mature for her. Ahhhhh, Robin Williams. She met him as Genie from Aladdin but now knows him from RV, Night at The Museum, Robots, Happy Feet, Flubber and thanks to me picking it up for her about a year ago....the timeless Mrs. Doubtfire. Done deal. A pretty good comparison indeed.

Oh No Not I = f(x+3)^2

Ok, as a math major, I can find the humor in this. I'm just surprised the author came up with it as he doesn't seem to have that much personality. Makes me want to record my rendition of "I use Google" to the tune of James Blunt's "You're Beautiful". By the way, I'd love to get my hands on the college adviser who told me "you'll be much more marketable as a Math/Comp Sci major than as a Computer Based Systems Management major ". Riiiiiiiiight. Nice call, Clem. Maybe in 1991 when dinosaurs still ruled the world and 50% of all programming jobs were government defense contracts! Had my alma mater had the foresight to see business applications taking off, maybe I wouldn't have been studying Calc IV, Differential Equations & Abstract Algebra into the wee morning hours. Oh well, what's done is done.....I've still never had anyone ask me to find the area of a peanut using the cylindrical shell method. Thirty-three credits of upper level math starting with Calc I. Did it teach me to be a better thinker? Did it teach me to solve problems systematically? Not sure. I think it just confirmed that I have a short attention span and I get frustrated easily! Did somebody say peanuts? Pass those over here. Oh, Doc R, if you happen to be reading this - those 6 credits of Statistical Analysis will always be my favorites of the 33. I love me some stats for breakfast.

How Do You Justify This?

I swear the only reason Bradjolina tries to stick their noses into world politics and helping the poor is because they feel guilty? Why do they feel guilty? Because of things like spending $70 million dollars on an estate. The couple that wants other countries to forgive poor nation's debts could easily pay them off themselves! From the article, they have so many homes it's a wonder they can even remember them all. You want to end poverty and promote wealth distribution? Hmmmmmmmm.

Brand Loyalty

I like me some pickles. I like crisp, cold pickles. I'm a huge fan of Vlasic's. For some items I could care less about what brand they are - for others, I want what I want or I'll cry like a little girl with a skinned knee. Besides Vlasic pickles, don't even try to give me ketchup that isn't Heinz. I'm a Diet Coke freak and can only tolerate Pepsi if it's the only choice and I need a caffeine fix. Other things don't bother me so much.....I'll eat any potato chip I can get my hands on, any mustard, any peanut butter......I mean I have my favorites, but others are acceptable. See? I'm not hard to please...just give me my Vlasic pickles, Heinz ketchup and Diet Coke! Why is this relevant? Before heading off to the pool today we were having some lunch and as I reached for a pickle spear, I didn't recognize the jar. I spun it around to see which inferior pickle I would be ingesting.....Mt. Olive. It put a smile on my face that made me forget about not having the best pickles money can buy. Johnny Carson's Carnac character once put a folded piece of paper to his head and said "What Yul Brenner's wife does." He opened it and read "Mount Baldy". The next time I heard "Mt. Olive" after hearing that joke I killed by making a Popeye reference......thanks to Mr. Carson. I was reminded of that joke today for the first time in years. There you go class, your lesson for the day - the next time you are with a group of people and somebody refers to Mt. Olive, you can shrivel up your nose and say "Mount Olive, isn't that what Popeye does?". Hopefully you won't hear crickets chirping as you wait for the payoff.

Sickening Update To Tylski Story

Here's the heartwarming (NOT!) story that contains more details around this post I made last year. I'm embarrassed the ass clown was ever fortunate enough to wear the black and gold. Bending little fingers back until they pop and crack? Pulled her leg out of it's socket? What in the mother hubbard is wrong with people? I should have a tag called 'What's Wrong With People" because it seems like more and more of these stories come out all the time. For God's sake the man played a number of years in the NFL and probably made a ton of money even though he was a no talent scrub journeyman. Wouldn't it be nice if he regularly Google's himself to read his own press clippings? Just think what's being written about him today. Even the little girl's biological mother took part in this. Anger management class? Are you shitting me? Let me tell you something, if I walked up to a total stranger who was a lot smaller than me and I wrestled them to their back and then bent one leg up over their head.....um...wow...hey.......could the stranger be Kate Hudson....wait, no....I was being serious.....if I bent their leg over their head until it popped, I'm pretty sure I would be arrested for assault. Anger management classes, parenting classes and they have to put 12K aside for college. Great. Super. Cool Frickin' Beans. 12K. She'll spend more than that in therapy when she's older. I think in cases like this the judge should get bitch slapped as well. It would be bad enough if the Dad was a little pipsqueak but he's an ex-NFL lineman. That poor, poor little girl. I hope he rots in Hell, with his wife right beside him.

