Captain Obvious Working For SI.com

Some dude needed an idea for an article and wrote a "Christmas in July" piece of what every team needs. Wow. Ours was hard:

For Pittsburgh ... A cohesive group of talented and well-schooled offensive linemen who can pass block. Ben Roethlisberger is the hardest quarterback in the NFL to get on the ground. With a little protection, he can make this passing game very good.

Ernie & Bert Original Gangsters

I swear, if I didn't have a job, I'd sit around and make Sesame Street mashups all day long. They make me laugh, but then again, what doesn't.

Moor Slanted Cowbell

Moor Cowbell signed up for an online project to recreate an original KISS song in a completely different "take". He had Beth in mind and didn't want to use a drum machine so he enlisted me to bang out the drum part. It only took me 6 weeks to find time to do it, but once I got it done, he finished it up in a matter of days. It will be posted on a website that I will link to once it's up, but for now, here it is if you want to take a listen. It's the third song we've completed by piecing together parts recorded individually. Pretty cool. Dr. Dre would be impressed with Moor's mad mixing skillz.

Vacation

No, I'm not on vacation. I just can't find time to keep up this week. Lots of swim meets and end of year type stuff with the team. Will return shortly!

The Rooney Way

Here is the best article I've read so far on the Rooney saga. I am still staying quiet while reading other opinions. It goes without saying, a little piece of all of us will die if Dan and his son are forced to lose ownership. I get sick just thinking about it. A lot of people I know from the area who are older than me rank Roberto Clemente dying as the saddest sports day they can remember. Mine would be a person not named Rooney having controlling interest of the team. Even if Dan is left in charge or his son - for how long? There is a way to run this team and that way is special and it makes all of us Steelers fans proud to be a fan. We laugh when other franchises are in trouble...knowing we have a steady captain at the helm. I have to stop.....I swear I'm going to throw up.

Are People Really That Stupid?

Every once-in-a-while, I'm trapped in a room and the only reading material is a girly type magazine. I'm not going to mention the magazine, but it rhymes with "Wetter Gnomes a Farten". There is an article this month on living beyond your means. If you read this blog at all, you know that's my pet peeve subject and everyone struggles with it a little. If you search over the blog for "personal finance" or click the tag at the bottom of the piece - you'll see some of my rants on the subject. It's partially the subject matter of my other website www.wealthblocks.com. I welcome any article on the subject that shows insight or gives realistic tips. The article in said magazine is a turd. A big turd. A big smelly turd with.....well, you get my point. It goes on to talk about Jack & Diane (I can't remember their names and iTunes is on shuffle and I just heard the song). They were living fairly well on their 80k combined salary and Jack managed the finances. They had an SUV, went to the movies and ate out. By the time the shit hit and the fan and they were late on all their bills and the wife figured out was was wrong, they were spending $4,000 more a month than they made. Let that sink in a while. Not $400. $4,000. I might be able to understand if you don't track your finances that you spend a few pesos over what you make every once-in-a-while. $4 grand? Are retarded people even allowed to get married? I'm not insulting the mentally challenged, I'm insulting these two boneheads. He borrowed money against the house when things got tight...not to pay off his debt, but to continue living the way they were. When she saw late notices laying around, he told her they had plenty of money coming in. Let that sink in. She took over the bills and made a plan to get out of debt and get their credit rating back up after it dropped 150 points. What? I worked my ass off to be near perfect in credit history. They spend $k a month more than they make and they only dropped 150 points? Isn't 810 or something perfect? If they started at 650 they only dropped to 500? I would think they would be...oh I don't know.....minus 37?
It infuriates me that people like this can claim bankruptcy. I think if you claim it, you should be in the daily paper. Look at me! I'm a dumbass! Now, what really got my goat was the poor tips section that the author added to the story in a neat little box. I think her IQ is in question as well. "Sell your SUV and buy a small car". I bet she wears sandals and eats granola. It didn't say they drive an Escalade. What if they drive a Kia SUV or a Hyundai? SHould they sell that and buy a small Volvo? She associates SUV with expensive. She is also wrong if she assumes all SUVs are gas hogs. There are plenty of 4 bangers out there in SUVs. Dolt. In another moment of lucidity, she added this bullet to the box "Write down all your sources of income in a given month and try not to spend more than that". Really? F me lady, we just found our Nobel Prize Winning writer this year. How does this stuff get past the editor? It's written on a 3rd grade level. The dumbing down of America. It's sad, man, just sad. I'm going to go flip iTunes to the Blues.

