So you know I recently went from a company of 18 to a company of 18 exponential. Hilarity abounds. My life is a Dilbert cartoon. I could blog every day about something that happens to me at work but there are probably too many of those around already. Today, however, I smiled the entire way home in traffic. Without getting too specific, let's just say about 2 months ago when the dude who used to write some reports for my department went on vacation. In his absence, another drone (not me) was asked to run his reports. Drone #1 ran into trouble and asked the new guy for help (me). Turns out the instructions for running a few reports were longer than War & Peace. It included things like "rub tummy while patting head" and "bury potato in back yard under full moon". I openly criticized the process and questioned why we were using so many tools to accomplish a single task. Bad idea. Repeat: Bad Idea. Ok, hotshot, you don't like how we do it....YOU do it better. So I did. In fact, after the reports made their way to a few meetings, I suddenly had to start hiding out lest someone else ask me for a report...like I'm the only human being who can proficiently use reporting software on our floor. Now it seems like once a week I get hit up by my boss to write a new report. The reporting that comes with one piece of software that we use sucks ass so I use the native results from it to populate an Excel document that I dress up nicely with multiple linked tabs and all kinds of summary information. I "put some lipstick on that pig" for sure. The report made it all the way up the food chain and that's where it gets fun. I got another request to write a report with the crappy reporting options out of the native software. Hmmmm. Who would want that? Better yet, why would someone want that? I asked a few questions and tried to use the Jedi Mind Trick to convince the person that they didn't need the crappy report. The force was not strong enough with me because they really wanted this report. Why? To reconcile the Excel spreadsheet that someone was nice enough to send them. I tried to explain that the crappy software is exactly what provided me with the numbers in the first place for the Excel report. Silence. It was then explained to me again....slower. Now, if you know me at all.......then you know I don't react kindly to shots being fired across my bow. I explained again using the word "circular" and got a furrowed brow. I ended with "Ok, no problem" and returned to my lab to produce a report that would prove that apples do indeed equal apples. Don't worry about me career-wise. That ship has sailed. I report to an AVP and I couldn't handle any more responsibility at this place. I'd fire people left and right....or fire at people left and right. My new mantra is to make as much money as possible with as little responsibility as possible. It leaves me more time to consult! So far I think about 4 people out of the 20 I work with "get" it and are valuable employees. I just can't tolerate these bumbling worthless idiots who have been here for 15 years and can't do a goddamn thing by themselves. I left my own department where I had an office and basically free reign to do whatever I wanted as it pertained to SQA to come to real life Dilbert. Now, I get paid more to have great ideas that are ignored. I'm getting paid more for them to choke what little passion I had remaining for my job away. Funny, no? Oh, and did I mention for the last 4 years at my previous job I wrote zero reports? Zeeeeeeeeeeeeeero.
8 comments:
Welllll, welcome to the real life American workplace!
My wife came home bitching about her work a couple weeks ago saying, "All I do is babysit people. This is stupid!"
To which I replied, "Yep, I know. I've made a career out of babysitting MBAs."
And it's true. Somewhere there is a huge disconnect in how much people are paid relative to their overall organizational value.
I am glad to see you are following in my footsteps young grasshopper. I have been making as much as possible for as little effort for as long as I can remember. Once your motivation is gone what else you got??
No matter how good your ideas are if there's just one egotistical bastard (or bitch) wielding control who won't listen, you are screwed up the ass with no lubricant.
So you help the helpless even though they've got college degrees that indicate they should be smarter than you. Yet in reality you could teach a dog you rescued off Broward County Animal Control's Death Row how to do things this guy can't comprehend. Then you call it a day.
We're just plastic soldiers in a miniature dirt war. J.M.
I'm signing a bit different today to cover my butt in case someone at work figures out how to use a search engine. Your picture for this completely fits what I have going on at the moment. I am turning into Wally. I produce better when I'm driven harder and at the moment I'm not producing much. Work is allowing me to coast and I'm taking adavantage of it. I should have moved on awhile back, but my current position really allows me flexibility for things that pop up that are not work related and provides a haven from some of the stress in my home life.
Back when I was driven, I had a story similar to yours. I saw an opportunity where a co-worker was spending pointless hours culling data for a report. They were porting data out of an Access database into Excel and wasting pretty much a day of work every month to produce a single report. I have access to a reporting tool and I was able to re-create their report in just a couple of hours (just the coding of the report). The actual run time for the report is in seconds. My co-worker was blown away. I had completely eradicated a process that they hated doing because it was so tedious and time-consuming.
I agree. That is a great picture for this topic. Reminds me of two guys, Allen (M.) & Allen (A.) back when they worked for RehabScare.
Dudes sat around and played every free internet game they could find. Watched HBO series like Deadwood, The Wire, and The Sopranos on some DivX player they also downloaded. For months at a time! Their boss even got into the act. He found a free internet minature golf game on which his top score was 21 on an 18 hole course. Can you imagine how much of his workday was spent practicing for a score like that? All the while getting paid and racking up bonus money too!
Too bad Mrs. Fan's RehabScare experience was not so relaxing.
Just wait until one of those "bumbling worthless idiots who have been there for 15 years and can't do a goddamn thing by themselves" decides to quit and your boss says he cannot live without them. He then proceeds to give them a 10% raise to stay because it is the "right thing to do". Never call it a "counter offer" because that would be the wrong impression to give.
Of course you will still need to write the next report because the the idiot still has no idea what he is doing. It kind of sucks the life right out of you!
small comapnies are the way to go. the financial security isn't there - but everyone is capable of doing there jobs and there is hell to pay if you don't. for every time i have to wait 4 days for an environment to be up because somebody forgets to move something...there should be a butt chewing but there isn't. when i worked at my first company for 12 years...and moor cowbell will back me up here...the owner would go after you in public to make a point if you boned up. it was put up or shut up and if you didn't put up...you were fired. i now see that it (owning his own small company) was the only way he could function because if he were forced to work where i do now....he would already be in jail for killing someone. companies are just too pussified (still a dog's word) to do anything about lame employees anymore. i'm already making my mental list for who i want gone when/if i am ever promoted. i know i said i didnt want to be any higher than i am now.....but the consequences of not taking an offered promotion might be to work for someone who is REALLY incompetent. and from what i've seen so far - the totem pole above me is much better than other totem poles in the same company.
Fan, don't count on firing the guys on your list when they promote you. The "pussification" of the American workplace actually germinated it's evil seed in HR departments everywhere.
So when you go to HR and say I'm going to fire Johnny Wackinov cause he sits at his desk all day and masterbates and can't write a simple report. They gonna hit you with, "Well, he deserves a chance to improve his performance. Did you give him a written warning and a six month trial period after which he will be reevaluated?
And when you say, "Hell no. I told him if he didn't quit jacking off all day and do something productive I was gonna light his ass up." HR will make a mental note: "Still A. Fan is unfit as a manager. We should look to eliminate his position upon the next downsizing directive."
Now, that being said. The last company who downsized my ass for a similar and other perceived injustices just eliminated the position of one of my colleagues from those days 2 weeks ago. And you know what that guy did? Hung himself to death. And that ladies and gentlemen is why is so hard to fire people today. Ironically that guy didn't deserve it.
hanging? jesus christ....i'd celebrate if i got laid off from this turkey! i am not afraid of being unemployed. i have seen my competition, and i laugh in it's face. bwahahahahahaha.
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