Wanted: Tree Elf

Ummmm, well, if Microsoft won't hire you, Keebler might? There are some things in this world you just can't s'plain. This is one of them. Love your kids, parents - cause if you don't - they run the risk of getting into some freaky shit. I remember when the rebels just puffed on a few cigarettes. Am I getting old that this bothers me? I mean I've seen photos of the idiots who put beads under their skin and stuff, but this is taking attention seeking behavior to a whole new level. My daughter and I play a game at the mall - when we walk past some teenagers - I ask her "appropriate or inappropriate?" and she understands it to be about how they're dressed. She usually gets it right on the money. You want to stand out? Change your hair - you can always reverse that. Dress like Cyndi Lauper for a week (sorry youngsters, look her up). Elf ears? Elf EARS? I done think she's seen LOR a few too many times. Or not. How on Earth is she ever going to be taken seriously at a job interview? I can see the guy interviewing her for a "normal" type job......"Well, Kimberly, your resume sure seems to be in order....great grades across the board in school, I see you've worked fast food and established a work history with references....you seem bright.......you seem to have a pair of them elf ears though.......".

Gen-X Cartoons II

Did anybody mention Clue Club? Damn, I love me some Woofer and Whimper. It was full of comedic goodness. Things like Whimper saying to Woofer as he was riding on his back through tall grass..."Hey Woofer.....watch out for that...{THUD!}....tree". Oh, F Off, I was 10 when it was on. It seems like a lot of the ones I liked were only on for one season. I'm going in search of a Whimper T-Shirt.

The Idol Bounce

Have we ever debated the value of American Idol here? Ok, Ok, I'm joking. God knows Still A Dog hates it and everything it stands for....and I respect his opinion as one of the most if not the most intense and knowledgeable music fans I know. Some other whack packers always watch (Still A's While, Jet, Sis). Still A Cowbell - not sure where he stands but he's a musician at heart and our two circles in the music Venn Diagram overlap a lot. While respecting everyone's opinion, I thought I'd take a second to address a point that none of us has ever made here. Like I've said before, American Idol is a superb chance for me to bond with my daughter as she simply adores the show. We talk about music while watching it and why we like or dislike a performance. She can definitely tell you like Randy when somebody goes off key and gets "pitchy". She's also pretty damn good at determining the genre of a song for an almost nine year old. To get back to the point I wanted to make - if you are a fan of music in general - there's almost no denying that the show opens up volumes of music to those who have never heard it before. As ZZ Top finished up playing with David Cook last night, I looked at my wife and said "Sharp Dressed Man" will be on iTunes Top 100 downloads tomorrow. My daughter was asking questions about their beards and thought they were funny and cool. I told her we'd listen to some more ZZ Top this weekend as thanks to the Dog, I have about 80 ZZ Top tracks on my iPod. Everyone my age has Eliminator somewhere. If you don't, what cave did you live in? Well, I just checked iTunes and just as predicted "Sharp Dressed Man" is number 62. That's really incredible when you think about it. ZZ Top's main demographic (shit, their top 3 or 4 demographics) probably were not tuned into the show last night - that's a safe bet. Also, their main demographic already owns the song. So, last night's performance, where they didn't even sing (Cook did the singing) sparked enough buzz for people to go pay for their song. I browsed the Top 100 quickly and I saw that Bryan Adams got a bounce for "Summer of '69" as it was #77. Think of all the young kids who never heard "Imagine" before and bought it (albeit the Archie version) at #17. That might be the first taste of The Beatles for an entire generation. Same thing for "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me" at #9. While a newer song (not really, I'm just getting old) "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" done by Cook is #3. As little kids are weened off of The Wiggles and graduate to Hannah Montana and The Jonas Brothers, this is really the next logical step (in my opinion) to introduce them to "big people" music. I remember playing The Police's original version of "Every Step You Take" for my Daughter after she liked the rendition by Brook White. She also downloaded White's version of "Here Comes The Sun" and loves it. Are these versions better than the originals? Not usually, however I like some of the covers very much. David Cook's version of "Hello" rocks. There are undeniable problems with the show. Too often it runs too long. You are supposed to be left wanting more. I don't need any one show more than 60 minutes and the kickoff shows could be reduced to 30. They should learn something from ABC cramming Who Wants To Be A Millionaire down everyone's throat four nights a week. I can't make up my mind about Paula. She is so annoying when she speaks, yet it's also very entertaining. She can't sit down anymore. Sit down, Paula, you're driving me nuts! I will keep watching as long as my daughter is interested and it continues to be one of the few shows my entire family watches together. Last word.....please, please if there is a God in Heaven, please stop the group numbers. I don't care if you replace them with a blank screen, just stop it.

