FAN: Pat Robertson Responds To 6.1 Aftershock - Shakira's Fault

Pat Robertson continued his hate tirade this morning. After learning of Haiti's 6.1 Wednesday morning aftershock, Robertson was quick to study the latest media trends and came away from it with a new revelation. "Shakira Caused This!" Robertson has declared.

Robertson's sleuthing methods have been uncovered. He dove headfirst into the world of social media to see who has been helping the Satan saved Haitians. After absorbing the information Pat decided that Shakira appearing on Oprah and pleading for help was the swizzle stick that stirred this particular drink. Let me repeat, it had nothing to do with yours truly wanting the hottest picture to post here. This was the work of Pat Robertson.

Robertson equated Shakira's hips with Beezlebub and admitted that he himself has been in a Shakira induced "hip trance" which he saw "on the YouTube". The trick uncovered was that Shakira helped send aid to the area and then unleashed yet another earth quake while the aid workers were there. He likened the plot to 9/11 where the first plane striking the towers brought the crowds in to see the second one happen live.

"Shakira needs to be stopped. It's that simple" said Robertson. Asked what you can do to help, he continued "Bring her to me. I can help her. It would be good if you could restrain her first." Asked how he can help Pat explained how he could give her a religious experience that would change her ways and make her act and dress more like "a lady" instead of "the damned devil". He explained his methods further - "it's a three step process, first the prayers, then what they call chloroform and if she still resists, the Holy roofies will be administered." Roberts claims a night alone with him will make the devil hips jump right out of her.

We can only hope.

FAN: Checks And Balances

Seriously folks, I don't care if you're Republican or Democrat, left wing nut job or right wing religious zealot - Scott Brown winning that election was good for the country. 47 years is bout 37 too long for me personally to like anyone sitting in a Senate seat. I wish we could go back in time and have people from every profession filling these seats like a jury. Do your voting and lobbying in a 2 week period every 6 months and do the rest online from the comfort of your own house. Career politicians suck. If people were swapped in and out, there would be no time or use for political favors. Everyone would hopefully just do what makes sense for their city, state and country. It tells me people in that area were ready for change and most of them probably just never headed out to vote because they assumed Ted was going to win anyway. This is good, trust me.

FAN: From My Cold Dead Hands

I absolutely love reading stories like this.

The kid is badass. He's 11. He's like "Yeah I shot him, now get me a juicebox before you're next".

FAN: I Protest

Still A Stroke is in 5th grade. Every day they do 4 math problems on a math maintenance test which gives them 20 questions for the week and then it's graded. The math maintenance tests then become a quarter of their trimester math grade. It's a good way to keep using things you've learned in the past. Full disclosure, I was half a math major.

I took exception when I saw her results for last week's test. She missed two questions in a section where you are supposed to select THE BEST way to solve a problem. The choices were Mental Math, Estimation, Paper & Pencil and Calculator.

My daughter has always struggled with estimation and her school pushes the concept hard. When they want you to estimate they always say "About how much is 4312 + 2698". She is like me - black or white, not a lot of gray. She frequently puts the exact answer for estimation problems which leads to the teacher correctly marking them wrong. She's young. Her feelings are "but why get close when I know how to solve the problem?" It's a hard concept to explain.

Anyway, I get the idea of mental math. She got that question right because it was something like 200 * 20. However, the next question was something more like the first example I used: 4312 + 2698. The teacher wanted "estimation" for the answer. I've trained my daughter to look for the words "close" or "about" when doing estimation problems. When those words don't exist and you ask a 5th grader what's the BEST way to solve it, I'm not sure "estimation" is the correct answer. She said "calculator". I asked her the thought process she used. She said that she thought they wanted to know the best way to get the exact answer and even though she could do it with paper & pencil, why wouldn't you use a calculator if you had one. That makes sense to me the way the question was worded.

I don't even need to explain the other one she missed because again she used "calculator" and the correct answer was pencil & paper. If you think like a kid (which I do) and you're thinking "ok, I have paper & pencil, a calculator and two methods in my head" and you're presented with something and asked which is the BEST way to solve it, it's very subjective. Math is not subjective. Words like "Best" you have to be careful with. You can get your point across without "Best" being included and without "calculator" included in the list. Maybe have a matching of 1, 2, 3 with A, B and C. Then you see the kid knows that 500 + 400 is mental math, 6710 - 688 is estimation and so on.

I did send the teacher an email because I need it explained to me when pencil & paper is better than a calculator if you have both with you. The only reasonable answer I see is if you want to draw a picture of a doggy or a horsey.

I "get" these concepts and I like that they are being taught. I just want the problems worded a little more carefully for those kids that might think too much. When you add a calculator to the mix and then ask for the BEST way to solve.......that's an email.

FAN: Juice Box

Well, the second bash brother came forward today to say that he did indeed do steroids. I'm sure he just wants to be left alone as the new hitting coach and just wanted to admit and move on. He should have done it years ago. I once went up to Boston with a group of friends to go to a game at Fenway against the A's. We were amazed at batting practice as McGwire and Canseco hit ball after ball completely out of the park. I wonder if they were juicing then? They didn't seem as big but it was probably right in the middle of the steroid era. It was before I was married so I'm guessing it was around 1993 or 1994. Whatever. The steroids story is so old news in baseball. Even A-Rod couldn't bring it back full force. Mac prolly knew it was safe and time to just admit it. Those were good times. Six dudes, two cars and one hotel room for two nights. If I remember correctly, it was me, Vailler, Kooz, Belly, Gratz and I want your soul, Miller.

DOG: Haluski - Dog Style

Long back when I first started contributing my nonsense for this here blog I wrote a story about Haluski. Well, today I made my first batch on my own.

Not much else to do when the temperature barely crept above 20 degrees and I was relegated to watching the Shitbirds vs. Bill Belicheat. So I moved into the kitchen and created. Don't get me wrong, I totally embrace grilling in the winter. But I see no need to punish myself to do it.

So I mixed up a batch of noodles and cabbage and supplemented it with onion, a little crushed garlic and a few mushrooms. I know it's not the classic Haluski. But I try to make use of whatever is lying about the pantry and fridge when I cook and that's what I had to work with.

It came out real good and I served it with a smoked pork chop. But of course Mrs. Dog whined about having onion in it so guess what? I get to eat the rest of it. No buying lunches this week!

Anybody who would like my recipe, just say so in the comments. Which, by the way, Still A. While, how did my recipe for the maple glazed ham work out for you at Christmas?

DOG: The Irish Cougar

Iris Robinson

In case you haven't heard, Iris Robinson, the 60 year old wife of the head honcho of Northern Ireland had been banging a 19 year old lover for a couple of years. That is until the British Press got wind of her solicitations from Irish and British business men to pay for her affairs by giving the young stud enough money to start his own business!

She was also some kind of Parliamentary representative in London for Northern Ireland. A position from which I understand her political party had demanded that she resign.

On top of all that, her other claim to fame is gay bashing on the floor of Parliament where she said (in so many words) that Child Molestation is as bad as Sodomy and Homosexuality. Then she tried to defend her words by claiming that Chile Molestation is in fact worse than Sodomy and Homosexuality. And furthermore claimed that Homosexuality can be cured!!

Apparently the young boy-toy wasn't getting any back door action from Mrs. Robinson. She wouldn't judge herself to be as bad as a homosexual! But I guess it's OK to screw around behind the First Minister's back.