"I Said Apple Dippers, Bitch!"

Is my daughter the only child on Earth who eats Apple Dippers at McDonald's? No. I know for a fact many of her friends do. Is this idea just too foreign to the youngsters working at McDonald's? My daughter has never been a french fry person (her parents sure are!). It doesn't matter where we go out to eat - we always see what they have instead of fries for her to get. When McDonald's switched to Apple Dippers about 3-4 years ago, we were very happy. Many a night, we forgo cooking when pressed for time and stop by our local golden arches. When they first started offering the apples, we ordered them all the time.....only to get home and find fries in the bag. Sure, blame me for not looking in the bags before leaving, but should I have to? Joe Pesci's character in Lethal Weapon II hit it on the head. After it happened about the 5th time, I picked up the phone and called them and I remember being pretty sarcastic when I asked them how they filled orders without looking at the slips. They offered me coupons, but I didn't want to give my name and address for fear of waking up one morning to a yard full of apple dippers. We slowly noticed it wasn't just our store, it was all stores. Any time you go through a drive thru, you have to look. Tonight was our first free Thursday since swim league started and it was close to 100 degrees here today. We agreed to meet at the pool after work and camp invention. I volunteered to pick up dinner on the way home. As I pulled away from the drive thru, 20 feet past the window, I remembered that I didn't check for fries. I opened the bag.....freaking fries.....when I clearly ordered the apples. I took a deep breath and tried to keep Michael Douglas' character from Falling Down squashed deep down inside of me. I could feel the hot grease of cooking fries boiling inside of me. Was there a car behind me? No. I threw it in reverse and backed up. I sat for a few seconds in silence watching the young girls inside talking and laughing through the porthole. Then an impulse took over and I blared the horn for a good solid 5 seconds. When the girl opened the window I was half afraid of what I might say. Another impulse was telling me to hurl the fries at her Buffy head while screaming "I Said Apple Dippers, Bitch!" (and by bitch I wasn't using a female slur, I was using it more in the...oh whatever...take it how you want you). I then realized I had already been in trouble with the law for hurling food objects at a female in my past and I didn't need to be in the local paper under "Angry Fry Foe Drapes Drive Through Diva in Fresh Fries". NAh. I gathered up my most pleasant voice and said "Excuse me, I ordered the apple dippers?" like it was my fault. Without saying a word to me, she handed me the apples. "And the caramel....for dipping?". Now I sensed she was about to throw the caramel at me. How dare I? She gave me the quarter ounce of gooey goodness and put her hand out "I'll take the fries for you". Time stood still. I checked the rearview mirror. Empty. I looked around slowly...nobody watching. I put my hand in the bag as if to grab them for her (yeah, as if). I came out with one piping hot salty golden yellow fry. As I folded it into my mouth, I smiled a little and pulled out as my window crawled to it's resting place. Here's 18 french fries that won't be getting thrown away tonight, Princess. Ha ha ha. HA ha ha. BWA HA Ha ha ha.

Is The Other Dude Animal's Cousin?

Zoot was definitely underutilized on The Muppet Show. My daughter and I laughed out loud at this 3 times tonight. Each time we were giddy knowing something better was coming and the left hook provided the laugh every time. The Muppets complete seasons I, II and III are out on DVD. I know what Santa is bringing for the stocking this year. I love me some Muppets.

RIP Chew '25-'08

Is it just me or do the RIP's keep getting closer and closer? Will be within spitting distance of the 'Burgh tomorrow. Let's pray there are no State Troopers out looking for speeders at 4:30 AM.