ZZ Top

Wow. It was good to see ZZ Top live. I haven't seen any of them since I saw Billy join Kid Rock on another special several years ago. They were tight....and looking a little old. Cook's voice fit that song to perfection and I'm glad the boys let him sing it, although I think they should have traded verses. My thoughts on tonight's show - the Jimmy Kimmel thing was as unfunny tonight as it was funny for Idol Gives Back. He bombed. What's with Amanda? Look happy much? Crazy bitch. I didn't miss her not one little bit. Not even a little. Didn't miss Hernandez either. I've known scores of dudes like him...and didn't like any of them either. What a freakin' poser he is. Brook White is cool.....singing folk acoustic with Mr. Nash. Well played. I'm glad Archuleta Sr. is going home with a loss. Ass Hat. How do you get thrown out of an American Idol broadcast and a Star Search Episode? Stage Dad Much? George Michaels is starting to look a little bit creepy. I remember when his voice was a powerhouse and he was tagged as the only star who could sing several of the Queen songs for the concert at Wembley. These huge sunglasses just make everyone look like hornets. Mad hornets. Mad creepy hornets that pay for gay sex in bathroom stalls. Still, the worst part of any show continues to be the lame group numbers. They really need to stop doing that. Anyway, I hope DC decides to put Hello on his first CD. Carrie Underwood...wow....just ....wow. I might have to take my princess to one of her concerts. The Jack Black, Ben Stiller piece was good. True comedians making people laugh without even talking. I had no idea that was Robert Downey Jr until Ryan said it was. I guess I didn't recognize him without the crack pipe hanging from his lips.

Slanted Simon Says For The Last Time

Cook. Cook. Cook. I have no idea what the judges were seeing tonight. I guess it's just my taste in music and I can understand that the little guy is a decent enough singer - but I'd never pay a nickel to hear him sing. Never. At this point I think they are going for diversity. They've never had a squeaky clean young male winner. Clay Aiken was not squeaky clean.....but he was made to squeak on occassion. Anyhooooo, in totality for the competition, I pick David Cook. Like I've been saying since I started talking about it many moons ago - he was my early favorite just from hearing his original audition doing the Bon Jovi song. I just dig his voice, plain and simple....and I'd take his version of that song over the original any day of the week.