So here's to you Mrs. Robinson. Jesus loves you more than you will know... 'cause I'm pretty sure your husband don't love you anymore.

FAN: Cleveland Chooses Holmgren's Mediocrity

Thank You Cleveland Browns. Thank You, Thank You....Thank You. Why? For hiring The Walrus of course! This hyped up pile of steaming poo is the poster boy for NFL mediocrity. I can't believe (actually I can) the way the press is all over every move the man makes. Where are the graphics showing the man's credentials to take over a franchise? Without knowing the facts before writing this I think his credentials suck monkey balls.

So, off to Wikipedia I go, in search of why Cleveland is all gaga over this guy. Holmgren coached 7 years in Green Bay with a record of 75-37. Very good. He began with 3 9-7 seasons in a row while Brett Favre learned how to play the game and then while Brett was in his prime he road his horse for a 48-16 record and playoff success and a Super Bowl win (and a SB loss). He had great success at Green Bay when tethered to Favre and his waistline, I mean legend, grew.

This is where it gets fun. Mike's ego wanted to run his own team. He wanted to buy the ingredients and cook the meal. Seattle offered him that opportunity and he jumped at the chance in 1999. He went 9-7 in his first year there. Decent enough but it takes time to turn a program around, right? He got worse in 2000. Much worse. His record was 6-10. Ask Bill Belimort, it's hard as Hell to win games without a star quarterback. In his third season as Seattle's football czar, Mike went 9-7 again. Ok, Now he's back on track and is set up to succeed in season four - except he didn't. He went 7-9. So, the genius Mike Holmgren was brought in to win and so far as the man in charge of everything, he's posted a 31-33 record. How did ownership react? They stripped him of his GM role and said "Just coach please". He couldn't run the organization. He failed at the thing he wanted most.

Without running the organization he had immediate success going 10-6 but lost the first playoff game. Like most of his tenure, he failed to put together back-to-back good seasons and went 9-7 followed by another first round playoff loss. Maybe Mike should change his name officially to "Nine Wins Holmgren". He finally delivered in 2005 going 13-3 but lost the Super Bowl (he he he) to a far superior team and then blamed the referees instead of being a man. Nice character there, Niner. You can only guess that he went 9-7 in 2006. He showed a little promise going 10-6 in 2007 but he lost in the playoffs to.......Brett Favre. Sigh. That must have really rocked his world because he ended his Seattle stint with a 4-12 record. Let me repeat that....a 4-12 record. In totality, in Seattle, the genius was 86-74 and 4-6 in the playoffs.

Cleveland wants a football czar. Hmmmm, who should they seek out? How about a coach who has 7 seasons with 10 wins or more out of 17 seasons. Out of the other 10 campaigns, 7 of them were 9 win seasons. Yawn. And don't forget he got shit canned as the GM after only 4 years. He hasn't had back-to-back 10 win seasons since 1998 and that was with Favre. The fact that this man is so sought after is mind boggling to me. I read once where he wanted to go open a coffee shop or a B&B and retire. He should have followed his dream.

What has Cleveland gained since employing Mike? Well, they decided to keep a coach with a career NFL record of 28-36 because he had a 4 game winning streak. I'm impressed. The fact that Mangini went 10-6 in his first year with the Jets and 4-12 in his second tells me he went 10-6 with somebody else's team. Whatever. So what do I read this morning? Holmgren is close to hiring Seattle's Pro Personnel director to be Cleveland's GM. He's worked with him before in Green Bay and Seattle. Super! Steeler fans rejoice! Mike is going to bring his amazing streak of mediocrity to the Browns by surrounding himself with cronies from the old days who have already failed with him at other locations.

People, People, People.....please pull back the curtain and take a good look at your wizard. Your wizard isn't a wizard at all. Your wizard, is a walrus.

FAN: Satchmo Cash

Cool YouTube video.

DOG: Is It April Yet?

Bobby April

Just heard that former Stillers Offensive Line coach, Larry "Porn" Zierlein, and Special Teams coach, Bob Ligashesky have been fired by the team.

This is outstanding news when combined with the retirement of ex-Bengals QB and former Stillers QB coach, Ken Anderson.

*Note: Steel City Slant holds itself to a higher standard than the Post-Gazette and WTAE who prematurely have reported the departure of Bruce Arians. We would be happy to see that fiction become reality. But until it's fact we aren't running it as news.

I am officially casting the Steel City Slant vote in favor of hiring Bobby April as our new Special Teams coach. April coached Steeler special teams back in 94-95. Most recently he was the baby that got tossed out with the bath water when the Buffalo Bills fired their entire coaching staff Monday. April waived a later offer to remain with Buffalo so he could begin interviewing/negotiating with another team. He was the Special Teams coach of the year in the NFL in 2008 and 2004.

If he isn't already in Pittsburgh I would help subsidize his plane fare to fly him in from Buffalo before any worse weather gets him stuck up there. We need this guy badly.

The calendar might say January but I'm hoping it's APRIL!!

FAN: Steeler Contracts & Free Agents

Yes, it's a picture of a door.....as in "don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out." It's time to reflect on the season and what better way to start than to talk about starting to clean house a little bit. Before that though, in general it was an entertaining season to say the least. Crazy entertaining. My friends and I have just been discussing how Ike Taylor seems to shy away from contact instead of sticking his nose in there sometimes so what does he do yesterday? He handed out a "Check Please" type hit that makes Steeler Nation salivate. I still can't believe that a man his size can inflict that much damage. I guess when the guy you're hitting is smaller than most Quad A HighSchool players - you've got a shot. It was still nice to watch. I'm glad the dude is OK. In the end I don't blame the other teams for not winning - I blame our guys for falling down and not rallying around Polamalu's absence. Aaron Smith was missed as well but we got to see flashes of the future there. We saw nothing with Troy out but the back of Tyrone Carter's jersey taking yet another poor angle.

Let's discuss the Restricted Free Agents first. We would get compensation if they leave and a chance to match any offer they get. LB Patrick Bailey. Who? He plays for us? He doesnt need a contract tendered. T Willie Colon. I believe we will most definitely tender him a contract. I don't complain about the line as much as I used to. Both RBs showed they can run behind it and the sacks Ben took are mostly of his doing. Early in the season the line caused a lot, but not recently. Carey Davis I like, but nobody is going to offer him a contract so he is safe to not sign and wait and see what happens. William Gay. I am dead serious when I say I hope we've seen the last of him. He is not an NFL starter. Not even close. The bad news is, we don't have any other alternatives right now. Townsend is washed up. I would seriously vote for drafting a CB first and signing a classic Steeler type above average FA to start next year in Gay's spot. Sepulveda will be offered a contract. Spaeth will be offered a contract. Darnell Stapleton is a question mark. My gut says "no contract". Now let's take a look at the unrestricted Free Agents.