Two Days Of Worry

I am waiting for more news on this story to develop before I go completely off. Newer articles are saying now that he might just help Dan buy out his brothers. I can't believe a bunch of brothers, 70 year old brothers, can't accept $35 million each for their share in the Steelers. What the heck do they want? At this point in their lives, is $50 million different than $35? I'm starting to rant so I better wait until more details come out. I've always said...ALWAYS......that if the Rooney family gave up ownership and someone came in who didn't do things The Steeler Way, it could be the end of my love affair with the team. Part of the reason I love them so much is the fact that they ooze class. The first time a fantasy football owner in the mold of Dan Snyder comes here and starts to overpay aging stars from other teams to come here as free agents.....I'm done. I'll start following High School football. I swear.

Pac-Man Wants Name Change

Pacman Jones is trying to change his image. To start with, he's no longer going to answer to Pacman. He's going back to his given name "Adam". No word yet if Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde will follow suit and change their names to Strippy, Shooty, Rainy and Vibe. You want to change your image? STOP BREAKING THE LAW. Moron.

Eye Of Newt

Finger Food Anyone?

Still A Dad frequently hands out good advice. It matters not if I'm 5 or 35. Can I be 35 again? I feel 35. "Don't put that in your mouth, you don't know where it's been!" That served me well both at 3 and at 20. "Only use your credit card when you have to." Smart. "Do you want that, or do you need it?" Wise. When he discovered I had a Coors Lite receipt in my pants at 19, the advice wasn't to not do that....it was to not let my mother know I did that.....and don't come home from driving with it on my breath or I was done. Smarter still! I didn't even have to ask what "Done" entailed. I got the picture. He didn't tell me to not have sex, he told me to not get anyone pregnant. When we talked about me moving away from the poorest county in the state, he didn't ask me to stay, he told me to "go for it". Those are all good life lessons, and not applicable one bit here! Sometimes it's the throw away nuggets that you need to not throw away. In a former life Still A Dad worked at Pittsburgh Sheet Metal. When he found out I was building a wall in my basement with metal studs, the first thing he said was "wear gloves, that shit will tear your hands up". Aha. Wear gloves I did. When I worked with that stuff again to add a fresh air vent to my furnace, I heard the words of Still A Dad in the back of my head...."wear gloves, that shit will tear your hands up". Aha. Wear gloves I did, again. This weekend, as I continue to completely redo our kitchen (much to the chagrin of one Still A Cowbell who is patiently waiting for me to lay down a simple drum track and vocals to a KISS cover song he reworked for a tribute website) it was time to do the back splash. The floor is done. The chandelier is done. The hall light is done. The powder room fixtures are done. The door hardware was all changed to match. Half of the cabinets have been stained and had their hardware changed. The thresholds are done. The doors and trim have been painted. I was waiting for some cabinets to dry and I was out of places to lay them flat for staining so I thought I'd do the back splash. It's a really cool product - prefab sheets of 18x24 that mimic hammered tin. While it even feels like tin once applied, it's really a light plastic. A razor sharp light plastic. I needed to score the sheets to my size. As I bent over to line up the T-Square with the knife in my right hand.....the words of Still A Dad became foggy (pair rub? scared doves?). As the sun came in the basement window and hit the blade, it hit me....Wear Gloves! Just like when Ben talked to Luke in the Death Star trenches! Well, Luke didn't have to get up and walk out to the garage to get anything.....in my defense. The sharp new blade scored and cut 6 sheets to perfection, even doing outlet holes and sharing duty with tin snippers for microwave cutouts. On the last sheet (the seventh sign?) I scored it once, twice....five...six...the dull blade hit a ridge and bounced onto the square and continued down my fingernail and past my second knuckle. As soon as I felt pain, I expected to see a fingertip laying on the floor. What I saw was blood. Hmmmm. At least it was a nice bright red. I hear that's good. Nobody was home and my first thought was "what if I pass out". After I woke up...nah, I'm just shitting you.....I walked to the bar and ran cold water on it for what seemed like an eternity before it started to let up. Then I realized I was a Cub Scout at one point and I should probably apply some pressure to it. I pinched it shut with my right hand for about 10 minutes and then finally got it bandaged. I broke it back open later, but it just oozed the second time. I could have probably had stitches, but my girly hands need some character. When my wife came home and I showed her, she was very compassionate......"Didn't you have gloves on?"