Shut Your Pie Hole

Note to Barack Obama: If your wife is dumb enough to say something like “For the first time in my adult lifetime, I am really proud of my country” during a speech.....a public speech, you can't get all pissy pants if the Republicans want to use it in an ad. Like EASports says - If she's in the game, she's in the game. If she isn't out front giving speeches, then the press has nothing to go after. You can't drag her out there to talk and then call those wishing for her to explain her comments "slimy" and "low". I believe it was the great Tammy Wynette who said "If they're hungry too, they can't have their cake". (crickets) It wasn't? .......Oh. Well, he can't have it both ways. The second she goes out there to stump for him, she's able to be critiqued in my opinion. Stump. What a weird word to use like that. He's out stumping for his candidate. What on Earth is the origin of that? I have a feeling it's not because most politicians are "dumb as a stump". Al Gore was accused of being a little wooden (by the same folks saying OJ was a little guilty) but "stump" was being used way before Al. Maybe it's because when you pose a question that can't be answered - you "stumped" somebody...or "tricked" them....and when politicians deliver their stump speeches...they're "tricking" you. Is there wordepedia yet? Let me check wiki real fast, I'm getting tired. Well, I see that one meaning is what remains of a limb after an amputation. Nice. Stump speech is defined as such by Wikipedia: A political stump speech is a standard speech used by a politician running for office. The term derives from the custom in 19th century America for political candidates campaigning from town to town to stand upon a sawed off tree stump to deliver a standard speech. There you have it - I started to rag on Obama and ended strong with word origin of the day. Go in peace, serve seafood.

Gen X Cartoons

You want cartoons? You can't handle cartoons! Ok, as requested by Still A Cowbell, let's take that walk over the next few days. One of my favorites was Speed Buggy, introduced in 1973. I always thought it was on forever, but from reading the wiki article, it started in 1973 with 16 episodes and was then syndicated for the next 10 years. I watched it all the time, but like others here have said - only on Saturday mornings. I just found out that Mel Blanc voiced Speed. Also from reading the wiki, it was apparent to everyone, even as little kids that it was a rip-off of Scooby-Doo. Same channel, same production company - they even shared the spotlight a few times. I can just see the pitch meeting...."Ok, the stoner, mutt, dyke, babe and flamer are doing well, now let's do Scooby-Doo and replace the mutt with a talking car!" "Boss, you're a genius!!!" The very first time I heard the Dow Bubbles as they talked while swirling down the drain - I swore it was the voice of Speed Buggy. Maybe I'll go look that up. This isn't store bought, but I bet it would bring back memories.

Doo Be, Doo Be Doo

Being A Kid in the 70's

So I had a little time to kill after watching the Pittsburgh Penguins completely dismantle the Philadelphia Flyers this afternoon. I flipped through the online guide and saw that Scooby-Doo was on. I haven't watched an episode of one of my childhood favorites in a long time so I switched it over to check it out. Sadly, it wasn't a classic episode - it had Scooby-Dumb in it. I wonder if Jump The Shark listed Scooby-Dumb as the beginning of the end for the Scooby Crew? It got even worse when they added that little Puppy Power dude. He was annoying as shit. In retrospect, wasn't it pretty weird that Fred was never Mac'n on any other chics and never made a move on Dafney? He did wear a scarf, though. i thought of something else while watching this episode - what are kids today afraid of? I have an eight year old and I don't know. The episode involved The Bermuda Triangle. I remember as a kid being fascinated by a few mysterious things like the triangle, Bigfoot, The Loch Ness Monster....Jimmy Carter.....and a few other things that always seemed to be in the news or the subject of TV shows. I also remember worrying for some time that my Dad might get drafted to fight Russia, but Mr. Reagan saw to it that that would never happen. I remember shows like The Brady Bunch and some other cartoons and sitcoms going to Ghost Towns. I'd bet $100 that my bunky pants doesn't even know what a Ghost Town is. I watched a ton of movies that had to do with Headhunters and Army Ants as well. Even Gilligan's Island had a Headhunter! All of these items mentioned were topics of conversation between my friends and I. I really don't think there is anything out there today like what my friends and I discussed. Was it just because I was a boy? I'm going to go ask her right now what she's afraid of. Be right back........ Just as I thought, she looked at me like I was nuts. Was it the time? Was it just me and my friends? I remember seeing movies and stuff about dudes going over Niagara Falls in barrels and I remember we talked about that an awful lot too. Hrumph. Oh well, it must be nice to go to bed with thoughts of nothing but Miley Cyrus, pizza and Webkinz.

Pittsburgh Sports Tribute

This rocks. Thanks Still A South.

Death Penalty

This case is open and closed in my book. The story is horrible no matter the age. Parents should break down and cry if their daughter ends up a hooker, not train her to be one. I can't understand the Mom at all. Perfect strangers having their way with your little girl. Maybe the Mom should be locked in a room with a bunch of big, fat, hairy back, non ass wiping, tooth decaying men who can do anything they want to her for a few years. Huh? Oh, you're right. I'm guessing Bill Belichick doesn't want to put his team in the spotlight any more this off season.