Charlie Batch will most likely be asked back but will also be asked to take the hometown discount. On the other hand, I don't think there is much interest out there for a fragile backup. He's more valuable as another "coach" for Ben. Dixon proved to me he can play so we'll see what happens to Charlie. Rocky Boiman is supposedly a LB on the team. No contract. Tyrone Carter is hopefully gone. Yes, he knows the defense, but what did that get us this year? There has to be a better backup safety available. Has to be. Ryan Clark I would have back in an instant. He got some bad press this year but I like him and what he adds. I wish he wrapped more people up rather than just hit them - but he is absolutley in people's heads as they roam around in our secondary. He is much better when Troy is out there. Nick Eason can play a little and with the age on our DL, we need to get younger there. Is he the person to help? I don't know. The only upside is that he knows the system. Hood will start soon. A rookie is cheaper. However, a lengthy injury to one of the grandpas and some experience would be nice. I say "no contract" right away. We need to see what happens. If all else fails, bring him back. Casey Hampton will not get a reward contract. He's a 2 down player who has no wind. Not sure how much interest he'll even generate. I say offer him a real contract for 2-3 years at market value. Kirschke is most likely gone. We need to get young. He doesn't fit that bill at all. Willie Parker can stay if he takes backup money. The Ravens are nice at RB with their dual approach. Parker showed a burst yesterday. They can't give him big money though. Will he remian a Steeler for less? I think not. I think he's this year's Antwaan Randel El and somebody will overpay for him. Should Mendenhall get hurt, Moore can fill in. Jeff Reed is crazy but he's also usually money. Bring him back but potentially see if somebody else can kickoff for next to $0. Townsend is GONE. I love the guy but he can't play anymore. Did you WATCH yesterday's game? Galloway is gone unless ridiculously cheap.

For the players under contract, will any be let go? Limas Sweed seems likely to me. James Farrior is also a possibility here. Again, I love him, but his play really dropped off this year. He's slow. We pride ourselves on side to side speed. Can't do that when slow in the middle. We also need to resign Santonio Holmes and Lamarr Woodley this offseason as they are up after 2010 and you know we won't do any deals after the season starts. They are core players and will absolutely get nice deals this year. They could both break the bank on the open market. I hope both work something out this offseason and I see no reason why they wouldn't. We've been very good at this recently.

FAN: Geddy Lee is a WHAT?

Mark Dent of MLB.com wrote this article and I'm not sure if anyone with a clue edited it.

If you asked me to describe Rush's music or force me to put them in a genre - without looking at Wikipedia (which I'll do in a minute) I'd classify them as a few things...Progressive Rock first and foremost. Art Rock second. Hard Rock...meh. Back in the day maybe. I should know this stuff as when people ask me who my favorite band of alltime is I take turns answering Rush or Led Zeppelin. Anyway, let's see what Wikipedia says.....

Wikipedia states: Musically, Rush's style has evolved over the years, beginning in the vein of blues-inspired heavy metal on their first albums, then encompassing hard rock, progressive rock, and a period dominated by synthesizers. They have influenced various musical artists, including Metallica,^[1][2] and The Smashing Pumpkins^[3] as well as progressive metal bands such as Dream Theater,^[1] Primus,^[3] and Symphony X.^[4]

Why on Earth this idiot decided to call him a "Punk Rocker" is a mystery to me - other than the dude doesn't know dick about music and thinks "Punk" is somehow interchangeable with "Progressive". He probably cringes when people don't know about double switches, designated hitters and how far it is from the rubber to home plate. Don't jazz stuff about things you don't know anything about, Skippy. Makes you seem ill-informed to the informed.

FAN: New Year's Eve

We went to a party that had this many kids on Thursday night. Wow. A little loud I must say.
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FAN: Steelers Home Crowd and Renegade

I had my camera ready in the 4th quarter and when the scoreboard went blank, I taped the crowd. You have to turn your volume up to actually hear the song as the crowd is pretty much drowning it out.

FAN: Steelers 2009 Playoff Scenarios Week 17

Thanks to Steelers Depot for posting these.

Easiest route is We win, Jets lose to Cincy, Texans lose to Pats. Probably won't happen. Cincy would probably rather lose than allow us to enter playoffs. The other scenarios need the Ravens to lose or tie the Raiders and I don't see that happening. If the Bengals win they could move up to the 3rd seed which would then give them the 6th seed (us) in the first round. I say we don't make it, but today's game was fun nonetheless. I hate to be so negative, but with our play calling and our defense - could we really repeat? At this point it might be better to get a higher draft pick. Anything can happen if you get in, but I'm not sure anything translates to Rod Woodson walking out of the tunnel and playing CB for us next week.

FAN: Bruce Arians Blows

What was Bruce thinking throwing on 3rd down when Baltimore was out of timeouts? With two minutes to go they could have taken at least 45 seconds off the clock. I just don't get it. Once Ben had to scramble he should have went into a fetal position. To throw a pic at that point is crazy stupid. I feel like we won because of the Raven penalty on that play. If there was no flag I really think we lose.
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FAN: Asshole

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FAN: Club Level Rules

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FAN: Fan and Cornbread

Hooked up with Genco dudes and headed to Firewaters. Go Stillers!!!
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FAN: Best Shirt Ever

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FAN: Stockings and Grace

Brandy Grace

Well, if you thought the Christmas Eve post about my daughter made our website too mushy, the yearly Christmas post should put us back on track. Much like the Christmas 2008 and Christmas 2007 posts.....these pictures come direct from Google Images first page of returns for searches on Stocking and Grace.

FAN: I Got My Present

Wii. DS. Cellphone. Laptop. iCarly. Friends. Homework. Every year my 10-year-old princess has more things to occupy her free time. More things to occupy free time means less time with Dad. Sure, I'm always close....helping with Math, maybe playing (losing) Wii, sitting at yet another swim practice....but not as much snuggle time on the couch. Or using her as a quickly growing Teddy Bear after she wakes up on Saturday. That quiet, close alone time has been replaced by "Daddy, I'm going downstairs" when she wakes up on weekends. Even if I'm already up it's getting harder to coax her over to help warm me up on the couch a while before we eat breakfast. There's certainly less hand holding in the mall. This list goes on. Face it, she's getting older. 10 year olds today are probably more like 13 year olds when I was young.

Tonight, we got all spiffy and headed off to church - a full hour and twenty minutes before the service started. Yup, you read that right. We have more than 3,000 families and 13,000 people. They had two 4:00 pm services, two 7:00 pm services and a midnight mass. We have been going early ever since we had to sit in the gym for the "overflow" service a few years ago. Yuck. My back was not made for a folding chair for any length of time. That's not important to the story. What's important is that about 20 minutes into the service, I felt a little hand and arm wiggle it's way between my arm and body and hooked us together. Then, she rested her head on my shoulder. It didn't last long enough for me (Catholic church -up/down/kneel), but it was nice while it did. Right there with all her classmates, friends, volleyball and swim teammates as well as some teachers.....my little tweener in her non-kiddy Christmas dress wasn't too cool to show her Daddy some Love.

Pretty dopey, I know, but true nonetheless. Merry Christmas.

FAN: Playoff Scenario

Has anyone done the hard math? I looked and started to, but it's so muddy. At the very least, can they be eliminated this week even with a win? I don't think so. I would love to see it spelled out somewhere from a trusted source. Maybe I will go through the tie breaker rules and see what I can come up with. It just sucks to high heaven that if you give us any one of the wins that we coughed up in the 4th quarter, I believe we'd be controlling our own destiny.

Did anyone see that Warren is out for the rest of the season? Long snappers are hard to come by. All FG and punt attempts could be entertaining this week.