Making Love To Your Coffee

Every office has one, the person who doesn't drink their coffee, they make love to it. What do I mean? I have no idea. No, they don't take out their penis and dangle it in their mug, nor do they use a turkey baster filled with the caffeinated beverage. I can't describe it, damnit, but I know what I mean. Let's say that first, they tend to hold the mug with two hands, as shown here. There is nothing fast about it for they are not simply banging the coffee....it is more slow, sweet love. It takes them what seems like forever to raise it to their mouths. Their eyes slowly cross as they see the nutty brown liquid....almost passing out from pleasure as the aroma overtakes them. They drink - not like a person who is thirsty, but more like a wine connoisseur trying to map the grape to the country, no - the region. As they lower the mug (again slowly) from their satisfied lips they stare at you, not blinking but more like a young doe in headlights, and act like they are listening to your conversation but they are not. They are thinking "Oh great Java God I give myself to thee....please alloweth this idiot to shut hiseth pie hole soeth I may drink deep from my chalice of Juan Valdez again". This person is not a "type A" personality. Without the coffee they might not even show signs of life. They speak slowly. They act slowly. They think before speaking. They drive slowly. While yes, I have a coffee love maker in my morning midst, this morning I was trapped behind one. Even worse. The right lane was moving at a steady 50 mph. The left lane was blistering along at 52. I down shifted the Max and lurched forward in a playful manner two or three times behind the offender - who didn't have a single car in front of her. To make matters worse, she was driving a Bug....a cute....little....bright freaking yellow.....Bug. A Bug is an appetizer to a Maxima and mine was hungry. I straddled the center line for a few seconds trying get her attention. No dice. What? Now she's actually slowing down. Sigh. The right lane was now looking better so I popped over to pass. As I got up beside the car I looked over in disbelief. It was a woman in her 40's, with a stupid flower in her stupid dashboard bud vase, a bluetooth earpiece on, chatting about work no doubt as you could tell by the seriousness on her face....and the worst part.....as I stared over waiting for her to look so I could give her my "GAWD YOU'RE STOOOOOPID" look....she stopped talking and ever so slowly started to raise a coffee mug to her mouth as she stared into the mug. The M-U-G. She didn't have a travel mug or a thermos type thingy...it was a mug...with steam. Hmmmm. Think maybe that's why she's going 52 on a major highway? Did you ever have that impulse to quickly jerk your car and trade paint with your braindead highway brethren? I almost did it and I wouldn't have even looked back to enjoy watching the matchbox flip end over end until the woman was covered in coffee.....and stupid flower petals.

Chewing Gum In Class

Remember when chewing gum or talking in class could score you detention? I once got movie detention for tripping a girl I liked in the hall between classes. That was fourth grade. I heard the movie sucked so I didn't really miss anything. Anyway - this story is hard to believe, even though it's in England. What an idiot this teacher is! I get the idea of how Muslims pray. I don't have to try it to understand it. I understand that a satanic cult in Mexico goes after spring break kids getting in cabs at night and then kidnaps them and sacrifices them after a night of torture. When they finally caught them, they found (I think) 11 bodies on their property. Does this teacher want his students to go out and try that as well......for the sake of diversity and understanding different religions? What an idiot.

Beard Makes US Swim Team

Congratulations! My second favorite female swimmer just made the Olympic team for the fourth time. I think she was 14 when she first made the team and 15 at the actual Olympics. I had trouble finding a picture in her US Swimsuit so I thought this one would do. Nothing you wouldn't see at the beach, so no complaining. Since she did Playboy a few years ago - I could have used one of those, but this is a family blog......well.......

I'll Play Accordian!!!

Usually when my friends and I get together to jam, nobody is screaming "I'll grab my accordian!". That being said, this rendition of Hendrix isn't bad at all. Just have something to dull your senses before watching.