What Kind Of World

Remember when teenagers used to borrow cars and go for "joy rides"? A thrill kill? It's things like this that make you want to wrap your kid up in bubblewrap and keep them in the house. Seems totally random. What's wrong with people?

Spygate Joke

Spygate as they call it is going to end like it started, like a joke to the commissioner's office. It's been about 4 months since the story broke on Mr. Walsh maybe having a tape of the SB walk through. He's now going to meet and has a handful of tapes, none including the infamous walk through. As all the writers say - it's over. WHAT?! Are you kidding me? They could have raided his house the day after that story and if a tape didn't show up I would still be suspicious. The NFL just wants this story to go away. That's the only way they win. They take a HUGE hit if that tape is ever produced. I'm not claiming it does - how would I know - but JFC - they waited forever to make a deal to get this guy in. Who knows who else he was in contact with. Kraft could have funneled money or benefits to him in any number of ways. This thing stinks, the whole thing stinks. How on Earth can Belimort be trusted? He's a rat. His career is one Tom Brady hit away from being over. As I like to say, he wasn't much of a genius in Cleveland and he wasn't much of a genius with Drew Bledsoe. Tom Brady is probably tired of Bills heels digging into his outer thighs as he rides on his back. Yeah, I said it.

Good Read On Tomlin

Great little section on Mike Tomlin today in Peter King's MMQB. It's about time he writes something worth reading for Steelers fans. What the heck kind of job was paying $70k right out of school 13 years ago? I wasn't making that kind of cheddar in 1995 and I was out of school for 4 years. I understand it was William & Mary but geez....$70k in '95 right out the door? Is somebody's memory wrong or am I stuck on only considering IT pay scales? I would think $70k out the door today is still a lot of money, let alone 13 years ago.

UPromise To Kill Me

So, my old tube tv had a good life. It was eleven years old. I've been dreaming of LCD or plasma since they came out. I don't like to buy things when I don't really need them so I sat on this one purchase for a long time. When the screen sizes jumped into the low 40's a few years ago I got an itch. I waited, prices would drop as they continued to get bigger. I did my research. I didn't want a fly by night Korean tv from Costco. From what I could tell, Sony and Samsung were neck and neck in consumer and tech reviews. When George W Bush decided to put a little jingle in my pocket to help the economy, I decided it was time. The 120 mhz refresh rate had been out long enough to come down a little in price. It has enough HDMI ports to support everything in the future. The time was now. I went to every stinking site that sells these bad boys and as it turned out, Circuit City actually had the best price which shocked me to my core. They beat out newegg.com which is where I guessed I'd be buying it from. They had a $400 off sale and then offered a 10% online order only coupon code. 10% off on something that big is HUGE. Free shipping within 3 days. I had a chart and checked no less than 8 places (that I trusted) for pricing. You can always find a link for "Lee's Electronics" or something on Froogle with a price that makes no sense, but you just know even though it's not advertised that it's for a refurbished puppy. I pulled the trigger and sat back and sighed. "Oh Crap F Me!" was the next thought I had. We belong to Upromise. If you don't know what that is, you sign up with your credit cards and grocery store cards, then when you make purchases of certain items - they deposit 1-5% of the total into your account which you use for your kid's college tuition. They even have an option online to link your account to your active 529 account so you don't even have to transfer the money. They do it for you. Neat idea and we've belonged since princess was born. Most of our money comes from grocery purchases (like Coke) but sometimes, when I remember, we get a huge score from online shopping. I do a ton of shopping online and every time I buy something, Mrs. Fan says "did you go through Upromise?" and I sheepishly say "No". You have to go to their site and sign in and then go to your online site through theirs if supported (I found out yesterday they now have a browser plug-in). I forgot when we bought 6 bar stools from Overstock.com. I forgot on the new camcorder. Heck, if I bought it online, let's just assume I forgot. If you forget a 1% donation on a $50 item, so what. I prayed Circuit City wasn't participating and went to their site. Gulp. This week they were doing 3%. Shit! F! Damn! Poop! I went to bed that night without saying anything. I missed a huge......huge........HUGE score. Without waiting for the inevitable question I fessed up. It wasn't pretty. I felt terrible. Then I had a thought that was actually confirmed. I went back to UPromise and went to Circuit City through their site. Went to the LCDs and went after the Sony Bravia XBR4......the ad was the same....with one exception. No 10% off online coupon code. Whew! It worked out for me this time as getting 10% off the price was WAY better than paying full price and then getting 3% put into a 529 fund. Way better. Way. I couldn't wait to tell Mrs. Fan I didn't bone up this time....well, I kind of did, I just got lucky. I also found out why their FAQ states that if you forget, don't even email - it ain't gonna happen. The online dealers know where you came from and they know to take certain offers off the table if they know they are also going to dish out to UPromise. Now I'll start comparing both to make sure I'm getting the best deal any time I do remember to use it.