I will actually be at the game this weekend. My homeboy Cornbread and I are going to attend in the club level seats. I've never sat there so I will take a few pics and compare and contrast to where I normall sit in the stadium. I'm glad we won yesterday or going to this game would be depressing. At least I feel like I have a reason to cheer.

FAN: Long Winter Nap

Christmas music is on. Scrabble game was won by Dad. Fire is hot. It's nap time right in front of the fire. G'night.
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FAN: Vanilla and Chocolate

I went to a work Happy Hour last night and every 5 minutes I had to act like it was the first time I heard that Scott and I were wearing the same sweater. Then we had to start posing for pictures. Sigh. Funny how a few drinks makes everyone think they are funny. Ummmm, not so much.
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DOG: What Are You Listening To Now? #13

This is the Christmas Edition of WAYLT. Not exclusively a Christmas edition but it's Christmas and I have gone on a mission to rediscover the Christmas music of my youth in digital form. And I am pleased to report that I have got all the Christmas music I will ever need until the day I die.

First off, I'm not a big Christmas music fan. Years and years of listening to everyone from Elvis, Nat King Cole, Bing Crosby, and Mitch Miller, to Britney Spears, Metallica (yes they have a Christmas album), George Strait... well damn near anybody you ever heard of has a Christmas album or two; anyway so much of it's complete record company bullshit that it's turned me completely off to Christmas music.

But then I remembered some of the old albums we used to play when I was little. They were absolutley enchanting. I knew I had the vinyl somewhere and I found it. The Longines watch company put out a 4 disc set in the early '60s called Christmas At the Fireside and sold it through Readers Digest. Later the rights to the music were sold to Shell Oil and they sold the records at gas stations! Anyway, for me this is Christmas music beyond compare. Symphony orchestra + choir. Top notch stuff. So I went out and found it.

That was my mother's influence. On my father's side we have Gene Autry and the original versions of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and Here Comes Santy Claus. And yep, I found those digitized too along with a collection of all the Christmas songs Gene Autry ever recorded.

When you add these to the Vince Guaraldi Trio - Charlie Brown's Christmas, that pretty much gets it for me. I have since added Mannheim Steamroller's Christmas which sounds a bit manufactured but I like the synthesizers and oboes and the odd instrumentation. Plus there's no singing on it so that's cool too.

Along the way I had to pick up Manhatten Transfer, Rockapella, and Leann Rimes Christmas albums for Mrs. Dog. I know Fan likes Ho Ho Hoey by Gary Hoey but I don't have that one. So here's what I've been listening to. How 'bout you?

10.(TIE) Kenny Burrell - Midnight Blue, and DC Slater - Follow The Sun. I know, Kenny Burrell is jazz and DC Slater is heavy guitar rock but I love them both.

9. Wynonna Judd - Singin' Chapter 1. Another odd selection for me but wow was I surprised when I first heard this a few days back. It's mostly blues and rock cover songs and actually only a few country numbers. Made me re-evaluate the talent some of these folks have that gets misdirected by record company execs. Sickening.

8. Carey Bell - (2 albums) Tough Luck & Mellow Down Easy. The more I hear him the more I appreciate him. He's way up there among my favorite blues harpists.

7. Ace Moreland - All his albums. He's a now deceased Southern Rock / Blues guitarist who I am just discovering and I like just about everything I hear.

6. The Dirty Dozen Brass Band - Buck Jump. Sophisticated New Orleans-style street jazz. Good stuff!

5. Bernard Allison - The Otherside. Got ahold of a promo copy (album is not scheduled to be released until 1/31/2010) and when it comes out, get it. HOT Blues!

4. Vince Guaraldi Trio - A Charlie Brown Christmas

3. Alien Cowboys - (3 albums) Analogtherapy, Lift, & Zero Gravity. I got an Alien Cowboys album several years ago called Other Space which I really like. So when I saw these, I picked them up. Fast becoming one of my favorite bands.

2. Gene Autry - The Complete Columbia Christmas Recordings

1. Longines Symphonette Society - Christmas At The Fireside

DOG: A Lump of Coal

Well it's Christmas and we are in dire need around here of a real Christmas story. So I'm going to tell you one of my very favorite ones about how naughty children get a lump of coal for Christmas. And that's a fact, Jack. Check it out.

It was around Christmastime 1963 that my father kept reminding me that if I didn't start behaving myself Santa would bring me a lump of coal in my stocking instead of presents.

Now I turned 8 just weeks before Christmas that year and was still solid in my belief of Santa Claus. And I had heard that story of coal in your stocking from my various aunts and uncles, Mr. King the barber, my friends parents and just about every adult I encountered. But I never met one kid, even ones who misbehaved way more than me, who had EVER gotten coal for Christmas... and we lived in the middle of the richest vein of bituminous coal ever discovered!

So needless to say I didn't take my father's threat real seriously. But I did try in vain to behave myself a little better as Christmas drew nearer. 'Cause he did seem to have an "in" with Santa Claus based on the stuff I asked for and the stuff I got the previous year. For instance, my dad told me he bought me the race cars and the figure 8 track they raced on because Santa knew I wanted it but he didn't have room in his sleigh. So he asked my dad to get it for me. Seemed logical and very plausible to me.

Well, 6:00am Christmas morning rolled around and I jumped out of bed to unwrap my presents. I got all kinds of stuff. Almost everything I asked for. And not a lump of coal to be found! Whoo-hoo. My parents were still asleep in bed so I wandered over to my stocking where the "little stuff" was. Usually not much really good stuff in the stocking. Maybe some candy, a piece of fruit, some cheap-ass plastic car or something like that.

And what was in there? Well, I'll be damned... A PIECE OF COAL!! In fact a very LARGE piece of coal. Son of a bitch if that Santa Claus didn't know how bad I was after all. I got so much stuff though. It was like he was saying, "Look you're a pretty good kid so I got you some nice presents. But you're a smart-ass little bastard sometimes and a royal pain in your parents ass. So straighten up or it's all coal next year, buddy."

YIKES!!! What could I do? I felt so bad. I was embarrassed that Santa Claus knew I was bad enough to get coal... when even the bad kids didn't get any. Shit, I couldn't let my parents wake up and find out that Santa brought me coal. Then they wouldn't get me anything either. So, showing signs of the resourceful son-of-a-bitch I grew up to be, I had to think fast. We had a coal furnace, and thus a coal bin downstairs to keep our winter fuel. So I tip-toed down the steps and threw that piece of coal in with the thousands of other pieces of coal in the coal bin. And stealthily tip-toed back up to the living room.

When my dad came out to the living room he asked, "What all did Santa bring you?" So I started showing him this and that and when I got to the last of my long list of presents he said, "You sure he didn't bring you nothin' else?"

And I replied, "Nope, not unless there's something hidden somewhere."

Then he hit me with, "So you didn't get no lump of coal, huh?"

Son of a bitch. Why did he have to ask me that? Well, he was the last person I wanted to know that I got coal for Christmas so I HAD to lie.

"I guess not. I didn't see none. Only coal I know of is down in the coal bin." I lied.

Then a few years later when I finally discovered that the real Santa Claus is indeed your parents, he confronted me about that lump of coal I got back when I was 8. He had played me like Stephane Grappelli played a violin. He had my ass hook, line and sinker. It dawned on me that he knew all along cause he was the one who put the damn coal in my stocking to begin with!