Steelers Do The RIght Thing

Wow. Just....wow. The Steelers rock. Check this story out over at The Burgh Blog.

Ouch, My Bleeeeeeep

So I haven't really gone off on anything for a while. Have things not been bugging me lately? No, I've just been up to my ears in things to do, and I'm almost 6'1". I came close to working 55 hours last week while still working on my kitchen cabinets and attending swim meets on what seems like every night of the week. I think we've established that I love the kids....especially the one I call my own. I'm an in-between parent when it comes to most things. I'm not a Nazi but I don't allow her run amok either. She knows most curse words thanks to certain movies that slip them into a PG-13 movie and the occasional friend with loose lips or a TV show that is on in the background while she is doing something else (Ugly Betty?). Anyway, I know she doesn't yet know the one that starts with F and ends in UCK that is not FIRETRUCK. I know this because as I was shuttling her and a friend somewhere one day late in the school season I overheard them talking about a boy in 5th grade who was in trouble for saying "the F word" and they both admitted to each other that they don't even know what it is. She may have already found out as other kids talked about it or maybe not. You can't stop them from hearing things, you can only tell them it's a bad word and they better not say it. My daughter, I think, has an advanced sense of humor and when we think something is funny, we laugh out loud. We laugh at things at home that I sometimes have to tell her that I don't think she should laugh at someplace else or tell anyone we were laughing about it. For instance, being home alone with her and screaming "Fire in the HOLE" before relieving one's self of gas....I'm not saying I do that.....I'm just saying that would be an example. Anyway, while that can weirdly be a bonding point for father and child at home, you would simply want to die if she went over to the Smith's for dinner one night and screamed "Fire in the Hole" at the table while launching into bean burrito flatulence. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, we had a swim meet tonight. My daughter was swimming in the first heat for one of the last events, the 8&U female freestyle relays. Her team was designed to win first place in the event and win it they did, by about 5 seconds. While the 2 relay teams (8 girls) were lining up to walk over to the blocks, I went over to give her some encouragement. The girls were wound up on candy and Gatorade as it neared 9 pm and a few of them were rough housing a bit. I know at least 6 of the girls out of the 8 as they've been to my house many times. As I whispered in her ear to the side of the mosh pit, one of the girls said rather loudly...."Ouch, you bumped my vagina!" and then laughed hysterically. I spun around and looked at my friend who was talking to his daughter (the anchor) as well. I said "Did I just hear what I thought I heard?" He confirmed that I did. Through the process of elimination, I know one of the girls that isn't a family friend has an older sister that is probably about 14. BINGO! Nice. I want my baby to be a baby forever. I know it's 2008 and not 1975 and my wife will soon be having a talk with her that will make me very uncomfortable, but I know it's necessary. As a parent, I wanted to act like I didn't hear it and hope the other girls weren't all wondering "hey, what's that? It's not an eye. It's not a nose. It's not an arm......". The other part of me, that finds humor in everything, wanted to just start laughing out loud at how out of the blue the comment was. Hopefully, when my daughter has a clue what every "bad" word is, she'll use her better judgement and not say things in public that can come back to embarrass her....or us! On the other hand, words are just words and if used in a manner that aren't hurting anyone or causing anyone disrespect - I'm not sure I have a problem with it.....when she's older. Like I've mentioned a million times before - BS'ing with your friends in private is one thing - talking in a public place is another. If the child's mother needs to teach her anything, it's that difference. It's one thing for a kid to know the correct body part name and maybe most girls do at that age....I don't know....I just do NOT need to hear an 8 year old yelling it in a public place.

Joe Horn, Watch My House

Wow. I wish I could get Joe Horn to watch my house when I go on vacation. Do I feel bad the two men are dead? A leetle, but let's face it and be real - had the two guys not broken into his neighbor's house - they might still be alive today. I absolutely love the idea of putting fear back into those with criminal minds. I'll tell you what - anybody who had plans to rob a house thought twice after hearing about that.....for a few days anyway. Since they obviously aren't afraid of the law and a court - they need to be concerned about the crazy yahoo watching the house. Dead men don't come back for seconds.