Stern Winner Forced To Resign

The Howard Stern show recently had a $5,000 contest for "Hottest Wife, Ugliest Husband". The winner just happened to be a 2nd grade teacher. While on the show, she said nothing controversial and only appeared in a bikini. Not only did she win, she lost her job. The members of the board where she worked hid behind comments like "because of the nature of the show". How much do you want to bet that not one of them listens to the show? Would this teacher be allowed to go to the beach in her bikini after work? Give me a break. Our society cracks me up sometimes. If you are a loyal listener of Howard's, you know that behind the mask, he's one of the most decent people on the planet. He loves his daughters, champions an animal charity, is 100% honest in his opinions and is super monogamous with Beth whom he's been with for (I think) about 8 years. Yes, the show can be raunchy at times and sophomoric, but aren't guys like that when we're hanging out with our real friends? It's art imitating life. It's what the show is about, making the listeners feel like they are hanging out with friends. If you just read certain comments or quotes from the show picked out by someone trying to shock or scare you - they might be able to do it. However, if you read a fair and balanced account of all topics discussed and Howard's true opinions after all the kidding around was over, you'd also be shocked - unless you're a long time listener. I know this much in my heart of hearts and it's the greatest compliment I could give any man: If I had to let my daughter alone with either Howard Stern or a priest that I've never met, I would leave her with Howard and not worry for a millisecond. I bet there are millions of other dads who feel the same exact way. While politicians and public "men of God" are constantly caught in sex scandals in airport bathrooms and infidelity situations.....while celebrities are losing custody of their kids, banging their nannies and going to rehab for God knows what....what is Howard Stern doing? He's eating grilled chicken, running, playing chess and watching "Dancing with the Stars" and "American Idol". Yeah, he's dangerous alright, if you don't listen to him.

Good Lord

So, you're a young principal at a high school. You think the senior girls are flirting with you when they say "Good moooooorning Principal Skretta". Wow. You dream about that one every night (lucky for us she's 18). You know she likes Soulja Boy. Hmmmm. Maybe I could solve the school littering problem and win her over all at the same time. Garsh....she'll think I'm the grooviest older guy ever..........WRONG.

Google Programmer Having Fun?

I kid you not, I just submitted a URL to Google for indexing and they presented me with a "Please retype the squiggly line letters that you see in the box" form. The letters in the box? PROGUN. No kidding. Swear on my cat's life. Well, the one anyway....the other one I don't really care for that much. Are you serious? There is no way that was random. Somebody hacked that code and dropped a few funny ones in. I almost keyed in "YES" instead of retyping it. If that was random - I'll eat the, er, gun in the photo to the right. My brother-in-law sent me an interesting article a while back about how hackers have already beat the squiggly lines and they can identify the characters faster with their software than the human eye. Look for the squiggly line thingies to make like BetaMax.