Well, my father is gone now. But the last Christmas he was alive he still was telling folks about the year I got coal in my stocking. How I lied about it and tried to cover it up. And how a few years later he nailed my ass with it when I boldly told him there was no Santa Claus. He had forgotten a lot about his life by the time he was 86 but he never forgot that story. And wherever he is in eternity I'm sure he's still laughing about it. Me too.

FAN: Interesting Tactic To Try If Pulled Over

This lady might be worse than our old Japanese friend at the airport.

I forgot to write about it, but on my way up to NH for Thanksgiving, I was caught by a hiding trooper doing 81 mph in a 65 zone. Whatever. He had his trunk up so you couldn't tell he was PO-lice. Anyway, what would have happened if I reacted like this......

FAN: Best Of Slanted Christmas

A three year old post about favorite Christmas Specials

Marshmallow Baby Jesus

What looks "Christmasy"

Miser Brothers Remake

FAN: Magazines Starting To Suck

Listen you stupid magazines - I'm not happy one single bit with your latest ploys to prolong subscriptions. We get so many magazines I can't even keep track. I'm much more of a magazine reader than a book reader these days. If I get sufficiently pissed off at some of them though, I'll end that in a hurry. A slew of renewal forms just came through the house and I noticed three trends.

One - I almost ripped one up that my wife no longer wants to receive but on closer inspection, it had written on it: "You will be automatically renewed and billed unless you return this card marked DO Not Continue". That's some bullshit right there. It's OK for auto insurance to do that and the like. It's NOT ok for magazines to do it. It's just not. Why? Because for years we've been trained to get a renewal card and decide what we want to do. It's standard operating procedure for subscribing to a magazine for a certain length of time. I'm sure the economy caused this, but big business is slimy so maybe it was coming regardless.

Two - I already paid for another year of one of my favorite magazines. Another mailing came and my wife even said "Oh, I thought you paid that one". I did. It was another offer to add another year on for a reduced rate, but it was made out to look like my normal renewal card. The slimy bastages are looking for people who have so many subscriptions they can't keep track of what they already paid - so when they get this, they just check the box and pay another year ontop of what they're already getting. I swear the text explaining that I was in good standing for the next year and this was for 12 issues ontop of that was very hard to find and very misleading even to someone like me. Imagine the old goats getting this! They might not even live another two years!

Three - I'm 6 months into a 1 year subscription and I'm being told to renew or risk interuption of service. I'm not going to miss my mailed medications. I'm not going to lapse my auto insurance. I might miss a month of a magazine that just jumbles their article names and keeps cranking out the same old shit month after month. Yeah, I'm not going to renew you period, Pilgrim. I'll have to keep my eyes peeled for it though so they don't trick me into sending them money.

Magazine marketers have become carnival barkers. Word!

FAN: Chipotle Needs Process ReEngineering

Take a good look at this picture. I thought I was gonna have to paint a picture with words for this rant but I plugged "Chipotle Mexican Grill" into Google Images and behold - I got more than I expected.

I'm a simple man. A little odd, yes. A little direct, yes, but I work a certain way. A predictable way. Things should make sense to me. Inefficiencies suck. Call me crazy. I only spilled the contents of a bagless vacuum on the freshly vacuumed carpet once. It's woven into my fabric. When things annoy me, I look for and find better ways to do them. It's why I do what I do for a living. There is no better job for me than to find fault with things.

I hate salad bars. Hate them! I love salad. Dilemma! Why don't I like salad bars? How much time do you have? They're basically a mess. We love Ruby Tuesday's salad bar....at certain times of the day. If you get there shortly after they open or before the dinner rush, it's much better. By "much better" I mean "much cleaner". I don't like hard boiled egg pieces in my beets. It must be the presentation thing for me. Yes, I'm going to mix all those things together in my own salad, but I don't want the grape that the snot nosed kid touched and put back. You feel me? I don't like it when the stainless steel parts between the crocks are so full of old stuff it looks like a rather large person sneezed a hurricane. I don't want the oily mess from a pasta salad dripping on the carrots. My wife had to get "kitchen certified" to be the administrator of an assisted living once. She learned all kinds of creepy things about salad bars. TIP: Pass on the spinach and sprouts.

So, that was a little background. On to Chipotle. I love Chipotle Mexican Grill. A quick affordable lunch much better than Taco Bell. I haven't been in a Taco Bell in 10 years - maybe longer. With the advent of "fast casual" places like Chipotle's, Qdoba, Moe's and Baha Fresh - why would you? Of all those mentioned, Chipotle is my absolute favorite. Small menu, refillable Diet Coke, excellent burritos! Software geeks L-O-V-E burritos and caffeine. There's nothing like going back to the cube farm with some good belches lined up. I'll try to make this short. Maybe I'll email Chipotle myself, but as I'm coming through the line every time, and I prolly eat there once a week, I get those old salad bar feelings when I look at the sour cream. Why? There's typically corn salsa and cheese backstroking in it. I'm having the corn salsa and I'm having the cheese, so to get the sour cream is no huge deal to me, but for presentation purposes or if I had an aversion to corn and wanted sour cream, I'd pass.

Now look at the picture again. Imagine the section with the meat and beans is where you first order and then the secion with the salsas and toppings are right beside it. The worker is standing on the side of the sour cream. The corn salsa is closest to the customer as you walk down the board. I want the corn closer to the worker! If the worker doesn't have to navigate corn on a spoon going for a flyover of the sour cream.....no kernel can decide to commit cornicide and jump off said serving spoon. Genius! I just solved the age old problem of corn in the sour cream! I noticed it the second time I ate there. Now when I go, I just laugh at all the corn in the sour cream and wonder A. How did this come about? and B. Why is it still like that? I thought maybe it was just the one store I eat at for lunch but it's not. Our local one is set up the same way and this picture indicates that it's most likely this way at every location.

I know that swapping the corn and sour cream solves little as you'll just have the opposite effect of sour cream in the corn....but why do those buckets have to be that way? Use a thicker sour cream and it won't run off the spoon. Keep the same runny sour cream but put it in a squeezable bottle like ketchup. There are probably 100 different ways to get around this problem, but it's hard for me to understand why a national chain hasn't seen this as an issue yet and changed it. If that store opens at 11 AM, I guarantee you the first piece of corn flies into the white quicksand around 11:07. If Chipotle's was around and I worked there instead of Burger King when I was in high school - I would have solved that bugger on Day 2.

Don't you think one worker..somewhere..anywhere.. at 11:07 AM is saying "Damn! You there, you slippery hot kernel...YOU...will be the last kernel of corn that ever falls in the sour cream on MY watch!"

FAN: Idiot Local News

Ya know, I blame the networks when as a family we're watching a television show at 8 pm and they run a commercial for a rated 'R' horror movie. I can't stand it. Just what a 10 year old girl needs to see before going to bed. Heck, just what a 41-year-old chicken man needs to see before he goes to bed! Safe to say that when I notice it, we are watching something that can appeal to many age groups. Deal Or No Deal used to do it. American Ido used to do it.

Well tonight, at 8:30 pm, right smack dab in the middle of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer in the Philly area on CBS....they do a 15 second local news teaser after the commercials where the girl says and I quote...ahem...."Tonight at 11, the gruesome story of a 100-year-old woman who was strangled and the surprising suspect...".

