Lurie: "Signing TO Was A Mistake"

Today's headline in Philadelphia sports comes from Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurid...I mean Lurie. "Signing TO was a mistake." is the main sound bite. The rest is just "blah blah blah team chemistry...blah blah blah character is important...blah blah" kind of stuff. Hmmm, signing TO was a mistake. Wow. That might be the NFL's understatement of the year. In other obvious news this week: Mel Gibson is trying to figure out how he can fire rockets into Israel. After realizing he does not have the capacity to carry out said mission, he instead made prank calls to a local Jewish deli. The newly crowned Miss Universe passed out shortly after receiving the crown. Doctors present at the scene attributed the fainting to the nutritional content of her 3 meals that day which consisted of swallowing air for breakfast, half of a celery stalk for lunch and 2 lines of coke for dinner chased with a Diet Coke. The new Miss U angrily disputed that report saying she ate 3 peeled white grapes around 6:00 pm. Madonna is desperate for attention again as celebrity news has turned to the likes of Paris Hilton, Brittney Spears and J. Lo. Madge has Italy's panties in a bunch because she enters her new concert on a cross wearing a crown of thorns. Yawn. You're like, 47.....can you PLEASE act your age....I implore you. If this stunt fails to bring as much attention as the aging diva desires, her next stunt waiting in the wings will shock you. Obsessed with mixing sex and religious symbolism, she plans to kidnap Suri Cruise, place her in a woven basket, float her down the Mississippi river and bang the hell out of the person lucky enough to find her. Woody Allen is trying to pinpoint the exact drop-off spot so he can set up a camp downriver with infrared lights and motion equipment. When asked if he's that desperate to sleep with Madonna he responded that he thought the finder got to keep and raise Suri until she was old enough to sleep with. When informed this wasn't the case he packed up and went home....after buying some young Asian porn. Seems he didn't even realize Suri was American...or is she? Nobody really knows I guess since she's been locked up in a room and will be until she's 16 by the laws of scientology. Tom Cruise had the world by the nuts 5 years ago and now everyone just thinks he's completely nuts. Full Circle. Funny, isn't it?