Slanted SImon Says: Teenage Wasteland

I didn't really enjoy this week. I think in my mind, I know how everything is going to turn out so I don't care as much anymore. It's almost like it's been decided already. Howard Stern had the odds on today and Archuleta is a 6-5 favorite with Cook being a close 3-2. Syesha was 15-1 and you can't count high enough to see what Jason's odds are. Is he retarded? I hate to use the word "retarded", but really, is he retarded? He's in his early 20's and he's already smoked a lot of brain cells away. I think you could say "Jason, I have to tell you something.....your grandmother died in a house fire today" and he'd cough up some smoke and say "Really?........dude I'm going to miss her" and then smile and laugh some more. Tonight everyone seemed to prefer little David to big David but I didn't. I'm not saying his voice wasn't better, but I would never entertain buying a CD of little David's. Not for a second. He's never done a song on the shoe I even own. He is so freaking squeaky clean though that my daughter loves him and I'm glad for that. If only he wasn't probably one out of 1,000,000 in the nice department for young men. I like how DC takes songs like Hungry Like The Wolf and adds his gritty voice to it. He's still my choice but I doubt he can overcome the teeny boppers and moms who will vote for DA. Also, if you want a better version of Cook's Who rendition, go to YouTube and check out Blue Man Group's version with Tracy Bonham doing vocals. Heck, I was being lazy - I linked you. Very cool.

1st Pick "Luck"

I just got done reading that Mendenhall was robbed at gunpoint this past weekend and then he injured his hamstring in his first practice of minicamp. WTF? Timmons did the same thing last year and never recovered. Tomlin thinks this is a two week type of pull, but aren't the coaches always optimistic in the press?

Best Line From Disney

Not sure how I forgot this gem, but my wife reminded me yesterday: As we were walking away from The Tower of Terror on Thursday - a mom was pushing her toddler in a stroller. The little girl was crying and without breaking stride the mother kind of leaned forward and said "I will park this stroller and let someone else take you home". Nice. Now this woman didn't look like a crack whore either. She didn't have smeared lipstick, a haircut from 1984 and she wasn't poorly dressed. She didn't look like a Jerry Springer mom to me....just a normal suburban mom with no parenting skills. They were on display everywhere. God help us all.

Slanted #59

Not The Rooney Way

The Steelers had Booger McFarland in for look this week. Seems a little odd to me since he got cut after failing a physical with the Colts. usually when we sign a free agent - it's a mid-tier player in their prime. I can't recall the last time we entertained a 10 year vet who is a former 1st rounder. I'm not saying he couldn't give us depth at DL, I'm just saying that with him in the #4 spot, it takes snaps away from our next generation. Our DL is old. We need some fresh meat up there, not somebody that's been around for 10 years. I want young, broke and hungry....not rich and "not hungry". I guess our current #4 is Kirtchke and he's about 47 so this wouldn't be that much of a change. One injury on the line like last year and Booger would look decent in the black-n-gold. I'm torn.

Who Allowed This?

What is this, a porn company? Not quite, in fact it's the farthest thing from it. At Disney's Hollywood Studios (the old MGM Park) there is a comedic film crew that just sits in the middle of the road riffing on people all day long. I would be PERFECT for that job, but it appears to be taken. Anyway, the name of their film company is "In The Can". How on Earth did the marketing folks let that one slide through? It reminds me of WDVE's old bit on Dicken's Cider....some people even like it, in the can.

Aerolift

Hey Boys and Girls, here's a fun way to spend the day - be in line with your daughter for Aerosmith's Rockin' Roller Coaster and see over a wall on a ramp flashing lights. On closer inspection, it's a firetruck, police car, ambulance and EMT SUV...all with blinking lights. "What's wrong, daddy?" she said just from seeing the look on my face. "Nothing, are you excited?" I asked trying to change the subject since she couldn't see over the wall. Well, the helicopter landing behind the building blew my cover.....standing on my tip-toes I saw them wheel a gurney towards the flying machine. Egad. Now Lucy had some splainin' to do. I told her it might have nothing to do with the ride and that it probably didn't since we were still moving in line. It could be someone who just felt faint...a bump on the head....who knows....bee sting! Inside, my anxious heart was going about 180 bpm. I couldn't wait to get back to the room to see a headline on CNN like "Healthy 39-year-old Dreams On after riding Aerosmith Coaster". Didn't see anything so I guess nothing serious happened. Still, reading that in the paper and being in line while it's happening and seeing it are two TOTALLY different animals. When I got back I still did a Wikipedia search on Disney "accidents" and it's quite a good read. They actually have a very good record. Think about the number of riders per day on the main attractions. It's not like toddlers drop dead on Winnie The Pooh or anything. We had an excellent day today - we (my little thrill seeker and I, not mommy) rode The Tower of Terror for the first time. What a feeling to have your ass leave your seat for a full 3-4 seconds before finding it again. Some dude screamed "Oh Shit" three rimes during the ride and usually I say something in situations such as those but homeboy made three of me so I made like Paul McCartney and Let It Be. We saw The Muppet show again even though we saw it the last time we were here because we're such big fans. We staked out our territory on the road to see High School Musical and my little princess was plucked out of the crowd to help shake salt-n-pepper maracas to the song in the kitchen from part II. She also went back out to dance to "We're All In This Together" so she got to feel a little like she was in the limelight twice. Sweet. Holy cow, I miss my bed...and one of my two cats. Wanted the second I get home tomorrow late afternoon? A pizza from our local pizzeria. Mars needs women....Disney needs good pizza.