It's closing in on Christmas, the girls baked Christmas cookies today, we're sitting on the couch enjoying Bumble and the Elf Boss and Charlie in the Box....and then BAM!...Lucy has some 'splainin' to do. "Yes, honey, there are terrible people in this world who do not respect life one little single bit. What's that? No honey, Daddy doesn't know why anybody would strangle a 100-year-old lady." All the while in the back of my head I'm thinking I can't wait until she's a little older - how much older I'm not sure - but old enough to hear what her old man really thinks about the piece of low life scumbag shitstain animal that did this.

Back to the real topic though...why, WHY did the network have to use that for a teaser while Rudolph was on? Is there not a Producer of some sort that makes these calls or looks to see what's on before running with a teaser? Are we that desensitised that kids aren't supposed to blink when they hear a fragile old woman was strangled? What's wrong with people? I don't want her to hear that one 30-year-old man strangled another 30-year-old man in a bar fight, let alone have her contemplate the senseless killing of some family's matriarch.

Like Dennis Leary says....Have a Merry Effing Christmas.

FAN: Mathletes, Not

Maybe I'm biased because I majored in Math and Computer Science, but I read something so ridiculous (to me) last night I almost laughed out loud. I don't try many new recipes with a lot of ingredients so someone please correct me if I'm wrong. I might even debate you on it as it doesn't seem to make sense to someone who thinks like me. I was in the, um, reading room with no material of my own to read so I picked up one of Mrs. Fan's magazines. There was an article on healthy snacks to make for parties and there was a recipe for fruit and cheese balls that required no cooking. What struck me as totally odd and unnecessary was at the very top of the recipe right under the name. It stated "Recipe Can Be Doubled". Really? No shit, Sherlock! I bet it can also be.....wait for it....tripled or quadrupled! Is it me? Am I wrong? There was no chemical reaction to the process that I saw....maybe I'm just a grumpy old man? Please, school me on this one.

FAN: Finally Able To Comment

I just couldn't put the loss to the Browns in words until tonight. It took me a full day to play with it all day in my head....trying to make sense out of it.....how a 6-2 team that beat the Chargers and the Vikings could lose to the three blind mice. When did I know the game was over? I think I had a very bad feeling in the pit of my stomach around 8:22 or so. Steelers ball first drive Mendenhall for 5 on first down to the right. On second down it's Mendenhall again to the right for 4 more. It's windy. It's cold. We want to set the tone. We need to set the tone. We want to tell the Browns right now that they are in for a huge ass whoopin' and take some of their spirit away. I was giddy with anticipation as they broke the huddle on 3rd and less than a yard. I wanted Mendenhall to get a full two or three yards on this short yardgae carry. Um....why is Ben in shotgun? Why is Ben in shotgun? There's nobody back there with him. They're going empty backfield? I'm talking to one of my two cats of course because I think others in the house don't share my committment to the team...... SACK! I can't swear because Still A Stroke is within earshot so I think to myself GDMFSOAAPMB. I'm not mad at Ben. I'm not mad at the line (well, a little). I'm GDMF pissed off at Bruce Arians. Bruce Arians sucks more ass than Clay Aiken. He just does. I know the defense can't hold a lead in games lately near the end, but godfreaking dammit Bruce......it's 3rd and less than a yard on the opening GD drive after you already ran the GD ball twice and looked very good doing it. It wasn't 3rd and 7. It wasn't 3rd and 4. There are so many crazy things you can do in this situation, but shotgun with empty backfield? How about play action if you have to pass? You know what....I'm done. I could "what if" all night. They just aren't very good right now at all. If Bruce Arians is back next year, I'll be pissed but I'm guessing he will be since he gives Ben the freedom to call his own plays and Ben probably likes that and wants him to stay for that reason.

APM = ass picking monkey

One of my favorite swears to mix in when I'm really angry taken from one Ruth Gordon in Every Which Way But Loose.

DOG: An Attempt at Rational Analysis

Just today I read that Mike Tomlin will be making some personnel changes for the Thursday night game in Cleveland. That’s good because his rhetoric only sounds cool when he’s winning. It sounds like arrogance when they’re losing and I do not believe Tomlin to be an arrogant man. Action should have been taken long ago instead of “Unleashing Hell.” What bullshit. Tomlin should have been unleashing the Hell himself on the players and coaches. Maybe he’s learned a lesson.

OK let’s start out by stating the obvious. There are three main fault areas in this year’s Stillers. First is Special Teams primarily with kick return coverage units and more specifically the kickoff coverage unit. But I hold my breath during punt returns too. Second we have an offense with plays called for no rhyme or reason who can move the ball between the 20s with the greatest of ease but once inside the redzone stutters and sputters like a Model T out of gas. I have seen this offense referred to as “500 Yards and a Cloud of Horseshit.” Wish I knew who the guy was who coined that phrase. It wasn’t me but I’m using it anyway ‘cause I like it and it’s accurate. And last, we have a defense that cannot protect any lead in the 4th quarter of any game against any opponent. All three phases are screwed up.

On Special Teams I blame Tomlin for two things. Not firing special teams coach Ligashesky at the end of last season and putting bad personnel on the field on coverage teams. When Tomlin arrived who had been our special teams leaders and demons? That’s right, Sean Morey and Chidi Iwuoma. And Tomlin got rid of them very quickly. Now I will be the first to admit that neither Morey nor Iwuoma brought much to the table outside of special teams play but looking at the train wreck we have on coverage units right now I’d say we sure could use a couple guys like those two. Then beyond that, our top gunner from last season (which was nothing to write home about special teams-wise either), Sam Madison, was cut at the end of training camp. I submit to you that none of these players were truly replaced. One example is Ryan Mundy who is worthless on kickoff coverage (and he has the brain of an ear of corn as a Safety). Madison was resigned last week and I look for more personnel changes in all the special teams packages. And while I’m on special teams can anybody explain to me what the fuck Troy Polamalu was doing on a FG defense unit? Wouldn’t you think that outside of Roethlisberger the one guy too valuable to risk on something as simple as a FG attempt would be Polamalu? But there he was for some fat guy to roll up on his leg and, well you know the rest of the story. My prediction here is Ligashesky is fired at the end of this season and we start from scratch with a new coach and some new players.

On offense the popular thing to do is criticize Bruce Arians. And I must say Bruce brings this criticism upon himself. Not saying all of it is justified. But we have gone as far as Bruce Arians can take this offense. If we ever want to be an elite offensive unit he needs to step down or be fired. We have the talent to be elite but we will never live up to that talent with Arians as OC. Actually he has installed a very good offensive scheme around the talent that we have. But in game planning and on game day he is as lost as a 5 year old boy who can’t find his parents in downtown Manhattan. He never adjusts. Never calls plays to accentuate our strong points, conceal our weak points, or take full advantage of the weakness of a defense. Never calls one play to set up another later on. That is unacceptable. His partner in crime? QB coach Kenny Anderson. We’ve got a QB who week after week throws an interception in the endzone. There’s a definite pattern here. This is where coaching at the professional level should assert itself. Someone, presumably the QB coach, needs to get in Ben’s cage and help him fix that shit. That obviously isn’t happening. And besides, Ken Anderson was QB for the Bengals and I’ll always hate and mistrust him for that. I don’t have a prediction here but both these coaches need to be shown the door. If that don’t happen don’t expect much next year either.

On defense, we miss Polamalu undoubtedly. Not having Troy changes a lot of the things LeBeau has designed this defense to do. Also, not having Aaron Smith has rocked this defense to it’s very core despite the fact that you could argue Eason, Hood, and Kirshke have filled in about as well as could reasonably be expected. James Farrior has gotten too old to cover a RB on a pass pattern practically overnight. He is a very smart player but the brain isn’t the part of the body that allows you to cover Ray Rice out of the backfield. But the Achilles heel of this unit is the secondary. I had hopes that Wil.I.Am Gay could be a full time starter. Apparently Tomlin did too but he obviously is not. Tyrone Carter had known weaknesses. He tries hard but cannot make up for his lack of speed. Carter is fine to fill in when a safety goes down for a game. Maybe two games. But going with him for this long is bound to have consequences. And Ryan Mundy, I feel like he is stealing his paycheck. It’s not only that he can’t cover a kick, he can’t cover a receiver and when he tries to deliver a big hit he either knocks one of our guys out cold or draws an unnecessary roughness penalty. Negative, Negative, Negative. It must be driving LeBeau and Tomlin who have great experience as secondary coaches –and in LeBeau’s case as a player- to see this secondary playing so poorly. Ike Taylor can swag all he wants but swaggin’ ain’t helping him catch interceptions or stay close enough to his man to stop passes from being completed either. DeShea is too old. This is it for him.

So Tomlin’s going to make some personnel changes. I can’t wait. Gives me a reason to bother to even watch that game on Thursday. This is where I disagree with Fan and a couple other people who commented earlier. How can you say we need to draft for this position or that position? Case in point. This past draft we picked up two defensive secondary players in Joe Burnett and Keenan Lewis. So how can you say we need to draft secondary help? The help we need might already be on the roster. But none of us knows that because we’ve never really seen these two fellows play a game. Tomlin don’t really know either but we’re all going to find out. And the sooner the better. We also got defensive linemen Ziggy Hood and Sunny Harris this past draft. Those guys could be 2/3 of our future defensive line. But we need to find out what they can do.

In summary, put yourself in Tomlin’s place. The dude just won his first Super Bowl. It’s got to be hard to sit or cut the very players that put that ring on your finger. And it’s got to be harder still to fire some of the coaches who helped you reach that goal. But that’s exactly what should have been done. And I hope Tomlin realizes that now. I trust that the appropriate changes will be made. Remember it is not the Steeler way to respond with knee jerk reactions. That is left up to us fans. But I am confident a serious analysis of the situation is already in the works. It seems to me that from the comments in the media by team leaders like Hines Ward and Big Ben that there is also a disconnect and a distrust between the players and the coaching staff. The players are looking to Tomlin to resolve that and it hasn’t happened. So Tomlin needs to take over the reins a bit more. Keep your eye on what he does himself for the next 4 weeks. That will tell you all you need to know about what will happen in the offseason.

Now that I’ve rationalized all that for everyone and myself, it still pisses me off to be in this situation. But hey, it’s better than being a Cleveland Browns fan. And Fan, I did find pictures of some nasty nasty poop to use as a graphic but honestly it was just too gross to post. So I’m not using any graphics. Like they say, “If it’s Brown flush it down.”

DOG: Big Ben at The Crossroads?

People have come to the understanding now that Big Ben Roethlisberger will throw an interception in the red zone (if not the end zone) in practically every game. It is to be expected. It is to be planned for. It will most always come at the most inopportune moment… not that there is ever a good moment for such a thing.

Ben will play 99% of the game flawlessly. He’ll escape sacks like Houdini to extend and make plays. But he’s guaranteed to throw that one pick that will prove to be costly in the final score. This results in either potential points that were never realized, or points for the opponent, or both. It’s exactly that kind of play that cost the Cardinals the Super Bowl when Silverback picked off Warner and took it 100 yards the other way. And it’s this kind of play that contributes to the Stillers miserable season when it happens continually, week after week.

To explain why this happens I offer “The Robert Johnson Theory.”

As you may or may not know, young Robert Johnson aspired to be a blues guitarist and singer. But by all accounts, the young man couldn’t play for shit. Only knew a few basic chords. So one Mississippi night he went out to a certain “Crossroads” and, as the legend goes, made a deal with the devil. The deal went that the devil would guarantee Johnson fame and fortune as a musician in exchange for his eternal soul.

As the story goes Johnson disappeared into Arkansas for, according to varying accounts, from a month to six weeks. He returned to Mississippi and could suddenly play his guitar better than anybody around. Johnson indeed became a huge star in the ensuing years. Until the devil decided it was time to collect on his end of the deal and Johnson was given poison whiskey. He died a horrible torturous 2 day death. So how does this apply to Big Ben you ask?

Before that final drive in last year’s Super Bowl the Devil whispered into Ben's ear, "You want to throw that winning TD pass don't you? I can make that happen for you."

Ben says, "Yeah man, what do I got to do?"

"Just throw the ball to Santonio, I'll do the rest. The only thing is next year you're going to throw an interception in the end zone every game. And you have to bang an ugly skank for me out in Nevada. Deal?"

And Ben replied, “Deal!”

So, just as Robert Johnson 75 years earlier traded stardom for his soul, Big Ben traded that winning Super Bowl TD and the fame that came with it for a sexual assault lawsuit and season full of interceptions in the end zone.

FAN: Unleash The Truth

I'm guessing Mike Tomlin didn't make it to the end of the movie Gladiator the day he was watching it and quoted it leading up to the Raiders game. Maximus dies, dude. Not only does he die, they killed his family! They didn't just kill them, it was more graphic than that when explained to him. They were left hanging at the property as well. Sound familiar? In the end he wanted death! He wanted to join his family in death and thought about it often. Now it really makes sense, no? You can just see Ike Taylor Swaggin' down in Miami after the season. Just close your eyes, Ike...close them....see the sand....feel it beneath your toes......that's right....drift off......let it go..............................

FAN: NFL Draft Is Four Months Away

Swagga. Ike Taylor......Swagga. Hey Ike, you're supposed to be able to stop the most dangerous receivers in the league. Maybe that doesn't include bush-league players. I'm so disappointed. Not mad, disappointed. We now need to win out and most likely get help from other teams. Unleash Hell? Did Mike Tomlin really say that? We're going to unleash Hell in December? We're just not that good on defense right now. It's sickening. When William Gay went down and they surrounded him on the field, I thought it was like a YouTube fight video and the other Steelers were kicking him out of view of the cameras. I could care less about the call on Mundy. We were going to lose regardless. The only way to not lose is to take the lead with about 3 seconds left on the clock. I was almost positive that Tomlin wouldn't let the team respond this way this year. I was wrong. Can they make the playoffs? I don't know. They can get hot and win out, but Geez who wants to go at it as the sixth seed again after winning it all last year? I say the second they are mathematically eliminated, lose out and draft a DB. We have to draft a DB. I'll scream bloody murder if they don't draft a corner because William Gay is not an NFL corner, I'm sorry. Also, how freaking appropriate that Sweed got his hands on the Hail Mary at the end of the game.

FAN: HOF Part II

I never got around to posting the second half which will be more abbreviated. It does give me something to do while Still A Stroke gets schooled on faster freestyle starts.