Disney Quest

We checked out Disney Quest last night for the first time. I have to say, we had a blast. We did several virtual reality rides like Aladdin's Magic Carpet and Pirates of the Caribbean where we manned cannons and steered the ship. They had a station where you created a roller coaster and then got in a small capsule that actually played out your roller coaster with corkscrews and loops included. The guy let me watch my wife and daughter's capsule while they rode their coaster. It was amazing to watch the thing spin and rotate. We could see their faces on a monitor. After the ride you could purchase the video of the track synced up with the video of their faces from the ride. When I watched mine it was hilarious because I was wearing a dog tag and it kept flipping down and as we were righted - it would get stuck on my ear! We played an asteroid game where you drove a bumpercar that sucked up asteroids under the car and then you grabbed them inside the car to feed into a cannon....then you shot other cars. You could build a toy from Toy Story with different bodies, heads, arms...etc....and then actually purchase the toy you created from the game kiosk. There are 5 floors with different sections to each floor. We were there for close to 3 hours and I'm not sure we did everything. My daughter came in second out of 12 people on the ride displayed here....a sort of human pinball hockey game and I won a race of 8 NASCAR drivers on the sitdown driver game where all the sitdown games were linked up. There was an "old school" room with the classics and one of my favorites was there - "Tron", but it wasn't working. Tron was in a cleaners on my paper route when I was a youngster and if I made $20 a week I put $18 of it back into Tron. What a hi-low to see it and not be able to play it. Maybe I'll have to seek it out on Ebay and add it to my basement Blasteroids.

Typhoon Lagoon, I'm Blind

Ok, I'm 39, I'm 6 feet and change and I weigh between 185-195 depending on the season and soemtimes I feel weird going shirtless in public. Everyone is usually hesitant when wearing beach attire in public - unless you're Amanda Beard or someone - but I've now decided after looking over the crowd yesterday at Typhoon Lagoon that my slight ice cream overhang should no longer concern me in the least. We belong to a pool in our neighborhood in the summer and I have to say that the difference between the crowd there and at Disney is night and day. I actually lost my appetite yesterday which is very rare. For every beach beauty, there were 50 people that should have been completely covered up. What's weird is that it seemed like the bigger the belly on the men, the smaller the trunks were. There was more cottage cheese on the women than at a Wisconsin convention. Is self pride a thing of the past? I mean what the heck? With all the information out there about health and nutrition, I can't understand for the life of me what's going on inside some people's heads. Here's a newsflash - if you are a man and your stomach measurement is more than 4" greater than your waist size...please do us all a favor and wear big baggy swimming trunks and put the Speedos back in 1975 where they belong. I kid you not, while in the wave pool, my eight year old daughter looked at me and said "some guys should wear bras". She cracks me up and is certainly my daughter. Also, to the woman who was right beside us with the hairy armpits.....it's 2008, shave those things or don't lay with your arms crossed above your head. To me, that's just begging for attention. Also - what's up with these parents who put suntan lotion on their kids and then send them into the water 4 seconds later? Read the label folks.....it don't work that way. No wonder there were 3,127 little kids running around looking like Apache Indians.