After big fat Aretha did her set with help from Annie Lennox, the set went dark and I heard James say "We're Metallica and this is what we do". They played a song by themselves and then had Ray Davies come out for "All Day and All Thru The Night". Cool. Then Lou Reed came out for "Sweet Jane" and I thought Lars rushed him something fierce. Very noticeable to me. Very. Next was something really cool, Ozzy came out! They played "Iron Man" and went into "Paranoid". Sweet, sweet metal! Ozzy left and they ended with "Enter Sandman".

There was a short Bluesish segment with Jeff Beck where my main man Buddy Guy came out and played "Let Me Love You Baby". Beck also played "People Get Ready" and Sting sang which was OK but I would have preferred Rod Stewart on vocals.

Lastly U2 played too long a set with Bono allowing the crowd to wash over him with his ridiculous Jesus poses. Just sing, man! I didn't understand Fergie and Will I Am being there but they sang with U2 and Mick Jagger on a tune in which Fergie really did sound good on backing vocals....very powerful. Mick, much like Bruce, is almost embarassing to watch at this point. He moved So much trying to get every signature move in within 3 minutes that its a wonder he didn't end up in traction!

All in all, even with my little digs, I've still watched it almost 3 times through already. Its worth buying for the Beck, Ozzy, Buddy and other cool sets I mentioned. Enjoy!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

FAN: Rock-n-Roll Hall Of Fame 25th Year Concert

Wow. Did anyone else see this? I set the DVR on Sunday but just finally watched it last night. Tonight I FF'd through it to show Mrs. Fan and Still A Stroke a thing or two. They got nowhere near as hyped up as I did, but it's mostly because it wasn't Beyonce or Madonna. I'm not going to lie, parts of it were just "meh" for me, but some parts had me screaming emphatic "Yeahs" in an empty house and raising double rock signs while riding a recumbent bike. On to a detailed review.....The two concerts totaled over 5 hours but HBO cut it down to 4. If the DVD is ever released I hope to buy it as it's really a superb rock reference.

The show opened up with Jerry "Killer"Lee Lewis singing Great Balls of Fire solo with only a piano. He looked and sounded like shit but he was still 100% rock-n-roll. He flipped his seat when the song was over and it was symbolic but kind of sad really. I don't think the Killer is going to be around much longer. During the piano solo in the middle they did an awesome video montage of his hair flying around in his younger days. Still A Stroke couldn't believe it was the same human being but that's the point I was trying to get across.

The next set was Crosby, Stills and Nash. I have nothing against them and I know Stills is a good guitarist, but they just were never my bag of tricks. They stayed out and played the part of house band for a while while others played with them. I know I will forget people over the course of the review but I think Bonnie Raitt did a song with them as well as Jackson Browne and James Taylor. Of course being a blues fan I liked the Raitt part the best, but I could have done without the wife beater and James Taylor. Again, no offense, they just don't speak to me. I like some of Taylor's music and he showed some life on stage but this entire set kind of bored me a little. Taylor sang "Love The One You're With".

Paul Simon came 0ut next and did a really entertaining set. He's a very capable guitar player. He did a solo hit or two including "Call Me Al" which included some strange dancing by Paul that looked out of place at his age. He's old enough to scare young children for God's sake. Dion DeMucci joined him for "The Wanderer" and then Stills and Nash came back out for "Here Comes The Sun". Simon then introduced Garfunkel and the place went bat shit. Art needs a stylist as he still looked like his usual self from their heyday. It was weird in that it looked like Will Ferrell dressed up in makeup. I have to say though that I enjoyed the set they did together. "Sounds of Silence" sounded great. HBO cut some of their songs but left in "Bridge Over Troubled Water" which I could have done without. They also cut Paul doing "Late in the Evening" and I love that song. The band was really tight and I was enjoying all the percussion. I hope it makes the DVD.

Stevie Wonder came out next and tore it up. He did one song with an embalmed looking Smokey Robinson. A 100 year old man should not have the smooth face of a 7 year old. Creepy. Ew. John Legend joined him for a song and I have no idea who that is. BB King joined him for what else but the only song he ever plays on TV "The Thrill Is Gone". Uninspired I was. I got fired up for what came next though as Sting walked out playing bass to "Higher Ground" while they traded lyrics. Cool. The song then morphed into "Roxanne". Sting tore the bass up on Higher Ground which sounded more like the Peppers cover with Sting on bass. Sting had a lumberjack beard that I didn't mind on him. He's a solid solid musician in my book. Not sure who was on drums for this set but he kicked ass. The next song ended up being my favorite of the concert....Jeff Beck strolled out for "Superstition" and brought the house down. His solo was electrifying. My daughter was like "how does he DO that?" and I said "Baby, that man is only 4 years younger than your Grandpap. Pay attention cause they won't teach this in music class". I was inspired to listen to Beckology at work today. What a showman too. He doesn't move much so every movement he does make carries extra significance to me. Understated and perfect.

The first night's set ended with Bruce doing too long a set in my opinion. Billy Joel joined him for 2 songs, Sam Moore did a little with them. John Fogerty did a good rendition of "Desperate Son". Then I was totally blown away....Tom Morello from Rage Against The Machine came out which I thought was a really odd pairing and they did "The Ghost of Tom Joad" together. Morello knocked the solo out of the park. It was crazy. Bruce also had a very good guitar solo which shocked me to be quite honest. My main problem with Bruce is that he has become a caricature of himself and he doesnt realize it. From the first note of the first song he was strumming that crazy ass strum he does and rearing back to sing and making faces like he had a redwood tree trunk stuck in his ass....the first song! He looked like he just finished a marathon. Stop acting and only do that stuff if you're really feeling the music. Don't fake it. It looks retarded. Darlene Love also did a song but I don't know her either.

I'll do a second post tomorrow or Friday on the rest of the concert. It's too long to do in one post and I need my beauty sleep. I will say this.....I was curious the entire night as to why the concert was in New York when the HOF itself is in Cleveland. Isn't that a slap in the face to Cleveland? I also understand every band isn't still together or there have been deaths and other things that occur, but it seemed odd to me from reading the set list that Paul Simon and then Paul & Art got so much time. Looking back into the history and influence of everyone in the HOF, were they THAT significant? Who knows. More later...... I suggest setting your DVR if it's going to be on again or trying YouTube.

FAN: Tiger Shows True Stripes

I haven't watched Saturday Night Live in 15 years but I just bet you there's going to be a Nike commercial for "Just Do It" this weekend. What a horse's ass. All the money in the world. One of the most powerful people in sports. A wife that is like an angel so sweet you'd swear she was made out of cotton candy. Look at her! A beautiful child. Respect. All gone. Gone! G-O-N-E. For what? Some strange. McNair had to have it and it killed him. What if Elin chasing Tiger with a golf club caused him to crash so hard his head went through the windshield and he died. Can you imagine! What a fascinating way to go out. I hope sweet sweet Elin had a huge prenup. LOOK AT HER! Dear God. A swiss model/nanny and your child's mother - all traded in for a Las Vegas cocktail waitress. Cock and tail can only lead to divorce, my friend. Elin, that girl doesn't deserve her picture to be shown, the media whore. She can't compete with your toe jam. How stupid is Tiger to think she wasn't taping messages and keeping texts? All for what? Chris Rock nailed it. Men will do almost anything for NP.